choublak

And he didn't even do anything wrong. He hasn't had any alcohol in the past 3 weeks. I get frustrated and stressed about things going on in my life and always find an indirect way to relate it to and blame it on his drinking. Well today I really lost it and started yelling at him and throwing things (not at him, just at the floor). I told him I hated him, among other things (I don't). He doesn't get why I blow up at him whenever I'm worried or upset about something, and neither do I. It's misplaced agression, I know that much. He looks really hurt now. I don't know why I do these things or how to stop. I've always had a temper, maybe it's the Irish in me.

caughthiminject

Since I started dating my AXBF, I have spiraled into a depressed, sad and angry person who finds no joy in anything anymore. I don't know how I got here, but I can see very clearly when it started. Sometimes I am just so angry at him that he's not normal, that he caused me so much pain, that he always promised everything would be okay and then he'd do something stupid again, that he can't take care of us like he promised because he spent all his money on alcohol and drugs, that he twists everything around to blame me. Sometimes I have wanted to strangle him in his sleep. But I do love him. Even now, I miss him every minute and I can't think about anything but him. I want to fix him and have the part of him I love so much, the part that exists outside the disease. But I can't. And it's frustrating. And I'm angry. The resentment can stay a long time. I remember every detail of everything he's ever done. Meanwhile he's in the bliss of having blacked out and also I think he's got some brain damage, he can't remember things from a few days ago much less two years ago. I still feel crazy and angry and I haven't seen him in over a week.

Cyranoak

It doesn't matter if it's the Irish in you. It's a problem for you. It sounds to me like you are not working a program of recovery for yourself. If that's true, I don't think you have a chance in hell of changing this dynamic whether he is drinking or not, especially if he's trying to quit cold without working a program.

If the above is true your situation is a ticking time bomb...

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

LaTeeDa

A big part of ME hitting MY bottom was realizing I didn't like who I was becoming.

L

choublak

Eh...throwing things when I'm mad is nothing new...not proud of it either...

akrasia

There's kind of two issues, right? Don't conflate them.

1. You losing temper, throwing stuff, etc., so that you feel bad afterwards
2. His history of binging and your stress related to that.

RE: #1. Hey, I used to throw stuff and go off on people (loved ones) when I got mad. Then I'd feel contrite, blah blah. I think I've managed to shake it off, finally, thank goodness. What's helped is getting more aware of when I'm *just starting* to feel stressed out, and doing something about it. (For instance, going to the gym, getting more sleep, just keeping myself on an even keel.) I used to think, "Oh, I'll get all angry and then get it out of my system," but I found that getting angry just made me more angry. Keeping on an even keel was better. That may or may not work for you.

RE: 2. Three weeks is not a terribly long time for him to be "sober." I don't believe it's helpful to look at this in terms of "co-dependence" and how you both have to "recover." There's nothing wrong with you--OF COURSE you're still mad and tense about all the stupid binging he indulged in and the damage it caused to you and your relationship. Any normal person would be upset! What, you're supposed to be all, "Wow, three weeks! Now I'll just pretend none of that crap ever happened!" No way.

That said, however, I wonder if your persistent anger here isn't a sort of inner voice telling you that things are not okay as is. Because, yeah, it's not a nice living situation for either of you if you've got that feeling so much. Have you given any thought to a trial separation, whilst he sorts out his drinking?

wellnowwhat

Hi. OT a little bit. I used to suffer from undiagnosed PMS. I would fly into rages triggered by something specific but my rage was soooooo over the top for the situation. I would wake up some days with clenched fists and wanting to throw things. My doctor gave me a list of foods to avoid, basically anything prepared, and following the diet made a HUGE difference. You can google a list of what to avoid. Following the diet, I ended up not taking any medication. Occasionally when I would feel the rage bubbling under the surface I would do a food inventory to see if I had been slipping, and give myself some TLC so I wouldn't vent on those around me.

PMS or not, the diet is a way to eat healthy and relatively additive free. When my girls were teens, because they were on the diet by default, I think it made that time of their lives easier too.

Hope this helps. (I hope this isn't against the medical advice rule. It's just a refinement of the eat right, get rest, etc.)

choublak

Maybe I'll buy some paint and paint something.