Tipping point and Divorce?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
My ex is actually the one who filed, but I decided not to fight it when I remembered how he had me cleaning out an apartment and lugging boxes down 2 flights of stairs and throwing them into the back of a moving van when I was 6 months pregnant. I was also so anemic I could barely function. Had premature labor 2 days later which luckily they were able to stop. And I let him bully me into it. That woke me up.
That was it for me.
That was it for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
winnie
We were not married, but my tipping point came when he started to become physically abusive as well as verbally. Flying down the road at 75 mph, leaning over in the seat to scream at me and hit me in the shoulder was about enough for me. I kicked him out before he had the chance to touch me like that again. I knew it was just a matter of time before the blows were full fists in my face.
We were not married, but my tipping point came when he started to become physically abusive as well as verbally. Flying down the road at 75 mph, leaning over in the seat to scream at me and hit me in the shoulder was about enough for me. I kicked him out before he had the chance to touch me like that again. I knew it was just a matter of time before the blows were full fists in my face.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
For me it was when is 3rd relapse on Roxies in 2 years occured. It was like a volcano errupted inside of me. I experienced the first of many major panic attacks (went to the hopital thinking I was dying of a heart attack). Living with him, walking on eggshells, playing detective each and every day finally took its toll on me physiologically. My doctor had a serious talk to me about my health (I'm only 33) and I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.
I move out next week, just me and my 2 girls.
He now has to make his own choices. I'm not having the "front row seat" to his addiction anymore.
I haven't contacted a lawyer....yet..
I hope you find your answers soon.....
GOOD LUCK
I move out next week, just me and my 2 girls.
He now has to make his own choices. I'm not having the "front row seat" to his addiction anymore.
I haven't contacted a lawyer....yet..
I hope you find your answers soon.....
GOOD LUCK
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I haven't gotten to divorce yet. I just moved out 5 months ago. It was a 6 day booze and Ambien blackout binge. It took me over 10 years to reach my breaking point.
Now she appears to be working on a recovery but to be honest it really doesn't matter. I am taking my time because during all of the craziness she always was careful with money. There is no way we are getting back together but I am not in a hurry. She is the mother of my children and did a pretty good job up to the point they started high school. So I will give her time to get her act together. I wish her well and hope that she can get to the point where she is allowed to see her grand children again. However I don't have anything to do with that one way or the other and wouldn't begin to get involved with that, unlike the old me.
Your friend,
Now she appears to be working on a recovery but to be honest it really doesn't matter. I am taking my time because during all of the craziness she always was careful with money. There is no way we are getting back together but I am not in a hurry. She is the mother of my children and did a pretty good job up to the point they started high school. So I will give her time to get her act together. I wish her well and hope that she can get to the point where she is allowed to see her grand children again. However I don't have anything to do with that one way or the other and wouldn't begin to get involved with that, unlike the old me.
Your friend,
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
We weren't married either, but mine was when he got drunk Dec 22 and started on a verbal rampage over the phone about how it was my fault because I ruined his day because I visited my parents for Christmas that day. That was my entire trip to visit them for Christmas, mind you.
When he got back to the apartment he collapsed on the floor, still yelling. I tried making dinner, which he insisted I ruined, so I ate it all myself and went to bed. I woke up to a drunken maniac pulling the covers off the bed, yelling two inches from my face, who proceeded to throw furniture around the apartment when I refused to apologize for my "grave mistake" and for "ruining his life."
As a result of this, I "manipulated" him into rehab. The final straw for the end of the relationship was after two weeks of rehab, he decided to "apologize" for his behavior.
"StarCat, I'm sorry I let your parents ruin our Christmas vacation."
Nothing about the abuse, nothing about the broken furniture or the gallons of whiskey he had consumed or the fact I had attempted suicide five times in the last four months after particularly stressful bouts of abuse...
He then proceeded to propose.
That's when I realize that everything was wrong, and this no-longer-intoxicated medically-detoxed "man-child" was inventing his own world, and nothing that I ever did or said would ever penetrate that fog.
The next morning I had a full mental breakdown immediately after receiving a call from him that proceeded to lay more responsibility on me and less on him.
After consulting with two different therapists, I called his therapist at rehab and said that I was done, then blocked all of XABF's numbers, plus the number for the rehab.
I have been getting happier by the day ever since.
