veryregretful

I would like to thank everyone here for your posts that helped me do what I had to do yesterday.

My STBXAH and verbally abusave husband is out of the house as of 10:30 yesterday morning. I do wish I did sooner but we will all heal now.

My STBXAH was out Fri night. I went out with my friend to the mall. I got home. My son was in his room watching tv and my daughter was almost asleep watching tv in her room. My STBXAH was in basement of course. I was shocked he was home so early when I turned the corner and saw his truck. I had some sort of feeling something was weird. It's hard to explain. I asked kids if all was ok and they said yes. Usually when I get home my STBXAH will come upstairs then take a shower then go in kitchen to, I'm going to say stalk me for.a better choice of words. Well this night he didn't. Didn't hear a sound from basement.

So eventually I went to lie down. Still couldn't shake that feeling. Couldn't sleep. Got up at 2am and walked the dog.for an hour. Beautiful night with the moon and clouds. Still wasn't feeling right. Got home. Layed (sp) down. Couldn't sleep. Heard him leave at 6:30am. I went downstairs and then my dd texted me to call her in from work. She didn't sleep at all and wasnt in the mood. I called her out and told her to rest. She texted me a few minutes .later and said her dad was his verbal self the mint before. She texted me what he said and I started crying. He told her he wanted to punch her face, slam her into the wall, calling her names then saying it was because he loved her. He also told her my fault we are .in financial mess and if it wasn't for him we would be homeless. I think everyone gets the gist of what he said.

I called my domestic violence unit police officer friend about what she texted me and he said absolutely it is a reason to go get the RO. I'm shaking. I'm finally going to do it. My Stbxah came home went down basement. I took my keys and went to pd. I explained.what happened the night before and the interviewing officer said it was enough to call judge and get his ok to get RO.

He was still at home and kids were home. I could not be there. Two cruisers came to my house and one officer.went to get my dd statement then explained to both kids what was happening. The other officer went in basement to give stbxah 10 minutes to grab whatever he needed. I finally was able to go home. My plan was to not have kids there when he was served but I could not prevent today. I guess he was yelling my dd said but couldn't make out was he was saying.

I finally came home and started crying because I felt so bad to let it go this long. My dd was good. I could see.a weight was lifted off her shoulders. My son was very angry with me. I took out my papers I got from HAWC and read about physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. And explained what each meant.

Physical abuse. Hardly none hitting. Most were driving recklessally. Getting in your face. Breaking things. Punching walls, etc

Verbal abuse. All of it. From name calling to threats, etc

Emotional abuse. Accusing of cheating. Telling kids I was going to jail, etc

Most all applies

I said he was always a verbal abusive person and add alcohol and it was even worse. I tried not to go into.detail about actual things he did to me but mentioned that.I wasn't the only one being abused they were. I had explained a couple situations and think my son understood a .little more about why I did the RO.

I called HAWC hotline and talked with .Wonderful women and asked what do I say to him about the divorce. This was on Friday afternoon before everything happened. So even though I'm talking with him after the fact she.helped me. I said you can be angry at me but I needed to do this for the safety you two and myself. It's.okay. I think he.is getting it a little.

My dd and I had a good.day today. Took walk with dogs. I took her to get some clothes. Went to dinner. Then visited with my SIS one on one time.

Will do same with my son while my dd works.

They need .me there for them! Not trying to fix my ah. I honestly do not know why I didn't do it earlier. Fear? Thinking I couldn't be a single mom even though I have been doing it for years? Thinking how he could make my life more miserable?

It was a big step, a huge step in the right in the right direction. I think my kids will be .okay with some work. They have me back fill time now! They will havey attention and can start building a better relationship as a family. Talking, hanging out together.

Even though my Stbxah was ordered to leave my dd and I spent all day together. And had a blast. She is usually up in her room away from all things going on.

Tomorrow I hope my son and I will have the same experience today!

The RO states he cannot contact me .or kids. I'm hoping the judge on Monday will keep the RO the way it is until he gets help for the abuse and alcoholism. Eventually if/when he does make progress maybe can start having a little contact. Supervised of course.

I am very proud of myself and I found the strength I didn't think I had in me to do it. I hate to say it but am not at all wishing I didn't do it. I actually laughed today a lot. I actually think I may be happy.

My sister is coming with me to court on Monday. A HAWC worker will be with me and hopefully my lawyer or her assistant.

He may also be arrested for domestic threats because my dd told officer exactly what happened. I have 1000 texts I saved from him to show judge. Voice mails.

Now its time for healing and being happy and doing what we want with no questions asked by him.

Sorry so long but I think I needed to write it all out. I'm hoping someone who may be in the same situation as me will maybe read what I wrote and say. I can do it. This needs to end now.

My divorce petition was submitted to courthouse last Wednesday. There is no turning back now.

Because I have let him come back so many times he thought I wouldn't have the gumption to do anything so severe.

If anyone can answer this one question since I can't get in touch with bankruptcy lawyer till monday I would appreciate greatly. Since I have a RO against him would he still ne able to come to the trustee meeting with me on the 22nd? I really don't want him there for obvious reasons but because petition for bankruptcy was already filed can of be changed to seperate dates? Maybe someone has been through this.

That you so much again!

