Newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Newbie
Hi, everybody! I'm so glad to have this website. I joined al anon a few weeks ago and just asked one of the members to be my sponsor. I am invested in focusing on myself and diving in....it's just difficult.
I allowed my fiance to move in way too quickly about 2 years ago. This weekend would be our anniversary. We knew each other in college...he was so sweet. We lost touch and, two years ago, reunited on FB of all things.LOL
We emailed, txtd, talked on the phone for months before I flew to visit him. He was planning to move back to Ohio soon because he has a daughter and he missed her very much. We had wonderful talks about expectations within a relationship, deal breakers, and money. We compared all of that and discovered we both had the same deal breakers: active addictions and infidelity.
I flew to see him Labor Day weekend and he proposed immediately. I remember having this feeling that this was not ok. But I ignored it because I convinced myself that I KNEW this sweet guy for a long time. I allowed him to move in one month later. During that first month I discovered active alcoholism and narcotics addiction. We got through the withdrawals ok, but he resumed the drinking very soon after. A few months later my suspicion of porn addiction was confirmed. We tried couples counseling with my former therapist but he only went to appease me. The lying, arguments, money problems, lack of sex or intimacy, his constant complaining about my house and blaming me for feeling emasculated all led to me drawing a line in the sand last month. I told him he has to get help or move out.
He became very angry with my ultimatum. It didn't matter that I decided this to take care of myself and that it was unfair for him to commit suicide slowly and force me to watch it. The choices I gave him became all about him losing alcohol and that I probably want to cheat on him.
Last week he decided to not come home. When he did contact me he said he would be coming home to pack his things. I decided to help him because I believed this would be the day he moves out. Welp, it must have been a manipulative intervention because he did not expect this and became very angry; and I was painting the dining room instead of pining for him. He said he would never come back to live with me, if we dated I would have to walk to the street to his car as he would never drive up the driveway, and I was to apologize for my part in all of this. At the end of the hour, I was an out of control mess.....I didn't plan it to be this way. What al anon meetings?!LOL We were both screaming at each other. Me telling him I don't know what he expected to have happened in reference to his active addictions and behavior, and him telling me how badly I make him feel about himself. Even though I know I made a concerted effort the last two months of not talking to him about his alcoholism and just doing my own thing. Guess he felt like I stopped loving him when I found myself again....
He's coming tomorrow to pick up the rest of his clothes. He has stuff in my basement that I agreed to keep for a month or two....since we will continue to stay in touch. He has a therapist he has been seeing for 3 months now. He can't stand AA and says it's not for him.
I do love him. I have picked up on his way to show me love, not that it makes up for our lack of sex life or intimacy. I understand how hard this is for him. I doubt that he has been clean since he has moved out....especially since I smelled alcohol on him during the last horrible fight. He's losing me, his family has given up on him, and, now his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him after seeing him inebriated on his birthday. Sometimes I ask myself, "What the F*** am I doing?!" Other times I do miss him. I guess I just feel all around crazy.
I allowed my fiance to move in way too quickly about 2 years ago. This weekend would be our anniversary. We knew each other in college...he was so sweet. We lost touch and, two years ago, reunited on FB of all things.LOL
We emailed, txtd, talked on the phone for months before I flew to visit him. He was planning to move back to Ohio soon because he has a daughter and he missed her very much. We had wonderful talks about expectations within a relationship, deal breakers, and money. We compared all of that and discovered we both had the same deal breakers: active addictions and infidelity.
I flew to see him Labor Day weekend and he proposed immediately. I remember having this feeling that this was not ok. But I ignored it because I convinced myself that I KNEW this sweet guy for a long time. I allowed him to move in one month later. During that first month I discovered active alcoholism and narcotics addiction. We got through the withdrawals ok, but he resumed the drinking very soon after. A few months later my suspicion of porn addiction was confirmed. We tried couples counseling with my former therapist but he only went to appease me. The lying, arguments, money problems, lack of sex or intimacy, his constant complaining about my house and blaming me for feeling emasculated all led to me drawing a line in the sand last month. I told him he has to get help or move out.
