Struggling with the three C's
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
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Struggling with the three C's
I've been reading posts for the past couple of months from the perspective of a partner of an alcoholic and I find myself this morning struggling with some basic principles. I know I cannot "cure" the disease and I cannot "control" the alcoholic and I sure as hell didn't "cause" her to drink, but is it wrong to WANT change? Is it wrong to want her to WANT to quit drinking?
You know, when a person puts a gun to their head and says they want to shoot themselves, the law says they are not in their "right" mind and they can be forced into treatment until they are no longer a danger to themselves or others. How is this any different than an alcoholic's behavior... slow death vs. a bullet to the brain? I am realizing that my daily life is very much like being with a person playing Russian roullette and waiting for the bang and I HATE it!!! If I progress to the point of detachment from the drinking, aren't I saying, in effect, "go ahead and pull the trigger... I don't care"! How do you walk the fine line between keeping your mouth shut and screaming your head off?!
I know in my gut that there is nothing I can do to change her drinking and to help her see the error of her ways... I suppose I am just venting here as I can't vent anywhere else. Thanks to all who took the time to read.
You know, when a person puts a gun to their head and says they want to shoot themselves, the law says they are not in their "right" mind and they can be forced into treatment until they are no longer a danger to themselves or others. How is this any different than an alcoholic's behavior... slow death vs. a bullet to the brain? I am realizing that my daily life is very much like being with a person playing Russian roullette and waiting for the bang and I HATE it!!! If I progress to the point of detachment from the drinking, aren't I saying, in effect, "go ahead and pull the trigger... I don't care"! How do you walk the fine line between keeping your mouth shut and screaming your head off?!
I know in my gut that there is nothing I can do to change her drinking and to help her see the error of her ways... I suppose I am just venting here as I can't vent anywhere else. Thanks to all who took the time to read.
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It is NOT wrong to want change.
Unfortunately though we cannot force change on another person, we can only change ourselves. That continues to be a challenge for me to wrap my head around. When I want someone to change I not only try to bring the horse to water, often I almost drown the horse as I am trying to get it to drink.
I had to flip the coin. Detaching is not saying play Russian Roulette, it is saying that you are giving your loved one the dignity of making their own decisions....BUT you are going to take care of yourself regardless of their choices. I have read here the saying of if you are not able to detach you are going to get dragged along. Detaching for me is not condoning anything it allows me the space to take care of myself.
Al-anon meetings have helped me a lot in walking this fine line and learning about loving detachment. Have they been something you have been able to try?
Unfortunately though we cannot force change on another person, we can only change ourselves. That continues to be a challenge for me to wrap my head around. When I want someone to change I not only try to bring the horse to water, often I almost drown the horse as I am trying to get it to drink.
I had to flip the coin. Detaching is not saying play Russian Roulette, it is saying that you are giving your loved one the dignity of making their own decisions....BUT you are going to take care of yourself regardless of their choices. I have read here the saying of if you are not able to detach you are going to get dragged along. Detaching for me is not condoning anything it allows me the space to take care of myself.
Al-anon meetings have helped me a lot in walking this fine line and learning about loving detachment. Have they been something you have been able to try?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
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LR... I have not been to Al Anon meetings yet... they are located quite a distance away and I am currently unemployed... the gas money would be a problem. I am receptive to going though and am working on trying to get there. Right now SR is my only outlet, very helpful/useful, but not face-to-face.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Al-Anon Chat Meetings - Al-Anon Chat Meeting Schedule
Here's an online Al-Anon meeting forum. And you can always go to Al-Anon's website to read literature, as well as AA's website. I highly recommend the Big Book, if only to gain a bit of perspective from the "other side".
It's not that wanting someone to change is "wrong" - its demanding it on our own terms that makes our approach wrong. And the thing is, quitting drinking is only step one is a long journey. It's not the cure-all. There is much more to the process, like un-learning all the bad behaviors and re-learning healthy ones to take the place...its growing up and becoming more mature and grounded and confident. Recovery is a process for all of us, regardless of whether we are the addict or just effected by one.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty? That's a good place to start.
~T
Here's an online Al-Anon meeting forum. And you can always go to Al-Anon's website to read literature, as well as AA's website. I highly recommend the Big Book, if only to gain a bit of perspective from the "other side".
It's not that wanting someone to change is "wrong" - its demanding it on our own terms that makes our approach wrong. And the thing is, quitting drinking is only step one is a long journey. It's not the cure-all. There is much more to the process, like un-learning all the bad behaviors and re-learning healthy ones to take the place...its growing up and becoming more mature and grounded and confident. Recovery is a process for all of us, regardless of whether we are the addict or just effected by one.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty? That's a good place to start.
