What if he moves on
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Take a step back and access your situation. I am proud of you for making that step to detach, and a break sounds like a good idea if that is what you feel will give you peace.
It sounds to me that you are not fully detached from his manipulation, however. He very well could have called the internet company to see why the internet wasn't working, but he chose to make an "emergent" call to you so his needs will be met and the burden is passed onto you. Then he provoked an argument placing blame onto you for reacting frustrated to the so called "emergent" situation. He needs you to continue to feel like you were in the wrong so that you will continue to pay all those bills and take care of him.
It really is not enough to show up to AA in body. The recovery process comes with working the steps. If he is not doing step work, he probably is not serious in the recovery. His actions do not sound as if he is fully dedicated on changing his lifestyle choices. It is good he is looking for work, but is he doing all this to get you back home? Time will reveal his intent.
His recovery is not your recovery. Let him own his recovery, and you start focusing on you. In your post I read a lot of what he is doing and not doing. It sounds to me that you will benefit by redirecting that thinking onto you. Have you been able to gather a good support? You also state that you are worried about him moving on with his life, so what was your intent on leaving? Did you leave to try to scare him into changing, or did you truly leave for yourself? You cannot change him no matter how much you try. You have to take him for the man he is today, not for what you want him to be. If you left to really focus on yourself, now would be a perfect opportunity to do just that. Learn about co-dependency. Have you read the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. It really is a good read.
The roller coaster is tough, but not impossible to get off. Take every day as a new day. Try not to think about the future "what ifs" so much. Be kind to yourself.
It sounds to me that you are not fully detached from his manipulation, however. He very well could have called the internet company to see why the internet wasn't working, but he chose to make an "emergent" call to you so his needs will be met and the burden is passed onto you. Then he provoked an argument placing blame onto you for reacting frustrated to the so called "emergent" situation. He needs you to continue to feel like you were in the wrong so that you will continue to pay all those bills and take care of him.
It really is not enough to show up to AA in body. The recovery process comes with working the steps. If he is not doing step work, he probably is not serious in the recovery. His actions do not sound as if he is fully dedicated on changing his lifestyle choices. It is good he is looking for work, but is he doing all this to get you back home? Time will reveal his intent.
His recovery is not your recovery. Let him own his recovery, and you start focusing on you. In your post I read a lot of what he is doing and not doing. It sounds to me that you will benefit by redirecting that thinking onto you. Have you been able to gather a good support? You also state that you are worried about him moving on with his life, so what was your intent on leaving? Did you leave to try to scare him into changing, or did you truly leave for yourself? You cannot change him no matter how much you try. You have to take him for the man he is today, not for what you want him to be. If you left to really focus on yourself, now would be a perfect opportunity to do just that. Learn about co-dependency. Have you read the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. It really is a good read.
The roller coaster is tough, but not impossible to get off. Take every day as a new day. Try not to think about the future "what ifs" so much. Be kind to yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
gbz,
You control your own life, lead it with compassion, with self love and care for the great woman you are. What if he moves on? well, it is his life, he has the right to move on, he has the right to live the life he wants. The important thing here is that you have the same right, you can move on too, you can create a great life for yourself and it begins within.
I have had very stressful weeks lately worrying about other people's behaviors, thoughts, opinions, judgments and it is not worth your health period. You are given many gifts every day, start with a gratitude list... gratitude lists always make me feel better. Your only job is to lead your life and become the best gbz you can imagine. We do not own anyone else nor we know what will happen tomorrow. Anything can happen. Its only today, today where we can truly live.
Hugs,
TC999
PS When I was separated from ex boyfriends but still entangled by bills, I tried to minimize contact and communicate by text/email only. Perhaps his reactions and general behavior are there so you realize why you separated in the first place. No one changes by magic. It takes months, years, decades of constant effort and even then it is difficult. This man won´t become educated, respectful and healthy overnight.
You control your own life, lead it with compassion, with self love and care for the great woman you are. What if he moves on? well, it is his life, he has the right to move on, he has the right to live the life he wants. The important thing here is that you have the same right, you can move on too, you can create a great life for yourself and it begins within.