He became very angry with my ultimatum. It didn't matter that I decided this to take care of myself and that it was unfair for him to commit suicide slowly and force me to watch it. The choices I gave him became all about him losing alcohol and that I probably want to cheat on him.
Last week he decided to not come home. When he did contact me he said he would be coming home to pack his things. I decided to help him because I believed this would be the day he moves out. Welp, it must have been a manipulative intervention because he did not expect this and became very angry; and I was painting the dining room instead of pining for him. He said he would never come back to live with me, if we dated I would have to walk to the street to his car as he would never drive up the driveway, and I was to apologize for my part in all of this. At the end of the hour, I was an out of control mess.....I didn't plan it to be this way. What al anon meetings?!LOL We were both screaming at each other. Me telling him I don't know what he expected to have happened in reference to his active addictions and behavior, and him telling me how badly I make him feel about himself. Even though I know I made a concerted effort the last two months of not talking to him about his alcoholism and just doing my own thing. Guess he felt like I stopped loving him when I found myself again....
He's coming tomorrow to pick up the rest of his clothes. He has stuff in my basement that I agreed to keep for a month or two....since we will continue to stay in touch. He has a therapist he has been seeing for 3 months now. He can't stand AA and says it's not for him.
I do love him. I have picked up on his way to show me love, not that it makes up for our lack of sex life or intimacy. I understand how hard this is for him. I doubt that he has been clean since he has moved out....especially since I smelled alcohol on him during the last horrible fight. He's losing me, his family has given up on him, and, now his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him after seeing him inebriated on his birthday. Sometimes I ask myself, "What the F*** am I doing?!" Other times I do miss him. I guess I just feel all around crazy.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome Halvsie!
Man, I HATE when I get sucked into the drama and manipulation. I work a good al-anon recovery and suddenly BAM... I'm riding the merry-go-round!! WTF?!?! It sucks. But the good news is that I am aware, educated on addiction, and now have the same tools you do to straighten myself back out and continue on to a health life, for me.
It's time to let him go and focus on you. He is not sober, no where near wanting to be sober or work a recovery program. Let him go and yourself! You can still love him... But from a safe distance!!
I'm glad you're here... Keep posting!!
Shannon
Man, I HATE when I get sucked into the drama and manipulation. I work a good al-anon recovery and suddenly BAM... I'm riding the merry-go-round!! WTF?!?! It sucks. But the good news is that I am aware, educated on addiction, and now have the same tools you do to straighten myself back out and continue on to a health life, for me.
It's time to let him go and focus on you. He is not sober, no where near wanting to be sober or work a recovery program. Let him go and yourself! You can still love him... But from a safe distance!!
I'm glad you're here... Keep posting!!
Shannon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Thank you, Shannon! That's exactly what I told him: "I can love you if you live somewhere else" and "You can drink but it has to be somewhere else." Some days I feel really strong, but, today it's especially hard. I think it hit me when I realized the date. I really believed him and it's hard not to feel so stupid.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Yeah, I understand the whole feeling stupid thing too. But, it's not stupidity... It's inexperience. I did what I did based on what I understood at that time. Now, I have a deeper understanding, and can make better choices. Better choices... Not perfect choices... Just better. I am learning to be more patient, kind, and loving to myself.... Because addiction has done a number on me! So, each time I slip, it's a chance to relearn a lesson, practice an al-anon tool!! What a great gift to myself - growth!
My life becomes so much more peaceful and happy when I remember to turn it over!! Anytime I am feeling down and out... It's time for a gratitude list!
What are you grateful for today?
My life becomes so much more peaceful and happy when I remember to turn it over!! Anytime I am feeling down and out... It's time for a gratitude list!
What are you grateful for today?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
I am grateful that I had time to clean my kitchen. And I mean REALLY clean that kitchen. I am grateful that I had time to paint my dining room and will be able to finish it this week. I am grateful for the chocolate in my fridge. I am grateful for no arguments today. I am grateful that I found someone who will rip out the old chainlink fence for me for free. Mostly, I have realized, I am grateful for all the time I have had this weekend. Even if I spent yesterday laying around, I chose to do it without interruption.
