Angry, frustrated, jealous rant of how she ****** my day over
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
Angry, frustrated, jealous rant of how she ****** my day over
She is smoking weed now with her ex (before me) and they might be having sex too, but she is definitely smoking.
I went back to work after this conversation... and then I cried. She came back to get her purse and saw me. I told her it was work stress. Then she left uncaring. I left early. I called an al-anon friend and we talked for two hours.
You can't imagine my confusion, frustration, and jealousy. First this girl breaks up with me. So I back off. Then she starts hanging with the ex and we go no contact. And she breaks no contact. So then I start to see her a little more and she likes it. Then I decide to tell her that I am going to move to SF and then she starts with the weed (and maybe sex).
I haven't been able to kiss her or hold her or touch her or be intimate with her since recovery. I haven't been able to hang out with her or tell her how much I love her. But this ******* scumbag ex gets all of that attention from her.
Look-- I KNOW she is ****** up and I KNOW she is in recovery. I also know that she cares for me deeply. BUT WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO INFORM ME OF THIS ********. I don't need to know. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
I went back to work after this conversation... and then I cried. She came back to get her purse and saw me. I told her it was work stress. Then she left uncaring. I left early. I called an al-anon friend and we talked for two hours.
You can't imagine my confusion, frustration, and jealousy. First this girl breaks up with me. So I back off. Then she starts hanging with the ex and we go no contact. And she breaks no contact. So then I start to see her a little more and she likes it. Then I decide to tell her that I am going to move to SF and then she starts with the weed (and maybe sex).
I haven't been able to kiss her or hold her or touch her or be intimate with her since recovery. I haven't been able to hang out with her or tell her how much I love her. But this ******* scumbag ex gets all of that attention from her.
Look-- I KNOW she is ****** up and I KNOW she is in recovery. I also know that she cares for me deeply. BUT WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO INFORM ME OF THIS ********. I don't need to know. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Dude. What is it going to take for you to figure out what she is doing, who she really is, your addiction to her, and how you are going to move on with your life and not find another "her?"
Good God. Read your own post man!
Cyranoak
Good God. Read your own post man!
Cyranoak
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Rorty,
It makes me sad for you to hear about this. I do, however, think she is actually showing her true colors now. I know this is going to sound harsh, but it seems as though the minute she realized you were not going to be around to enable her, she moved on to someone who would without complaint.
I hope you realize you deserve soooo much more than this.
Huge hugs, HG
It makes me sad for you to hear about this. I do, however, think she is actually showing her true colors now. I know this is going to sound harsh, but it seems as though the minute she realized you were not going to be around to enable her, she moved on to someone who would without complaint.
I hope you realize you deserve soooo much more than this.
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
so sorry for your pain!!! 
i missed the affection and attention from my xab so much over the past four months, but never wanted to pressure him. the ONE time i asked for a little affection (can't a girl get some cuddlin'?), he got mad at me and told me that he had no desire after his crappy week. hurt like the dickens!!!
keep your chin up. tomorrow is a new day.
i missed the affection and attention from my xab so much over the past four months, but never wanted to pressure him. the ONE time i asked for a little affection (can't a girl get some cuddlin'?), he got mad at me and told me that he had no desire after his crappy week. hurt like the dickens!!!
keep your chin up. tomorrow is a new day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
She may care but addicts don't have the CAPACITY to ever give back in a healthy way. It is important for you to remember that or you will be feeling like crap every time this happens.
It is putting a square peg into a round hole.
Even in recovery their healthy abilities are limited for a lonnnng time. You look at it through yours or my lense but we aren't on substances/drinking. Believe me, I still get sad, miss him miserably but he still cannot be there for me right now.
Who knows in the future but right now is all we have.
It is putting a square peg into a round hole.
Even in recovery their healthy abilities are limited for a lonnnng time. You look at it through yours or my lense but we aren't on substances/drinking. Believe me, I still get sad, miss him miserably but he still cannot be there for me right now.