I have had very stressful weeks lately worrying about other people's behaviors, thoughts, opinions, judgments and it is not worth your health period. You are given many gifts every day, start with a gratitude list... gratitude lists always make me feel better. Your only job is to lead your life and become the best gbz you can imagine. We do not own anyone else nor we know what will happen tomorrow. Anything can happen. Its only today, today where we can truly live.
Hugs,
TC999
PS When I was separated from ex boyfriends but still entangled by bills, I tried to minimize contact and communicate by text/email only. Perhaps his reactions and general behavior are there so you realize why you separated in the first place. No one changes by magic. It takes months, years, decades of constant effort and even then it is difficult. This man won´t become educated, respectful and healthy overnight.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You spoil and baby him and then you wonder why he acts like a child? How do you ever expect him to become a responsible adult if you keep paying all the bills and condsending to his every tantrum and whim? Do you want a husband or a child?
As for him moving on...he would have to find another sugar momma first, that doesn't happen overnight, he may be searching for one on the net, I don't know. In any case you need to start working on you. You are very codpendent. You can only control and fix one person..tag, your it.
Even if he is sober, that will not change his personality, he is who he is.
Please take this time away from him as an opportunity to work on you, until you get healthy nothing in the dynamics of your relationships will change.
As for him moving on...he would have to find another sugar momma first, that doesn't happen overnight, he may be searching for one on the net, I don't know. In any case you need to start working on you. You are very codpendent. You can only control and fix one person..tag, your it.
Even if he is sober, that will not change his personality, he is who he is.
Please take this time away from him as an opportunity to work on you, until you get healthy nothing in the dynamics of your relationships will change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by gbz 
As many of you know and thank you for helping me keep my sanity, I left my AH almost a month ago. At first he was calling me frantically. Lately he has stopped. He states he has been going to AA but I question if that is enough for him due up nature of his Addiction . He since has looked into the VA unemployment programs and Is apparently clean now looking for work. Although I'm happy for him I can't help but wonder if he is telling me the truth. This afternoon we got into a huge fight bc he called me at work and I was quite backed up w patients. He advised my office manager it was an emergency. So I called him back. Apparently he wanted to know if I had paid the att bill bc the Internet was down. I did raise my voice at him I mean why couldnt he call and check for himself? He is home all day .The phone still had dial tone. I finally found an email bill that proved next payment is due on the 25th. By then he began brewing a text argument bc I yelled at him. Now I'm getting texts about how awful I am because I yelled at him. He says he has no place for my anger. WTF shouldn't he be content I continued to pay utilities and rent? Who does that ? I'm so saddened by this. I feel like he has made no progress. But then it dawned on me. What if during this break he realizes he doesn't want me anymore. I know i should be the one who doesn't want him and his drinking but what if he is moving on with his life ? Help I wasnt prepared for the roller coaster ride. Does it prove he is still drinking ?
As to you questioning whether he's clean... He may not be actively using a substance, but his behavior is that of an active addict (baiting you, acting helpless, blaming you for getting frustrated and making the issue be that you yelled vs his own behavior...). I have had to let go of the notion that AH's drinking has anything to do with his A behavior and once I accepted that it's made his obnoxious antics easier to understand (even if not easier to deal with at times).
He's trying to turn the tables and tell you that you're the problem and as long as you take the bait (and my AH is an expert at this and I far too often took/take the bait) you give him a way to distract himself from his own issues. You aren't separated from him bc of your anger. You're separated bc he's an A and has no interest in getting help. He will try his best to make you think that it's your fault, and he may (if you have kids) try to make them think that too (my AH did this last night).
It's not you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now may be a good time to reflect on all the “why’s” of the reasons you left him in the first place.
Review what your true motives were, was it an attempt to “shock” him sober, was it an attempt to “make” him get sober……………or did YOU truly have enough of his behavior and needed to “save” yourself.
When we get ourselves into the life boats and begin to paddle away from the sinking ship, panic comes to visit, we fill ourselves with doubt, we second guess what we know to be true……..but remember – this panic only comes to visit, we address it and send it on it’s way.
You know what you know, don’t forget the reality of that! Don’t allow assumptions, miss-truths or manipulation to over shadow what you know. We want so badly to hear certain things, see certain things we often allow our hopes and dreams of what could be to over take what is.
