Resentful and Angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Resentful and Angry
I have been lurking on this forum for awhile and finally got a login.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 years. When we were first married he was known as a guy who liked to drink, on occasion would have a little too much but I never thought of him as an alcoholic. I should have. His father died from alcoholism in his mid 50's. As the years went on his drinking would go in binges but he maintained his job, no DUI's. But I was enabling him in that time. Making sure he got up on time.
In that last year it had gotten worse. Sneaking booze. Bottles hidden all over the house. He claimed it was depression so he got on anti-depressants BUT they don't work when drinking. Since June I have called the ambulance three timsto take him to the hosptal to dry out. The third time was 5 days after the second time. The third time was the morning tha he was going to check into a 28 day program. He drank so much that when they did his BAC in the hospital it was over .500. He would have died on the living room floor if I hadn't called the ambulance. I called the program and told them what happened and they said they would accept him 3 days forward. I told the doctor in the ER that he needed to stay at the hospital so they put him on the psych floor to detox. I picked him up 3 days later and drove him to the rehab.
He has left us in a financial mess. Because his drinking increased he got demoted at his job and was bringing home less $$ over the last 6 months. He doesn't get sick days and although he can get disability it will take several weeks and it is less than $200 week). We are behind on the mortgage. I have an appt. with a bankruptcy attorney. I am so incredibly angry that I have to clean up this mess, ask my family for money. And as he sits in a rehab talking about his feelings, I am on the phone trying to negotiate deals with the utilities. When I dropped him off at the rehab and we were waiting to check in I wasn't saying anything he turns to me and says, "thanks for the pep talk". I looked at him in amazement and said, "and where is my G*damn peptalk". Yes, I started going to Alanon about 2 months ago and it helps but my anger is so over the top. I got a letter from him today saying that he will do anything to help out, work 7 days a week yada yada. I looked at the words and thought about asking the bankruptcy attorney sbout a good divorce attorney. He has destroyed my feelings for him. Adults make decisions. I am tired of being the adult but I have no choice. Unlike my husband.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 years. When we were first married he was known as a guy who liked to drink, on occasion would have a little too much but I never thought of him as an alcoholic. I should have. His father died from alcoholism in his mid 50's. As the years went on his drinking would go in binges but he maintained his job, no DUI's. But I was enabling him in that time. Making sure he got up on time.
In that last year it had gotten worse. Sneaking booze. Bottles hidden all over the house. He claimed it was depression so he got on anti-depressants BUT they don't work when drinking. Since June I have called the ambulance three timsto take him to the hosptal to dry out. The third time was 5 days after the second time. The third time was the morning tha he was going to check into a 28 day program. He drank so much that when they did his BAC in the hospital it was over .500. He would have died on the living room floor if I hadn't called the ambulance. I called the program and told them what happened and they said they would accept him 3 days forward. I told the doctor in the ER that he needed to stay at the hospital so they put him on the psych floor to detox. I picked him up 3 days later and drove him to the rehab.
He has left us in a financial mess. Because his drinking increased he got demoted at his job and was bringing home less $$ over the last 6 months. He doesn't get sick days and although he can get disability it will take several weeks and it is less than $200 week). We are behind on the mortgage. I have an appt. with a bankruptcy attorney. I am so incredibly angry that I have to clean up this mess, ask my family for money. And as he sits in a rehab talking about his feelings, I am on the phone trying to negotiate deals with the utilities. When I dropped him off at the rehab and we were waiting to check in I wasn't saying anything he turns to me and says, "thanks for the pep talk". I looked at him in amazement and said, "and where is my G*damn peptalk". Yes, I started going to Alanon about 2 months ago and it helps but my anger is so over the top. I got a letter from him today saying that he will do anything to help out, work 7 days a week yada yada. I looked at the words and thought about asking the bankruptcy attorney sbout a good divorce attorney. He has destroyed my feelings for him. Adults make decisions. I am tired of being the adult but I have no choice. Unlike my husband.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Winnie, I am very sorry to hear what you are living. You have come to a good place, SR. Lots of support, and wisdom on these threads. Keep reading and posting. You are not alone.
It is so hard to process the true hell this disease brings to the family. You sound like you are taking care of business as a responsible adult would. I never counted on XA for anything, in the end, I was impressed that he could tie his own shoes.
Sending you strength as you deal with it "all"....................
It is so hard to process the true hell this disease brings to the family. You sound like you are taking care of business as a responsible adult would. I never counted on XA for anything, in the end, I was impressed that he could tie his own shoes.
Sending you strength as you deal with it "all"....................
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Welcome Winnie,
I can relate to what you are feeling. My STBXAH rare worked during the time we were married. It was usually under the table. His priority when he did get paid was a bag of pot and his beers and his whiskey that he hid.
He got sued. I had to pay that. He went to school. I had to pay for that. He didn't do anything with his plumber's liscense. I work fulltime and took are of the house and kids, etc. I have had to take out a couple equity loans on the house.