~T
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
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It was really hard for me to understand that there were no magic words to make my now RAH stop drinking. I think it is perfectly okay to tell a SO that their drinking affects you and that boundaries need to be set up ,which for me helped me detach from the problems of my AH drinking. However what I learned via SR and Al-anon is to have the courage to change the things I could (which really was me) and let my AH feel the consequences of his behavior. Fear for a long time stood in the way of me being able to do this. In the end this was the change that was needed for him to really seek out recovery. I finally put me first, and let what I was feeling on the inside match what I was feeling on the outside. I also woke up to the manipulative game he was playing of being able to be Mr. Charming when he knew I was near my breaking point.
The best thing I have learned is the alcoholic is going to continue to drink until they are ready to stop. No amount of crying, scream, trying to talk reason into them is going to work. As codependents we need to determine what we are willing to accept in our lives, what gives us happiness and peace and then make it happen.
The best thing I have learned is the alcoholic is going to continue to drink until they are ready to stop. No amount of crying, scream, trying to talk reason into them is going to work. As codependents we need to determine what we are willing to accept in our lives, what gives us happiness and peace and then make it happen.
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What really helped me accept the fact that I wasn't in control was examining the pattern of my life and seeing how the events that took place were necessary for me to arrive at the place I am now. I started to see that I wasn't at all in control, as much as I wanted to be, but the result has been a radical change in my life. I can't argue with the results. So I started to embrace that notion that I wasn't in the driver's seat and that it wasn't within my power to influence other people's journey.
It has been immensely liberating. As someone who was constantly worried about others, or about what they thought of me, it was so freeing to put myself (and others) in HP's hands and TRUST.
****
Something else that helped me accept that I cannot change others: my daughter. She's 3. She's incredibly headstrong and willful. She does things in her own time and everyone else can be damned. Also, she is not fully potty trained yet. She's just not ready. No matter how much I bribe and cajole (and sometimes get angry/frustrated), she still poops in her underwear or demands a pull-up to do it in. I spent a lot of time fretting about what other mothers would say about my toddler not being totally toilet trained...because they all claimed THEIR kids were going on the potty by the age of 1. I researched and read books, asked people questions, and of course, I worried.. When it comes right down to it though, DD knows full well how to control her bowels...she just chooses not to. She told me straight out. "I don't want to be a big girl. I want to be a baby".
So, this is another situation where I'm clearly NOT in control and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. It'll happen when it happens.
And here endeth the lesson about the 3 C's explained from the potty training perspective
It has been immensely liberating. As someone who was constantly worried about others, or about what they thought of me, it was so freeing to put myself (and others) in HP's hands and TRUST.
****
Something else that helped me accept that I cannot change others: my daughter. She's 3. She's incredibly headstrong and willful. She does things in her own time and everyone else can be damned. Also, she is not fully potty trained yet. She's just not ready. No matter how much I bribe and cajole (and sometimes get angry/frustrated), she still poops in her underwear or demands a pull-up to do it in. I spent a lot of time fretting about what other mothers would say about my toddler not being totally toilet trained...because they all claimed THEIR kids were going on the potty by the age of 1. I researched and read books, asked people questions, and of course, I worried.. When it comes right down to it though, DD knows full well how to control her bowels...she just chooses not to. She told me straight out. "I don't want to be a big girl. I want to be a baby".
So, this is another situation where I'm clearly NOT in control and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. It'll happen when it happens.
And here endeth the lesson about the 3 C's explained from the potty training perspective
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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"NDB2D"... your potty training perspective is priceless! And... it isn't a big stretch for the imagination either!! Thank you for bringing me a little giggle in the midst of a "giggle-less" day.
Thanks to all you have commented here. Most of this is brain knowledge, but the heart is resistant and I find that very frustrating. As I sit here typing (it is 8 pm EST), my partner is already in bed asleep... having gone to bed at 6 pm because she has a "sinus headache and is exhausted"... she didn't get out of bed today until noon! Whatever... I am just so disappointed and let down more often than I care to enumerate. What I can enumerate is 10 out of 12 beers gone, all in a 4.5 hour time frame! Ugggghhhhh..... So, I have the whole evening ahead of me to read, reflect, calm my nerves and make a better plan for tomorrow.
Thanks to all you have commented here. Most of this is brain knowledge, but the heart is resistant and I find that very frustrating. As I sit here typing (it is 8 pm EST), my partner is already in bed asleep... having gone to bed at 6 pm because she has a "sinus headache and is exhausted"... she didn't get out of bed today until noon! Whatever... I am just so disappointed and let down more often than I care to enumerate. What I can enumerate is 10 out of 12 beers gone, all in a 4.5 hour time frame! Ugggghhhhh..... So, I have the whole evening ahead of me to read, reflect, calm my nerves and make a better plan for tomorrow.
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Originally Posted by MyGirlGracie 
As I sit here typing (it is 8 pm EST), my partner is already in bed asleep... having gone to bed at 6 pm because she has a "sinus headache and is exhausted"... she didn't get out of bed today until noon! Whatever... I am just so disappointed and let down more often than I care to enumerate. What I can enumerate is 10 out of 12 beers gone, all in a 4.5 hour time frame! Ugggghhhhh..... So, I have the whole evening ahead of me to read, reflect, calm my nerves and make a better plan for tomorrow.
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