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How to stop stbxah from coming home

Old 09-06-2011, 11:10 PM
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How to stop stbxah from coming home

stbxah does not respect boundaries - he pushes and pushes and pushes, that is his personality. I refused to tell him my home address for a long time, he somehow found out. My mom came home to help, a week ago. When I was at work and kids were at school, stbxah knocked on the door and met with mom (she opened the door without suspecting it could be him). When I learnt of the visit, I told him not to come home like that ever again. Today, I was supposed to drop the kids off at his place for visitation. He calls me late afternoon, when I was at work and says since it's visitation day, why dont we all go for dinner. I refused and said I was tired from working late last night and wanted to take it easy in the evening and was not upto going out. I said that I would drop off the kids at his place and maybe we could do dinner next time. He tried to insist and I refused. According to our temporary visitation schedule, he is not supposed to drive with the kids and he is not supposed to drink 4hrs before and during the visit. So, I start from work and am almost home, when I receive a call from my 10 year old saying that stbxah is at home and that he wants to take them (the kids) out for dinner. I said no, please wait till I come home - I am almost there. I reach home, stbxah is sitting on the couch chatting with the kids (and mom). I ask the kids and my mom to go into another room and then ask stbxah what the h** he is doing at home when I repeatedly told him not to come home..I asked him to leave and he left. I dropped the kids off later for the visitation. I told him again when I went to pick up the kids that he should not be coming home unannouced like that..

Now, my question is, what are my options if he tries to come home unannounced like this again? I am especially concerned about the times when I won't be home. The kids come home from school (my ex babysitter picks them up from school and drops them home) and my mom and my kids are alone at home till I come back from work at around 6ish..What should I do? What can my mom do?

He has never been physically violent but this behaviour is starting to seem creepy and stalkerish to me. He has been trying to convince me to stop the divorce proceedings and I have been refusing..

Thanks.
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Old 09-07-2011, 01:25 AM
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BeProactive,
(((HUGS)))

I havent gone through this but wise people will come along soon. There has to be a solution. I have experience with a stalkerish ex who calls and calls and calls and calls even when I have told repeatedly to leave me alone. He just doesn´t get it. I know how frustrating this is.
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:23 AM
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Hi BP,

Forgive me that I'm not clear on the details....you moved to your own home with the kids, right? He is not on the lease/mortgage?

If I were in your shoes, I would continue to calmly insist that he respect my rules in my house that I am paying for. I think that as long as you don't give in to his manipulation, he will eventually give up this game.

I think you handled it very well by having your mom and the kids leave the room while you spoke to him in private and then insisted on conducting the evening the way you had agreed upon before.

Huge hugs, HG
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:36 AM
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I'm confused too. You say you moved, but you keep saying he's coming "home." If you have moved, your place is not his home, and you have every right to do whatever necessary to keep him from just dropping in. First would be to tell your mother in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome and not to open the door if he comes by.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:18 AM
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Yes, I moved. It is my home - his name is not on the lease.. First time, mom did not know it was him and opened the door and second time the door was open (the maintance guy was in trying to fix the water heater and he just walked in). I told my mom not to open the door unless she checks who it is..I hate having to be careful about opening doors and being fearful..

I was wondering whether there is anything legally that I can do to make him not come to my home..I will ask my lawyer today..
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:53 AM
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He has no more right to just walk into your home than he has to just walk into a stranger's home. He does not live there, has never lived there, so you can call the police if he continues to do this. Yes, by all means, speak with your attorney about this.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:31 AM
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Call the police station and ask if you can notify him that he is trespassing and have him arrested if he does it again. That is what I had to do to exah to stop him from coming in my house when I wasn't home. If that does not work you might have to file for a restraining order.
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Old 09-07-2011, 10:33 PM
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Thanks Anvilhead and hadenoughnow.

hadenoughnow - sorry it had to come to that with your ex.

Anvilhead - As I mentioned previously, stbxah does not respect boundaries/rules at all.... I, the codependent, have struggled with boundaries all my life and only now slowly learning to have boundaries and stick to them.. My sister mentioned the same - that I need to be really firm with him. I felt defensive and hurt when she said that but there was truth in it..I will work on the firmess..He is an extremely difficult personality as well..If it had been me, I would never go to anyone's house if they specifically told me not to come..
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Old 09-08-2011, 08:10 PM
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He isn't you...

...he's him. Start assuming at all times that he will act like him, not that he will act like you.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by BeProactive View Post
He is an extremely difficult personality as well..If it had been me, I would never go to anyone's house if they specifically told me not to come..
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