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Old 09-14-2011, 10:23 AM   #61 (permalink)
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I think donation is a great word. There's a very good chance any book donated would find it's way to him.
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:36 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MTUSA View Post
Alright, I've gone on and on about ME. Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
You are an important person.
You are the one looking for answers in your life.
The more you talk about you on this forum, rather than focusing on others' problems, the healthier you are.

There is no shame in taking care of yourself.
Besides, if you drain yourself dry taking care of others, then you're no use to anybody anyway.
The healthier you are, the more useful you are to the universe, too - and that doesn't happen if you deny yourself your own self-care.


The disease of an addict is to put their addiction in front of everything else, until it is the most important thing in their lives.
For alcoholics, this is alcohol.
For drug addicts, this is their drug of choice.
And for the rest of us, this is the alcoholic/drug addict, where we put all our energy into trying to save them, while we ourselves waste away into nothing but a bundle of raw nerves, ready to jump through the roof at a moment's notice.

So in this context, talking about yourself is putting down your drug of choice (the addict and all the associated drama).
If that makes any sense?


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Originally Posted by MTUSA View Post
Watching a child die by their own hands, is horrible.
I once heard someone refer to addiction as "Suicide on the installment plan." Truer, sadder words were never spoken.
Addiction is a horrible disease.
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:57 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Deb - I just want to offer you my sympathies and support. You sound like such a caring, grounded mother. I am currently going thru a divorce with my alocholic spouse and the main reason I separated from him, is for the kids' sake. I worry about how all this has affected my kids and worry about them being genetically predisposed to addiction and that scares me like hell. I can only imagine how hard it must be for a parent to see their child go through addiction. I had tears in my eyes reading about your son.. I will keep you (and all other parents with addicted children) in my prayers and thoughts. Good luck and Praying that your son recovers from this horrible disease and leads a productive and peaceful life.
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Old 09-15-2011, 06:57 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Thanks Starcat.

Most parents do give until it hurts (emotionally, and other ways). I think that's what's called "unconditional love." Everyone is entitled (not a cleche') to make mistakes. I don't believe those addicted intentionally want to hurt anyone. In the end, maybe they feel so badly about themselves (addiction) that they do want to leave this world, as the addiction is so great.

I have deep compassion for those suffering with an addiction or with an addicted loved one. That is something I did not aquire or have, when I put my mother into treatment (3X) years ago...

It took my son, whom I love differently to show me what compassion feels like.

Thanks again Star.

Deb
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:08 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Wow, BeProactive,

Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through. I cannot imagine becoming a single parent as a result of my spouses alcholism (or drug addiction). How difficult that must be, I can only imagine (financially/emotionally, etc.). I have no doubt the children are confused, in denial, etc. My thought regarding that (just in case I might be right...), is not to demonize your husband, their father. That will only harm the kids.

No matter how frustrated/angry, you might become with your spouse, please do not ever say to the children, that their dad is a bad person in any way. Tell the children all the good things you can about him, and explain that he is addicted to alcohol. Let them know "anyone" can beome addicted to alcohol. That he is NOT a bad person, but his mind and emotions don't function right as a result of the alcohol in his system.

Kids (subconcioiusly) believe they are half one parent, half the other. So telling a child that their parent is weak/bad/hopeless, etc., won't do anything but hurt the kids. It also won't help your spouse.

Please write anytime. Hope I didn't overstep with my thoughts. Keep the kids from feeling ashamed of their father...

Deb
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:20 PM   #66 (permalink)
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(((Deb))) - I've missed a whole page (been busy with school work).

My dad is a "reformed smoker", my stepmom, niece, and I smoke. He likens it to my addiction, and though I KNOW it's an addiction, I remind him "smoking hasn't put me in jail, had me selling myself on the streets or shooting up drugs into my veins (I did the opiates before crack)". It's not that I'm downplaying smoking cigarettes as an addiction, it just doesn't take you to the same place we addicts of drugs/alcohol go. Not to say I haven't known people to turn off their oxygen to light up a cig

As far as letting him know what's going on with your life, I wouldn't think of it as throwing it in his face. Simple things like just mentioning what you've done that day, ran into so-and-so, went out to eat, whatever. If he grumbles and gripes that HE can't do that (which I did, at the beginning, saying "must be nice" sarcastically) just blow it off. A really good response I learned here is "hmmm"

Remember, you have a right to live life as best you can. His actions got him where he is, and he can learn from them if he chooses. I use the "hmmm" a lot when my niece is whining about something and if she continues, I remind her about "consequences" at which point she hangs up on me.

