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Old 09-12-2011, 12:30 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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(((Tuffgirl)))

Hang in there! Stop by for hugs anytime.....

HG
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:49 PM
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What is everyone's 'tipping point'?
For me, it was a process. One day the clouds parted and I knew in my gut it wasn't going to work. The day I moved into action was when I just couldn't take it one minute longer.
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
It is causing me stress but the upside of that is that I have the recovery tools to cope - tools I didn't have before but am grateful to the EX for because being in a relationship with him led me to AL-Anon and to SR.
Link, I love this line. When I look for the lessons in this painful mess, I keep coming back to this one. I have tools now that I didn't have before. And that makes me a stronger, more balanced person.

And. because several of us have grown quite fond of this, I have been watching Madea's Let Folks Go video each morning since I got the email Saturday. It helps remind me to not get into the funk, nor believe the crap he said about me that morning, which was downright ugly. I married someone who was supposed to be in my life for only a season and I spent a lot of time trying to force him to be a root.

Madea - let folks go - YouTube
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:06 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Well Tuffgirl

All I can say is "WOW"....

Realizing that we are more in love with our dreams
rather than being in love with the person is huge.

I still have my days too.
Hang on, anger is around the next corner...

Ready to rock those "Cheetah" pants yet?

My arms are wide open, sending you girlfriend hugs!!!
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
.......relieved that I can look back on the last 4 years and know I did the best I could. Oh sure, I wasn't perfect. But I did everything with the best of intentions and with as much grace as I could. I loved, regardless of the outcome. I took a leap of faith and that makes me a courageous person.
~T
TuffGurl: Thank you for this. This hits home with me more than I can say.

As for Madea-have the YouTube video and have watched it so many times. It's a classic and a source of comfort and inspiration to me......

to you, TG.

BTW, I have an interview on Wednesday for an office job-one of my resumes obviously made an impression.......time wil ltell what happens, but it is a start. I guess I have to have more faith that things will happen when they're supposed to.
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:28 PM
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It's nice to know what direction to travel, isn't it?
I'm sorry it didn't work out, and also happy that you now know where you are going, and no longer have reason to hold onto the "could have beens."

We're here for you!


...also, as a mildly humorous OT comment, this thread title has a different connotation when read after DeVon/Freedom1990's thread...
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
...also, as a mildly humorous OT comment, this thread title has a different connotation when read after DeVon/Freedom1990's thread...
:rotfxko

OMG! Thanks for that! That is HILARIOUS!
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:58 PM
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I came across this today while filing some docs...I hadn't read it since June and had completely forgotten about it. This is a letter to future me, from past me:

Dear Future You,
This letter is to serve as a reminder of what will happen from this point forward.

1. You will NOT call him anymore. If he wants to spend time with you and you feel like it, he can call you and you can say yes. In the meantime, sit on your fingers and go live your own life. Do not feel guilty for going no contact, if you so choose. That is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.

2. Do NOT need him. For anything. Everything is done. There is no future need from him for anything. Call your brother if you have computer issues. Call Dad if you need a handyman.

3. You will not confront him on your hurt feelings or your expectations. It is pointless and just serves to make him angry, giving him the very ammunition he needs to blame you for being conflictual.

4. You will not “guide” or “teach” him how to be a grown up. That is his lesson to learn. He can learn it on his own time.

5. You will accept the fact that he is ANGRY. REPEAT: ANGRY! Leave him alone with his anger. It is not yours – you do not own it – you cannot fix it.

6. You can disapprove of someone’s behavior without disapproving them of a person. There is a difference. Remember this.

7. You will NEVER again beg for some man’s crumbs of affection and interest. NEVER. REPEAT: NEVER! You will never stoop so low as to humiliate yourself in that fashion. You can do so much better than that.

8. You will honor your commitment and see this through to January 4, 2012. On that day, you are free to pursue an annulment. Hang in there – it will be worth it to say that you did - one year is nothing in comparison to the rest of your life and your self worth.

9. You will faithfully work your program. It is important to fix what is broken IN YOU now, so you don’t go make the same mistake again. Learn these lessons. You are here for a reason and this is it.

10. Read 1-9 repeatedly, especially when tempted to try to love the snake. Snakes bite. Remember this.

Love,
Me on this date May 14, 2011

Good advice from past me. I need to print this out and carry it around with me to read daily, along with Madea's advice.
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:27 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry you are going to join the divorce club.
Its no fun and its okay, too.
Hang in there.