Does the gratitude eventually overcome the grief? I wish it would sooner.
Does the gratitude eventually overcome the grief? I wish it would sooner.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I like your gratitude list! It is impressive that you find so many wonderful points of your life to be thankful for!
You are going to be ok!
The grieving takes as long as it takes. (I know that's not a solid answer, but it's true)
I found help in reading Melody Beatties "Codependent No More", as she wrote a chapter on the stages of grief in ready to apply language.
Your therapist may also be a source of support and information as you grieve the end of the relationship and the dream of what could have been.
Keep taking care of yourself - you are worth the effort!
(((hugs)))
I like your gratitude list! It is impressive that you find so many wonderful points of your life to be thankful for!
You are going to be ok!
The grieving takes as long as it takes. (I know that's not a solid answer, but it's true)
I found help in reading Melody Beatties "Codependent No More", as she wrote a chapter on the stages of grief in ready to apply language.
Your therapist may also be a source of support and information as you grieve the end of the relationship and the dream of what could have been.
Keep taking care of yourself - you are worth the effort!
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome!
Do not feel stupid ... what you are experiencing and feeling is very normal. When we have been in an intimate relationship with someone our hormones and brain chemicals actually have a huge effect on our emotions ... combined with our emotional attachment feelings can bet very crazy!
I will tell you about my my best friend's divorce. If you met her you would be amazed ... she is gorgeous, smart and is a self made multi-millionaire. She had been in an unhappy marriage for 15 years and was not in love with her husband ... in fact, she herself said that it was so bad she couldn't stand to hear him breathing!
Fast forward to the seperation and divorce ... she lost it! I mean completely! She was depressed, crying and later told me she was even suicidal! She tried to reconcile but he said no. She went into counseling and I helped her through this time with constant phone calls and she spent a lot of time at my house on my couch.
I was stunned by all of this... she hated the guy! They were completely incompatible. She wanted the divorce but her body (brain chemicals and hormones) slammed her into the wall and she was a complete mess.
This went on for a period of 6 weeks. Now fast forward to today:
She is happier than she has ever been. In fact, she had a really, really great friend who she had known in business for over 20 years who lost his wife to cancer last year and they are dating. He is also an extremely successful person and a simply wonderful fairy tale kind of guy whose idea of a date is to fly you to some exotic place and provide you with your own suite and not expect anything other than your company! He wined and dined her around the globe for a few months and recently she asked him to only book one room!
Remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts asks the cute little prostitute if anyone ever get the fairy tale? After pondering and pondering and pondering she replies "Yeah... Cinderf......rella!!!
But... it does happen!!! I watched my girlfriend go from suicidal to blissfully happy in love in a period of 6 months!!! And the guy she is with now is solid as a rock... financially secure and retired, smart as a whip, funny, dependable, loves his family and grandchildren and spends a lot of time with them... no surprises, no addictions, no issues! They DO exist...rare but they are out there!!!
Now... that doesn't mean that you automatically will get flown to exotic locales by gorgeous GQ cover guys but it does mean that we can learn from our mistakes ... get healthy perspectives on ourselves and our goals in relationships... avoid toxic men and relationships and be happy alone or with someone when and if the RIGHT guy comes along!!!
Hope my fairytale friend inspires everyone to raise the bar for ourselves ... we deserve better!
Do not feel stupid ... what you are experiencing and feeling is very normal. When we have been in an intimate relationship with someone our hormones and brain chemicals actually have a huge effect on our emotions ... combined with our emotional attachment feelings can bet very crazy!
I will tell you about my my best friend's divorce. If you met her you would be amazed ... she is gorgeous, smart and is a self made multi-millionaire. She had been in an unhappy marriage for 15 years and was not in love with her husband ... in fact, she herself said that it was so bad she couldn't stand to hear him breathing!
Fast forward to the seperation and divorce ... she lost it! I mean completely! She was depressed, crying and later told me she was even suicidal! She tried to reconcile but he said no. She went into counseling and I helped her through this time with constant phone calls and she spent a lot of time at my house on my couch.
