not sure what to do :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
not sure what to do :(
I was up until recently in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, and were pretty happy and loved each other...we were still together when he decided to start attending AA meetings. We attended his first two meetings together (I'm not an alcoholic) and I was so proud of him to admitting his problem and getting help. I also understood that this was something that I could not relate to him but I wanted to support him as much as I can.
Well...he started going to more meetings, got a sponsor. He seemed pretty happy and determined to go through with this. Then one night he called and told me that he had to break up with me because he wanted to focus on his sobriety. He told me I had done nothing wrong. Of course I was hurt by his decision, but I agreed because he did need to focus on his recovery. We were still talking, and then last week, he told me he had started seeing someone who is also in AA. He said she wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't serious, but it was romantic. And worse yet, he thought I would take this all rationally! How could he do that when he knew I was willing to support him? This has hurt me to the point where I can't focus on much and it's worrying my family and friends.
...and I thought alcoholics weren't supposed to get into relationships with anyone during their first year? His sponsor obviously disapproves of it but he can't tell him what to do. My ex even admitted he was throwing logic to the wind by doing this, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he has only a little over 60 days sober. Then he goes on to tell me this girl got herself arrested a few days ago....he didn't tell me for what though.
I feel so heartbroken over all of this...I've cried, complained, and thought about this over and over. And with the exception of the sponsor, everyone else seems ok with it!
Someone please explain to me why alcoholics do things like this....don't they know that what they do really hurts the ones they love?
Well...he started going to more meetings, got a sponsor. He seemed pretty happy and determined to go through with this. Then one night he called and told me that he had to break up with me because he wanted to focus on his sobriety. He told me I had done nothing wrong. Of course I was hurt by his decision, but I agreed because he did need to focus on his recovery. We were still talking, and then last week, he told me he had started seeing someone who is also in AA. He said she wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't serious, but it was romantic. And worse yet, he thought I would take this all rationally! How could he do that when he knew I was willing to support him? This has hurt me to the point where I can't focus on much and it's worrying my family and friends.
...and I thought alcoholics weren't supposed to get into relationships with anyone during their first year? His sponsor obviously disapproves of it but he can't tell him what to do. My ex even admitted he was throwing logic to the wind by doing this, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he has only a little over 60 days sober. Then he goes on to tell me this girl got herself arrested a few days ago....he didn't tell me for what though.
I feel so heartbroken over all of this...I've cried, complained, and thought about this over and over. And with the exception of the sponsor, everyone else seems ok with it!
Someone please explain to me why alcoholics do things like this....don't they know that what they do really hurts the ones they love?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family,
Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing some of your story with us. I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. I want to offer you a cyber ((hug)).
I wish I had answers about why your alcoholic friend is doing the things he is doing. I don't, however. I couldn't figure out why my alcoholic did the irrational things he did either.
That's not a cop-out, but a truth. You and I can not explain the behaviors of another adult, especially an adult with a chemical addiction. We will exhaust ourselves searching for answers that won't change the present situation.
I hope you will take time to read around this forum. There is a wealth of information and wisdom in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum page. Some of our stories are also posted there.
Since you are familiar with the 12 steps of AA, you may find face-to-face support in your local Alanon meetings. They have been a tremendous help to me in learning to take care of myself and rebuild my life after alcoholism.
Hugs and Peace to you as you rebuild your life after this heart ache.
Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing some of your story with us. I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. I want to offer you a cyber ((hug)).
I wish I had answers about why your alcoholic friend is doing the things he is doing. I don't, however. I couldn't figure out why my alcoholic did the irrational things he did either.
That's not a cop-out, but a truth. You and I can not explain the behaviors of another adult, especially an adult with a chemical addiction. We will exhaust ourselves searching for answers that won't change the present situation.
I hope you will take time to read around this forum. There is a wealth of information and wisdom in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum page. Some of our stories are also posted there.
Since you are familiar with the 12 steps of AA, you may find face-to-face support in your local Alanon meetings. They have been a tremendous help to me in learning to take care of myself and rebuild my life after alcoholism.
Hugs and Peace to you as you rebuild your life after this heart ache.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
aerilea, Welcome. I read your post and am sorry to hear what you are going thru.
You may never understand why your BF did what he did. You said he was in recovery, did he start drinking again? Active alcoholics make such crazy, rash, unhealthy decisions. I was often shocked and disgusted by some of the XA choices. It would just leave me in the WTF are you thinking mode. And I never could make heads or tails out of his unacceptable behavior.
