I laugh at myself for being rediculous
 

hahhahahha ohhhhhhhhhhh Rorty you forgot, didn't you? hahahahhahhaahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahhah


Well yes, I briefly forgot that she is A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC. I should expect nothing and work on myself. Well today all of my emotions were fogging up my windshield and I forgot about these things. I expected her to come through for me with something small and unimportant and she didn't and it turned my world upside down for a second. But now I see the forest from the trees, again.

Harden the **** up, Rorty.

End rant.

>> OH RIGHT, you are probably wondering how I came to randomly expect my ex-recovering alcoholic girlfriend to do something small for me. She works down the street. I keep bumping into her. It's been okay. She has been breaking no-contact. I think she is showing me that she wants to be in my life. I just don't know how to live my life with a recovering alcoholic in it. Hence the no contact. Because all that happens is that I get frustrated.

Good for you. Keep on keeping on. You know how they say "One Day At A Time"? Well, I can tell you that for me, there have been days when it's been more like ten minutes at the time, pulling myself forward by digging my fingernails into the carpet.

The important thing is that you keep moving. Even if it's just ten minutes at a time.

And you caught yourself. That's a huge step!

rorty

The no contact thing does get easier. Every day that passes. Hang in there :)

Expect nothing from anyone else whoever they are, that way you wont be disappointed.
That's what i did, it's not the best way but it got me through for a while. I wouldn't like to live like that for ever though.

We went no-contact for about three weeks and I felt like a changed person. Not having the ex-A on the mind = incredible sense of freedom, independence, self-improvement, and fun. Having the A in the picture = me feeling like crap.

You are going in the right direction. Don't stop my friend, and don't look back.

Cyranoak

At least you are recognizing this now! That's awesome!

There's nothing wrong with walking away from a toxic relationship and never looking back. Nothing wrong at all. I often wonder where we learn that we should stick around and let others treat us like crap - is it out of obligation? Fear? Guilt? Trying to do the right thing? Maybe all of the above?

If you are doing the right thing for you - keep doing it!

For the record I will say that my ex was never abusive to me nor did she show me anything but love. It wasn't a love that I could see or feel, but I know its there. As for her qualities that "I don't like" qualities which frustrate me, qualities brought on by drinking, those are the main reasons that I have to put space between us. I just can't handle the choices she makes even in recovery. I do care for her deeply. But I still have to heal my sentiments of: not wanting to know what she has been doing, not being able to rely on her (still) to do little things for me, not feeling like I matter. I feel like I get punched in the stomach when I see her. I am always hesitant to talk, I always wonder "what is she going to say next that is essentially crazy or disillusioned?" I hate that. Sometimes I am able to separate the alcoholism with the fact that she is still a person who has feelings and emotions just like me, although they are coated in the slime of disease.

I have trouble cutting her off because I can see she is improving, not by leaps and bounds, but a minute at a time. I can see that I matter to her and I feel like maybe no contact isn't the best solution for our relationship.

That being said, I will continue to make decisions with my best interest in mind. I am still going to move to SF. I am still going to live my own life. I personally hold onto this relationship because I know that deep down inside her I have a soul mate. I may never get her back. Realizing that there is a chance of relapse and perpetual uncertainty I know that I have to keep my options open and move forward. I hate to say it. But I do.

Its a crazy feeling to leave "a ball" in the "court" of a recovering-alcoholic. It goes against my instinct: I know she is unreliable and may never get back in touch with me if I leave it there. Yet, I can't devote my life to this process. The process of waiting around, not being able to trust her, and not wanting to know what she has been doing or who she has been hanging around with. :(