Can't seem to let go/don't want to give up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12
Can't seem to let go/don't want to give up
I began to take the advice I received on here, and then things changed...after a 4day binger he checked himself into a 13±month long program. His last program was only 30days. He is committed to getting better...and I want to support him. This program is about 4hrs from where I live, and he can only have visitors on Saturdays. If I stick by him am I complicating his recovery or helping him? None of my friends/family who know about his problem support this. They tell me to "run the other way", that I "dodged a bullet." His brother is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for awhile and that gives me hope. I wouldn't want someone to leave me when I'm suffering, especially if I'm trying hard to get help. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
None of us can tell you how your support would affect him.
I just know for me that I won't ride the roller coaster with anyone anymore.
As far as his sober brother is concerned, I wouldn't base future hopes on what his brother has done. His brother is his own person, and obviously serious about his recovery.
For me, hope is based on the possible outcome of future events, and I prefer to live in the moment and see things as they are, not as I wish them to be.
Sending you hugs of support!
I just know for me that I won't ride the roller coaster with anyone anymore.
As far as his sober brother is concerned, I wouldn't base future hopes on what his brother has done. His brother is his own person, and obviously serious about his recovery.
For me, hope is based on the possible outcome of future events, and I prefer to live in the moment and see things as they are, not as I wish them to be.
Sending you hugs of support!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
If he had fallen and broken his leg, it would be compassionate of you to help him in his recovery process.
Broken bones mend with time. With proper care, there is little evidence of the pain and suffering endured during the incident.
But we are talking about recovery from addiction, not a broken bone. Addiction affects the addicted person spiritually, mentally and physically. Recovery covers all areas of the addiction. It becomes a lifestyle change, forever.
Addiction affects the loved ones too. It affects their mental health, their spirit and sometimes physical well being. They too need recovery that addresses all areas.
In my personal recovery work, I have learned to be patient. To wait for answers that will affect the rest of my life. To wait for the answers that bring me peace. And to help me understand when I am pushing too hard for answers, I was asked this question by an Alanoid (fellow alanon member):
Do you have to have this solved by 3 p.m. today?
No?
Then give yourself time to see if this is right for you.
Then give him time ot see if this is right for him.
In the meantime,
I suggest working on your recovery. Looking within for answers.
I suggest reading some of the sticky posts.
I found this. It may not apply completely to your situation, but it may give you some thing to consider:
6. Need to be Needed
Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."
That came from one of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Broken bones mend with time. With proper care, there is little evidence of the pain and suffering endured during the incident.
But we are talking about recovery from addiction, not a broken bone. Addiction affects the addicted person spiritually, mentally and physically. Recovery covers all areas of the addiction. It becomes a lifestyle change, forever.
Addiction affects the loved ones too. It affects their mental health, their spirit and sometimes physical well being. They too need recovery that addresses all areas.
In my personal recovery work, I have learned to be patient. To wait for answers that will affect the rest of my life. To wait for the answers that bring me peace. And to help me understand when I am pushing too hard for answers, I was asked this question by an Alanoid (fellow alanon member):
Do you have to have this solved by 3 p.m. today?
No?
Then give yourself time to see if this is right for you.
Then give him time ot see if this is right for him.
In the meantime,
I suggest working on your recovery. Looking within for answers.
I suggest reading some of the sticky posts.
I found this. It may not apply completely to your situation, but it may give you some thing to consider:
6. Need to be Needed
Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."
That came from one of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
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