Drifting apart in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much. You really have opened my eyes. I guess whwn I look at it..nothing has really changed apart from the fact that he is in recovery. I guess I thought that as soon as he got into recovery he would change, but perhaps that selfish side to him..is just him..and not part of the disease of addiction. I have made a descision that if things do not change..well then I will change. He used me as a doormat all through his addiction and I will not let it happen through recovery. I told him last night that if he insists on going to this event on Christmas Day then he will have to find a sitter for his own kids, the only response I got was that this vent was important for his recovery. I know its all a load of garbage. Surely to God, spending his first Christmas SOBER with his kids is more important.
Anyway thanks for everything, I really do appreciate it.
Anyway thanks for everything, I really do appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Lizzie,
Lizzie I would like to suggest Alanon meetings for you. Getting into recovery is so important, do it for you.
I am a grateful recovering alcoholic, and I am also a grateful member of Alanon. Lizzie, I can share with you that the selfish, self-centeredness doesn't go away just because we begin to get to AA meetings. Yes the fellowship of AA is very very important to recovering alcoholics. Having shared that, I can also share with you that getting to AA meetings will help us to stay sober, but that alone will not helpt to change the person we brought through those doors of AA. Working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps on a daily basis will.
Lizzy, this Christmas party that he insists on going to for his "recovery?"..... is not needed for his "recovery" at all. Yes its wonderful to have a Christmas party to go to, to get together with other recovering alcoholics and have fun during a holiday season that can be a time of stress in early recovery. This Christmas party is for having fun, laughing, dancing and enjoying ourselves in sobriety with those who are on the same journey as we are. And here where I live, the spouses and significant others are not only welcome but are encouraged to attend these wonderful and fun occasions WITH the recovering alcoholic.
Lizzie, your husband is a "recovering" alcoholic and he is an adult, an adult who quit his job???? An adult who can find time to dance and fun but not work and support his home and children???? An adult who at 10 months sober is using his sobriety as an excuse to act like an irresponsible child. What is needed for his recovery is to get to AA meetings, have a sponsor that will call him on his bullsh*t, and help take him through the 12 Steps of recovery.....one step at a time. "Recovery" is about much more than not drinking.
Not drinking is the first step, and there are 11 more steps to work and I can assure you that leaving his wife and children home on Christmas day so that he can be at an AA dance is NOT one of them.
AA meetings are wonderful and without them I can share with you that I would not have been able to stay sober, thats the bottom line truth for this drunk. And there are more truths, such as I needed to get a sponsor who had worked, applied and was practicing this simple program in their own life first, and passing it on to this drunk by helping me to work, apply, and practice the 12 Steps in my own life as a recovering alkie. I do not want to leave the impression that AA meetings are not necessary....THEY ARE absolutely vital in our recovery. AA meetings are the fellowship of men and woman who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. That said, I would like to again share the importance of AA meetings, however.... AA meetings are NOT the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 Steps are the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and WE can not stay sober on the fellowship alone. If we have the desire to stay sober, then we will be working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps in our life on a daily basis so that we are able to change the person that we brought through those doors of AA and one day at a time we become responsible and accountable ADULTS.
And this AA Christmas party that he insists he "needs" for his recovery.... is bullsh*t. An AA meeting, yes....and the Christmas party is wonderful for recovering alkies AND their spouses. An AA Christmas Party is NOT an AA meeting. Yes, we alkies meet on this wonderful journey in alot of places for our sobriety, and yes having fun and enjoying ourselves helps alot, especially in early sobriety. Enjoying ourselves and having fun is great and absolutely necessary .... but NOT at the expense of our spouses, our children, our families and our responsibilities as adults.
I am wondering if he has a sponsor who has worked the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or a sponsor who trying to stay sober off the fellowship.... because as a recovering alcoholic myself, I can share with you that no AA sponsor would listen to this kind of bullsh*t that your husband is spewing and NOT call him on it. Now thats just my experience, strength and hope that I am sharing because the "program" of Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't co-sign that kind of irresponsible behavior at all. Untreated alcoholism is what co-signs the kind of bullsh*t that your husband is spewing your way.
Lizzie, enough about your husband and his untreated alcoholism. What I would like to suggest to you is Alanon meetings. Because this is a family disease, one in which effects every person who comes in contact with the alcoholic. And the disease is one that especially effects those living directly with this disease, whether the alcoholic is sober or active isn't the problem.....the problem is our own untreated illness, and yes I will call what we have while trying to live with alcoholism an illness. We can not live with this disease without becoming monumentally effected ourselves. THAT is our problem Lizzie. Because no matter if your husband stays sober, no matter if he begins to take responsibility by working the 12 Steps in his life, no matter if he becomes healthy or not......... WILL NOT change a thing about you and the effects that this disease has had on YOU.