I wish it hadn't taken so much for me to realize how far down I was sinking in that quicksand. But I'm out now, and that's what matters.
When he got back to the apartment he collapsed on the floor, still yelling. I tried making dinner, which he insisted I ruined, so I ate it all myself and went to bed. I woke up to a drunken maniac pulling the covers off the bed, yelling two inches from my face, who proceeded to throw furniture around the apartment when I refused to apologize for my "grave mistake" and for "ruining his life."
As a result of this, I "manipulated" him into rehab. The final straw for the end of the relationship was after two weeks of rehab, he decided to "apologize" for his behavior.
"StarCat, I'm sorry I let your parents ruin our Christmas vacation."
Nothing about the abuse, nothing about the broken furniture or the gallons of whiskey he had consumed or the fact I had attempted suicide five times in the last four months after particularly stressful bouts of abuse...
He then proceeded to propose.
That's when I realize that everything was wrong, and this no-longer-intoxicated medically-detoxed "man-child" was inventing his own world, and nothing that I ever did or said would ever penetrate that fog.
The next morning I had a full mental breakdown immediately after receiving a call from him that proceeded to lay more responsibility on me and less on him.
After consulting with two different therapists, I called his therapist at rehab and said that I was done, then blocked all of XABF's numbers, plus the number for the rehab.
I have been getting happier by the day ever since.
I wish it hadn't taken so much for me to realize how far down I was sinking in that quicksand. But I'm out now, and that's what matters.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Tipping point for wanting to leave: when exah completely lost it at the dinner table and screamed at me while slamming his fists repeatedly on the table, blaming me for all the wrong in his life. I was holding the baby.
Tipping point for actually leaving and filing for divorce: when exah threatened that if I didn't sign over shared custody of DD to him, he wouldn't let me leave our apartment. I moved out 2 days later. Took 90 minutes.
Tipping point for actually leaving and filing for divorce: when exah threatened that if I didn't sign over shared custody of DD to him, he wouldn't let me leave our apartment. I moved out 2 days later. Took 90 minutes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
It was a whole bunch of bad memories and feelings all piling up. It kept growing bigger and bigger each time he drank and made poor choices. Even though there were lots of hurts for me and our 5 kids, my birthday really became the tipping point.
He spent the whole weekend drinking with friends. Expected me to be genuinely happy b/c he remembered a gift. Which he gave me in the am before the going out to drink/play baseball at 10am. It's like a lightbulb went off. He drank on my birthday last year. He drank this year. If nothing changes, he will certAinly drink next year!
We only have so many birthdays, holidays, and days in general. How do we want to spend them? Sad, dissapointed, paranoid, worried?
Not me. I'll take the peaceful life with a side of joy please.
He spent the whole weekend drinking with friends. Expected me to be genuinely happy b/c he remembered a gift. Which he gave me in the am before the going out to drink/play baseball at 10am. It's like a lightbulb went off. He drank on my birthday last year. He drank this year. If nothing changes, he will certAinly drink next year!
We only have so many birthdays, holidays, and days in general. How do we want to spend them? Sad, dissapointed, paranoid, worried?
Not me. I'll take the peaceful life with a side of joy please.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
When my AH, after showing up to work drunk, going to rehab and getting a second chance, did it AGAIN! Then he pretended he had a job interview and took off with an old high school friend for days to "party" without telling anyone where he was. I was already getting to my tipping point, because when he was in rehab, I started to realize how I'd been living for the past few years was not normal. I also realized how much I enjoyed just being with my kids and not having him around. Then, when he pulled that running off crap, I was like, "I do not have to take this!!!" I was very done. That was six months ago.
The divorce process seems never-ending. I have to keep going through all these ridiculous motions, like having a settlement conference with him (which is ridiculous to even try because he has no address and is completely irrational) and appearing in court multiple times, which takes me away from my new job. It is a giant pain and is costing me a ton of money because I have to do everything through lawyers and the court doesn't seem to recognize that one spouse may be hard to deal with, even though they have DUIs and detox and rehab visits. It's like we all have to pretend this is perfectly normal and it kills me. Just let me out, tell me what it takes!
Whew, okay, had to vent. But obviously I have had it.
