KittyCopes

My AH has been struggling with drinking for a long time. He has quit, gone to AA, relapsed, lied to me about drinking, hidden alcohol in the house, and almost lost his job. We have been married for just under 2 years (2nd marriages) and, between us, have 3 kids (2 his, 1 mine).

Last weekend, after more than a month of being sober, he drank and lied to me about it. This has happened so many times I've lost count. He is always remorseful, blah blah blah, but then it happens again. I confronted him, and it was pretty undeniable...he finally cracked and admitted that he needs serious help. He had already been in touch with a professional assistance program and so had some contacts, and he is, I just learned, going to rehab 1000 miles away....leaving Sunday. For a month. I had agreed, theoretically, that he should do this, but now that it is on us, and I have the prospect of being alone for a month taking care of house/bills/kids, I am feeling a great deal of anxiety and stress.

It has been a very hard year; financially it has been somewhat difficult (and rehab is not cheap), and I run my own small business which has been on autopilot while I deal with him and the emotional fallout of realizing the depth of his problem. We are in the same profession, so I've helped him with his work (co-dependent much??) at the expense of my own. We are one of those couples that has lots of acquaintances, but our closest friends are far away. I feel completely alone. I have not confided in anyone about the level of the problem, and since he is either not drinking or drinking very moderately when we socialize, our circle of friends here will be taken completely off guard. Throw in his ex wife, who will need to know, and who will almost certainly crow the news from any roof top, and I'm simply overwhelmed.

I know I need to take care of myself, and get some support. I have sporadically attended al-anon meetings in the past, but the one meeting each week here is at a time I can rarely go (due to kid schedules and such). I have one friend I could call and she would come running, but then again, she is a bit of a busybody and gossip and I'm really not sure that is what I need right now. My family....oh, I can't even begin. My parents are somewhat judgmental, my sister's husband is a raging alcoholic who will never get help, and I have always been the "good girl" with a charmed life. They will be shocked and probably not very helpful or supportive.

I know that my focus should not be on what others will think, and in truth, that is not so much my focus as what I am struggling with at the moment. I know my AH needs help. He has been unable to do this on his own, and I have been unable to help him. He has an opportunity to go to an excellent treatment facility and step back and truly focus on sobriety without the distractions of day-to-day life. Part of me is so hopeful that this is the change we need, and I'll get my husband back, and part of me is terrified that I lost him to booze first, and now I'll lose him to recovery.

I love him with all of my heart and soul. We both went through a lot to be together, and to the extent I believe in soul mates, he is mine. His lack of honesty about drinking has been heartbreaking for me, and has put a crack in our marriage that I'm afraid will always be there.

I have read all I can find about the facility, but I am still so afraid of the unknown. Will he be able to talk to me? Will he even want to?

If anyone has been through a spouse/partner in rehab, I'd love to hear your story. I'm just at loose ends right now.

Kitty

Freedom1990

Hi kitty, and you sure do have a lot on your plate, dear!

The only experience I have with a spouse in rehab is my EXAH went back to swilling whiskey and slamming dope the day he got out of rehab.

Hopefully others will be along to share their experiences with spouses in rehab!

Sending you hugs of support!

SoloMio

I had young kids when my AH was in rehab, and to be honest, I was happy to see him go. It's tough when you're a single parent doing it all yourself, but isn't that how it is anyway, with the added burden of the alcohol craziness?

Try to see it as a necessary separation for you both. Go to Al-Anon, take advantage of the rehab family program (if there is one), just take one day at a time, and don't worry about him calling you or not calling you.

There will definitely be challenges ahead--if the rehab "takes" that's just the start. The tough part is working on your individual recovery and then rebuilding the relationship from the ground up. Not easy, but so worth it.

In terms of telling people, speak with your AH about what his definition of "need to know" is and just tell people on that "need to know" basis. My AH actually asked me to stand up in church and ask for prayers, and we got prayers, and then some! People were so generous with cards of support, offers to mow the lawn, watch the kids, etc. etc., I felt FAR from alone--and I thank my AH for having the courage to step up like that. So, see what he wants to do as far as that goes. Take people's opinions with a grain of salt, and if they're dysfunctional themselves, just consider the source. I've found that when you are in the middle of making the right decision, and you commit to that decision, somehow a peace comes with that that gives you strength when you need it, and the ability to tell people mentally to bug off when you they give you a hard time.

I wish you well! Take time for yourself, make this time alone work for you!