JustAverage

I don't like to drink. I never have. It's just not my thing. So why have all my closest friends all had drinking problems? Is this just a coincidence or might there be something about me that seeks out addicts or they seek me out?

dollydo

Were you raised in a codependent, toxic or addictive home? If so, that is what you will gravitate to. That is your known comfort zone....until...you find recovery for yourself.

MTSlideAddict

Research codependency, because as dollydo mentioned, it may be your subconscious' comfort zone to become close to those that lean on those who are codependent. “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” by Melody Beattie is a good book to pick up to learn about codependency.

JustAverage

Very interesting feedback. Thank you. I grew up in a household where my sister smoked pot in the room next to me when I was a kid. I never knew what that smell was. When I learned what it was, I started smoking it too. My sister did go on to be a heroin addict. The household went through hell!! What screaming! What anger!

As for codependency, isn't that when a person seeks out people to rescue? I don't see myself as a rescuer all the time. I know better than to try to help someone with their addiction. I don't need the abuse. I have tried to help a little. But it's gone nowhere. Is there more to codependency than I realize? I might be missing something.

I suppose I am subconsciously gravitating to people who have addiction issues.

Oh yeah, the house was very toxic. Very negative comments all the time. A lot of anger and name calling. My parents could never have a reasonable intelligent conversation. All they did was argue about everything. I think they actually enjoyed it.

dollydo

We live what we learn, we are products of our enviorment.

I am codependent, I never sought a person to rescue, however, once involved with a needy person, I put on my white hat, hopped on my white horse, and rode off to save them. That was my calling in life, not anymore, bad, bad choice, for me, for my well-being.

Have you read Codependent No More? Might be worth a read. Also read some of Cynical Ones posts, they are real eye openers, may help you to understand "our" disease of codependency.

JustAverage

I will have to read the book Codependent No More and check out Cynical Ones posts.
Oh, I used to try to rescue so many people when I was younger. Than I realized I might be the one who needed rescuing. I happen to be a very needy person myself. I hate that about me.

dollydo

Addicts/Alcoholics have an inate ability to read and gravitate to others who are needy, vulnerable, lonely or bored.

LifeRecovery

I agree with Dolly, but wanted to add that I in the midst of my raging codependency (even with some work on myself under me) was on the lookout for familiar things which meant rage, addiction, etc in many of my relationships.

Looking at the relationships and growing from them though has been one of the best experiences in my life.

JustAverage

Very interesting. So are you saying the alcoholic or addict gravitate towards me because subconsciously they see me as being needy? So they would be the codependent one seeking to rescue me.

I find it fascinating that I always had problems at work all my life. I would be abused by men where I worked. My father would verbally and emotionally abuse me at times. I really think somehow I attracted this behavior from others because that's what I expected.

NotSoSmart

I am coming to realize that I am an "A magnet". I thought I was pretty together but the reason I am a magnet is b/c I will put up with behaviors early in a relationship, ignore the red flags that would've sent another person running.

I think A's learn who will enable their addiction vs who won't tolerate the behaviors. Obviously they seek the ones who make it easy, don't put up a fuss, don't ask too many questions, believe the excuses and ignore the signs of trouble ahead. I don't see it as a conscious thing but rather a path of least resistance. Don't we all want to take the easier road?

I'm learning that the reason I am this way is due to being raised in an unhealthy environment - unacceptable behavior was the norm, so it doesn't really raise an alarm like it should.

But I also know this pattern doesn't have to be written in stone. With a lot of work and determination to learn what others who weren't raised in chaos do naturally, the pattern can be changed.

JustAverage

It's good to know the pattern can be changed. I want to change it. I think I started too. The last time I was with my friend she wanted to have a beer in the morning at a restaurant. I refused. We bickered over it.. I insisted to the waiter that he not bring it. I tried getting her help by calling her family.

You know, the more I look back over my life, the more I realize I was always kind of intimidated by strong healthy people! I felt inferior to them. I was attracted to people with obvious flaws, whatever they may be. Wow I am learning a lot by this thread!

JustAverage

My eyes feel like they are really being opened. When I think of my siblings, parents relationship and up bring, I see a very toxic non-healthy thing. Sure, there were moments that were good. But all in all, my parents did a great job of giving off the image of things being right. They kept the house clean, the lawn beautiful and the clothes pressed and ironed. But the relationships were toxic. And what do we all have for it now? Children who hate each other, don't trust each other and no longer talk. I'm not trying to blame my parents. I'm just talking about the atmosphere. My heroin addict sister to this day blames her problems on everyone else. I remember her doing it as a kid and she still does it. Nothing is ever her fault. Wow, now I think I am starting to see the type of people I attract. The type of people I attract are the people I am comfortable to be around!

