SoaringSpirits

Many months ago my AH and I purchased 4 tickets to a Willie Nelson concert and invited a client of our company and his wife to attend. The client is also my husband's friend. My AH and I have been separated for four months and he continues to drink. We have a cordial relationship but I keep very strong boundaries with him.

This morning AH stopped by and we talked about going to the concert. He said his friend/client suggested we go to an upscale WINE BAR before the concert. I told him in no uncertain terms that I am not OK with that. I am not willing to be around him when he is drinking. I also said that it would be very hypocritical of me to separate from him due to his alcoholism and then go to a wine bar with him for dinner. I was clear and calm, and proud of myself for not engaging and keeping clear boundaries.

I should have seen this coming, but it feels like such a kick in the gut. My AH is so deeply in denial.

What should I do? My instinct tells me that I should bail out on going to the concert altogether. Or do I tell him that I will go out for dinner at a regular restaurant prior to the concert, but that if he drinks I will simply get up and leave? What is the cleanest way for me to handle this situation and maintain my boundaries? Thanks.

dollydo

I'd meet them at the concert, you can do what you want, drive there and leave if things get out of hand.

Pelican

It always helps to have a Plan B when alcohol is involved.

I agree with Dolly. Meet them at the concert and have your own vehicle to leave if his behavior is unacceptable.

SoaringSpirits

I considered the option of just meeting them at the concert. My husband doesn't have over the top behavior in public, ever. He is a secret alcoholic. Nobody knows. So it's not like I'd go and he'd appear intoxicated in any way. But if he went to dinner on his own with this couple prior to the concert, I would be 100% sure he had had a glass or two of wine. I just don't have the stomach to sit there and pretend everything is great.

I am just so tired. And hurt. How can he not get it?

OnMyWay11

laurie6781

Heck don't miss out on "Willie"!!!!

Go to the concert. I have to assume the tickets are 4 seats in a row. Make sure your H sits at far end, then the gentleman client, then the wife client and then you.

Willie Concerts are usually not cheap and are usually really great concert. Go and enjoy the concert and when it is over, make your exit.

You are there for the CONCERT not for your H.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

choublak

I take it this friend of his doesn't know the two of you are separated because of his drinking?

Or could your AH be lying?

SoaringSpirits

I asked my AH that. He said the friend knows we are separated. I asked AH if friend was aware that alcohol abuse was the reason for the separation. AH said Yes. At that point I responded that I found it hard to fathom that his friend would suggest a wine bar knowing we were separated due to AH's alcohol abuse.

I get him being entrenched in denial. I get him being an alcoholic who lies and manipulates. But I don't get the STUPID part. It seems so "in your face" to suggest a wine bar dinner with the wife you are separated from because she's sick of your drinking!

And yeah, Laurie, Willie concerts are not cheap. These tickets were not cheap. I've seen Willie several times in concert and am a huge fan. As much as I'd like to go, I now have to seriously consider if I am enabling my AH to show up at all.

choublak

Heh, I'd ask the friend myself.

seek

I personally would not go, simply to avoid the stress and possible drama. If it were me, I would be on pins and needles, wondering what was going to happen. I would not want to put myself in that position of leaving my emotional well-being in the hands of an alcoholic. That's just me though.

Cyranoak

At the risk of seeming too simplistic, if you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't.

If you go and an alcoholic event begins, make your apologies to your clients and leave.

And, through all of it, practice "The Principals" in all of your interactions.

Take care,

Cyranoak

SoaringSpirits

Thank you for your replies and input.

My AH was ticked off at my "no wine bar" stance yesterday, so he is 'punishing' me in the usual way by acting cold and distant. He came over this morning to take our daughter somewhere, and treated me like I was the most vile piece of garbage (I am sure he was hung over, too....interesting). Ugh. I am doing my best to detach and let it roll off me, but it's so painful. He was once my best friend and kind to me.

So anyway, this morning I told him that I had decided I'd meet him at the concert and would skip the dinner part. He said nothing but I could tell he was surprised and mad. I just smiled and bounced on my merry way, giving him a hug and changing the subject to talk about our garden . I was really pleased I was able to stay disengaged, but it hurt like hell. The way he rejects me is exquisitely painful.

I miss my 'old' husband so much. Sometimes it feels like space aliens have invaded his body and taken away his heart and everything that makes him seem human. I am struggling so much with having given him the "booze or your family" ultimatum only to have him walk away from me without so much as a backward glance.

Thanks for letting me vent. I truly appreciate the community here at SR.