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Feeling stuck both emotionally and physically

Old 09-02-2011, 10:04 AM
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Feeling stuck both emotionally and physically

Hi all!

Well just a quick update. RAH is now about 3 weeks into his 30 day rehab program. He has been going to intensive outpatient treatment and is coming home at night. The first few days he was on this natural high, very happy, thinking positive and then he went the other direction (frankly I think it was because he thought rehab=sex and it didn't). He yelled at me one morning before leaving for rehab how he couldn't live like this anymore and how I was mean etc (quacking at his best). I was and had been very calm and not the least bit mean (I was honest with the therapist during our session that at home he had been demanding and grumpy, so I think this is where the mean came in?) Anyway his case manager called me and assured me that what RAH was going through was very normal, encouraged me to try my best to be patient and loved that I attended Al-non. Since then RAH has been more focused on his recovery and seems to be more level in his emotions.

We spent 5 days totally apart. The kids and I went away for my brother's wedding. The thing that really stood out for me while on our mini vacation was how calm the kids and I were. Normally there is this tension, always some arguments, but without RAH everyone got along great. We all just went with the flow and it didn't matter what we did or when we did it. It was such a nice change. I really, really liked not having the pressure of having to deal with RAH.

Once at home this funk took over me. I have been really thinking about why. Was it just back to reality? Was it because I haven't been to a meeting in a while? After much soul searching what I came up with is I think RAH will want me to simply wipe the slate clean, chalk up all the past issues to his problems with alcohol and now that he has taken care of that we should just move on. What I know is that I can't do that. There is a path of destruction which went straight through our marriage and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I really want our marriage to get back on track, I do love him very much, but I am terrified of being hurt again. I am wise enough now to know that rehab does not always = long term recovery and I know there is always the possibility of more alcoholic craziness in our future. This is making me feel both emotionally and physically stuck. We have 3 kids, the youngest being only 7, so I feel I owe it to them to really stick this out and I pray it will have a happy ending. I worry that it will not and I worry if it doesn't where I will be then (emotionally and financially). I have thought about going back to work but while I think it would help put my worry of financially security to rest, I also know how much pressure it would place on the family, how much time I would lose with my kids, and how hectic it would make our lives. It just doesn't feel like the right thing, right now.

All of this is leaving me feeling stuck. I think I need to get my butt back to a meeting. The logical side of me know I am simply giving it up to my HP and if and when I need to make a change or a decision I will know it. It has worked pretty good for me so far and I need to have faith that it will continue to be the right thing. Meanwhile I need to calm myself and my worries, but that is not an easy task as I'm sure ALL of you know.

Thanks for giving me a place to be able to get honest with myself and my feelings. Just getting it out has moved me one step closer to the peace my mind needs.
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:35 AM
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I don't really have any advice, thoughts, or sharing but I wanted to let you know I felt many of those very same feelings. It was a heavy time, emotionally. Sending some strength and peace your way today, and wishing you and your family the very best.
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Old 09-02-2011, 12:13 PM
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The thing that really stood out for me while on our mini vacation was how calm the kids and I were. Normally there is this tension, always some arguments, but without RAH everyone got along great. We all just went with the flow and it didn't matter what we did or when we did it. It was such a nice change. I really, really liked not having the pressure of having to deal with RAH.
This was the first thing that stood out to me after I left my A(nowX)H. We lived with friends, lived in borrowed clothes for four months (because AXH wouldn't let us retrieve anything from the house), lived under a tremendous amount of stress on some level -- but we were calm, happy, laid-back, and getting along in a way I had never experienced before. Today, a year+ after the divorce, that's my normal. And I love it.

I recognize this:
We have 3 kids, the youngest being only 7, so I feel I owe it to them to really stick this out
and I will say that for me, when I got to the point where A(X)H went to rehab, it was too late for me to stick it out. He had crossed lines and done things that could not be taken back, and that could be forgiven, but never forgotten. I don't particularly hate him for those things, or hold them against him now, but when he was begging me to get back together, all I could think was "on what foundation would we build a future? All we have is misery."

I pray it will have a happy ending. I worry that it will not and I worry if it doesn't where I will be then (emotionally and financially).
I live paycheck to paycheck. Actually, right now, I'm arsedeep in debt because of lawyer fees. But it doesn't matter. I'd rather eat rice in peace than filet mignon in misery. I have an inner peace. There's a whole different level of patience and love between the kids (who used to fight like mad dogs).

I do hope that your RAH's recovery is successful. I've seen it happen. I have two good friends who have 25 and 15 years of recovery under their respective belts, whose marriages and families are intact, and whose wives I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for.

I could not go through my AXH's attempt at rehab with him. Partly because it was too late. But also, partly, because in my heart of hearts, I knew that it wasn't a serious attempt. No matter how much he claimed it was. It was an act, as everything in his life is, to manipulate people and circumstances so that he would get what he wanted.

It's one of those pieces of advice that so many people gave me, and that made no sense to me for the longest time, but that does now -- to work on myself and let him work on himself. So I'll just pass that along. Work on your recovery, let him work on his, and regardless of where his recovery leads him, you'll be in a better place than you are today.
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:39 PM
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Love this:

"I'd rather eat rice in peace than filet mignon in misery."

Thank you!
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Old 09-02-2011, 02:25 PM
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Trust takes a long time to rebuild. I had an epiphany the other day when I realized I don't trust my RAH yet...and he's almost 10 months sober. And yes, he does not want to be reminded of his failings so many things have gone unsaid. And amazingly, the apologies I did get didn't really make the emotional scars go away, either.

What helps is being able to focus on one day at a time. Stay away when he's grumpy and irritable, and enjoy the times when he is fun to be around. I practice forgiveness and compassion every day - although some days I am way better at it than others.

Give it time - he's still a recovery newbie and your feelings are completely normal. That said, I have found living apart to be the best cure to all our ills. For now - I need that peace and so do my kids.
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:28 AM
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Alone - lots of strength and best wishes your way.

I remember my stuck stage - unable to live with the reality of alcoholism and unable to let go completely (still struggling with this emotionally even though physically we are apart now). Took me a lot of counselling, tears, talking out with friends and family, etc to push me out of the stuck place..
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:38 AM
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I stayed stuck a couple of years unable to let go. I read " let go or be dragged" on SR. I finally did let go. I wasn't holding on to what really was. It was my imagination. A friend looked at me one day and said "he's just a drunk. " I had put him on a pedestal. His disease really had progressed for 10 yrs. or so. He wasn't the same fun/kind man as I married .
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Old 09-03-2011, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
There is a path of destruction which went straight through our marriage and I have the emotional scars to prove it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Alone22. You are not alone! I'm struggling with many of the same issues as you are today.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:32 AM
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Thanks again for the support. It really does make me feel less alone.

I will be calling my therapist for a referral for MC and we will get that started. I think I will also make an appointment with my therapist. I need to get to a meeting and will try to go tomorrow. I am so thankful to be where I am in my own recovery. Even though I felt really out of sorts yesterday I wasn't spinning and trying to make some huge decisions, trying to get life all figured out, like I would have in the past. Just the ability to stay even semi grounded is such a blessing.

RAH also announced that he is taking an extra week off work so he can look for a new job. While I understand his desire to do that, I have to say it kind of bugs me there was no discussion on it. We have spent so much money on his rehab and going another week without money seems silly if he is able to work. Maybe it is what he needs and I just need to accept it and not worry about it. A whole week with him and the kids at school has me a bit on edge, but maybe it will also give us some time to really talk. I am not sure what it will take for me to feel more at ease with all of this, but I do know it will take time. Wonder if he will be willing to give it to me?
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