The divorce process seems never-ending. I have to keep going through all these ridiculous motions, like having a settlement conference with him (which is ridiculous to even try because he has no address and is completely irrational) and appearing in court multiple times, which takes me away from my new job. It is a giant pain and is costing me a ton of money because I have to do everything through lawyers and the court doesn't seem to recognize that one spouse may be hard to deal with, even though they have DUIs and detox and rehab visits. It's like we all have to pretend this is perfectly normal and it kills me. Just let me out, tell me what it takes!
Whew, okay, had to vent. But obviously I have had it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 23
I'm not divorced yet, but the the last straw came on a Friday afternoon. I was leaving work and got a text message from the next door neighbor. My AH was found passed out on the garage floor. The neighbor across the street (a fireman) found him. Next door neighbor knows his problem and said he really couldn't tell if he was drunk or had a stroke. He speech was so garbled and his motor function was incredibly impaired. He went to the hospital by ambulance and I got there as soon as possible. I could not tell myself. He did seem like possibly a stroke he was so bad. As he sobered up though, he started the non-stop talking and it was all just ridiculous banter. When I asked his BAC, they needed his permission to tell me. It was OVER 3.5!!!!
He sobered up in the hospital and it was so embarrassing. Then when he was released and I drove him home, it was like the whole neighborhood was outside to see us.
I should NEVER have stuck around and driven him home. I know that.
Anyway, that was my tipping point.
He sobered up in the hospital and it was so embarrassing. Then when he was released and I drove him home, it was like the whole neighborhood was outside to see us.
I should NEVER have stuck around and driven him home. I know that.
Anyway, that was my tipping point.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
When I wanted to take my daughter to Las Vegas for her 21rst and realized I was afraid to go because he might pass out and burn down my house with a cigarette. Kicked him out and made it a double celebration.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
After 14 years and a child who was 3 & 1/2 at the time. . . I was just tired of talking to a grown adult who was defending "drinking just two beers daily" and justifying "it's only marijuana." I felt such disgust, pity & sadness --things I desperately did not want to feel for the father of my child. Why did I remain with someone for whom I felt these feelings? That was not the basis of a healthy relationship. I had to say this out loud to myself! I couldn't bear seeing that he wasn't "present" for our daughter (since I finally lifted the veil of co-dependence and realized that he was really never "present" for me). If our daughter wasn't important enough for him to choose quitting alcohol & marijuana --something I realized would take tremendous effort & hard work on his part--, then, I just knew I had to leave. In fact, I realized I had stayed much too long! I didn't like the person *I* was becoming (boiling angry, resentful, stressed, irritable, sleep-deprived, nervous, etc.) I too was in danger of becoming "not present" in my daughter's life if I kept obsessing over her father's addictions. I asked my Higher Powers (this is before Alanon) "What else is there really left for me to do?" I kept thinking about the definition of insanity "Doing the same thing over and over & expecting different results." I finally realized I had to do something different because my life had become insane & unmanageable. . . I wanted different results, which meant I needed to do something drastically different than what I had done for the past 14 years. My HPs spoke to me loudly and clearly (I think they had been speaking to me for a long long time. I just didn't listen): to leave!
I looked at my child and said to myself, "Why am I accepting for myself what I would not want for my child to ever tolerate?" I kept thinking, "One day, my daughter may grow up and ask me, 'Mom, why did you allow this? Why did you put up with this? Why didn't you have the courage to leave? Why didn't you stand up for me? Why did you allow me to grow up in an alcoholic home?" I wanted/want to be an example for her.
I finally mustered enough strength to leave. I was in the process of filing for divorce. He began to spiral downward quickly. He eventually went into recovery. . .we remained separated for almost two years (one full year after he entered recovery). We are back together (6 months) and rebuilding our lives. In order to continue to do things differently, I decided I needed to go to Alanon and work on myself.
My daughter is what inspires me to do things differently than I've done, to change, to heal, to be a better human being. . . I know I should do it for myself first and foremost *but* it took seeing my little girl & wanting something much much more for her. In the beginning, I couldn't do it for myself. It took my daughter (seeing myself in my daughter) for me to say, "This is it! No more!"
I looked at my child and said to myself, "Why am I accepting for myself what I would not want for my child to ever tolerate?" I kept thinking, "One day, my daughter may grow up and ask me, 'Mom, why did you allow this? Why did you put up with this? Why didn't you have the courage to leave? Why didn't you stand up for me? Why did you allow me to grow up in an alcoholic home?" I wanted/want to be an example for her.
