Feeling so betrayed

Old 09-03-2011, 07:00 AM
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Feeling so betrayed

I love this site, I really do. I find myself here a lot, just reading, and trying not to talk too much. I have found that while I know all of the right things to say I never practice any of it. It is frustrating to know something, and not to know how to follow it.

In the middle of May my abf and I signed a lease for an apartment, after being together since last September. We were both exited about it, but I was worried because our relationship had been tumultuous at times. He was getting a grip on his recovery and I wasn't as anxious or always worrying he would be drinking and getting into trouble like he has last winter.

I guess our major problems stem from his relationship with his ex who is the mother of their 5 year old daughter. You would think it would be apparent to someone that if their ex is living with a girl he has been dating that their relationship was over. Since I was introduced into the picture she started giving him a hard time about seeing their daughter and would only let him visit with her while she was with them as well. I had a problem with this because she always turned their conversations that were supposed to be about their daughter into conversations about why they were not together and how much she loved him.

The only problems that he and I had were based on the fact that I didn't know what was being said between them, and I tried to tell him the proper and appropriate avanues you should take with attaining visitation and on coparenting. It seemed like the more I pryed the more secretive it all became, and then the more crazy I became. I don't want to live like that, there should not be secrets in a healthy relationship.

So here is the climax, on Monday - after we had been fighting over exactly this - I came home from work to find all of his things gone. I first looked at the closest liquor stores, bars, motels, like I used to last winter when he was actively drinking. Eventually I found him, at his ex's house, but only knew he was there because I saw him walking into the house. He parked blocks away to avoid having to tell me to my face that he moved out.

I sent the gf a text asking her and him to come outside or to ask me inside because I was in shock and deserved an explaination as to what was going on. Of course she wouldn't come out, but he did, and I could tell he was mortified. He had told the xgf that I knew things were over a while ago and knew he was moving out that day. This was all a lie.

He walked with me to his car to return his phone to me (since I am the account owner) and told me he just lost faith in me and was giving up on love, but could at least be with his daughter this way. Ok, so I left.

The next day he showed up hysterically crying, I mean he could not even speak, saying how he made a huge mistake and doesn't know why he continues to ruin his life and hurt everyone. He said he should have talked to his friends from AA about it instead of acting out of fear and running away. He said they all told him he made a huge mistake.

I told him that I couldn't fix this for him, and that he shouldn't be telling someone he is going to be with them when we both know he doesn't love her and it is unfair to her, to me, to their daughter. He left, and moved back in on Tuesday night. Of course I am the one being blamed as if I knew any of this was going to happen and I feel completely betrayed as well. I tell him it will take me a while to believe anything that he says and how hurt and drained I feel.

Am I rambling? I don't know how to make this shorter, I just no that right now I do not feel good at all, that I feel like I have been living a lie and I just want to know the truth. And apparently he had been telling the ex that our relationship was not good and he just needed to tie up loose ends. He lies to appease people, he tries to say what she wants to hear so he can spend time with his little girl. It is just wrong all around. None of this makes me feel good, and it isn't fair for me to be feeling bad when I thought I was in a committed relationship with someone, that overall was happy and loving.

I don't know what kind of advice I need. I never doubted that he loves me, and I know that aside from the drama with ex we really wouldn't have issues. But I don't know how I can trust him again after this. Does trust come back? I also feel terrible because I would have prefered for this to have happened with him drinking, but the fact that he is sober makes it hit deeper. I am just lost.
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:54 AM
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He is showing you his true character. Believe him.

That may be harsh, but he's done you a favor. You are getting to see how he behaves, how he treats you and his "formers". I know it hurts, but let him go. His stuff with his EX is his stuff.

Do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself gently and try to get to the point where you see him for what he really is, not how you want him to be. Not with "if only", but the real, true reality of the situation. You deserve more than this. It hurts, but you'll get over it.
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
I know that aside from the drama with ex we really wouldn't have issues
The deal here is she will always be the mother of his daughter. That fact won't go away.
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:50 AM
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Shirt, sorry to say this but I see a big issue that has nothing to do with his x. Simply this, you don't trust him. If you did you wouldn't have said that not knowing what they were saying bothered you. IMO no trust, no relationship.
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:31 PM
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IMO. From the outside looking in, he sounds like he is manipulating the two of you (the ex and you) to get what he wants. It doesn't sound like he is willing to be in a 100% committed relationship with anyone at this point.

