seek

My situation is that one of my grown daughters appears to be alcoholic. She has a son, age 18.

Her siblings have seen her drunk, so they are aware of her situation.

Her son has seen her drunk but I don't know what he thinks about what her "problem" is. When I first became aware of how serious the problem might be a few years ago, I told him about resources and tried to talk to him about the issue and he said something along the lines of "This kind of thing bothers some people a lot and others not so much." He said it wasn't a big deal for him (because I was freaked out at the time and was trying to educate him in terms of "the disease" and how he might get support for himself if he felt he needed it) . . .

Fast forward a few years and she was sober and apparently is not now (don't know details except she appeared on my doorstep drunk last weekend and looks bad - very skinny - and is alienated from everyone in the family - we are all "the enemy") . . .

A bunch of different things occur to me - one is the issue of "the elephant in the room that no one talks about" - when I am with my grandson at his house, he seems not to want to discuss the issue - I have not pushed it but it made me wonder about systems of denial.

I know with one of my other kids, when she was a teen, I wrote her a letter and told her something that I thought would help her understand stuff but what it really did was blow her system of denial open before she was ready . . .

I have been in denial about my daughter because I don't see her much and wanted to think she was getting healthy - she had told me she had a sponsor so I was encouraged by that. I also thought that even though she was probably alcoholic, that her main problem was narcissism and arrested development - I basically thought she was just a selfish, mean person (which I still think, but now I understand more thoroughly the dynamic).

So, when I am with my grandson, is it colluding with the system of denial to not say anything - because he seems to want to avoid the issue? Yesterday, I just said, "I think your mom has some serious issues to address" (because evidently there was some drama at the house where she called the police on her boyfriend - she told me about that and I wanted to broach the subject with my grandson to offer him support in terms of people he could stay with if necessary) . . . he said, "Yeah, it sucks here. I wish I could move, but I have no options." He is starting college in a couple of weeks and I fear that in an unstable environment, it might be difficult . . . but I have no power to change that and just want to point out options . . .

Is it best to take my cues from him (in terms of talking about what's going on? I believe blowing someone's denial is not good, but then that is effectively keeping the elephant in the middle of the room, or is there something I am missing . . .????????????????????????????????????????

nodaybut2day

Hm. I wouldn't push him but I would discuss with him what options there are. Is there anyone in the family he could move in with? Can he live on campus? He's over 18, so he's an adult and he can choose to change the situation for himself or not. Your account of your short conversation demonstrates that he is aware of the problem but doesn't know how to get himself out of the situation...

seek

Yeah, I have been treading lightly in terms of just letting him know there are options (he doesn't like any of them because where he lives is convenient to his gf, etc. and moving elsewhere would be a long commute to school and away from everyone - but he does have options).

To me, the issue of "family secrets," "denial" and the "elephant in the room" are very confusing because you don't want to interfere where it would not be helpful - at the same time, not acknowledging what is going on is contributing to the system of denial . . . I wonder what professionals say about this - I have not read anything on this particular issue . . .

LucyA

I speak to my nephew about how his mum and dad were alcoholics. I don't hide it at all, my mother, (his grandmother and his dads mum) is in almost complete denial. she will deny it to poeple who werent close at the end, but knows she has to face up to it where there are people who know the truth.
I do what I do because I don't want to confuse my nephew, he's 14 btw, and grew up with both parents alcoholic.
I don't pretend at all, although I respect his views if he gets facts wrong I correct him, but I don't push it. I don't think I've ever actually said your mum/dad was alcoholic. I've said they were ill and had problems, and we discuss what they used to drink and how they used to give him cider. We talk about it, it's not swept under the carpet, maybe one day we'll talk deeper, but I don't think he needs labels or the responsibility of what his parents did/were.
Maybe just let him know theres a place available, wherever, even if it's just a place to study or have some free chilling time, and that he can try it out without it having to be permanent. He might just decide it's the better option, that's what my nephew did.

seek

What a great idea! I love it! I will tell him that he can go to "x" for some quiet time or to study or whenever he wants! Thank you!