saying this aloud here to get it off my chest
 

I don't want to let this bother any more of my day today and I find that typing things out really helps me let go of stuff sometimes so here it is...

On 9/11/01 I was working in a high rise building in Boston. After the first plane hit the twin towers my building was evacuated. My colleagues and I milled around, learned of the second plane hitting and I walked home stunned, sad etc.. like the rest of the country.

I called my then BF, now AH and left a message. He was living out of state at the time.

I didn't hear from him for the next week.

It bothered me greatly that he didn't call me back that day, didn't care to offer comfort, didn't want to connect with me etc...

I pushed it out of my mind at the time, never told him it bothered me and frankly, pretended it didn't bother me even though it did.

Today, 10 yrs later I am feeling very very sad about all of this. I am sad that I didn't see what a clear sign that was that I wasn't then nor would I ever be a priority/concern to him, he wasn't going to have compassion for or love me the way I hoped he would, I denied that that hurtful act (who doesn't call their loved one for a WEEK especially during such a tragic time in this country?) and the many that followed were about HIM having issues rather than the hurtful acts being a sign that I was not worthy of love...

I am sad that I wasted so many years hoping, pleading, crying and wanting him to be someone he never was and spent those years beating MYSELF up, convincing myself that I was the cause of his actions that hurt me.

I have been angry at my AH for a long time but now I am mostly filled with sadness about the time I lost and how much of myself I willingly sacrificed because I was unwilling to accept AH for who he was.

I realize it is probably selfish to be thinking of my small issues that I felt on 9/11/01 but I am struck today with the realizations that that day stands out in my mind as a glaring example of my denial about AH and it just has kind of hit me hard. I spent that day wanting AH (bf at the time) to want to comfort me and wanting him to care-- or at least return my call (we'd been together for 3 yrs) and I wonder how different the past 10 yrs would have been if I'd said on 9/12 "enough already" and not cared if he'd called back and had decided to be done with him then...

I know regret is a waste of energy and that's why I am writing this-- I have written it out and I feell like it's helped me let go of it a lot...

Thanks...

:grouphug:

I've been doing the same this, this sort of forensic processing of the last 20 years of my life. Looking back, there were some red flags I can't believe I ignored! I discussed this in therapy, and my counselor asked me to sit down and write about WHY I think I ignored the red flags way back when. I've been pondering that a lot. I think I was just so eager to 'settle down' and do the wife/family thing that I latched on to my AH and convinced myself that those red flags were not such a big deal.

9/11 is a milestone for me too. My AH was laid off from his big sales job just a few weeks prior. With 9/11 nobody was traveling or hiring. We lived off savings for 9 months and were broke and in debt by the end. My husband just sat around smoking pot and drinking. We had a newborn. It was the first time I thought that I might have married the wrong guy.

((((hug)))) glad you came here to type it all out. We all had those red flags, but for whatever reason just didn't want to accept them at that time. I think back and ask myself why I didn't want better for me. There were a mixture of reasons, I loved him, I didn't love me enough, no one is perfect, my self esteem was not high enough, the examples my parents set were worse (my dad is also an A), I thought maybe my expectations were too high, etc. Not sure how things were for you, but over time things so very slowly got worse, and we added kids, and more kids and the good times together got less and less. Finally I reached the point of being miserable and my life felt unmanageable. Suddenly all those red flags of the past seemed like glowing neon signs, and I became angry at myself for letting it all unfold the way it did.

Courage to change... you and I both finally got it. I am trying to forgive myself, my RAH and let go of those resentments that pushed me over the edge and gave me the courage I needed. Now I ask myself what am I going to do with the rest of my life? There is plenty of living still left to do and what I know is my life will not look like the last 20 years.

That day was an extremely emotional day for this entire country, and add to that an emotionally unavailable partner in your life, it's no wonder you feel all this sadness, dear!

You will walk through this sadness and come out on the other side, I promise! Just be gentle with yourself and feel the feelings.

Sending you hugs of support from Kansas. :hug:

This is an example of what I had also hoped for and don't get...emotional availability. Not all the time, not even some of the time, I would have settled for a little bit of the time! I know men aren't on the same proverbial wavelengths as women (no bash guys) and I know to get the majority of my emotional needs met by other women, but something as simple as a comforting phone call? Could of taken a few minutes of his time and lasted a lifetime.

It's the little gestures like this that I thought I was getting, too. The little moments of interest and caring. And I, too, walked into this marriage blatantly ignoring some glaring red flags because I felt it was too late to turn back now.

But I also believe I have this day and all the rest of my days ahead of me to make my life what I want it to be from now on...its not too late anymore...and I will never again believe it is "too late" for anything.

Hoping you have a good day today regardless of the memories.
~T

When I have these moments of clarity and are beating myself up about the past, I think of this saying,

"When you know better, you do better".

You know better now and you are clearly DOING SO MUCH BETTER!! Your latest post are very inspiring. You are changing and growing sweetie and it shows. You are the one putting an end to such a dysfunctional relationship. It appears that your A is still doing the same things and is comfortable in a dysfunctional realationship. He, on the other hand, is not growing or changing. You have finally realized this and taking ACTION.

GO GIRL!!!!

:c011::c011::c011: