jacob83

Hi all,

Ever since my girlfriend started attending AA meetings in a recent attempt at life changing sobriety her smoking has increased from a casual habit to a 10-20 cigarette a day habit, and she can chain-smoke quite a few while on the phone. I'm worried because smoking it seems will soon completely replace drinking and nobody at AA will ever discourage the habit. They strictly mention alcohol only. In fact, most of the people there will enable or encourage smoking before, after, and during breaks. If she isn't drinking she is considered clean, addiction free, and no longer harming herself.

Should I say anything to her or not? I'm getting extremely anxious about the dynamics of the situation, it seems relapsing is practically inevitable.

I don't have the heart to tell her that her behavior without drinking isn't really any different than it was before. Will I ruin her chances at sobriety? I love her too much to congratulate her on being addiction free with a straight face, it'd be a horrible disservice, I'd be lying.

Maybe I should just wait, but it seems we are on a slippery slope, and it's so hard to climb back up. I come from a family of smokers and unfortunately know first hand that heavy smoking will kill someone just as easily as drinking.

I love her so much but need some others' opinions before I stick my foot in it and say something.

~Forever worried~

dollydo

Right now, I would cut her some slack. She is in turmoil and her emotions are jumping all over the place.

You cannot project into the future, and your awfulyzing serves no purpose.

Allow her to work her program, cigarette smoking can be addressed at a later date.

Progress not perfection.

Shirt423

I'm sure it is frustrating to you because you are seeing one addiction being replaced by another. However, while smoking long term can definitely end your life because of the cancer causing agents, you don't hear of anyone losing their jobs, causing fatal car accidents, or losing their families and friends because of the havoc they create when smoking a cigarette. Also, while alcoholism is progressive, her nicotine addiction will most likely plateau and maybe already has.

I wish her luck in her recovery, and if she really works the steps maybe her need for cigarettes will subside without much work.

Good luck with everything.

caughthiminject

I guess she is lucky that for her the smoking doesn't go hand-in-hand with drinking. It seems to have been that way for my AXBF. Five cups of coffee with several cigarettes for breakfast. Come home and 12 beers with more cigarettes, started in the car on the way home from work, or sometimes at work.

Justfor1

AA does two things well. Smoking and drinking mass amounts of coffee.

GettingBy

Yuck. I feel for you. Smoking completely grosses me out. Lung cancer runs in my family too. I lost a grandfather and uncle due to excessive smoking. Both were in their early 40s, what a shame. My dad is mega-anti smoking so I grew up not being able to stand the smell of it. There's no way I could date someone who smoked.

Step one - we are powerless over people/places/things. I can't change other people's habits. They have the right to live their life as they see fit. If how they want to be bugs me, that's my problem - not theirs.

Al-anon helps me figure out what's my business, have you considering going?

Terminally Unique

You can be reasonably certain that at best, people in AA are telling her to not to even try to quit until she has one year sober under her belt. Personally, I think that it is entirely possible to kick both at once, but if not, trying to quit smoking at 90 days sober is not going to kill anyone.

Worst case, they will go back to smoking. If they use "I wanted to smoke!" as an excuse to drink instead of buying a pack of cigarettes, then you can bet that they were not going to stay sober for long anyway.

How long has she been going?

soberlicious

I used the whole "I've got enough on my plate quitting the booze and pills, I'll deal with the smokes later" excuse. That was almost 5 years ago. I am still crankin' the butts. Smoking is gross and it's a nasty addiction...one that can easily be justified by "well at least I'm not drinking". For me anyway, smoking is much much harder than quitting alcohol and drugs although logically it should be addressed in exactly the same way.

jacob83

Thanks for the opinions guys. I guess I'm just gutted that AA meetings don't in anyway seem to change her behaviors. She just opened her eyes and raced for a smoke. It'll also be the last thing she does before bed.

Freedom1990

I am a long-term recovering alcoholic, and am trying to quit smoking now. My maternal grandfather died of emphysema, attributable to smoking a pipe all his life, so I understand your concerns.

gerryP

Jacob,

"she just open her eyes and ran for a cigarette." Yep, that's what smokers do.
I agree with the posters that suggest you cut her some slack for the time. She is newly sober and has enough going on.

Yes AA focuses on quitting alcohol only and when I attended meetings I was shocked to see the vast majority smoke and drink coffee. I doubt very much that you would see a change in your GFs behaviour and lifestyle choices if she quit smoking now anyway. Everything is a process and takes time. I know you care for your gf and want her to be healthy, but is there a control issue on your part? BTW, 10-20 cigarettes a day is not a casual habit.

jacob83

Thanks yeah, it is definitely a replacement addiction. I of course will be cutting some slack in these early days. I'm hoping for the best this time, we've been through a few months sober before a few times, but without all of the AA meetings, so I'm crossing my fingers.