Lizzie, there is not a darn thing that you can do about him, or his untreated alcoholism. There is nothing at all that you can do about his behavior, his words, his thinking, and his actions......... but there is MUCH that you can do about you and your behavior, your words, your thinking, and your actions..... by getting to Alanon meetings and begin your own recovery. Yes Lizzie, the truth is that whether your husband stays sober, begins to honestly recover by working the 12 steps or whether he stays sober or not....IS NOT the problem.......the problem is changing the person that you bring through the doors of Alanon by attending alanon meetings, getting a sponsor of your own, and begin working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps in your own life.
Yes Lizzie, I absolutely agree with you that your husband is an irresponsible child who is physically sober and being physically sober alone is NOT IN recovery........ and that truth will not help you Lizzie, it will not change a darn thing about YOU and the effects that this disease has had on YOU and your children.
So I would suggest taking the focus off him, his irresponsibility, his bullsh*t and put it on the only thing that you can do anything about.....YOU.
And I know how hard this is to do Lizzie, but the truth is that no matter what your husband chooses to do or not do, will not help YOU in your own recovery from this devastating disease, not one bit.
Lizzie, alcoholism effects ALL who are dealing with this terrible disease. I did read that you believe that Alanon didn't work in your case. I would like to suggest that you go back to Alanon meetings, and this time just sit and listen, identify and do not compare, and just keep an "open mind" and then take the suggestions. I would also like to suggest a book, its called "Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie. Because yes Lizzie, this is about you and your own recovery. Please take the time to get back to Alanon meetings, those meetings are so very important, and begin your own recovery.... and do it for YOU Lizzie.
I am sorry that this post is so long, and I am hoping that it makes some kind of sense to you.
I am here in Boston and there is 3 feet of snow out there..... so if this post sounds like just a rant.......then please by all means ignore me. LOL
God Bless you Lizzie,
Love
Patsy
Lizzie I would like to suggest Alanon meetings for you. Getting into recovery is so important, do it for you.
I am a grateful recovering alcoholic, and I am also a grateful member of Alanon. Lizzie, I can share with you that the selfish, self-centeredness doesn't go away just because we begin to get to AA meetings. Yes the fellowship of AA is very very important to recovering alcoholics. Having shared that, I can also share with you that getting to AA meetings will help us to stay sober, but that alone will not helpt to change the person we brought through those doors of AA. Working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps on a daily basis will.
Lizzy, this Christmas party that he insists on going to for his "recovery?"..... is not needed for his "recovery" at all. Yes its wonderful to have a Christmas party to go to, to get together with other recovering alcoholics and have fun during a holiday season that can be a time of stress in early recovery. This Christmas party is for having fun, laughing, dancing and enjoying ourselves in sobriety with those who are on the same journey as we are. And here where I live, the spouses and significant others are not only welcome but are encouraged to attend these wonderful and fun occasions WITH the recovering alcoholic.
Lizzie, your husband is a "recovering" alcoholic and he is an adult, an adult who quit his job???? An adult who can find time to dance and fun but not work and support his home and children???? An adult who at 10 months sober is using his sobriety as an excuse to act like an irresponsible child. What is needed for his recovery is to get to AA meetings, have a sponsor that will call him on his bullsh*t, and help take him through the 12 Steps of recovery.....one step at a time. "Recovery" is about much more than not drinking.
Not drinking is the first step, and there are 11 more steps to work and I can assure you that leaving his wife and children home on Christmas day so that he can be at an AA dance is NOT one of them.
AA meetings are wonderful and without them I can share with you that I would not have been able to stay sober, thats the bottom line truth for this drunk. And there are more truths, such as I needed to get a sponsor who had worked, applied and was practicing this simple program in their own life first, and passing it on to this drunk by helping me to work, apply, and practice the 12 Steps in my own life as a recovering alkie. I do not want to leave the impression that AA meetings are not necessary....THEY ARE absolutely vital in our recovery. AA meetings are the fellowship of men and woman who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. That said, I would like to again share the importance of AA meetings, however.... AA meetings are NOT the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 Steps are the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and WE can not stay sober on the fellowship alone. If we have the desire to stay sober, then we will be working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps in our life on a daily basis so that we are able to change the person that we brought through those doors of AA and one day at a time we become responsible and accountable ADULTS.
And this AA Christmas party that he insists he "needs" for his recovery.... is bullsh*t. An AA meeting, yes....and the Christmas party is wonderful for recovering alkies AND their spouses. An AA Christmas Party is NOT an AA meeting. Yes, we alkies meet on this wonderful journey in alot of places for our sobriety, and yes having fun and enjoying ourselves helps alot, especially in early sobriety. Enjoying ourselves and having fun is great and absolutely necessary .... but NOT at the expense of our spouses, our children, our families and our responsibilities as adults.