I guess that is how they roll............
They are not thinking clearly. Their ability to make reasonable choices is polluted by the alcohol. Long term use of alcohol causes brain damage.
Now is the time to take care of you. Try not to second guess his reasons, it becomes overwhelming, and it is not healthy for your state of mind. Personally, I do believe you just dodged a bullet. You are one lucky woman......... All my best to you.
You may never understand why your BF did what he did. You said he was in recovery, did he start drinking again? Active alcoholics make such crazy, rash, unhealthy decisions. I was often shocked and disgusted by some of the XA choices. It would just leave me in the WTF are you thinking mode. And I never could make heads or tails out of his unacceptable behavior.
I guess that is how they roll............
They are not thinking clearly. Their ability to make reasonable choices is polluted by the alcohol. Long term use of alcohol causes brain damage.
Now is the time to take care of you. Try not to second guess his reasons, it becomes overwhelming, and it is not healthy for your state of mind. Personally, I do believe you just dodged a bullet. You are one lucky woman......... All my best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I really feel for your story. I went through something similar with the exception that he isn't seeing anyone, just needed 'space'. Well space seems to be an indefinite absence so I have let go.
That is what you have to do as hard as it is, you will feel better in the long run.
It really does hurt and no, it makes NO sense at all. Meaning, some of what they do is enexplainable even in recovery. You are respecting his wishes so maybe talking to him still is making things harder for you ?
We are here for ya.
That is what you have to do as hard as it is, you will feel better in the long run.
It really does hurt and no, it makes NO sense at all. Meaning, some of what they do is enexplainable even in recovery. You are respecting his wishes so maybe talking to him still is making things harder for you ?
We are here for ya.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by aerilea 
I was up until recently in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, and were pretty happy and loved each other...we were still together when he decided to start attending AA meetings. We attended his first two meetings together (I'm not an alcoholic) and I was so proud of him to admitting his problem and getting help. I also understood that this was something that I could not relate to him but I wanted to support him as much as I can.
Well...he started going to more meetings, got a sponsor. He seemed pretty happy and determined to go through with this. Then one night he called and told me that he had to break up with me because he wanted to focus on his sobriety. He told me I had done nothing wrong. Of course I was hurt by his decision, but I agreed because he did need to focus on his recovery. We were still talking, and then last week, he told me he had started seeing someone who is also in AA. He said she wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't serious, but it was romantic. And worse yet, he thought I would take this all rationally! How could he do that when he knew I was willing to support him? This has hurt me to the point where I can't focus on much and it's worrying my family and friends.
...and I thought alcoholics weren't supposed to get into relationships with anyone during their first year? His sponsor obviously disapproves of it but he can't tell him what to do. My ex even admitted he was throwing logic to the wind by doing this, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he has only a little over 60 days sober. Then he goes on to tell me this girl got herself arrested a few days ago....he didn't tell me for what though.
I feel so heartbroken over all of this...I've cried, complained, and thought about this over and over. And with the exception of the sponsor, everyone else seems ok with it!
Someone please explain to me why alcoholics do things like this....don't they know that what they do really hurts the ones they love?
Well...he started going to more meetings, got a sponsor. He seemed pretty happy and determined to go through with this. Then one night he called and told me that he had to break up with me because he wanted to focus on his sobriety. He told me I had done nothing wrong. Of course I was hurt by his decision, but I agreed because he did need to focus on his recovery. We were still talking, and then last week, he told me he had started seeing someone who is also in AA. He said she wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't serious, but it was romantic. And worse yet, he thought I would take this all rationally! How could he do that when he knew I was willing to support him? This has hurt me to the point where I can't focus on much and it's worrying my family and friends.
...and I thought alcoholics weren't supposed to get into relationships with anyone during their first year? His sponsor obviously disapproves of it but he can't tell him what to do. My ex even admitted he was throwing logic to the wind by doing this, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he has only a little over 60 days sober. Then he goes on to tell me this girl got herself arrested a few days ago....he didn't tell me for what though.
I feel so heartbroken over all of this...I've cried, complained, and thought about this over and over. And with the exception of the sponsor, everyone else seems ok with it!
Someone please explain to me why alcoholics do things like this....don't they know that what they do really hurts the ones they love?
(hugs)
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