Drifting apart in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Drifting apart in Recovery
Hi, I am, I guess, just looking to hea from people who may feel the same things that I am feeling. My A is 10 months clean, and while I count my blessings every day of the week, I just feel so lonely and distant.
For the last 10 months he has gone to meetings every single day...and then he goes to what he call "after meetings" i.e. coffees with mates. He is never ever home. I work all day 6 days a week - he doesn't work as he gave it up to concentrate on his recovery. We have nothing in common anymore and I really feel that we are drifting apart. I know his recovery is No. 1 and thats ok, but his sponsor is No. 2, his Recovery Family (thats what he call them) are No. 3. I think I am way down the line.
I have tried to convince him to do something with me - even once a week but he says that he can't. No matter what I say - he asks "whats the alternative" I know they say 90 meetings in 90 days - but 10 months of meetings (surely thats too much). Last week we were talking about our plans for Christmas and he informed me that there is a special function on at one of the meetings...some sort of dance.. and that he will be going to that - surely he should want to spend that time with us - we have children.
I feelso angry with him for that. He said that the ONLY thing keeping him clean is his meetings. He said that he goes to meetings when hefeels he needs them (thats ok) but on the days he doesn't feel like he NEEDS to go to meetings, he goes because "the day you don't feel like you need a meeting, is the day that you really do".
I don't go to meetings myself - there are personal reasons for this, something that I don't want to talk about and I know that most people will think that is the problem but its not. I have been to meetings in the past and they didnt work for me---each to their own. I have seen councellors though. All I ever wanted was to have a normal life....doing things together like a proper couple. The last time we were out was last Valentines Night - - I just sit at home alone all the time. I have no family or friends close by...we have no money for luxuries, just enough for the bills... and I guess I am really feeling so hopeless about everything. Is this hows its meant to be......
For the last 10 months he has gone to meetings every single day...and then he goes to what he call "after meetings" i.e. coffees with mates. He is never ever home. I work all day 6 days a week - he doesn't work as he gave it up to concentrate on his recovery. We have nothing in common anymore and I really feel that we are drifting apart. I know his recovery is No. 1 and thats ok, but his sponsor is No. 2, his Recovery Family (thats what he call them) are No. 3. I think I am way down the line.
I have tried to convince him to do something with me - even once a week but he says that he can't. No matter what I say - he asks "whats the alternative" I know they say 90 meetings in 90 days - but 10 months of meetings (surely thats too much). Last week we were talking about our plans for Christmas and he informed me that there is a special function on at one of the meetings...some sort of dance.. and that he will be going to that - surely he should want to spend that time with us - we have children.
I feelso angry with him for that. He said that the ONLY thing keeping him clean is his meetings. He said that he goes to meetings when hefeels he needs them (thats ok) but on the days he doesn't feel like he NEEDS to go to meetings, he goes because "the day you don't feel like you need a meeting, is the day that you really do".
I don't go to meetings myself - there are personal reasons for this, something that I don't want to talk about and I know that most people will think that is the problem but its not. I have been to meetings in the past and they didnt work for me---each to their own. I have seen councellors though. All I ever wanted was to have a normal life....doing things together like a proper couple. The last time we were out was last Valentines Night - - I just sit at home alone all the time. I have no family or friends close by...we have no money for luxuries, just enough for the bills... and I guess I am really feeling so hopeless about everything. Is this hows its meant to be......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Do you have your own recovery program? Do you attend Al-Anon meetings?
BTW.......you are absolutely welcome to join him at the AA dance. Many couples enjoy their recovery paths....both separately and together.
BTW.......you are absolutely welcome to join him at the AA dance. Many couples enjoy their recovery paths....both separately and together.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Lizzie,
Of course you must feel very alone.....sometimes it happens that way especially in early recovery...I can't say I have a soluation for you but at least I can understand how you feel...It is especially hard when there are children involved...
Some others will be along and they will probably have suggestions that have worked for them...
In the mean time we are here 24/7 so I hope to hear from you again.
Love and prayers
Of course you must feel very alone.....sometimes it happens that way especially in early recovery...I can't say I have a soluation for you but at least I can understand how you feel...It is especially hard when there are children involved...
Some others will be along and they will probably have suggestions that have worked for them...