Aside from the birds-eye view, trust CAN come back. It takes work from both parties. It takes time, but emotional wounds will heal. If you truly love him, see him for who he is. If he proves he is trustworthy, than the good will out way the bad. You too have to work on your trust issues. Why did you have this mistrust in the first place? Why do you feel it to be necessary for you to know what him and the ex speak of in their conversations? Discover where these feeling are coming from and take a look to see if they are ligament feelings of a mistrusting issue, or perhaps an insecurity. Also, the ex will always be in the picture and will most likely always cause drama. Make sure you have your boundaries and are taking care of YOU first.
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:53 PM
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I hope this resolves well for you. As all have said, the issue with the ex and his daughter is always going to be present in one form or another. He will have to re establish trust for you in his behaviour, not in words.
He sounds like a confused and unhappy bloke, hence the drinking. I wonder if he has ever told you why he drinks. Do you think he has an issue with commitment? and if so is he always going to run away when things get tough. The bottom line at present is that you really need to look after yourself. Good luck!
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:53 PM
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I agree with all of the above posts.

You can't trust him. He's proven that.

It sounds like his ex is around to stay too. She still wants him, and being that she's his child's mother... if you stay with him, she will be in your life forever.

My husband has a child from a previous relationship, and his mother is a CONSTANT source of agitation and drama in our lives.

Follow your gut instinct. I would bet that it's telling you to run. It will hurt for a while, no doubt, but it will be 1000% better than the wasted years that may be ahead dealing with the rollercoaster he will no doubt put you through.
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Old 09-04-2011, 05:20 PM
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Thank you for all of your responses. I am going to try to process it all and will try to keep updates here. It helps and hurts at the same time to read what others have to say, because I know it is all very sensible and the truth is so easy to see when you aren't being blinded by "love".

I obviously still have trust issues, and he says he doesn't understand how I could doubt his love for me when he is choosing to be with me. Choosing to be with me is not enough. I need time to heal, and I need to see real change in how he conducts himself. The reason I feel insecure about his conversations with his ex are because in my experience people give up on tactics when they aren't getting anywhere with them. If he made it known to her that their relationship was no longer up for discussion, then wouldn't the discussions stop?

When we were fighting I actually told him that maybe he should be with his ex because she is willing to swallow any shred of decency that he feeds her while living waste deep in all of his bs. If he wants a doormat I am not the right girl for him. Of course it would be completely wrong of him to be with her, it would be for all of the wrong reasons and the daughter would end up being hurt the most by being exposed to it.

I wish I could wake up feeling like the person I used to be. Wishful thinking I know.

Thanks again
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Old 09-04-2011, 06:11 PM
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Shirt, I think you are not giving yourself enough credit here. That little voice inside your head, otherwise known as your "gut instinct" is telling you something. No trust, = no relationship. It is truly that simple.

Now is your opportunity to re- evaluate your relationship with him. I would be asking myself, What do I need to feel secure in a relationship, and can he give me this?

Going through life with the kinds of doubts you are experiencing, is absolutely no way to live, and very unhealthy. His child is always going to be in his life and so is her mama. It's is 100% your CHOICE . Actually you have the power to choose whatever you want for your life. I would be hesitant to put all my eggs in one basket with your BF.

It is so difficult to make educated decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. Often our emotions cloud the reality at hand. Wishing you the best in sorting out your feelings.
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Old 09-05-2011, 06:32 AM
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I think I've been where you are... and I think that I hung on bc even though I knew who my AH WAS right then, I wanted to believe he'd become someone different. The part of him I loved that I thought was decent, I thought with enough explaining/talking/love/support/encoragement etc... I could make that part be there all the time.

Like you I thought many times, "AH ought to be with someone who is a doormat and will accept what he gives and want nothing more". I knew that's what he was and wanted and I am NOT that woman. But I didn't want to give up on the idea of what I thought we would be.

Holding on to hope, wishing for change, focussing on the glimmer of good and ignoring the glaring bad was all very very bad for me. It made me crazy, made me obsess about whether he was lying, made my try to extract promises from him that he'd stop lying, stop saying he loved me one day and hated me the next... I clung to words and ignored actions (even when I said I wasn't).

I am currently hurting like I haven't before, heartbroken, dealing with 2 sad little girls who miss their Daddy... but I know it's best that I finally broke away. I lost myself the more I tried to save our r/s. A r/s worth being in enhances who you are and adds to your life. It doesn't make you a shell of who you were and become your whole life. I wish I'd figured that out sooner.

Sending you warm thoughts...
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Old 09-05-2011, 10:06 AM
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Not only is there no trust, there is no communication. If he can just *poof* pack up all his things and walk out with not a word about it to you, the communication is non-existent. When will you come home again to find he bailed?
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Old 09-10-2011, 07:57 AM
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There is a huge communication problem between us. When I try to talk to him about what happened, try to let him know where I am in my head and try to figure out what is going on in his - he usually ends up trying to avoid or dismiss the conversations. He said I need to learn a way to let it go if we want to move forward. How can I "let go" when I don't even really understand it yet. He also says it is times when I start rehashing the past that he starts to feel unloved and not safe in our relationship.

When do I get to feel safe in our relationship?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills!
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