MTSlideAddict

Although a simple "sorry" does not rectify the emotional turmoil that the alcoholic’s family has endured during active use, I can’t help but to think that it would somehow mend some of the heartache. I personally have not received an apology from my recovering AH regarding his drinking nor the behavior that was influenced by the alcohol; at least not an honest one anyway. I think if I were to receive a sincere apology from my AH I would feel a sense of relief. It wouldn’t make everything all better, but it would give me a little bit of peace. It would give me the sense that he is taking some responsibility for his addiction. I believe I hold some resentments due to the unresolved issues regarding his drinking.

That is actually one thing I have been working on for myself this week pertaining to my own recovery and wellbeing. I need to detach and not expect an apology, and to let my resentments go. I need to get out of the past and move on to the present.

Terminally Unique

I'm certainly not suggesting that an apology would fix everything, but I tend to think that as long as someone continues to view drinking as an innocent act, as a symptom of circumstances, then they are very likely to drink again at some point. There is a reason that some won't ever apologize for the drinking itself. How can you possibly apologize for having done something that you intend to do again under certain nebulous conditions?

Think about it.

LaTeeDa

Hence, my first response that it's not the lack of apologizing so much as the lack of quitting. LOL

L

Terminally Unique

Well, I did stipulate that I was interested in those that have quit. Obviously, if they are apologizing while getting tanked, that doesn't mean much. I'm interested in why formerly addicted people are often unwilling to admit that drinking, in and of itself, was, for them, wrong.

Of course, I do know the reason: they intend to do it again under certain, often unspecified conditions. It wouldn't be very "smart" to admit that something you did was wrong if you are going to do it again, would it?

newwings

I made sure that apologizing to both my husband and my eldest daughter was one of the first things I did when I quit.

I make sure I bring my bad drinking behavior up occasionally because I don't ever want my husband (in particular) to think that I've forgotten about it. Yes, I apologized at the time, but it was done with humiliation and shame, and although I was genuinely remorseful, my actions showed I could forget easily. Because I would drink again, it appeared to mean nothing.

Nearly five months into sobriety I feel that I'm living my apology every single day by choosing NOT to drink, and therefore ensuring we don't ever have to be in that situation again. Reminding him of how I used to be, and how I am now is important to me. 'Sorry' is just a word - action is what heals.

lillamy

In my case? No. He did say I should scrutinize my conscience and see if maybe I could figure out what it was I did or didn't do that made him drink all those years. That's as close to an apology as we got.

He would say "I'm sorry" but when I asked "for what" he couldn't specify other than "that you apparently think I'm a miserable excuse for a human being."

vujade

An interesting question! I have to admit that I am responding without reading all the other replies in detail, so I apologize if I am being redundant.

I, personally speaking, have no interest in seeking out apologies for things that happened in the past. Recognition of poor choices by taking recovery seriously and moving forward in a healthy way, is worth far more than any words of apology (because I've certainly heard those before over and over and over again and they became completely meaningless...from "I'm sorry that I hurt you" to "I will not drink today").

My feeling is that if I am in a relationship which is dependent upon an apology for past actions and behaviors...things which I chose to participate in (and possibly contribute to) repeatedly...then I should just move on. Alternately, if we can live our lives in a way that doesn't feel the need for apology, then I'll happily keep walking that path with him.

My sweetheart has several people in his life I think he feels he needs to make amends with through apology for past behaviors and compensation for past losses. I am not one of those people as far as I am concerned. I have made my own mistakes, am working on my own recovery and appreciate very much that he isn't standing over ME waiting for his apology.

***I am editing to add that I get where you are coming from. It's like someone saying "I'm going to TRY to lose weight." Don't TRY...either do it or don't but there is no TRY. When we say "try" we are keeping that little margin open for excuse for failure. Well, I TRIED, but I couldn't do it. However, I still feel that a person's actions and behaviors tell far more than words. After 18 months of watching a man "try" not to drink, I am now seeing a man in recovery. He doesn't need to say a THING to convince me that he's on the path of sobriety. I can see it.