In the mean time we are here 24/7 so I hope to hear from you again.
Love and prayers
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
I am in the same place as you are. My A is now sober for a year and we are growing apart. He goes to meetings too...all of the time. I have asked him to cut back and he has...but going on Friday night , Saturday morning and Sunday night and Monday nigh,,,has really put a wedge between us. He has all of his A friends to chit chat with about his new ways. Honestly It is making me sick! We argue more and more...he is always nagging me.
He now wants me to go out for sinner with them( the GROUP) ok...but what will this be like..they have a real union going on!
I am getting more and more distant and wondering if it is worth it....many have told me it is not. hmmmmmmmmmm all this effort for this?
It makes me feel crazy...I ma going to go to Al anon...I tied lengthy counselling for years with and with out him. I am not sure what is the answer to all of this...
Best of luck
Love Kittycat
He now wants me to go out for sinner with them( the GROUP) ok...but what will this be like..they have a real union going on!
I am getting more and more distant and wondering if it is worth it....many have told me it is not. hmmmmmmmmmm all this effort for this?
It makes me feel crazy...I ma going to go to Al anon...I tied lengthy counselling for years with and with out him. I am not sure what is the answer to all of this...
Best of luck
Love Kittycat
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Lizzie.
You've brought back to my mind a question that I'm struggling over. Shouldn't the goal of a "recovery" program be to return the participant to real life? I understand about 90 meetings in 90 days. After that most people start to taper off of their 12 step program and embrace the world. For them the real world is a gift that their 12 step recovery has handed back to them. I understand about people keeping up with their program. For reinforcement, fellowship and giving back. I understand that steppers don't consider themselves ever "cured" and they feel the need for vigilence. And I suppose the choice of how often one attends is variable. On this board people have talked about going once or twice a week, a couple of times a month, when the mood strikes (lol). For those people, it seems to me the 12 step program works. It does what it is supposed to do. It helps them recover. It helps keep them strong in their recovery.
But what about people like Lizzie's husband? After 10 months the ONLY thing keeping him sober is immersion in 12 step functions. What that says to me is that in 10 months, he hasn't learned a thing about how to live. That doesn't sound like recovery. It just sounds like not drinking. And maybe for some people that's the best they can hope for. Perhaps they are too injured (or for some reason were lacking any coping skills in the first place) to ever live in the mainstream again, even with a regular integrated program to help them. But, in cases like this, can we really say that the program, by itself, is working? I've read lots of stories on these boards by people who gratefully used the 12 steps to maintain enough sobriety to get themselves to doctors that helped them explore both mental and physical problems that were keeping them crippled. For them the steps alone were never going to fix the problem. They needed a doctor... or "steps plus" as I like to think of it.
But Lizzie... I don't suppose that helps you any. Because just like the realization that one is dependent on a substance has to come from inside, the notion that one has traded that for another kind of dependence must also have to come from within. For you Liz, I have a whole world of sympathy. I have to say that I believe my patience with that scenario would have run out long ago. I admire your stamina. And it's tempting to offer you suggestions of ways to make friends and fill up you life with fun, but there you are supporting your whole family and taking care of the kids to boot. That probably doesn't leave a whole lot of time for fun. And I bet there's not money for babysitters, either. I suppose you have thrift stores on your side of the water, like we do here, where you buy other peoples donated stuff? I've bought a lot of 25 cent paperbacks. It's a very cheap escape... but it's not adult human company. Is there anything social that you and your kids can all do together with other families, where you each can associate with people your own age? Sunday school leaps to mind. Community theatre. What else gang? You need other adults to talk to. There's US
, but something in real time is going to be more fulfilling. It sounds like you're in this for the long haul. Please find some way of getting the companionship that YOU need.
Hugs,
Smoke
You've brought back to my mind a question that I'm struggling over. Shouldn't the goal of a "recovery" program be to return the participant to real life? I understand about 90 meetings in 90 days. After that most people start to taper off of their 12 step program and embrace the world. For them the real world is a gift that their 12 step recovery has handed back to them. I understand about people keeping up with their program. For reinforcement, fellowship and giving back. I understand that steppers don't consider themselves ever "cured" and they feel the need for vigilence. And I suppose the choice of how often one attends is variable. On this board people have talked about going once or twice a week, a couple of times a month, when the mood strikes (lol). For those people, it seems to me the 12 step program works. It does what it is supposed to do. It helps them recover. It helps keep them strong in their recovery.