Who knows in the future but right now is all we have.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
To be honest, I figured she'd do something like this after you told her you were moving. These people can't just graciously let go and wish you the best; they have to make sure you see them screwing up in the hopes that it'll get your attention and you'll prove your love for her by giving up on taking care of yourself and hang around hoping she'll come back. It's a ploy. It's all they know. Hope you don't fall for it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hey man, I am really sorry that this is happening. As for how can she do this? Well I hate to tell you this but she really doesn't care about you. If she did she wouldn't be acting this way. Accept that it's over and look forward to your move to SF.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Hey, mine is showing me his true colors too.....all 5 million shades of **** brown. I actually thanked him for the honesty. I actually have a little gratitude for seeing him for who he really is. It sucks, though, don't get me wrong. I miss him even though I'd like to kick his teeth in! And, just like you, I know he is devastated about the loss of this relationship. He just can't or won't show it in a healthy way because, well, he's not healthy. It doesn't take the hurt away at all knowing that, so I won't lie to you. But, this waiting to see who breaks first tournament is going to eat your life up. Don't let her rent space in your brain.:ghug3
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You have to let go.....for you...not her.
I too wanted to believe that my exabf really cared about me, but, he didn't. I was just a bridge, a lay over in the out of control flight that he is on. I was wearing my rose colored glasses, playing lets pretend, possibly a feeble attempt to protect my ego.
She does not care anymore about the ex than she does about you. She is not capable of doing so, I am not saying this because I have nothing better to do with my time, I say it beacuse I have lived it....and.....at first, it does hurt. Then after a period of time, it doesn't matter, she is the loser, you are the winner, you have moved on with your life, she is still stuck in her addiction, the self destruction of her life.
Focus on you...she is not worth another moment of your time...you deserve so much better, your future is bright...hers is not.
I feel your pain and I am sorry, keep posting it will help.
I too wanted to believe that my exabf really cared about me, but, he didn't. I was just a bridge, a lay over in the out of control flight that he is on. I was wearing my rose colored glasses, playing lets pretend, possibly a feeble attempt to protect my ego.
She does not care anymore about the ex than she does about you. She is not capable of doing so, I am not saying this because I have nothing better to do with my time, I say it beacuse I have lived it....and.....at first, it does hurt. Then after a period of time, it doesn't matter, she is the loser, you are the winner, you have moved on with your life, she is still stuck in her addiction, the self destruction of her life.
Focus on you...she is not worth another moment of your time...you deserve so much better, your future is bright...hers is not.
I feel your pain and I am sorry, keep posting it will help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
So much love and support here. I needed this so much. I wish I had refreshed this page because she just came by and I would have turned her away if I had the strength. She came over and just wanted to quack. And when she was done quacking she asked about SF, of course. The entire time I was sitting here in silence. I cried in front of her. She hugged me, told me she loved me, then left.
I don't understand it.
I don't understand it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You will never understand the mind of an addict. They are entirely on a different wave length, and, their ability to confuse and manipulate another is pure genius.
Her "I Love You's" mean nothing, her actions speak for themselves, she said the words you so want to hear...and...then she turned her back on you and walked out the door.
What do her actions tell you?
Please go no contact, by staying in contact with her you are only hurting yourself.
Her "I Love You's" mean nothing, her actions speak for themselves, she said the words you so want to hear...and...then she turned her back on you and walked out the door.
What do her actions tell you?
Please go no contact, by staying in contact with her you are only hurting yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
She's an addict Rorty. She's just doing what addicts do. All their efforts going to their primary love... their drug(s) of choice.
For my AH, it's alcohol. He will do whatever it takes to keep drinking - doesn't matter that it's destroying his marriage/family, doesn't matter that he's breaking the law (drinking and driving), and doesn't matter that he acts like a royal asshat when he's drunk. All he cares about is being able to get drunk. That's it.
Trying to reason with an addict is like herding cats. Give up - it's never going to happen. Surrender. Let go and find someone who is worth your time, effort, and love.