You were strong enough to leave, you are strong enough to keep rowing in that life boat until you are absolutely without a doubt sure which direction you are going in.
Review what your true motives were, was it an attempt to “shock” him sober, was it an attempt to “make” him get sober……………or did YOU truly have enough of his behavior and needed to “save” yourself.
When we get ourselves into the life boats and begin to paddle away from the sinking ship, panic comes to visit, we fill ourselves with doubt, we second guess what we know to be true……..but remember – this panic only comes to visit, we address it and send it on it’s way.
You know what you know, don’t forget the reality of that! Don’t allow assumptions, miss-truths or manipulation to over shadow what you know. We want so badly to hear certain things, see certain things we often allow our hopes and dreams of what could be to over take what is.
You were strong enough to leave, you are strong enough to keep rowing in that life boat until you are absolutely without a doubt sure which direction you are going in.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
In moments like those, I take a step back, take several deep breaths and repeat the serenity prayer to myself:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people); the courage to change the things that I can (me); And the wisdom to know the difference.
I repeat this prayer until I feel more calm. I am then reminded that whatever I do will not change someone else's behaviour. I can however modify my reaction to minimize drama in my life.
In your case, perhaps it would be wiser in the future to tell your AH that unless he is bleeding, he is not to call you at work. If you do somehow get on the phone with him and find that the call is for something as ridiculous as a bill, hang up and move on with your day.
Remind me again why you are paying all the utilities and he is still at home?
As for him moving on...it may happen. It probably won't because he is still milking you for what you can give him. If you cut him off from the basic comforts, perhaps he'll find another enabler to leech off.
Give yourself some time. It's only been a month. That's a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of your life. You're doing great already!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people); the courage to change the things that I can (me); And the wisdom to know the difference.
I repeat this prayer until I feel more calm. I am then reminded that whatever I do will not change someone else's behaviour. I can however modify my reaction to minimize drama in my life.
In your case, perhaps it would be wiser in the future to tell your AH that unless he is bleeding, he is not to call you at work. If you do somehow get on the phone with him and find that the call is for something as ridiculous as a bill, hang up and move on with your day.
Remind me again why you are paying all the utilities and he is still at home?
As for him moving on...it may happen. It probably won't because he is still milking you for what you can give him. If you cut him off from the basic comforts, perhaps he'll find another enabler to leech off.
Give yourself some time. It's only been a month. That's a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of your life. You're doing great already!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I too would be livid to receive a non "emergency" phone call at work. What an immature childish ploy.
You are worried about him moving on? I am saying this without malice, but truly he is not a hot commodity. How many women are looking for an unemployed alcoholic to care for and screw up their life? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
He may very well move on, but the next person, is going to live the same hell you have. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
You have been on a crazy rollercoaster, allow yourself to get off. I would stop supporting him, allow him to own his disease.
You deserve better. Start by being your own best friend. Do something special just for you. You are making such progress.
Trying to see into the future is robbing you of your today............ take care
You are worried about him moving on? I am saying this without malice, but truly he is not a hot commodity. How many women are looking for an unemployed alcoholic to care for and screw up their life? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
He may very well move on, but the next person, is going to live the same hell you have. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
You have been on a crazy rollercoaster, allow yourself to get off. I would stop supporting him, allow him to own his disease.
You deserve better. Start by being your own best friend. Do something special just for you. You are making such progress.
Trying to see into the future is robbing you of your today............ take care
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Sounds to me like he's got the perfect setup. I need an enabler to pay my rent and utilities so I can just stay home and drink, smoke, and **** off all day long.
Oh, wait, I'm not an alcoholic addict with a wife who will pay all my bills and be my mommy. Dang it!
Cyranoak
Oh, wait, I'm not an alcoholic addict with a wife who will pay all my bills and be my mommy. Dang it!
Cyranoak
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What you are describing about isolation is so very true. Addicts & alcoholics can, if allowed to, make another a prisoner, one who lives in a mindset of being in a cell with invisible bars. Reach out to your family, to your friends, it will help you.
You are now on the right tract, keep posting, we are here to support you.
You are now on the right tract, keep posting, we are here to support you.
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