But what about people like Lizzie's husband? After 10 months the ONLY thing keeping him sober is immersion in 12 step functions. What that says to me is that in 10 months, he hasn't learned a thing about how to live. That doesn't sound like recovery. It just sounds like not drinking. And maybe for some people that's the best they can hope for. Perhaps they are too injured (or for some reason were lacking any coping skills in the first place) to ever live in the mainstream again, even with a regular integrated program to help them. But, in cases like this, can we really say that the program, by itself, is working? I've read lots of stories on these boards by people who gratefully used the 12 steps to maintain enough sobriety to get themselves to doctors that helped them explore both mental and physical problems that were keeping them crippled. For them the steps alone were never going to fix the problem. They needed a doctor... or "steps plus" as I like to think of it.
But Lizzie... I don't suppose that helps you any. Because just like the realization that one is dependent on a substance has to come from inside, the notion that one has traded that for another kind of dependence must also have to come from within. For you Liz, I have a whole world of sympathy. I have to say that I believe my patience with that scenario would have run out long ago. I admire your stamina. And it's tempting to offer you suggestions of ways to make friends and fill up you life with fun, but there you are supporting your whole family and taking care of the kids to boot. That probably doesn't leave a whole lot of time for fun. And I bet there's not money for babysitters, either. I suppose you have thrift stores on your side of the water, like we do here, where you buy other peoples donated stuff? I've bought a lot of 25 cent paperbacks. It's a very cheap escape... but it's not adult human company. Is there anything social that you and your kids can all do together with other families, where you each can associate with people your own age? Sunday school leaps to mind. Community theatre. What else gang? You need other adults to talk to. There's US
, but something in real time is going to be more fulfilling. It sounds like you're in this for the long haul. Please find some way of getting the companionship that YOU need.Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Alcoholism kills. The person who suffers from alcoholism has a very clear picture of what lies ahead.
So....going to meetings isn't convenient for you? Would you tell someone with cancer that it's a drag to live through their chemo and you'd rather they skip it?
How bout the kidney patient? Want them to stop that dialysis because it interferes with your idea of a normal life?
If you guys don't understand how serious alcoholism is......just google alcoholism and read a bit. This is a serious problem that ends OFTEN in tragedy and death.
I apologize if I'm being very blunt, but my heart goes out to the people in families where recovery isn't supported and cherished.
I lost my family, btw, to alcoholic death. I would have given anything to see any one of them in recovery.
So....going to meetings isn't convenient for you? Would you tell someone with cancer that it's a drag to live through their chemo and you'd rather they skip it?
How bout the kidney patient? Want them to stop that dialysis because it interferes with your idea of a normal life?
If you guys don't understand how serious alcoholism is......just google alcoholism and read a bit. This is a serious problem that ends OFTEN in tragedy and death.
I apologize if I'm being very blunt, but my heart goes out to the people in families where recovery isn't supported and cherished.
I lost my family, btw, to alcoholic death. I would have given anything to see any one of them in recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Thanks for all your help guys - I do really appreciate it. I have certainly toyed with the idea that he has merely substiuted one addiction for another but he wouldn't hear of it that way. Perhaps I had too many expectations in the begining - I thought that eveything would be normal - what I mean by normal is that we would start to do things together as a family and as a couple but unfortunately things have just not turned out that way. I do support his desire to recover - of course I do - it is all I have wanted for so long but surely there are limits to what is good. I read through his "Just for Today" book and came across a passage which described really what he is doing..it said that if you attend meetings constantly and leave no time for family - then what has changed (loose translation - but you get the point).
To 12stepmarce - I appreciate your opinion but I promise that I am not trying to get him to quit his program - I wouldn't do that..I just feel that surely there should be some room for compromise. I count my blessings every day of the week and I thank God that he finally got into recovery but I certainly didn't expect it to be like this. His life is his recovery - nothing else matters to him.