Regardless, I feel the seeds are being planted in her brain, just as they were mine, and though she may not act on them for a time, it's amazing the things you remember when you're thinking more clearly.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:36 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Hello Impurrfect,

You are perfectly adorable. Thank you so much for sharing about your niece, your own struggles, etc.


So, if he complains in jail (If he calls me...), I'm gonna' just say "hmmm...".

I had to laugh at that one. He does know how to manipulate us, and many times has been very unkind/mean to us (parents).

Most of all, I APPRECIATE the input of someone who has been there.

What the H E double hockey stick made you want to try drugs? (Peer pressure I am guessing...)

T.H.A.N.K.S. You're adorable. I now have an ex crack user for a FRIEND! Kinda' funny, but I am a better person today than I was 10 years ago. Forgive anyone who is unkind to you about your history. They truly don't know what they are doing.

Deb
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:42 PM   #68 (permalink)
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MTUSA.....I'm pretty new to this site and been away for a few days but am going thru exactly what you are with my daughter. Her DOC is heroin. But has also gotten in trouble with alcohol and meth. She has been thru state rehab (prison rehab) three times. The first time she was in for 6 months, started using again in the half way house.

In for 4 months, then got drunk and totaled her truck. Back in for 4 months and I was totally convinced she had finally 'got it'. Going to school, passing UA's, completed IOP, living at home etc. Then the judge asked for a hair follicle test. I am always so shocked....don't know why.

She says she will turn herself in when she is ready. I did not hear from her for a month except an occasional txt saying she loved me.

Having said all that...I too had similar experiences with Alanon about 10 years ago dealing with XAH. I had very negative thoughts about it. But after encouragement from this site I have discovered a wonderful group going thru many of the same issues as we are with addicted and alcoholic children. They have been quite open, understanding, and encouraging.

I know my daughter is eventually going to do prison time and I hate it. But it was her choice. I still have a hard time believing what addicts/alcoholics are willing to throw away. Reading on the AA and NA forums have helped me there also. I do know that I am finally learning to detatch. I have not tried to find her, haven't texted her unless she did so first. I'm just trying to take care of me.

Good luck to you with your son. I truly know your heart is broken. And it is worse with a child than a husband.....at least for me. Fortunately the X is now sober and we can at least discuss what is going on.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:33 AM   #69 (permalink)
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(((MTUSA))) - I do believe I was born a codie. I was always trying to "fix" people and situations, though neither of my parents were like that (dad is NOW). It was being in a 20-year relationship with a verbally/emotionally abusive man (my first love) that led me to want to get numb. Started out drinking with him, when that stopped working (I actually lost interest when we broke up), turned to high potency opiates, then finally to crack.

That's why I've had to deal with my codie issues along with the addiction ones. I didn't realize how much addiction is in my dad's side of the family at the time, and I do believe there is a genetic tendency, but I don't blame anyone but myself. I made the bad decisions.

Yes, you do have a former crackhead as a friend The people here have given so much to me, I simply want to give back, and I do understand that for those loved ones that don't understand addiction, it often helps to hear what goes on in the mind of an addict.

I won't kid you, it's not going to be easy to just say "hmmm" at first, but the more you do it? The better it feels. You may also get the "you don't love me" line, but that's just further manipulation..he knows he is loved, do not doubt that. Another great line that I learned from (((CatsPajamas))) is something like "you're a smart boy, I'm sure you can figure this out".

FWIW, I was raised that I never leave the house, hang up the phone, without saying "love you", even if we're arguing. It's deeply ingrained in me, and I am comforted that the last conversation I had with my mom, before she died, we both ended with "love you".

It takes time, he will resent the changes in you, continue the manipulation, but the more you are consistent, I think he'll get it. He's got plenty of time to figure it all out.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-21-2011, 09:13 PM   #70 (permalink)
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Hello Impurrfect,

It has been almost 10 days of total calamity. Let's see...

New washer I didn't expect to purchase. (kaching)
New washer overflowed, as drain in wall to septic was plugged with something... (kaching)
My email was hacked, and no one told me. (I guess I was sending ads for Viagra, sex toys, etc. Century Link/Qwest reset all passwords. ahhhh Grrrrr...)
HATE new washer. It's a high efficiency which means it cleans dirty clothes with 2 drops of water. (Thanks to our government).
Have to get a new wood stove. (kaching kaching kaching)

So, I am SMOKING alot of CIGARETTES. I do feel it would be great to be put into a coma, to forget all that is and has happening.

