So lonely......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
So lonely......
Its been 6 weeks since the termination of my relationship with my EX husband (alcoholic). Im so lonely. He was my right arm, best friend,,,,until,,,he wasn't anymore.
His behavior is as if he is drinking, after 4.5 yrs sober. I dont recognize him at all. We went from being best friends, confidants etc to nothing at all. I miss the man I knew, or perhaps thought I knew. Thats what stinks so much about this disease,,,do we ever really know them, apart from thier disease?
Woke up so sad and lonely,,,have bunch of al-anon friends, and earth-long pal, but noone who was like him. He was my DOC, just like alcohol to an alcoholic. Is it that warm fix I miss? The one thing who made me feel conncected and "Okay"? Is this what the craving to drink feels like to an A?
I miss the dinners we had, vacations we took, just talking about recovery and feelings. He was my right arm,,,,but now, I just have a bandage over that wounded arm, trying to heal, doing so very slowly.
Man, we spent 22 years together, since I was 17 yrs old. He was my everything, now he is my nothing.
I think Im slipping and need to call my sponsor. thanks for listening...
His behavior is as if he is drinking, after 4.5 yrs sober. I dont recognize him at all. We went from being best friends, confidants etc to nothing at all. I miss the man I knew, or perhaps thought I knew. Thats what stinks so much about this disease,,,do we ever really know them, apart from thier disease?
Woke up so sad and lonely,,,have bunch of al-anon friends, and earth-long pal, but noone who was like him. He was my DOC, just like alcohol to an alcoholic. Is it that warm fix I miss? The one thing who made me feel conncected and "Okay"? Is this what the craving to drink feels like to an A?
I miss the dinners we had, vacations we took, just talking about recovery and feelings. He was my right arm,,,,but now, I just have a bandage over that wounded arm, trying to heal, doing so very slowly.
Man, we spent 22 years together, since I was 17 yrs old. He was my everything, now he is my nothing.
I think Im slipping and need to call my sponsor. thanks for listening...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Christina
I am sorry for your pain, and wish I could fix it for you, but only you can do that and it takes time.
There is a post on the "FYI: Powerposts" called "To Everyone who is In-Between". Read it over and try to understand that in-between in how we get from where we were to where we are going. It's really not such a bad place, just a little unfamiliar.
Hugs
Ann
I am sorry for your pain, and wish I could fix it for you, but only you can do that and it takes time.
There is a post on the "FYI: Powerposts" called "To Everyone who is In-Between". Read it over and try to understand that in-between in how we get from where we were to where we are going. It's really not such a bad place, just a little unfamiliar.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Christina,
I understand where your at right now. Just like Ann said, its the in between and unfamiliar ground your walking right now that feels awkward. Your out of the comfort zone you have known for 22 years. It is going to take time to get used to that. If you take small enough steps you can and will get past this point...
Letting your feelings and thoughts out here is a huge help. Keep doing that...hang in there, you are not alone.
Hugs!
I understand where your at right now. Just like Ann said, its the in between and unfamiliar ground your walking right now that feels awkward. Your out of the comfort zone you have known for 22 years. It is going to take time to get used to that. If you take small enough steps you can and will get past this point...
Letting your feelings and thoughts out here is a huge help. Keep doing that...hang in there, you are not alone.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Christina
Dealing with the end of a long term relationship is like dealing with death. People go through many of the same stages when a relationship "dies" as they do when they lose a loved one...anger, denial, bargaining, etc. Let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship. It was important to you for many years. But promise yourself that after you grieve, you will go on.
This is a time that you should be around people if you can. Even if you do it in small doses.
Keeping a journal helps, if you are into writing. I also used to do a writing exercise where I had a conversation with my inner self, or my "wise woman" as I call her. I would let the emotional, hurting part of me have her say. Then the wise woman would respond.
As hard as it may seem today, you will get beyond this. My Alateen sponsor of many years ago used to say:
It says in the Bible "and it came to pass".
It never says "and it came to stay".
Peace,
Gabe
This is a time that you should be around people if you can. Even if you do it in small doses.
