Astolfo

A few days ago I posted here about telling my AH we need a separation, and asking him to move out of our apartment.

After much blaming and ranting ("you've betrayed me, I can never trust you again, you're not being fair, I have nowhere to go, you're asking too much" etc. etc.) he calmed down and asked that we go to the joint counselling session that was already booked for next week, to talk this through "with a third party present." He said that if I still felt the same after that, he would move out.

I agreed to this, even though I don't believe he can say anything that will change my mind. I feel so clear that he has to go, that each of us needs to work on our sh*t individually and that each of us is part of the other's problem. Plus I have HAD IT with the effects of the addiction(s) (AH smokes large quantities of marijuana and tobacco every day, in addition to drinking). BUT - and here's why I'm posting again - I still feel so sorry for him.

My friends and family have stepped up for me and been amazing since I told them what was going on; his family and friends are mired in alcoholism and unable to help. I have a job I love and so many things I want to see and do in my life; he hates his job and has always expected a bleak future.

I know I'm healthier and happier without him - but I'm afraid of the part of me that still doesn't want to hurt him or make him feel abandoned and rejected. I know, on an intellectual level, that this is one of the symptoms of codependency ("I will save him!!"); I know I have to put myself first - but then I see that little kid inside him and I start thinking I'm being too selfish.

I will try to be strong tomorrow but please send me some support and encouragement! Thank you.

LifeRecovery

I struggled with worry for months after separating from my loved one who was struggling with addiction. I had a huge sense of relief for myself but was so worried about him it was hard to function.

It finally started to settle in that I am NO help to people unless I am okay in myself, for me without that I am just in a cycle of codependent craziness and often my giving is really harmful (to others and to myself). I cannot give unless I am coming from a space of healing and groundedness. I have heard the analogy about what the flight attendants tell us on the plane. If the oxygen masks come down you have to put yours on first...then help others. That helped me a lot.

The behaviors and feelings did not start overnight, and they won't go away overnight. You will find your own worth though.

I can't remember have you been to Al-anon? That program helped me with some of the concerns you mentioned in addition to the counseling.

wanttobehealthy

Somewhere around here is a post from me last week called "quackity quack quack all the way home".

In it my AH tries one last ditch effort at getting me to let him come back.

I read it and tried to not be impacted by his manipulation (that sounded nice but I knew was all quacking). I stuck to the separation and let him know no words would change my mind; all that would change my mind would be LONG TERM actions.

When he didn't get his way he turned very quickly from reasonable AH to blaming, accusatory, nasty AH.

Just bc your H is being pleasant right now doesn't mean a thing related to his recovery. You can go to T with him regularly if you like but still be separated.

Think of what got you to the point of saying you wanted him out... what has he done to assure you that that won't occur again?

I think he is scared and right now he is saying/doing whatever he thinks will get you to reconsider.

I waffled back and forth for years before I followed through. I had to do it that way. I had to believe AH and try to see if his words would be followed through with bc I wanted to make it work and I loved him.

I often wonder if I'd separated long ago before it got as bad as it did, whether we might have had a chance to make it work. Think of a separation as a positive for you and your r/s instead of a negative perhaps and that might make it easier to stick with it.

For what it's worth my H has continued to go between nice and nasty even since he moved out and it's been hard to realize that nothing is going to change with him... But having peace in my home is wonderful and you deserve that too!

CagedBird

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Exactly. It is really hard.

You are not alone. We will get through this.

Shirt423

I feel the same about the "little boy inside of them". Every time my rabf does something that hurts me, where I am really let down and feel used, betrayed, lied to, etc - if he ends up crying I cave, hug him, and tell him everything will be ok.

I know he is more messed up than I am, and has more emotional problems, but for how long do I have to sacrifice my own self respect to make him "feel better"? I am so far past the fool me once, blame on you - fool me twice, blame on me. I think i've been fooled 100+ times.

I now hold on to the only hope I have, which is his program working for him. His new sponsor his amazing, a really stand up guy and he and his wife have class. Thank god. I hope this works, because if it doesn't I have nothing left to hold on to and nowhere in my own sick head will I be able to justify staying in such a relationship.