Maybe it is me - maybe I am just not good for him or his recovery and believe me if I figure out that I am the problem, for his sake I will go. The kids don't know him anymore. He, as I said, gave up his job so that he could devote all his time to his recovery, but we will not take care of the kids while I am at work, so as a esult they have to go to daycare. I pick them up at 6.30 every evening and by the time I walk home - he is already gone, and by the time he gets home they are in bed. At the weekends, he plays golf with his pals on a Saturday and on Sunday there are 2 meetings which he attends. The kids never see him - I could honestly say that its been a week since he saw our 2 year old. Its not even the going to meetings that really bother me - if that was the case he'd be back in time to maybe spend an hour with me and the children - but its the socialising after meetings that really gets me. They go off for coffee for hours and chat about the evenings meetings - he calls these "after meetings" and says that they are just as important as the meetings themselves. The Christmas Day meeting has really upset me - this meeting is on at 7pm and is in a location that is approx. 40 miles from where we live - so he will be gone all evening. It is really upsetting because Christmas Day is a time for families.
I am sorry for going on but sometimes I just forget the time. Thanks guys I really appreciate your opinions.
Liz
To 12stepmarce - I appreciate your opinion but I promise that I am not trying to get him to quit his program - I wouldn't do that..I just feel that surely there should be some room for compromise. I count my blessings every day of the week and I thank God that he finally got into recovery but I certainly didn't expect it to be like this. His life is his recovery - nothing else matters to him.
Maybe it is me - maybe I am just not good for him or his recovery and believe me if I figure out that I am the problem, for his sake I will go. The kids don't know him anymore. He, as I said, gave up his job so that he could devote all his time to his recovery, but we will not take care of the kids while I am at work, so as a esult they have to go to daycare. I pick them up at 6.30 every evening and by the time I walk home - he is already gone, and by the time he gets home they are in bed. At the weekends, he plays golf with his pals on a Saturday and on Sunday there are 2 meetings which he attends. The kids never see him - I could honestly say that its been a week since he saw our 2 year old. Its not even the going to meetings that really bother me - if that was the case he'd be back in time to maybe spend an hour with me and the children - but its the socialising after meetings that really gets me. They go off for coffee for hours and chat about the evenings meetings - he calls these "after meetings" and says that they are just as important as the meetings themselves. The Christmas Day meeting has really upset me - this meeting is on at 7pm and is in a location that is approx. 40 miles from where we live - so he will be gone all evening. It is really upsetting because Christmas Day is a time for families.
I am sorry for going on but sometimes I just forget the time. Thanks guys I really appreciate your opinions.
Liz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
(((( LIZ! ))))
It is NOT YOU. It is NEVER YOU. To take responsibility for his recoveryholism is just as much a mistake as it would be to take responsibility for his alcoholism. If you haven't already, I'd suggest finding a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.
Hugs,
Smoke
It is NOT YOU. It is NEVER YOU. To take responsibility for his recoveryholism is just as much a mistake as it would be to take responsibility for his alcoholism. If you haven't already, I'd suggest finding a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I may be wrong on this but it seems to me hes still into part of the Alchohlic life style. Escaping from you family responsibilites by spending the evening smoozing with your buds. Youre right its like hes substituted one for the other. Could be tho he doesnt even realize cause this is what hes used to spending time with his buds. Only these buds dont drink. I bet a lot of them are single too.
You say they go to places where they drink coffee for after meetings and spouses are invited. I think Id be tempted to crash their party with my 2 year old in tow. If he wont come home to see is kids then take them to see him. ;-)
You say they go to places where they drink coffee for after meetings and spouses are invited. I think Id be tempted to crash their party with my 2 year old in tow. If he wont come home to see is kids then take them to see him. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Not excusing him but coming from a recovering alcoholic, when I quit drinking luckily I didn't have a relationship because I couldn't have handled it. I had my son who went with me everyday to a meeting for 9 months, after that when I couldn't get to a meeting I lived for the next meeting. It was quite awhile before I could even think to deal with the real world. 10 months for a very sick A isn't a long time.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((((((LIZ)))))))))
Please don't take on his recovery when YOUR recovery is as important..You are just as powerless over his reocovery as you were over his using....
YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS OVER YOUR LIFE....You can become the healthest mother you can be for yourself and give your children the gift of one healthy parent....
