lillamy

I feel like an idiot.
Every time I feel like "boy, I've really come a long way in my recovery," God finds that it's a good time to remind me how far I have yet to go...

So I've managed to stop reacting to AXH's antics. I brush them off. And I sort of thought that meant I had overcome the biggest part of my codependency issues.

And then the new man in my life had a really ****** day and was grumpy today. And what is my reaction? I get really upset and sad and anxious.

My new man is a non-drinking, sweet, honest person. The problem isn't with him. It's with me once again taking on someone else's feelings as if they were my own. Reacting as if it's my responsibility to make sure he's not feeling that way.

He has good reason to be grumpy. But those are his reasons. His feelings. I don't have to fix anything. Dance on the table to make him happy. Fix his favorite dinner. Give him a foot rub. I could do any and all of those things, but if I did them right now, I'd be doing them for the wrong reason.

But hey. At least I noticed, right?

TakingCharge999

Lol.. me too, when I go "I am now Boundary Queen, I am so smart!! " there comes life...
Yes, good for you for realizing this and not doing it in automatic!

I have a dumb example to share,
In facebook I have sent long messages. I sent a couple of them. No response.

Now when someone sends me a message,
I send back a message exactly the same length they sent.

I have realized how exhausted I am, giving, giving, giving. Never receiving. Or when I make plans I am the one who has to call people, drive, arrange things... if I don´t do it, not a peep...

Realizing this kind of stuff is progress...

LaTeeDa

I always have to check my motivation. Am I doing something because it will help someone else through a rough spot, or am I doing it because I am trying to rescue them and earn their love. The same act can be productive or destructive solely based on my motivation. It's not a bad thing to try and cheer someone up. It's actually a kind thing to do, as long as the motivation is sincere and unhindered by hidden expectations. That's my two cents, anyway.

L

lillamy

Yup, LTD. Exactly. I wanted to cheer him up -- and I did -- but only after I chewed myself out for reacting emotionally to his emotional reaction. If that makes sense.

LaTeeDa

Makes perfect sense. But, you don't have to chew yourself out. Just let go of the expectations.

L

LifeRecovery

I can't remember who posted it, or the exact wording but it went something like this

I am not where I would like to be, but it is much better then where I have been.

BeProactive

"
I always have to check my motivation. Am I doing something because it will help someone else through a rough spot, or am I doing it because I am trying to rescue them and earn their love. The same act can be productive or destructive solely based on my motivation. It's not a bad thing to try and cheer someone up. It's actually a kind thing to do, as long as the motivation is sincere and unhindered by hidden expectations."

Couldn't have said better than LaTeeDa.. Good job noticing and being aware of your (codie) reactions and correcting them Lillamy - that itself shows how far you have come in your recovery.. progress, not perfection (someone on SR said this, I think)