I am wondering if he has a sponsor who has worked the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or a sponsor who trying to stay sober off the fellowship.... because as a recovering alcoholic myself, I can share with you that no AA sponsor would listen to this kind of bullsh*t that your husband is spewing and NOT call him on it. Now thats just my experience, strength and hope that I am sharing because the "program" of Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't co-sign that kind of irresponsible behavior at all. Untreated alcoholism is what co-signs the kind of bullsh*t that your husband is spewing your way.
Lizzie, enough about your husband and his untreated alcoholism. What I would like to suggest to you is Alanon meetings. Because this is a family disease, one in which effects every person who comes in contact with the alcoholic. And the disease is one that especially effects those living directly with this disease, whether the alcoholic is sober or active isn't the problem.....the problem is our own untreated illness, and yes I will call what we have while trying to live with alcoholism an illness. We can not live with this disease without becoming monumentally effected ourselves. THAT is our problem Lizzie. Because no matter if your husband stays sober, no matter if he begins to take responsibility by working the 12 Steps in his life, no matter if he becomes healthy or not......... WILL NOT change a thing about you and the effects that this disease has had on YOU.
Lizzie, there is not a darn thing that you can do about him, or his untreated alcoholism. There is nothing at all that you can do about his behavior, his words, his thinking, and his actions......... but there is MUCH that you can do about you and your behavior, your words, your thinking, and your actions..... by getting to Alanon meetings and begin your own recovery. Yes Lizzie, the truth is that whether your husband stays sober, begins to honestly recover by working the 12 steps or whether he stays sober or not....IS NOT the problem.......the problem is changing the person that you bring through the doors of Alanon by attending alanon meetings, getting a sponsor of your own, and begin working, applying and practicing the 12 Steps in your own life.
Yes Lizzie, I absolutely agree with you that your husband is an irresponsible child who is physically sober and being physically sober alone is NOT IN recovery........ and that truth will not help you Lizzie, it will not change a darn thing about YOU and the effects that this disease has had on YOU and your children.
So I would suggest taking the focus off him, his irresponsibility, his bullsh*t and put it on the only thing that you can do anything about.....YOU.
And I know how hard this is to do Lizzie, but the truth is that no matter what your husband chooses to do or not do, will not help YOU in your own recovery from this devastating disease, not one bit.
Lizzie, alcoholism effects ALL who are dealing with this terrible disease. I did read that you believe that Alanon didn't work in your case. I would like to suggest that you go back to Alanon meetings, and this time just sit and listen, identify and do not compare, and just keep an "open mind" and then take the suggestions. I would also like to suggest a book, its called "Codependent No More"...by Melody Beattie. Because yes Lizzie, this is about you and your own recovery. Please take the time to get back to Alanon meetings, those meetings are so very important, and begin your own recovery.... and do it for YOU Lizzie.
I am sorry that this post is so long, and I am hoping that it makes some kind of sense to you.
I am here in Boston and there is 3 feet of snow out there..... so if this post sounds like just a rant.......then please by all means ignore me. LOL
God Bless you Lizzie,
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Actually ((((((((((((((Cecilia))))))))))))))))) it was reading YOUR share that helped me to put into words what I was feeling. Because what you shared was the absolute truth...... and you shared it beautifully 
Love,
Patsy
Love,
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Lizzie,
Also read Women who love too much. by Robin Norwood.
There is no reason that you cannot go with him to an A.A function. Any functions that I attend the members bring their spouses.
Your husband is full of crap.
One thing you said that you made a decision if nothing changed you'd leave. Nothing will change. He doesn't have to change you are going along with his crap. It's time for you to change. Do what Patsy suggested, go to Alanon meetings and listen for awhile. They say try at least 6 meetings before you make a decision.
Ngaire
Also read Women who love too much. by Robin Norwood.
There is no reason that you cannot go with him to an A.A function. Any functions that I attend the members bring their spouses.
Your husband is full of crap.
One thing you said that you made a decision if nothing changed you'd leave. Nothing will change. He doesn't have to change you are going along with his crap. It's time for you to change. Do what Patsy suggested, go to Alanon meetings and listen for awhile. They say try at least 6 meetings before you make a decision.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Lizzie,
Also read Women who love too much. by Robin Norwood.
There is no reason that you cannot go with him to an A.A function. Any functions that I attend the members bring their spouses.
Your husband is full of crap.
One thing you said that you made a decision if nothing changed you'd leave. Nothing will change. He doesn't have to change you are going along with his crap. It's time for you to change. Do what Patsy suggested, go to Alanon meetings and listen for awhile. They say try at least 6 meetings before you make a decision.
Ngaire
Also read Women who love too much. by Robin Norwood.
There is no reason that you cannot go with him to an A.A function. Any functions that I attend the members bring their spouses.
Your husband is full of crap.
One thing you said that you made a decision if nothing changed you'd leave. Nothing will change. He doesn't have to change you are going along with his crap. It's time for you to change. Do what Patsy suggested, go to Alanon meetings and listen for awhile. They say try at least 6 meetings before you make a decision.
Ngaire
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