It seems to me that my ego used to be my worst enemy because if I caused it or was the cause of it THEN my thinking told me I should be able to fix it...LOL...You know where my best thinking got me? ....Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then right into threapy and then into Al-Anon...Today I am powerless over people, places, and situations....I don't have to like the situation but I have to like myself in it or get out....
Take care,
Daff
Please don't take on his recovery when YOUR recovery is as important..You are just as powerless over his reocovery as you were over his using....
YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS OVER YOUR LIFE....You can become the healthest mother you can be for yourself and give your children the gift of one healthy parent....
It seems to me that my ego used to be my worst enemy because if I caused it or was the cause of it THEN my thinking told me I should be able to fix it...LOL...You know where my best thinking got me? ....Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then right into threapy and then into Al-Anon...Today I am powerless over people, places, and situations....I don't have to like the situation but I have to like myself in it or get out....
Take care,
Daff
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I do apologize for my post. Please forgive me. I understand you feelings. I simply have no family left due to alcoholism. I'm the only one in my family who ever found recovery. I loved them. I wouldn't have cared if I'd had to meet them for coffee after a meeting, it would be much better than meeting them in DT's in the hospital. That was my reality.
I lost both of my parents to alcoholism. The late stages are horrible. I BELIEVE that if you don't love your spouse, get out. You don't need to be in a marriage where there's no love. They will be better off without you. You'll be better off without them.
I reacted to these posts because I loved both of my parents. Very sorry.......
I lost both of my parents to alcoholism. The late stages are horrible. I BELIEVE that if you don't love your spouse, get out. You don't need to be in a marriage where there's no love. They will be better off without you. You'll be better off without them.
I reacted to these posts because I loved both of my parents. Very sorry.......
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Lizzie,
I'm going to cross the line a bit b/c we try not to tell people to stay or go. But I have to ask - why do you stay? It doesn't seem you're getting any benefit from this relationship. The kids don't see their father and you don't see your husband - period. Where's the benefit? I honestly can't see one. You're not happy. He's not around. The kids don't know their father. It just doesn't seem things have gotten any better for you.
I hope you don't think I'm picking on you. You sound like a lot of other people on these boards and I just chose this thread to have my say. I know having kids makes it a lot more difficult to leave a marriage. And I'm not one to talk, b/c I stayed with my A. But my story, the one I'm sticking to, is that the benefits far outweigh the negatives. However, when I read stories like yours, I don't see the benefits. All I see is sadness. You aren't happy. Your kids probably feel rejected and abandoned. Is this life really better for you or them?
What is he bringing to the table? He doesn't work now, so I can't imagine that you wouldn't be able to make it without him - you're already making it without him. And sure, you could go to al-anon meetings. But meetings won't change the fact that he's never around, and doesn't really seem interested in being around.
I apologize if I've crossed the line, but you sound completely miserable. You and your kids deserve so much more.
Hugs,
JG
I'm going to cross the line a bit b/c we try not to tell people to stay or go. But I have to ask - why do you stay? It doesn't seem you're getting any benefit from this relationship. The kids don't see their father and you don't see your husband - period. Where's the benefit? I honestly can't see one. You're not happy. He's not around. The kids don't know their father. It just doesn't seem things have gotten any better for you.
I hope you don't think I'm picking on you. You sound like a lot of other people on these boards and I just chose this thread to have my say. I know having kids makes it a lot more difficult to leave a marriage. And I'm not one to talk, b/c I stayed with my A. But my story, the one I'm sticking to, is that the benefits far outweigh the negatives. However, when I read stories like yours, I don't see the benefits. All I see is sadness. You aren't happy. Your kids probably feel rejected and abandoned. Is this life really better for you or them?
What is he bringing to the table? He doesn't work now, so I can't imagine that you wouldn't be able to make it without him - you're already making it without him. And sure, you could go to al-anon meetings. But meetings won't change the fact that he's never around, and doesn't really seem interested in being around.
I apologize if I've crossed the line, but you sound completely miserable. You and your kids deserve so much more.
Hugs,
JG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone.
Marce - I totally understand your point of view -- you seem to have gone through so much. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for what I have, and God knows I do count my blessings every day of the week that he is still alive and that he is in recovery - its just that I find it very difficult to deal with the total isolation that I and my children feel.