For my AH, it's alcohol. He will do whatever it takes to keep drinking - doesn't matter that it's destroying his marriage/family, doesn't matter that he's breaking the law (drinking and driving), and doesn't matter that he acts like a royal asshat when he's drunk. All he cares about is being able to get drunk. That's it.
Trying to reason with an addict is like herding cats. Give up - it's never going to happen. Surrender. Let go and find someone who is worth your time, effort, and love.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 8
Did you marry her?
If you did, you may have to consult someone other than me.
But if that answer is no, I believe you are not under any obligation here.
Those of us who are sober today are making ourselves some tough choices.
Are you drug, drink, and disease free?
Welcome.
But if you're not DDD-free...
There are those of us, the rules are clear, and we don't play no more.
Yes, it is that simple.
If you did, you may have to consult someone other than me.
But if that answer is no, I believe you are not under any obligation here.
Those of us who are sober today are making ourselves some tough choices.
Are you drug, drink, and disease free?
Welcome.
But if you're not DDD-free...
There are those of us, the rules are clear, and we don't play no more.
Yes, it is that simple.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
Okay.... back to feeling normal. The poison has run its course. Yeah. I'm going to leave it up to fate and my higher power to restore my sanity and to lead me on the right path. I just cannot in my human mind right now choose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 86
I'm still coming to SF. I am still leaving her here. Today was a crappy day. And yes, being around her makes me feel helpless and crazy. But I love her even if she doesn't give a **** about me. I still think about how I want that loving, adoring, funny, pretty girl back in my arms. It's a nice fantasy, and maybe someday, but not today.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
rorty ((hugs)) I lived a similar story and many others too...
That is one thing that makes mourning an alcoholic worse than mourning a "normie".. boy now my normie exīs look like angels compared to XABF lol.
As suki says they canīt let go and go on with their life in a discrete way as healthy adults do.
Remember they are addicts, one of their traits is that they donīt live in the real world. They need alcohol to mimic a sense of warmth. They live in the world of appearances. When you are drunk you feel happy and it seems like everyone else is your friend. But its an illusion. That is where they live. And its good you donīt understand that, it means you are walking here on Earth thus capable of achieving real satisfaction, joy, whatever is good...
XABF took a few days to start going out with a friend he had, she drank more than him, if thatīs even possible. It hurt .. then he arrived at work with the hair messed up, huge smile on his face, talking about his conquest... he even brought the woman to our office... I WAS WORKING THERE AND WITNESSING THE WHOLE THING! my pain was way too much and he didnīt give a damn. I have never felt so invisible in my life.
Then I suffered for months and months imagining them together etc... not worth it... but an excellent way of endless self torture... why would you ever deserve it? you don't.
rorty you could be smoking too, or drinking, or having sex with someone different every day.
Is that happiness for you?
Would that be good use for your precious time on this planet?
The feelings will subside, it took eons but now I donīt even think about it, or if the image comes up I no longer suffer. If it helps I donīt give a damn about their life (or sad and toxic version of "life") but I care a lot about you, because your journey is similar to mine and you seem like a decent honest person, who deserves someone equally great
Donīt compare your insides to their outsides, if your ex is behaving like this she is already in the downward spiral, addiction needs enablers period, has nothing to do with you... it doesnīt feel that way I know, it feels deeply personal but it is not.
The fact she is doing these things just highlights your sane and healthy decision to go no contact. Go no contact.
My ex and all his friends and coworkers saw me crying and like a zombie often. The world kept spinning. I approached SR, people doing 12 steps, therapy, talked to true friends that cared about me. And to pčople that didnīt know XABF.
Just a few days ago a friend brought him up and I started feeling anxious but I told her "I don't want to talk about him". That felt great. It was an emotional roller coaster but its great when it finally ends !!!!! maybe if I see XABF in the real world I will feel things again but now I know feelings pass and they change sooner or later, its their nature... you can keep on living regardless of the feeling visiting your soul at a given moment.
Hugs and be kind to yourself !!