Keeping a journal helps, if you are into writing. I also used to do a writing exercise where I had a conversation with my inner self, or my "wise woman" as I call her. I would let the emotional, hurting part of me have her say. Then the wise woman would respond.
As hard as it may seem today, you will get beyond this. My Alateen sponsor of many years ago used to say:
It says in the Bible "and it came to pass".
It never says "and it came to stay".
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Thanks everyonemmfor your kinds words,,,I went to take my boy to karate tonight, and just sat in the car feeling so lonely,,and voila! My sponsor called to discuss our meeting at a mutual friends funeral (her Mom passed), so I felt like this was a way to be less lonely.
Ha! actually looking forward to going to a funeral home viewing, now thats sadddddddd .
Had to take my son cus he's all the time with me now, but he was a champ about it,,,we walk in, and there are a bunch of Al Anon friends there. My friend is a long time, big service worker in AlAnon,,and she reaped her benefits in all her friends that were there.
Wow, something just hit me as Im writing this......there was a guy there, my ALanon friend who is 25 and totally in recovery. My son (age 11) wanted to get a sponsor,,,how cool is that,,and so he told me he wanted to ask this guy. But he was terrified to ask I had mentioned to the guy a few weeks ago, and he readily agreed.
Tonight, he went to my son and offered to be his sponsor, wrote down his name and number for him, and wrote on the paper" Call Whenever!!".
My boy was so touched by it, he told me "J is such a cool guy, I hope god blesses him".
So, now it just hit me,,,the whole time we were there,,,i didnt feel lonely at all! I guess a funeral is where people gather to say goodbye, but in this case, my son made a new friendship and I was with friends who made me feel not so alone.
Wow......this is the miracle they talk about!
Hugs & Love XO
Ha! actually looking forward to going to a funeral home viewing, now thats sadddddddd .
Had to take my son cus he's all the time with me now, but he was a champ about it,,,we walk in, and there are a bunch of Al Anon friends there. My friend is a long time, big service worker in AlAnon,,and she reaped her benefits in all her friends that were there.
Wow, something just hit me as Im writing this......there was a guy there, my ALanon friend who is 25 and totally in recovery. My son (age 11) wanted to get a sponsor,,,how cool is that,,and so he told me he wanted to ask this guy. But he was terrified to ask I had mentioned to the guy a few weeks ago, and he readily agreed.
Tonight, he went to my son and offered to be his sponsor, wrote down his name and number for him, and wrote on the paper" Call Whenever!!".
My boy was so touched by it, he told me "J is such a cool guy, I hope god blesses him".
So, now it just hit me,,,the whole time we were there,,,i didnt feel lonely at all! I guess a funeral is where people gather to say goodbye, but in this case, my son made a new friendship and I was with friends who made me feel not so alone.
Wow......this is the miracle they talk about!
Hugs & Love XO
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I was married for 18 years, so I understand.
The pain is real. You'll survive. It hurts. Nothing will take that away for awhile. You'll do your best. It will still hurt. And somehow, with the program, with God, with time, it will start to ease.
I am happy again. I thought I might never really heal. I am grateful to say.......I was wrong.
Grief is a shitload of pain. There are no steps, no words to make that pain subside except......feel it, know it's normal, let yourself be as comforted as possible by others. They are no substitute, for sure. But.......you'll accept this loss one day, be grateful for people who showed you love and respect while you were in pain, and be able to give it to someone else whose going through it.
The pain is real. You'll survive. It hurts. Nothing will take that away for awhile. You'll do your best. It will still hurt. And somehow, with the program, with God, with time, it will start to ease.
I am happy again. I thought I might never really heal. I am grateful to say.......I was wrong.