Hugs, p
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Old 09-13-2011, 09:29 AM
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WOW, Tuffgirl. That letter to yourself.... is exactly where I am at today - every single point of it. I would like to use that for myself if you don't mind sharing.

I NEED to separate myself from my AH, his behavior, his anger... that letter is perfect.
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:20 PM
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Intersting that you mention tipping point as I reached mine recently. It has been a long time coming. My AH and I have just celebrated our 4th anniversary and then the following weekend a few days later is when the most recent downward spiral happened.

Several things led up to my tipping point but I think one thing stands out at this very moment. He was ranting about how he never loved me and he wants a divorce and he sold his ring and on and on but I was not giving in I spoke in a normal tone and shook my head. Then he saw something about NYC on TV and he went from asking for a divorce to he needs to spend more time with our family and he doesn't want a divoce. I just had to leave at that point because I thought the whole things was pathetic.

I sadly don't think we can save our marriage at this point. I love love love what you said about it not being for nothing though. I think that is why I am having a hard time deciding what I really want. He really is such a good guy and he and I were so in love once upon a time. It is just so sad this process. Once thing I do know for sure though. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't do it to me, I can't do it to my girls.
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
WOW, Tuffgirl. That letter to yourself.... is exactly where I am at today - every single point of it. I would like to use that for myself if you don't mind sharing.

I NEED to separate myself from my AH, his behavior, his anger... that letter is perfect.
If it works for you - use it to your hearts desire! I had forgotten about it myself...memory still not quite up to par these days...but when I found it yesterday I realized I knew then what I just had 4 months to relearn. My husband is not ready for this marriage. He wasn't when he proposed. He wasn't when we married. He isn't now. 'Why' doesn't matter - be it alcoholism or sheer immaturity. It just is what it is.

And it isn't working for me either. I am not getting my needs met. I can't justify even being married because there never was a benefit and it will only hurt me when my kid gets ready to apply for colleges and student loans/grants.

We weren't 'working' on anything because anytime I'd scratch the surface he would explode or withdraw. He has a long way to go in his recovery. And I get the impression it is wearing thin anyway.

When I first joined SR, I read the stories on the alcoholism website. One in particular really sounded familiar...so much so that I copied it and filed it somewhere (which I am sure I'll find again soon). The man writing his story described hitting Year 1 of sobriety and feeling sorely let down. Nothing much had changed for him, except that he had quit drinking. Still having marital problems, still unable to really bond with his kids, still having issues at work...why the heck did he even bother quitting drinking? He was bored and tired of "working it", and the day after his 1 year anniversary, he went to buy a bottle. Somehow, he found his way to a meeting instead, and was able to refrain from the urge to start drinking again and recommitted himself to AA. By Year 2, he was getting it and things were falling into place. Why? Because it took him that long to realize the real culprit in his sucky life was him and him alone. And for anything to change, that had to change first.

I am going to be one of those people who get it now. Because I have no desire to live a sucky life.

I wish the best for my husband. And that's the end of that!
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:46 PM
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Wow, Tuffgirl, what you just wrote was almost verbatim the conversation I *just* had with my sponsor. We talked about the difference between stopping drinking and stopping drinking/working recovery... and that even *if* AH decides to stop drinking/work recovery... it will be a LONG time (possibly up to 5 years - if he makes it) before we could get to a place of working on our marriage.

I think she told me that to remind me that I'm on the right track... that nothing changes, if I don't start changing. If I don't stop accepting the unacceptable... I'll keep getting the unacceptable.

I need to stand up for me because I sure as hell don't see AH standing up for me.
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:01 PM
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Just the other day I was finding myself not liking my particular circumstances. And I had to remind myself, *again*, that life ends up giving me pretty much exactly what I'm willing to settle for.........

L
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Just the other day I was finding myself not liking my particular circumstances. And I had to remind myself, *again*, that life ends up giving me pretty much exactly what I'm willing to settle for.........

L
Amen, sister!

Thanks - a great reminder to all of us that we really do have the power to change ourselves and our circumstances. Life is waiting...

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Old 09-13-2011, 08:23 PM
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PS... I was out of town last week enjoying a Taylor Swift concert in Seattle with my 14th year old.

I hadn't heard her new album so I was completely unprepared (aside from the radio hits). This one struck home and I have been singing it since (tongue and cheek, with a big smile on my face).

Enjoy! Taylor Swift - Mean - YouTube

PPS she is even cuter in real life!
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