I finally mustered enough strength to leave. I was in the process of filing for divorce. He began to spiral downward quickly. He eventually went into recovery. . .we remained separated for almost two years (one full year after he entered recovery). We are back together (6 months) and rebuilding our lives. In order to continue to do things differently, I decided I needed to go to Alanon and work on myself.
My daughter is what inspires me to do things differently than I've done, to change, to heal, to be a better human being. . . I know I should do it for myself first and foremost *but* it took seeing my little girl & wanting something much much more for her. In the beginning, I couldn't do it for myself. It took my daughter (seeing myself in my daughter) for me to say, "This is it! No more!"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
This is a really great thread bc I am not really sure what the tipping point was but I think as a part of my recovery and as a way to ensure I remember what got me to the point and ensure I NEVER let him back I need to go through and do an inventory of sorts of what got me finally to the point of being done. I'll have to come back and post my response when I have figured out what it is specifically that got me to this point.
Great thread.
Great thread.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 38
My tipping point
My tipping point came when I had a week to myself in my house. My AH was out of town, all the drama and chaos had died down, he had quit drinking, was not in recovery, and the dust had settled. I came home every day to a clean straight house.... and NO drama.
I looked over my finances, realized how much he had put me in debt by stealing my credit cards, realized he didn't think he had a problem b/c he had quit drinking, without meetings/counseling...
I was done. The day he got back I told him i wanted him him out. It was my house before we got married... 2.5 years of my life wasted. Filed for divorce Aug 1st, just wishing this would hurry up!!
I looked over my finances, realized how much he had put me in debt by stealing my credit cards, realized he didn't think he had a problem b/c he had quit drinking, without meetings/counseling...
I was done. The day he got back I told him i wanted him him out. It was my house before we got married... 2.5 years of my life wasted. Filed for divorce Aug 1st, just wishing this would hurry up!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Mine was in jail for his dui (6 months), after losing job and walking out treatment. I could tell from letters from jail he blamed everyone else, the trooper, the judge, ME, ?, he had no desire to quit drinking. The 6 months he was in jail were peaceful. I was sick of the childish behavior, pot growing in the closet, crossed eyes looking at me, porn, immaturity, accusations, putdowns, and me having to driving him to the store for BEER. Thanks for the thread. You put me into some major Gratitude ! Divorced 4 years
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
My tipping point for me going to the divorce lawyer was my DD texting me what my STBXAH was saying to her and her saying to me "Just hurry up and divorce him. He has left 4 or 5 times and he comes back saying things will be different and it goes back. Me and my brother are suffering. You need to be happy"
I was at the beach when she texted me. So I had a few days to think about what she said and made up my mind to see the lawyer. My petition was filed last Wednesday.
He has been getting worse with the verbal abuse and stalking me.
What made me get an emergency restraining order was last Friday he threatened by DD with bodily harm and called her many nasty names and kept getting her face. Obviously he was trashed and in a blackout. She told me the next morning and I went right down the police station.
I know I should have done it before. I'm so glad I did now. I'm very overwhelmed but I do feel better he is out of the house and I am happy with my decision.
This morning going to court to have the restraining order extended. I'm very anxious about that. And scared to see him. Hopefully, he won't be able to keep his mouth shut and get contempt of court. Would love to see that!!!
I was at the beach when she texted me. So I had a few days to think about what she said and made up my mind to see the lawyer. My petition was filed last Wednesday.
He has been getting worse with the verbal abuse and stalking me.
What made me get an emergency restraining order was last Friday he threatened by DD with bodily harm and called her many nasty names and kept getting her face. Obviously he was trashed and in a blackout. She told me the next morning and I went right down the police station.
I know I should have done it before. I'm so glad I did now. I'm very overwhelmed but I do feel better he is out of the house and I am happy with my decision.
This morning going to court to have the restraining order extended. I'm very anxious about that. And scared to see him. Hopefully, he won't be able to keep his mouth shut and get contempt of court. Would love to see that!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
My life had become completely insane after I got married. It was getting worse by the day. My husband came home staggering drunk three days in a row. On the third day I put him to bed and got on my knees and prayed to God that he not come home again drunk but that if it had to happen let it be the next day. He was drunk the next day. I put him to bed and called my attorney and made an appointment. There was simply no alternative.
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