I finally feel at peace with my decision and looking forward to getting my back to normal and pack his crap and give it to him all at once I do not want to look at it. And I get to clean the crap he has accumalated throuhtout the years.
P
I have to stop now. But I just to tell the world it can be done. Reach down inside you amd find the strenght to take charge of you and your children's destiny. Not easy but can be down.

Thank you for reading and so sorry so long.

thanks

veryregretful

I didn't realize.it was.so long. Very sorry but I think I wanted to share my new strength I found.

Kimmieh

Yay, congratulations! :ghug3

wanttobehealthy

Congratulations for finding the strength to do what you did. Your children will be so much better for it. Sending hugs your way.

MTSlideAddict

I am glad you found the strength. Go you! Now you all can begin to heal. I know it had to have been difficult, but now you all can look forward. One step at a time.

CagedBird

Congratulations! A new happy future is on its way.

Freedom1990

I can feel the relief in your post, dear!

I know what it's like to live with a flat out bully, and I am so glad you utilized domestic violence resources and got the extra help. I didn't know of any such resources when I was being abused.

I'm excited for you and the kids for this new chapter of your life!

catlovermi

Don't worry about a post being long; it helps to write and process through big changes.

It sounds like better days are ahead. Happy re-birthday. 7

CLMI

veryregretful

Good morning

Today is another day and still feel good. Very overwhelmed with what to do. First i need to clean at least my first floor. It looks like a tornado hit it. Lol.

Then after to start packing his crap. And making area in back basememt for it all. The trash guys I really going to hate me. Lol.

I'm not going to throw anything away of his that is important. But just the stupid stuff he accumalaTed over the years. Lots of it.


I just don't know where to begin.

I guess no long post. I seem to be out of word. Lol.

My son is doing a little better than yesterday so im happy with that.

SoaringSpirits

Way to go, veryregretful!
You are a brave lady and a good mom.

Enjoy the cleaning/packing up part.
I found it SO satisfying to clean out all that negative energy.

gratefulinga

Congratulations, veryregretful. I know this was very difficult work and I commend you for so courageously taking it on.

It seems like that screen name "veryregretful" doesn't really suit you anymore. I think instead you are verycourageous!

hello-kitty

Your post brought tears to my eyes. You are very courageous and your son will appreciate that, maybe not today, but soon. Sure he's angry right now. He's been through a lot. And you are the only parent around that he can express that too.

I know it's hard. But that's ok mom. You are strong. You are setting a powerful example for your kids. Both of them.

*sending cyber support and strength your way*

akrasia

Great job! Well done. Hope you're getting support for yourself as well.

RE: bankruptcy. Yes, if there's a RO, he can't be attending meetings with you. Don't worry: just tell the bankruptcy atty that you're divorcing and need to take things forward separately from now on. They'll know how to handle it. It's not the first time it's happened!

RE: his stuff. Can I strongly recommend that you put his stuff somewhere that's *not* your house. I.e., a relative's house or garage. Or you could put it in storage, pay for the first month or so, and let the divorce atty know where it is.

I just say that because if the RO lapses he would be legally able to visit to obtain his goods--and you know he'll take the opportunity to be weird and manipulative about it. Or he'll just say that he'll come get the stuff, and he won't, and yet again you'll be jerked around. Get that crap out of there!

suki44883

Good idea about his stuff. It has been suggested here many times that his stuff be put into a storage unit with the first month paid, and the key sent either to him or, in this case, since an RO is in effect, his attorney. After that, it's his responsibility, not yours.

Carol Star

Alot can be done between lawyers and you may not need to be face to face. Congrats on your freedom and start to serenity.....I got alot out of the Toby Rice books and Bancroft Lundy book. You are off the roller coaster. Just breathe......

veryregretful

Thank you for the suggestions. For now I am going to just pack up his clothes and tools and whatever else i see that he will need and want. All else will send to someones house that he knows.

Nervous about tomorrow. Going to court. I don't want to see him. Maybe he wont show up.

My sister will come hopefully in time.

Have a good night all.

Serenity8

Congratulations to you. You're on the road to your own recovery. I hope you take some time to attend al-anon meetings and read their literature; it literally saved my sanity during my divorce!

StarCat

Hooray for you! It must be a giant weight off your shoulders.

Enjoy the packing. I found it to be very therapeutic, to pack up XABF's things and make plans for when they'd be removed from the house.

In my case, I hired a moving van to ship them to his mother's. I sent a short email telling him the day and time it would arrive. He tried to upset me by emailing back saying to just throw out anything that I didn't want, but with advise from people here I told him that it would be donated to charity if he didn't take it, but it was stopping at his house first.
I paid the mover once everything was loaded onto the truck, and signed two delivery receipts, one for each potential destination, and leaving XABF's address as the recipient of the tax receipt for the donation (since it's his stuff, he deserved to be able to take it off his taxes). The mover did call me back to say that his mother accepted everything - I didn't ask him to, but it did make me feel better.

I did consider the storage unit, as well. For me, that would depend upon whether or not there was any form of contract, as I wouldn't want to be responsible for his stuff or additional bills should he decide not to pick it up. (He also had bad lungs, and loading things into his SUV would have been very unhealthy for him, so in my case I felt that a small moving van with a single mover would be more appropriate.)