I'm in the process of filing bankruptcy now. My date is September 22 with the trustee. We previously filed in 1997. Didn't I learn the first time. Because of a couple situations and his not working most of the time I relied on credit cards to pay for food, bill, etc. So bankruptcy was the result.
We have been married 20 this year and I have finally contacted a divorce lawyer. I have retained her. He is living in my basement right now.
He we be served with orders to vacate after we see the trustee on the 22nd. Since I have seen the lawyer and started the proceedings I feel pretty good. I have my moments but my good ones outweigh my bad moments.
I understand how you feel. I feel like I was always giving him pep talks. Trying to make him feel better. When I need a pep talk he quickly changed it all about himself.
I am so done being the responsible one. Always making sure bills, mortgage is paid. Buying and putting food on table. Cleaning. Driving kids here and there. And he would just sit in basement drinking or sit on couch in living room watching TV watching me clean.
It's funny. I have said the same thing. I'm tired of being the adult in this relationship. It seems like I was a mother to 3 teenagers.
This disease is awful!! It's progressive and all I see is my SBTXAH going downhill. He has health issues now. He is on SSDI now. $700 a month. And he says it's his money. I guess my paycheck is ours.
Keep reading and post. There are many people here who have helped me and are helping me now. You are definately not alone and your feelings are not crazy.
If you want you can PM about the bankruptcy and divorce lawyers. I'd be happy to talk with you.
Stay reading. Here will help you immensely.
I can relate to what you are feeling. My STBXAH rare worked during the time we were married. It was usually under the table. His priority when he did get paid was a bag of pot and his beers and his whiskey that he hid.
He got sued. I had to pay that. He went to school. I had to pay for that. He didn't do anything with his plumber's liscense. I work fulltime and took are of the house and kids, etc. I have had to take out a couple equity loans on the house.
I'm in the process of filing bankruptcy now. My date is September 22 with the trustee. We previously filed in 1997. Didn't I learn the first time. Because of a couple situations and his not working most of the time I relied on credit cards to pay for food, bill, etc. So bankruptcy was the result.
We have been married 20 this year and I have finally contacted a divorce lawyer. I have retained her. He is living in my basement right now.
He we be served with orders to vacate after we see the trustee on the 22nd. Since I have seen the lawyer and started the proceedings I feel pretty good. I have my moments but my good ones outweigh my bad moments.
I understand how you feel. I feel like I was always giving him pep talks. Trying to make him feel better. When I need a pep talk he quickly changed it all about himself.
I am so done being the responsible one. Always making sure bills, mortgage is paid. Buying and putting food on table. Cleaning. Driving kids here and there. And he would just sit in basement drinking or sit on couch in living room watching TV watching me clean.
It's funny. I have said the same thing. I'm tired of being the adult in this relationship. It seems like I was a mother to 3 teenagers.
This disease is awful!! It's progressive and all I see is my SBTXAH going downhill. He has health issues now. He is on SSDI now. $700 a month. And he says it's his money. I guess my paycheck is ours.
Keep reading and post. There are many people here who have helped me and are helping me now. You are definately not alone and your feelings are not crazy.
If you want you can PM about the bankruptcy and divorce lawyers. I'd be happy to talk with you.
Stay reading. Here will help you immensely.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
After only 1.5 years with my XABF, I can say that I am so relieved that we are not living together anymore and I am not depending on him for any financial reasons. I am a single parent of two girls from my previous marriage and the finances are tough, but at least I am in control of my own destiny and don't have anyone to support but me and my girls.
Being a single parent is hard at times, but nowhere near as hard as living with an alcoholic. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it's true. Even on the hardest days when I'm exhausted from everything as a single parent, I still feel happy and confident when I go to bed that I will get up the next morning and have the strength and confidence to have a better day and be content. My relationships with my children, family and friends are a source of support, and without the emotional drain of the alcoholic, I feel much stronger.
If you asked me two years ago if I would be happy and strong as a single parent, I wouldn't have believed it. Now I know that things can work out well even when times are tough. Do what's best for you. Don't be afraid of the unknown. You might just be surprised at where life takes you.
Being a single parent is hard at times, but nowhere near as hard as living with an alcoholic. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it's true. Even on the hardest days when I'm exhausted from everything as a single parent, I still feel happy and confident when I go to bed that I will get up the next morning and have the strength and confidence to have a better day and be content. My relationships with my children, family and friends are a source of support, and without the emotional drain of the alcoholic, I feel much stronger.
If you asked me two years ago if I would be happy and strong as a single parent, I wouldn't have believed it. Now I know that things can work out well even when times are tough. Do what's best for you. Don't be afraid of the unknown. You might just be surprised at where life takes you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by winnie1202 
And as he sits in a rehab talking about his feelings, I am on the phone trying to negotiate deals with the utilities.
Have you got kids?