PS I read this article many times, perhaps it helps
Dependency - Relationship
DEPENDENCY IS A SELFISH ACT
We must awaken to the fact that those that have a dependency problem are very sick selfish individuals. They do not have to look far for someone to feed off of, in a parasitic way, as there are too many individuals who are subconscious, willing victims who come to them and then become martyrs to the cause, and now nurture the dis-ease in the person who they have given their power to. It all stems from a selfish act.
There is also a sticky about Addiction being a tragic play... are you familiar with it? I can post a link ..
PS Life gets so much better, you just wait .. you are doing so much better than how I was doing already ... ! keep writing your own story. How are your SF plans going ??
That is one thing that makes mourning an alcoholic worse than mourning a "normie".. boy now my normie exīs look like angels compared to XABF lol.
As suki says they canīt let go and go on with their life in a discrete way as healthy adults do.
Remember they are addicts, one of their traits is that they donīt live in the real world. They need alcohol to mimic a sense of warmth. They live in the world of appearances. When you are drunk you feel happy and it seems like everyone else is your friend. But its an illusion. That is where they live. And its good you donīt understand that, it means you are walking here on Earth thus capable of achieving real satisfaction, joy, whatever is good...
XABF took a few days to start going out with a friend he had, she drank more than him, if thatīs even possible. It hurt .. then he arrived at work with the hair messed up, huge smile on his face, talking about his conquest... he even brought the woman to our office... I WAS WORKING THERE AND WITNESSING THE WHOLE THING! my pain was way too much and he didnīt give a damn. I have never felt so invisible in my life.
Then I suffered for months and months imagining them together etc... not worth it... but an excellent way of endless self torture... why would you ever deserve it? you don't.
rorty you could be smoking too, or drinking, or having sex with someone different every day.
Is that happiness for you?
Would that be good use for your precious time on this planet?
The feelings will subside, it took eons but now I donīt even think about it, or if the image comes up I no longer suffer. If it helps I donīt give a damn about their life (or sad and toxic version of "life") but I care a lot about you, because your journey is similar to mine and you seem like a decent honest person, who deserves someone equally great
Donīt compare your insides to their outsides, if your ex is behaving like this she is already in the downward spiral, addiction needs enablers period, has nothing to do with you... it doesnīt feel that way I know, it feels deeply personal but it is not.
The fact she is doing these things just highlights your sane and healthy decision to go no contact. Go no contact.
My ex and all his friends and coworkers saw me crying and like a zombie often. The world kept spinning. I approached SR, people doing 12 steps, therapy, talked to true friends that cared about me. And to pčople that didnīt know XABF.
Just a few days ago a friend brought him up and I started feeling anxious but I told her "I don't want to talk about him". That felt great. It was an emotional roller coaster but its great when it finally ends !!!!! maybe if I see XABF in the real world I will feel things again but now I know feelings pass and they change sooner or later, its their nature... you can keep on living regardless of the feeling visiting your soul at a given moment.
Hugs and be kind to yourself !!
PS I read this article many times, perhaps it helps
Dependency - Relationship
DEPENDENCY IS A SELFISH ACT
We must awaken to the fact that those that have a dependency problem are very sick selfish individuals. They do not have to look far for someone to feed off of, in a parasitic way, as there are too many individuals who are subconscious, willing victims who come to them and then become martyrs to the cause, and now nurture the dis-ease in the person who they have given their power to. It all stems from a selfish act.
There is also a sticky about Addiction being a tragic play... are you familiar with it? I can post a link ..
PS Life gets so much better, you just wait .. you are doing so much better than how I was doing already ... ! keep writing your own story. How are your SF plans going ??
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Rorty, what you and I are going through is Codie withdrawal. We are giving up or drug of choice and it is difficult. We want this fantasy life which deep down we know will never happen but it is oh so hard to give up. Keeping my contact to a minimum with my AW has helped me, but even after 5 months of separation still keeps popping up. Al-Anon, SR and working my program keep me moving in the right direction. Hang in there dude, we are both working through this and we can do it.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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