I'd be a terrible alcoholic or drug addict. I'd be using all these things for an excuse. I drink decaffeinated coffe, by the pot with creamer.

My other vice (only when I go to town) is decaf coke/pepsi. Oh yeah, and diet too cause I need to lose about 25 pounds. (not complaining)

After the flood from the laundry last week, I had 2 giant dehumidifiers, and I believe 7 commercial/drying fans going, and could not sleep for about 4 days. Now I can't seem to get a good night's sleep though they are gone.

Oh yeah....My kitchen island top cracked from using a crock pot for 7 hours and apparently that can be fixed for (kaching)...what d'ya' know!

So, I am hoping I might remember to purchase a lottery ticket. LAUGHING! I don't even buy those.

Importantly, I so appreciated seeing your message to me. I am so in awe of you, and what you have been through. You know what? WE ALL make MISTAKES. Some don't lead to addictions or crimes, etc., so you've had to deal with something many of us can only imagine.

Please remember, you are not bad or unworthy of anything. You are amazing, considering what you've been through.

I love that you were raised to say "I love you" at the end of your conversations. Someday, remind me of a story about this.

I will talk/write soon, when I am not such a mess...which I am right now from stress.

I am not a Bible thumper, but I would like to know if you are a believer in Christ. If so, I just finished Matthew, and reading Mark each night. I read the Bible years ago, but found the words are sinking in, and in a good way. Let me know if you're interested. Don't worry, I am not talking about Bible study here!

Deb
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Old 09-21-2011, 09:16 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Pandy Poo,

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Please read what I wrote to Impurrfect (who is perfectly imperfect and a dear person just like the rest of us )

I would sure like to email you. I think we know what it is like to be the parent of a child (adult or not) who is an addict.

I too have been so hopeful, only to be have my heart stomped by deceit. Please, let's keep in touch and thank you again.

Deb
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Old 09-21-2011, 09:25 PM   #72 (permalink)
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(((MT))) - my faith in God never waivered, I just didn't learn the lessons I was supposed to be learning fast enough.

Sounds like a horrid week!! I've seen commercials about something you have to put in every few loads of laundry because the new washers get an odor? That's improvement?!?!

Hope you get some sleep. I've been studying all week, all day, and am going to call it a night, soon. My stepmom came home from the dr., went straight to bed, got up and took her medicine, again, and had that glazed look. I went off on her (big codie slip) and need to remember that she, too, has issues and has no desire to do anything but numb out. Dysfunction junction at it's "best"...sigh.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-22-2011, 07:23 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Hi A...

I was so tired, left my computer outside on patio (where I smoke...ahhh...). So, I'm on the page. Hair drying in towell. What a hag! Good thing we live in the country.

The new FRONT LOAD washers, are GUARANTEED TO MOLD. The Whirlpool guy told me it only takes weeks, and the mold (black mold typically) is deadly especially for children, but also DOES affect adults.

He showed me the rubber seal (about 4" wide all around opening). You can gently pull these back, and should to find socks, underwear, etc. and MOLD.

When they deliver these new govt. approved washers, you get "samples" of this stuff called Afresh or something that you are suppose to use at least once a month. They are expensive. Bought a package of 3 yesterday at WalMart $6.99. So, he said use one every 2 weeks to try to keep the mold from growing (which he said is basically impossible.). The new top load washers also use almost no water. GROSS

Your stepmom. OMG... I don't know why, but I have always freaked on people taking pain medication. I always knew the stuff was addictive, even when my husband had appendecitis. I told him 2 or 3 days, and then aspirin/tylenol/ibuprophen. I KNOW why you freaked. It does mess people up, and you saw it in your step mom. I defer (and always have) even from the endodontist, pain medicine. Ibuprophen works great. If I was dying and in pain, yeah...I'd consider the stuff. I instinctively have always known this stuff was bad (weird eh'?), and you know, that's why you freaked.

Some people like the way it makes them feel. I am sorry you learned the hard way, that there's a very bad evil side to these medications. You freaked because you care about your step mom.

Getting the youngest to school (and hair dried). THANKS so much. Deb
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