Journeygal - you are dead right, I have struggled with the "why do I stay" question myself. Despite everything I do still love him but at the end of the day I know that sometimes love isn't enough. I guess a lot of it has to do with the kids. We have three altogether (well, we have one and he hs two who live with us), and for his two especially I do not want to put them through another painful seperation. God knows, that is not a good enough reason but at the moment it is the only thing that I've got. I am also scared for him - I'm scared about what another break-up would do to him...believe me I have lived with the effects of the last one. I know that I shouldn't live my life to please others but I really do have to think about those kids. It really is so hard sometimes - I knew from Day One that his recovery is (and shoul be) number 1, but I just didn't realise what a big effect it would have on our marraige....I didn't realise that he would have to forsake everything in order to get the help he needed. Maybe it was my ignorance of the disease and of the recovery that led me to belive that things would be normal someday - maybe I just don't have the right understanding of it all.....I really did think though the the goals of recovery were obviously to help the addict quit and try to return their lives to some kind of normality. Then again, maybe they are the goals and he is just picking it up wrong.
Anyay thanks everyone.. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the festive season..and maybe there will be some positive New Years Resolutions from me.
Thanks again.. I really do appreciate all this
Liz
Marce - I totally understand your point of view -- you seem to have gone through so much. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for what I have, and God knows I do count my blessings every day of the week that he is still alive and that he is in recovery - its just that I find it very difficult to deal with the total isolation that I and my children feel.
Journeygal - you are dead right, I have struggled with the "why do I stay" question myself. Despite everything I do still love him but at the end of the day I know that sometimes love isn't enough. I guess a lot of it has to do with the kids. We have three altogether (well, we have one and he hs two who live with us), and for his two especially I do not want to put them through another painful seperation. God knows, that is not a good enough reason but at the moment it is the only thing that I've got. I am also scared for him - I'm scared about what another break-up would do to him...believe me I have lived with the effects of the last one. I know that I shouldn't live my life to please others but I really do have to think about those kids. It really is so hard sometimes - I knew from Day One that his recovery is (and shoul be) number 1, but I just didn't realise what a big effect it would have on our marraige....I didn't realise that he would have to forsake everything in order to get the help he needed. Maybe it was my ignorance of the disease and of the recovery that led me to belive that things would be normal someday - maybe I just don't have the right understanding of it all.....I really did think though the the goals of recovery were obviously to help the addict quit and try to return their lives to some kind of normality. Then again, maybe they are the goals and he is just picking it up wrong.
Anyay thanks everyone.. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the festive season..and maybe there will be some positive New Years Resolutions from me.
Thanks again.. I really do appreciate all this
Liz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Since youve decided that you want to stay I think you need to find a way to make things better for you so that you are happy.
You can either accept the fact that he wont be there and get on with your life or you can do something about it. This is just personal opinion. But I think that A's get so used to doing their own thing and being with their buds that it becomes natural for them. Yours is still partying. Hes just drinking coffee now.
Just a suggestion. Do any of the other people have spouses. Since the after meetings are so important how about turning some of them into family nights and inviting the spouses and kids. Maybe even have get togethers at each others houses. Pizza and coffee. You two need joint sober friends. If you get the first one going maybe the others will follow. If money is tight take up a collection.
You can either accept the fact that he wont be there and get on with your life or you can do something about it. This is just personal opinion. But I think that A's get so used to doing their own thing and being with their buds that it becomes natural for them. Yours is still partying. Hes just drinking coffee now.
Just a suggestion. Do any of the other people have spouses. Since the after meetings are so important how about turning some of them into family nights and inviting the spouses and kids. Maybe even have get togethers at each others houses. Pizza and coffee. You two need joint sober friends. If you get the first one going maybe the others will follow. If money is tight take up a collection.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Do any of the other people have spouses
I think you hit the nail on the head there. No, none of his buddies have spouses - they are all young, free and single - I guess that your question really answers a lot of mine. I think perhaps that is exactly what he wants to be too.....who knows maybe he resents the fact that he isn't like all his buddies.
Thanks Cecilia, you may not have realised it when you posted but I truly believe you have answered my initial question!
I think you hit the nail on the head there. No, none of his buddies have spouses - they are all young, free and single - I guess that your question really answers a lot of mine. I think perhaps that is exactly what he wants to be too.....who knows maybe he resents the fact that he isn't like all his buddies.