LifeRecovery

That was my experience.

Just so you know though. The healthier I have become the healthier people I find to be in relationship with.

I am not grateful for the lessons, but I am grateful for the learning that has come out of them. I am also grateful that I was open enough (or in enough pain) to get the help and support that was needed.

That is the reason that my "name" is LifeRecovery, because that is what I feel like I am doing in my life, recovering from earlier times.

dbh

Sometimes I look at the difficult people in my life as an opportunity to grow. I spent nearly a decade going from one emotionally unavailable boy/man to the next. Basically I kept dating my father over and over again. Each time I was determined to change this person and make them love me and treat me well.

Guess I was "attracting" them in a way. I think of it now as there was a huge lesson that I needed to learn and the universe kept sending these people my way until I learned it.

I was just a very slow learner :-)

Thank you for letting me share.

Hugs,

db

newone87

my boyfriend is showing signs of early addiction and I feel like I did attract it to myself. I am there for him through most anything. This however ( he doesnt completely understand yet ) is going to be a deal breaker for me. I remember after a long debate on drinking socially/ problem drinking I was so frazzled I cleaned the entire house until it looked like something out of a magazine. He said " you are so wonderful " my thought.....you need to be just as wonderful to me.....

i never expect anything in return from people, i'm starting to come around to that.

halvsie

I read a really good article about this attraction thing. For the life of me, I cannot remember where I read it or the title. It was about not being able to find healthy people to date and are some people just sh** magnets.

The article said no one is a magnet for dysfunctional people. It went on to explain that our families of origin train us to be open to certain cues and closed to others. What a relief!

In my interpretation, this means exactly what another poster on this thread says: looking for rage, addiction, etc but on a subconscious level because that is what is known. If a nice person senses some trepidation from us because our subconscious senses the "boundaries," then that normal, nice person backs off and gives us space. Which is not what we're used to and we probably interpret these nice, "normal" people as aloof, stuck up, too good for us, etc. Nice article. We don't do this purposely.

Mightyqueen801

I do somehow attract alcoholics. I looked back at one point a few years ago and realized that even going back to my younger days, no man who was NOT an alcoholic had ever been interested in me. Not one. I have never been asked out or hit upon by anyone who was not an alcoholic.

This was a pretty jarring realization, and it came around the time I was hitting fifty and still hoping against hope that I could experience a loving relationship before I die. Realizing that, if not for alcoholics, no one would have ever dated me in the first place felt like a punch in the stomach at first, but in the long run it did help me accept a little better that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I still have my moments (now at 53) when I wonder why I was denied what so many others seem to have gotten so easily. I don't understand what it is about me that's so rejectable--and I've had years of therapy, have been down the "I am a codependent" road, etc., but this is something beyond my control. It's not that I rejected anyone decent in lieu of the bad apple, as is often the case--there has been no one to reject.

I do also attract alcoholics friends, probably because they were often fun at first. A few years ago I had to get rid of someone who was once one of my closest friends on the planet because she relapsed after 7 years of sobriety and would not/could not recover again, but I do have non-alcoholic friends. Just not romantic relationships. It is simply something not available to me.

So, the codependency issues should be explored, but there is also possibly an unknown element involved. I will likely always wonder what that was.

Mightyqueen801

By the way, you can learn codependency from a home other than one with drug and/or alcohol abuse. Neither of my parents drank. In my early days with my therapist after I threw out my alcoholic husband, he would ask from time to time, "Are you SURE your parents weren't drinkers?" as if I was in some form of denial.

But, there was still codependency. My father was 100% disabled from WWII and also had some issues that I know now was PTSD, but no one talked about things like that back then. He was, overall, a pretty cheerful and easy-going guy despite his disability. My mother, however, was the long-suffering martyr wife, religious, who believed and taught us that you just give up yourself and sacrifice everything for the others in your life. That was the right way to live. There was a reason she married a disabled man. So did I, only mine's "disability" was his alcoholism. But I believed it was my job, my destiny, to help him and fix him....

sayit

Oh dear. here the reason I stayed in strange homes, cultic churches and groupings . and every evil place with damaged and sick people.

sayit

legacies of the disabled. things we have passed through.