Garden Godzilla

Old 09-05-2011, 11:42 AM
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Garden Godzilla

My Mom came to visit yesterday, so she, my son and I went running around and out to eat. AH had plans at his parents' house, so he and my stepson were gone.

We all went to bed around midnight, and not too long after that, he and my stepson came in and went to bed.

This morning, my mom asked me what had happened last night? My plants were all smashed.

Well, apparently, at some point last night, my AH FELL OFF the back porch and into my garden, killing what was left of my tomato plants (the 110 degree heat has killed the rest), and some of my peppers. The tomato cage, and my wire edging were flat as pancakes.

This was of course hugely hilarious to him. Not a hint of remorse or embarrassment.

I have to admit that I found it a little funny myself, thinking of him sprawled out on the ground, but mostly sad.

And TERRIFYING, when I think about the fact that this means he was probably smashed driving home, and he had his son with him. AND his parents let him leave the house like that, which means they either couldn't tell, or he is just that good at hiding it.

This just HAS to stop.


I have since been cleaning out the garage and sorting through what I'm going to keep, and what I need to get rid of when I move out.


I'm really looking forward to a fresh start.


What's really worrying me now, is knowing that he will do the same thing with MY son in the car when we're not together.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
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Old 09-05-2011, 01:48 PM
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Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Your credit is already in the dumpster, so why not move back with your parents? That way you will not have to worry about your husband driving drunk with your child in the car.

If he hops in the car drunk and you are around, I would call the cops and have him arrested before he kills someone.
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Old 09-05-2011, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Your credit is already in the dumpster, so why not move back with your parents? That way you will not have to worry about your husband driving drunk with your child in the car.
I am in the planning/arranging stages. I am most definitely on my way out.

Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
If he hops in the car drunk and you are around, I would call the cops and have him arrested before he kills someone.
I plan to.

What I'm really worried about is when I leave, and he has visitation. I can't be there to stop him then. It's terrifying to me.
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Old 09-05-2011, 04:06 PM
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What I'm really worried about is when I leave, and he has visitation. I can't be there to stop him then. It's terrifying to me.
You get the 'visitation' SET BY THE COURT and that it is SUPERVISED VISITATION only by a 3rd party, sometimes even the party is named in the COURT ORDER.

The courts can be YOUR FRIEND.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-05-2011, 05:17 PM
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The week when my husband fell off the wagon at day 56 out of 60 in an outpatient program was the same day ("I was so worried about you" bs) that I got very sick with a weird virus and had to be admitted to the hospital for a few days. My teenagers were great kids and visited me every day and brought me home. My husband managed to NOT WATER any of my beautiful hanging plants on the front porch that I so carefully nurtured all summer. I come home and saw all my beautiful flowers dried and dead. I just broke down and cried. It was so sad and symbolic of our marriage and his alcoholism. And so he sits in rehab now.

I was able to save a few of the potted plants and the season is almost over here in the NE. I had to dust myself off and lean on my new Alanon tools and move forward. Your story reminds me of mine. Use the tools. Detachment and new rules.
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Old 09-06-2011, 04:53 AM
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Last night was a doozie. I didn't actually see how much he had to drink. I only saw one bottle today, but I'm pretty sure there were at least 2 had. He was trying to be sly. Anyway, he passed out relatively early, and then around 10 rolled off the bed onto the floor. Never even woke up. About 11:30 I heard gurgling, so I checked on him.

He was on his back throwing up. I rolled him over and he continued on for about 20 minutes before managing to get up and fall into the bathroom.

I haven't seen him this way in a while. I was pretty sure that this was going to be the end, and I was going to wake up to his body this morning.

He was in the bathroom for at least an hour falling all over the place and huffing and puffing. It was awful. I laid in bed listening and crying.

When he finally came out, he laughed and fell into bed and immediately tried to put his barf covered arms around me to cuddle! I jumped out of bed and said "Hell NO". Grabbed a pillow and some blankets and made a pallet in my sons room.

My wonderful dog was already in there standing guard. She's amazing.


So my son, the dog and I slept in the baby's room.


He lived through the night, and actually got up and went to work this morning.
When I come home after work today, I'm going to lay it out for him.

He's done, or I'm gone.


I CAN NOT do this anymore.
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Old 09-06-2011, 06:16 AM
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I'm sorry Caged. That is no way to live
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
He's done, or I'm gone.

I CAN NOT do this anymore.
He's obviously nowhere near "done", and IMO, threatening him (with the possibility of leaving him) into "being done" isn't going to have a positive effect.

Remember: you can't control his drinking nor can you cure it.

I'm glad you've hit *your* bottom and that you're making plans to leave. Laurie is right: you can demand supervised visitation until he has completed treatment and has proven himself capable of caring for your child. In my custody order, exAH was ordered not to consumme alcohol in the 24 hours prior to visitation. Obviously, the onus was on me to prove that he was drunk when I dropped her off, but he made it easy on me by making radical demands for visitation and then disappearing when I cut him off.

It will be ok. One step at a time. First off, make SAFE plans to leave. Talk to several lawyers about custody and divorce.

Keep posting! SR is always open.
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:36 AM
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I have since rethought the ultimatum thing. I know even if he says he'll quit, he wont... and at this point I don't think I would stay even if he does.

I have wasted so many years here.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
I have since rethought the ultimatum thing. I know even if he says he'll quit, he wont... and at this point I don't think I would stay even if he does.

I have wasted so many years here.
You are coming to important realizations CagedBird; don't dismiss them. They are crucial in helping you move forward. I applaud you for being so honest with yourself.

As for the years you have "wasted", I tend to disagree. As unpleasant as they have been, those years were necessary for you to come to this point in your life. You probably wouldn't be ready and willing to leave had you not gone through what you've been through. Time to start looking at what's ahead of you: a new beginning.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:40 AM
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I just left my AH... The visitation thing is SCARY!!!! The first visit he drank and drove with my 9 year old. She came home very upset with him. When it came time to visit again, she flat out refused to get in the car with him! Kids are not stupid, (i do not know how old your are) they will learn to set thier boundries! Now I do all the driving, but I know my baby is safe!

P.S. Leaving is SO worth it!!!
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:42 AM
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Mine is 2.

He's all I'm worried about.
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Old 09-06-2011, 12:42 PM
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I've sent off requests for consultations with 3 family law firms in town.


Here we go.


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Old 09-06-2011, 01:21 PM
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You can do this! We're here for you.



I strongly recommend you prepare for your consultations by having:
a) a point form description of your situation (time married, number of kids, your estimated yearly income, his income, his alcoholism, etc)
b) a list of point form questions to ask. Brainstorm about anything and everything you're worried about, categorize and write down point form. Here are some examples:
*What is the process of legal separation and divorce (specific time frame and delays)?
*What is my state/province's tendency with regards to custody (sole with visitation, joint)?
*What is involved in obtaining supervised visitation given my partner's history of alcohol abuse?
*What will be my financial responsibilities with regards to this divorce (common debt, etc)?
*Can I get use of the family home by asking my spouse to leave?
*Will there be repercussions with regards to custody if *I* leave the family home with my child?
*What is your hourly rate?
*How would you approach a case like mine?

You can either jot down notes or record the consultation so you can review the tape afterward. By preparing like this, you can get the most out of every consultation and compare each lawyer.
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