Thanks Cecilia, you may not have realised it when you posted but I truly believe you have answered my initial question!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Okay. Im taking off my codie hat and my little green gloves. ;-)
I was trying to be supportive instead of saying what I thought. I went back and reread everything and to be honest I have to agree with JG. Youre doing everything and getting nothing.
I missed the part about he quit his job. Just how does this help his recovery? And if he needs meetings everyday why isnt he going in the day time. And if hes not why cant he watch the kids. And WHY doesnt he get a job. Real men dont sit on their butts and play golf while their wives work 6 days a week.
Where is he getting the money for all this coffee anyway?
You haven been out since last Valentines and he cant spend one day/Christmas with his family. I may be wrong but I dont see how spending Christmas with your family would sabotage your recovery. And if he says "whats the alternative" I think hes using black mail. "If I dont go to my meeting Ill get sick and it will be all your fault"
Okay Im done with my vent. Feel free to ignore me. LOL. I know were not supposed to say anything but I just couldnt stand it. ;-)
I was trying to be supportive instead of saying what I thought. I went back and reread everything and to be honest I have to agree with JG. Youre doing everything and getting nothing.
I missed the part about he quit his job. Just how does this help his recovery? And if he needs meetings everyday why isnt he going in the day time. And if hes not why cant he watch the kids. And WHY doesnt he get a job. Real men dont sit on their butts and play golf while their wives work 6 days a week.
Where is he getting the money for all this coffee anyway?
You haven been out since last Valentines and he cant spend one day/Christmas with his family. I may be wrong but I dont see how spending Christmas with your family would sabotage your recovery. And if he says "whats the alternative" I think hes using black mail. "If I dont go to my meeting Ill get sick and it will be all your fault"
Okay Im done with my vent. Feel free to ignore me. LOL. I know were not supposed to say anything but I just couldnt stand it. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Lizzy,
I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am sharing that because what I am about to share with you, may not sound like recovery lol, but I am going to share it anyways.
This guy is full of sh*t.....plain and simple.
He quit his job so that he could concentrate on recovery?
Where is it suggested in AA anywhere....that we no longer take responsibility for our bills, our family, our childrens welfare so that we can get sober. That is ludicrous that he quit his job and put his family at risk and his wife is out working 6 days a week so that he can become an irresponsible ass. Which Step is that?
He is going to spend Christmas at a dance with his AA buddies, and hasn't invited YOU to go Lizzie? Instead of being home with HIS WIFE AND KIDS on Christmas? That is bullsh*t Lizzie, and there are many many meetings that we AA members can get to at varying times of the day..... and spending Christmas at a dance with his buddies ISN'T about recovery, sobriety, or trying to stay sober...... its about enjoying oneself in recovery....... and if he hasn't asked you to go to this AA dance with him as his wife, then he needs a kick where the sun don't shine.
He spends every night at an AA meeting and then spends all his time after the AA meetings with his single buddies from AA?
Lizzie..... this man isn't IN recovery..... he has just found another way to allow him to remain absolutely irresponsible and not accountable for any decisions he chooses to make for HIMSELF.
I absolutely agree with Celia.... he is using his sobriety as a weapon of guilt against YOU so that he can continue his irresponsible behavior.
I can share this with you Lizzy...... if I pulled these stunts on my family when I was new in the halls of AA.....my sponsor would have gladly shared with me that it was time to grow the hell up and take responsibility for taking care of my family, and children by getting a job, and then take responsibility and be accountable to my family by being a member of my family and being there at Christmas time............ she would have also told me to get to an AA meeting early in the day so that I could be there with and for my family on Christmas day SOBER.
This guy is an irresponsible child who is using AA and his recovery as an excuse to continue to his irresponsible behavior.
Yes, we alcoholics need AA meetings, especially in early recovery, and there are many AA meetings to attend besides the nightly ones....there are day meetings everywhere and if he isn't working at all, I would suggest he hit a day AA meeting and then get off his lazy butt and look for a job, and begin to become a responsible member of his family and society.........THATS WHAT GENUINE RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS DO.....THEY STAY SOBER, GET TO AA MEETINGS, WORK THE STEPS AND BECOME RESPONSIBLE, AND ACCOUNTABLE..... wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, employees, friends, brothers, sisters, neighbors and productive members of society. We DO NOT use our recovery as an excuse to be a selfish, self-centered, irresponsible children in sobriety. Thats what we did while we were drunk.