Re: the divorce attorney, if you're struggling financially, see if you qualify for legal aid. You could at least have an appointment with someone for help with working out a separation agreement. I see no reason why he has to come home to your mutual house at the end of the 28 days.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Winnie....my heart goes out to you.
I have experienced similar to what you are going through. It wears you down trying to "hold it all together". Having to ask for financial help from family is hard enough the first time...but when you have to ask again it is humiliating.
Keep going to alanon, it helped me. Take care
I have experienced similar to what you are going through. It wears you down trying to "hold it all together". Having to ask for financial help from family is hard enough the first time...but when you have to ask again it is humiliating.
Keep going to alanon, it helped me. Take care
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
Same boat, divorcing ah of 16 years. $$$$ very tight, Ive had to stop paying on our 2nd mortgage. I totally get your anger! Some days I just feel that it's all so unfair. We have 5 daughters (15&under) that I alone am caring for, driving everywhere, along with working. No doubt, life is very challenging without a partner.
But... As others said, I agree that this life is better than living with active alcoholism. It's true that there will b days when we r just flooded with anger. Please know you are not alone. And I get strength from knowing others are walking this path too.
For me, when I am feeling super pissed off the following helps:
Thinking that no matter how busy and stressed I am, I would rather be in my shoes than the alcoholics.
Thinking that no matter how much fun their drinking looks (my stbxah usually cheerful drinking at parties, cookouts, etc) I would not want to be in their spot!
Thinking that even though this moment may be hard, it's "real". Not the crazy state of living, talking, trying to make plans and goals with an active drinker.
Praying to help see the things I should be grateful for. I'm often so blinded with anger that I focus on the negative.
But... As others said, I agree that this life is better than living with active alcoholism. It's true that there will b days when we r just flooded with anger. Please know you are not alone. And I get strength from knowing others are walking this path too.
For me, when I am feeling super pissed off the following helps:
Thinking that no matter how busy and stressed I am, I would rather be in my shoes than the alcoholics.
Thinking that no matter how much fun their drinking looks (my stbxah usually cheerful drinking at parties, cookouts, etc) I would not want to be in their spot!
Thinking that even though this moment may be hard, it's "real". Not the crazy state of living, talking, trying to make plans and goals with an active drinker.
Praying to help see the things I should be grateful for. I'm often so blinded with anger that I focus on the negative.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I don't mean to point out the obvious but you don't actually "have" to stick around and clean up his mess. You choose to stay. He's not holding you hostage, you can leave him to it any time you want to.
I blamed my ex for making me feel how he did, for laying all the responsibility on me and for having the easy life whilst I ran around like a headless chicken and then spent the rest of my time berating him for my unhappiness. I didn't realise I actually had choices.
I blamed my ex for making me feel how he did, for laying all the responsibility on me and for having the easy life whilst I ran around like a headless chicken and then spent the rest of my time berating him for my unhappiness. I didn't realise I actually had choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Winnie
Anger is hard to get over. I keep telling myself that I am not angry, but I really, REALLY want him to be miserable. I think that is the anger I have and I don't think it is abnormal.
As long as you are responsible and make the adult decisions for him, he will happily allow you to.
Anger is hard to get over. I keep telling myself that I am not angry, but I really, REALLY want him to be miserable. I think that is the anger I have and I don't think it is abnormal.
As long as you are responsible and make the adult decisions for him, he will happily allow you to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
I have to make choices and I know it. I think I am going to tell him that he will have to live at his sister's (she has a two family house and some room) after the 28 day program is over. I don't want him here. I don't need another child. He will need to prove to me that he is ready to be an adult which means followup outpatient, getting his job back, etc. You are so right about him letting me make the adult decisions. I am tired and can't do it. When he comes home it is bringing him right back to the same enviornment. Not happenning.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Winnie, isn't it insidious the way these things creep up on you? what you thought was social drinking turns into a nightmare. Quite right that you are angry, I feel exactly that way about my partner, it's such a drain on your energy. I'm at a time in my life when I should be consolidating achievments-not dealing with someone else's crap. I mean 'someone else' - someone I used to be part of. good luck and stay strong.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 2
Winnie, please continue with your Al Anon work and let those wonderful people help you. I have been sober for a number of years, married ten years to a person who has been sober for many years, and yet I got caught up in my own stuff regarding the dry drunk things that were coming up. I began to attend Al Anon several times per week , ordinarily I go to AA, because I felt so crazy, my moods were getting pretty dark. I was not thinking about drinking but was losing trust in myself, in my recovery, and in the kind of work I do. It is truly insideous, and even if you have many years in the program, going to meetings you can still get pulled in by your inner patterns, fears, and old anger left over from the past. This situation has prompted me to do work on the past, to know the great gifts of Al Anon, ACOA, and the women I have met who care about my sanity, and help me stick close to my truth. I struggled with telling the truth about my living situation for several years, broken boundaries, no trust, financial fears. Sometimes when people are sober we can still fall into the "dis-ease". Keep on, find some really loveing and understanding people, and know that it does get much better, ODAT! GW
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