Terminally Unique

I should note that "making amends" is not quite the same thing as recognizing that drinking is wrong for those who have a history of little control over it, or who have a history of causing others trouble. Formerly addicted people will be all too happy to apologize for things they did as a result of drinking, but will often stop short of acknowledging that drinking, for them, is simply wrong.

If you want to know if someone is truly serious about quitting, ask them this: "given your history, is drinking right or wrong for you, in the moral sense?" Anyone who refuses to answer "wrong" probably has a plan to drink again.

LaTeeDa

Well, my experience is with an ex-husband who DID quit. And I still think, apology or not, for behavior or drinking, is really sort of a non-issue for me. I will say though, that after a couple of years of being sober, and after the divorce was final, I received an apology from him. He said "I'm sorry.....for so many things......" And that meant more to me than all the previous so-called apologies because I knew what he meant, and I knew it was sincere. And I responded "me too."

L

veryregretful

My STBXAH had quit drinking for about 1 year a couple years ago. He never apoligized for anything. He is drinking now even more heavier.

Even though his is drinking now, he still does not apoligize. He knows he is an alcoholic but won't do anything about it. Always, some excuse.

When I was addicted to pill for self medication to make me feel 'normal' instead of the anxious, walking on eggshell, shell of a person I was at the time. I realized that I needed to stop that behavior. I was turning out like my STBXAH. When I quit it was horrible. Now I am much better. A couple weeks after I quit, I did apoligize to my kids and my husband for what I was doing and even the havoc I reigned on the home. My kids and I talked and they understood. My STBXAH on the other hand throughs that back in my face any chance he can. That I'm a pill head, etc.

I have apoligized to my sister for my actions and addiction because I felt I needed to explain what was going on with me. And I also felt if they knew what I did then there is no chance for me to fall back into that dark place.

I don't even know if what I wrote is on topic for this thread. Sometimes I like to ramble.

Anyway, I think that even if my STBXAH were to quit drinking and go into recovery and I find it hard to believe but if he apoligized I think it would be just one more lie that he has told me.

frances2011

Interesting topic and thank you.

I realize that a family member has never apologized for the storm we all went through with her drug felony. She told me once she learned her lesson and wouldn't do it again. She never apologized for the considerable impact it had on me and other family members.

veryregretful

IMO I think that or I've found that any addicts or alcoholics very rarely apoligize about the havoc the put upon their family members.

Very rarely have I seen one. The ones who do apoligize are not the selfish, manipulitve type personality. I think some of the ones that do apoligize are sincere and realize what they have done.

This may not make sense. All I know is I was addicted to pills on and off for a couple years. I have apoligized and talked with family about it and do not want to let them or myself down again by taking another pill. Most of all I'm sorry to my kids.

Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking. I don't know. I just know how I feel as I was addicted and don't want to go back there. And I am by far not a selfish person and I think all the time how I hurt my family and friends.

Freedom1990

I did apologize, and continue apologizing by living my amends.

I did so much damage to my family that any words spoken were inadequate, though I offered them.

The best that I can do is continue my recovery on a daily basis.

megan09

I apologised to my family and friends, and like Freedom, I believe I make amends by staying sober one day at a time. There are others that I need to make amends to, but the opportunity has not yet presented itself. I don't think, however, that I realised the impact of my drinking on others until I got sober but stayed for 2 years in a relationship with my alcoholic ex partner - what a learning curve that was for me! It was a horrific time, but taught me well. I think it has made my own recovery that much stronger - I don't ever wish to inflict such emotional pain on my loved ones again.

wanttobehealthy

This may be an overgeneralization (and I don't mean it to sound that way-- I'm really just curious more than anything) but I wonder how many of those who sincerely apologize and do take the time to consider how they hurt others are women vs. men? Women I think tend to be more in tune with considering others feelings and maybe that's a factor?