Yes, we recovering alcoholics needs AA meetings and lots of them...... but not as an excuse to avoid, exclude or ignore our responsibilities under our own roof....... we take what what was given to us freely in the halls of AA, and we take home and put it into action..... under our own roof.
Sorry if this sounds like a rant..... but these kinds of irresponsible children that insist on calling themselves AA members.... burn my ...... ahhhhh nevermind! LOL
Love
Patsy
I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am sharing that because what I am about to share with you, may not sound like recovery lol, but I am going to share it anyways.
This guy is full of sh*t.....plain and simple.
He quit his job so that he could concentrate on recovery?
Where is it suggested in AA anywhere....that we no longer take responsibility for our bills, our family, our childrens welfare so that we can get sober. That is ludicrous that he quit his job and put his family at risk and his wife is out working 6 days a week so that he can become an irresponsible ass. Which Step is that?
He is going to spend Christmas at a dance with his AA buddies, and hasn't invited YOU to go Lizzie? Instead of being home with HIS WIFE AND KIDS on Christmas? That is bullsh*t Lizzie, and there are many many meetings that we AA members can get to at varying times of the day..... and spending Christmas at a dance with his buddies ISN'T about recovery, sobriety, or trying to stay sober...... its about enjoying oneself in recovery....... and if he hasn't asked you to go to this AA dance with him as his wife, then he needs a kick where the sun don't shine.
He spends every night at an AA meeting and then spends all his time after the AA meetings with his single buddies from AA?
Lizzie..... this man isn't IN recovery..... he has just found another way to allow him to remain absolutely irresponsible and not accountable for any decisions he chooses to make for HIMSELF.
I absolutely agree with Celia.... he is using his sobriety as a weapon of guilt against YOU so that he can continue his irresponsible behavior.
I can share this with you Lizzy...... if I pulled these stunts on my family when I was new in the halls of AA.....my sponsor would have gladly shared with me that it was time to grow the hell up and take responsibility for taking care of my family, and children by getting a job, and then take responsibility and be accountable to my family by being a member of my family and being there at Christmas time............ she would have also told me to get to an AA meeting early in the day so that I could be there with and for my family on Christmas day SOBER.
This guy is an irresponsible child who is using AA and his recovery as an excuse to continue to his irresponsible behavior.
Yes, we alcoholics need AA meetings, especially in early recovery, and there are many AA meetings to attend besides the nightly ones....there are day meetings everywhere and if he isn't working at all, I would suggest he hit a day AA meeting and then get off his lazy butt and look for a job, and begin to become a responsible member of his family and society.........THATS WHAT GENUINE RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS DO.....THEY STAY SOBER, GET TO AA MEETINGS, WORK THE STEPS AND BECOME RESPONSIBLE, AND ACCOUNTABLE..... wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, employees, friends, brothers, sisters, neighbors and productive members of society. We DO NOT use our recovery as an excuse to be a selfish, self-centered, irresponsible children in sobriety. Thats what we did while we were drunk.
Yes, we recovering alcoholics needs AA meetings and lots of them...... but not as an excuse to avoid, exclude or ignore our responsibilities under our own roof....... we take what what was given to us freely in the halls of AA, and we take home and put it into action..... under our own roof.
Sorry if this sounds like a rant..... but these kinds of irresponsible children that insist on calling themselves AA members.... burn my ...... ahhhhh nevermind! LOL
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Patsy, I must say I tend to agree with you , I am fairly new to AA, but my Sponser has impressed on me , that BALANCE and ACCOUNTABILITY are the key .
Far be it from me to be critical of someone who has 10 months sobriety , but it would seem to me , that there must come a time in recovery, when you still need meetings , but also, to face LIFE, ie responsibilities, and LIVE sober .
Lee
Far be it from me to be critical of someone who has 10 months sobriety , but it would seem to me , that there must come a time in recovery, when you still need meetings , but also, to face LIFE, ie responsibilities, and LIVE sober .
Lee
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