Grief is a shitload of pain. There are no steps, no words to make that pain subside except......feel it, know it's normal, let yourself be as comforted as possible by others. They are no substitute, for sure. But.......you'll accept this loss one day, be grateful for people who showed you love and respect while you were in pain, and be able to give it to someone else whose going through it.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: OH
Posts: 24
I can relate to much of the things you are going through. The funeral thing is not so sad. Went to one last night (one of the neighborhood kids we grew up with many years ago passed away) and it felt so comforting to see some old friends and bring back some childhood memories. I think I'm not to far behind you though, as far as termination the relationship. My wife has relapsed big time. Told her I wanted her out. I've been trying to get into al-anon also, but can't trust leaving my son (12) with my wife. Does your son go to al-anon with you? Do kids go to meetings with their parents? If so that solves one problem. He needs the help more than I do right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Yes, My son goes to AlaTeen...thats Alanon for kids ages 5-19.
He goes to his meeting at same time/place I go to mine, and has helped him alot. I highly recommend you find one for your son. They talk about thier daily "highs and lows"....which means they share what High hey had that day (good grade on a test, made new friend) and thier lows (had a fight, or bad grade).
This helps them to open up about thier feelings. They also role play, game like skits,,,this helps them to share thier feelings in a way they feel safe.
If you cant find an Alateen in your area, take him to Alanon...maybe bring his gameboy or a book....its the best thing you will ever do for yourself,,and him.
There are lots of men now in our fellowship..you wont be the only one so dont worry.
Good luck,,,it works!
He goes to his meeting at same time/place I go to mine, and has helped him alot. I highly recommend you find one for your son. They talk about thier daily "highs and lows"....which means they share what High hey had that day (good grade on a test, made new friend) and thier lows (had a fight, or bad grade).
This helps them to open up about thier feelings. They also role play, game like skits,,,this helps them to share thier feelings in a way they feel safe.
If you cant find an Alateen in your area, take him to Alanon...maybe bring his gameboy or a book....its the best thing you will ever do for yourself,,and him.
There are lots of men now in our fellowship..you wont be the only one so dont worry.
Good luck,,,it works!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: irving, texas
Posts: 11
Well you asked a question can you take your kids?? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i took my 4 month old daughter with me.. the hugged her and welcomed her just like they welcomed me. they call her the new ala-non member. i cant trust my A with her either.. i have caught doing things in front of her. its not easy, believe me. but i do take her with me. she is my daughter and she goes where ever i go..
jewels
i took my 4 month old daughter with me.. the hugged her and welcomed her just like they welcomed me. they call her the new ala-non member. i cant trust my A with her either.. i have caught doing things in front of her. its not easy, believe me. but i do take her with me. she is my daughter and she goes where ever i go..
jewels
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 3
I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm new to the forum, but have left my boyfriend (alcoholic) after 9 years. I've been gone a little over 3 weeks now and the loneliness is almost becoming unbearable, but I know if I go back, I'll end up being worse off than I am now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Travelles,
Nice to see you here thanks for your post. Im glad to know Im not alone.
Breaking the dependancy I have on another person is gawd awful.I miss him, and the memeories are haunting me,,everything is s trigger,,reminding me of times we shared together....ugh!!!!!
Nice to see you here thanks for your post. Im glad to know Im not alone.
Breaking the dependancy I have on another person is gawd awful.I miss him, and the memeories are haunting me,,everything is s trigger,,reminding me of times we shared together....ugh!!!!!
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 3
I'm just wondering if it will ever get easier! We have an 8 year old daughter together, that we're handling the best we can. He has been sober since I left 3 weeks ago, and feels everything is fine now and I should come back. I can't make him understand all the bitterness and anger I have built up inside of me from the past 9 years. That's something I'm trying to deal with now, the anger, resentment, bitterness. I don't know if I can ever forgive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
I know your pain,,,going to Al Anon has helped me deal with pain and anger and hurt and everything. You will learn ways to work thru that,,,I hooe you look up al anon in your area.
All these mixed up feelings we have are part of the disease.I consider myself to suffer from the disease of codependency. I defintely feel "Dis-at-ease", iel I am diseased.
Sadness, lonliness,,,these are all things the disease loves us to feel....BLAH!!!!!!
All these mixed up feelings we have are part of the disease.I consider myself to suffer from the disease of codependency. I defintely feel "Dis-at-ease", iel I am diseased.
Sadness, lonliness,,,these are all things the disease loves us to feel....BLAH!!!!!!
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