I really don't ever see my AH considering anyone's feelings besides his own and the apologies I have gotten from him over the years usually sound something like this:

"I'm sorry you're so convinced that I did x, y, z. You need some help"
"I'm sorry you're unable to control yourself and are so upset"
"I'm sorry you're so delusional that you think I did x, y, z when 99 out of 100 people would see that I did absolutely nothing."

I think you get the idea.

simplyfab

While I was an active alcoholic, "Im sorry" rolled off my tongue so many times, the words became as common as "as, the, and.."
I had completely chipped away at its meaning, until all meaning was lost.

When I got sober, I let my actions speak for themselves. And as more time passed and continued on my sobriety, my word slowly started to gain meaning. Not just "sorry", but everything I said. There were no more lies, cover-ups, sneeking around or excuses. I was believable again. What came out of my mouth, is what was.
In that time, I also was able to fully come to terms with how much emotional wreakage my alcoholism and my inability to choose not to drink had brought on. Not only was I able to see what damage I had done to the relationship and to us as a couple, but also the damage it did to him as a person. How going through this has changed him. Probably forever...I don't know. Thats up to him.
It wasn't until I was able to fully appreciate the impact my alcoholism had had, that I was able to genuinely apologize for what I had put us and him through.

When I did apologize, it wasn't planned...I didn't call him to the bedroom and sit him down so we can "talk" and give him my "Im sorry" speech. It happened real late late at night. We were laying in bed talking, and it just felt right to say it then. He didn't expect for it to be so genuine and sincere because at first he just gave me an "I know you are, Babe". It wasn't until I went into detail as to what I was sorry for, that he fell silent and just listened.
I wholeheartedly apologized for what we, as a couple and as a family, and he and I as individuals, have been through.
I also let him know that I see his pain and acknowledge it.


(Sorry, I cut and paste this..by AVRT)
"Formerly addicted people will be all too happy to apologize for things they did as a result of drinking, but will often stop short of acknowledging that drinking, for them, is simply wrong."

As far as apologizing for "drinking", I have. I am sorry for drinking. Its what lead to all this emotional damage.
Have I expressed how now, the thought of drinking brings up the same immoral and shady feelings as cheating does? Mmm, maybe not to that extent, but have said how I have no desire to drink anymore.
Any alcoholic can admit that its wrong. We know its wrong. Knowing and acknowledging that its wrong isn't the problem. I knew it was wrong everytime my lips touched the bottle. The only thing I can do to show how wrong I feel it is now, is to simply not do it.

wellnowwhat

When I go to Alanon my AH looks soooooo mournful and says he's sorry for the reason I need to go get help. I think he's more upset about how bad he feels about it, and not so much for me. I think he thinks that if he shows how sad he is I won't go, and then he'll feel better because "things are that bad". It's like now I'm the one making him feel bad. Sheesh!

I think if he's going to apologize, it should be more about me, not him.

m1k3

Since I've moved out I'd settle for just being left alone. She has been pretty good about that and respecting my boundaries. But sometimes....like this last weekend she sent me an email about us attending a lecture or two at a recovery center on rebuilding relationships. I called her and said that I am not ready for something like that. I could hear the disappointment and tears in her voice but she tried to sound upbeat and ok. Doesn't matter how many times I explain that even though I may still love her, there is no "us" any more. There is no relationship to be repaired. I simply don't want to be back together with her. That would be enough of an apology for me, for her to see the relationship is dead, whatever the reason and leave me alone.

Terminally Unique

I'm not advocating self-flagellation for life or anything, but I believe that those who are not able to genuinely apologize have not yet realized the reality of the situation.

You have those feelings because the torrential pleasure produced by alcohol rivals, and indeed probably exceeds, any which could be produced naturally.

Addiction is infidelity of the first order.

Knowing and accepting are two different things, and I think you'll find that not everyone can or will admit it. Try starting a poll in the alcoholism forum with my question about right vs. wrong from the post you quoted.

This is true.

Terminally Unique

Quite possibly, but I am not a woman. :-)