rorty

Help me find the courage to say goodbye to my ex-recovering alcoholic girlfriend for now. My recovery is going really well. I am finding answers to questions that I have spent years searching for. I am surrounded by friends. Inspiration is returning to me. So is the urge for an adventure.

I will be moving to SF in October. I will be leaving my job and my life here (in Central California) because I want to. I feel the courage for a change in my heart. So, I have to tell the ex. Right now I feel fear for her; that she will freak. But my fear is just an emotion, it will pass.

In an Al-anon packet I have it says: an alcoholic must learn to answer for herself in a world where alcohol is served. I feel that an alcoholic must also find strength to answer for herself in the changes that people around her choose to make.

I do love her but I cannot deny my lust for fun an adventure any longer. I have to live vicariously through my own heart and dreams. I have passed up too many opportunities to feel alive. I have to take this one. Sorry babe

LifeRecovery

I am not a very religious person, but what has helped me was realizing that I had a higher power of my own, and that the people I love in addiction had their own higher power.

For me that somehow took the responsibility of their life and choices off of me and onto them. It helped me to realize that I was not "doing" something to them, but "doing" something for me. That is really different, and it took a weight off my shoulders.

Good for you for living your dreams.

Willybluedog

My dad has stayed with my mom for over 50 years because he is afraid she will crash if he leaves her to pursue his own happiness, please don't be that person.

You don't have to come up with any grand words, all you have to do is tell her you are doing it for yourself. She will be mad, she may cry, scream and yell but you have got to take care of you and she has got to be responsible for her decisions.

Maybe she will surprise you and get herself straightened out, but remember that is soley up to her.

I hope you make wonderful new friends and have many great adventures.

rorty

I have been accused of being a jerk tonight, not by her. I have not asked to see her in a few weeks even though she and I are supposed be "friends." I know that the people here at SR understand detachment. I suppose EVERYONE is entitled to their own opinion.

I haven't seen her because I do not identify with a friendship role. I am her ex-boyfriend. I identify with her in a sexual, loving emotional way. Since we simply cannot be this way right now I accept her terms and maintain my distance.

TakingCharge999

rorty,

Why do you have to tell her about your plans? She is an ex. You don't "have to" anything. You are a free soul.

I was told I was a loser because my XABF had a new GF like, days after we broke up, and he arrived at work one day with the same clothes, messy hair and a huge smile on his face. And someone told me I was a loser for feeling upset about it.

So, anyway, this is to tell you others can have their opinions, and they don't have the complete picture, they might 'take sides', or project their stuff into you... the only ones who know what happened are the two involved in the relationship... (and when its with an addict, I guess its only one person that knows what it really is like...)

Go for your dreams, you don't need anyone's permission, you don't need to inform anyone, you don't need to justify anything, you don't need anyone's approval, and you don't need the huge weight of judgment passed to you by anyone else (nor by yourself).

In therapy we write labels from others and from ourselves (both defects and qualities... ANY label that we relate to ourselves) then burn them. So you can write "jerk" in a paper and burn it, this can help you let it go.

You are rorty. No harmful labels attached, for either good or bad. Period.

Today I realized people are always talking about each other and making judgments of other people's characters. What an incredible loss of time.

Go for it. Get better friends When I left XABF, I stopped talking to anyone that knew him, too. My sanity was first (still is). Now I got new friends and I can relax as no one knows XABF nor cares, no one is an addict, no one is dealing with an addict. And we can talk about sports and spas and trips and artistic projects and music and good food, what life was supposed to be about in the first place. Now 3 years later, I realize those "friends" were not good people after all. I don't miss anyone.

Your plans sound exciting! all the best.

dollydo

Rant & Vent away.

Ignore those who have not walked in your shoes.

m1k3

Sounds to me like you have already said goodbye. No need to drag it out. Move on and enjoy your life. You can borrow my current mantra if you like, but I do want it back

It's my life and life is good.

It reminds me of my change in focus (me) and attitude (life is good).

Your friend,

SoaringSpirits

rorty, wish her well and be on your way. That's all you can do. Your focus is on being a healthy man with happiness and good boundaries. This will serve you well as you move forward with your life and other people in it.

As a fellow Bay Area resident, congrats on the upcoming move! I lived in SF for years and loved it. Check out the Noe Valley area, it's a great area to live in as you can walk to 24th street for restaurants, coffee, music. It's a great city in which to reinvent yourself.

rorty

Thanks guys . I did actually bump into her today and all she did was complain about her new job (which I helped her get). And as always, she was in that very selfish, negative, controlling mind frame where all that matters are her and her pride. It was short, I didn't mention moving. It was a reminder to me why I let go in the first place.

sugarbear1

I feel for you and your situation. You definitely sound like you know what you need to do. I applaud you! May you continue to grow and enjoy your journey!

So many people can learn from you! Peace