I was stunned by all of this... she hated the guy! They were completely incompatible. She wanted the divorce but her body (brain chemicals and hormones) slammed her into the wall and she was a complete mess.
This went on for a period of 6 weeks. Now fast forward to today:
She is happier than she has ever been. In fact, she had a really, really great friend who she had known in business for over 20 years who lost his wife to cancer last year and they are dating. He is also an extremely successful person and a simply wonderful fairy tale kind of guy whose idea of a date is to fly you to some exotic place and provide you with your own suite and not expect anything other than your company! He wined and dined her around the globe for a few months and recently she asked him to only book one room!
Remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts asks the cute little prostitute if anyone ever get the fairy tale? After pondering and pondering and pondering she replies "Yeah... Cinderf......rella!!!
But... it does happen!!! I watched my girlfriend go from suicidal to blissfully happy in love in a period of 6 months!!! And the guy she is with now is solid as a rock... financially secure and retired, smart as a whip, funny, dependable, loves his family and grandchildren and spends a lot of time with them... no surprises, no addictions, no issues! They DO exist...rare but they are out there!!!
Now... that doesn't mean that you automatically will get flown to exotic locales by gorgeous GQ cover guys but it does mean that we can learn from our mistakes ... get healthy perspectives on ourselves and our goals in relationships... avoid toxic men and relationships and be happy alone or with someone when and if the RIGHT guy comes along!!!
Hope my fairytale friend inspires everyone to raise the bar for ourselves ... we deserve better!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Halvsie,
No need to feel stupid, we expect people who we believe love and care for us to be honest with us but some people lie, cheat, steal, drink , do drugs, whatever and never think twice about the people in their life.
So glad you are enjoying little pleasures, it's those little things that will keep you going.
through this.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
No need to feel stupid, we expect people who we believe love and care for us to be honest with us but some people lie, cheat, steal, drink , do drugs, whatever and never think twice about the people in their life.
So glad you are enjoying little pleasures, it's those little things that will keep you going.
through this.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Thanks, everyone. It was helpful to read all the supportive posts. I know my guy has a horrible disease and he is choosing it over me which is baffling. But I couldn't even begin to understand how this all works for him.
He's accusing me of abandoning him now when he needs me most. His mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 and his daughter wants nothing to do with him. He has a marginal job which allows him to drink, so that's the only thing going for him, I guess. I'm sure he has been drinking daily; a lot daily. The worst part is trying not to reason with him because we aren't even on the same plane of reality when it comes to his disease. He can't believe how sad I am because "You wanted this" he reminds me. He can't see that he chose to drink somewhere else rather than not drink and be with me. Or, he refuses to admit it, which I think is closer to the truth.
What is the best way to avoid these crazy debates with him? Do I just not respond to him at all? I have quit trying to get him to see my take on the entire subject because it doesn't work and he loves to pick my statements apart with that oh so lovely alcoholic logic. UH! That crazy logic!! I have gotten good at shutting down those productions when he starts it up.
He's accusing me of abandoning him now when he needs me most. His mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage 4 and his daughter wants nothing to do with him. He has a marginal job which allows him to drink, so that's the only thing going for him, I guess. I'm sure he has been drinking daily; a lot daily. The worst part is trying not to reason with him because we aren't even on the same plane of reality when it comes to his disease. He can't believe how sad I am because "You wanted this" he reminds me. He can't see that he chose to drink somewhere else rather than not drink and be with me. Or, he refuses to admit it, which I think is closer to the truth.
What is the best way to avoid these crazy debates with him? Do I just not respond to him at all? I have quit trying to get him to see my take on the entire subject because it doesn't work and he loves to pick my statements apart with that oh so lovely alcoholic logic. UH! That crazy logic!! I have gotten good at shutting down those productions when he starts it up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
halvsie, quite right that you shut down those productions (they sound theatrical) because we, the receivers of the distorted logic, know that we are not conversing with rational people. My partners' answer to any remotely challenging situation? have another drink, then she hurls all sorts of abuse at me-I used to argue back, now I'm learning to walk away.
good luck.
good luck.
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