AllAboutheGirls

I found this site about a week ago and it helped me a great deal in making sense of this mess I found myself in. I left my stbxah after 10 years when his verbal abuse turned physical and am learning to fight my own battle for recovery now. I have attended al anon meetings and read as much as I can. I know that I am NOT alone in this battle. I want to share some notes with you that I have been taking because I reread them daily to find peace. Hopefully this helps others as much as it does for me. Sorry it might be a little long but worth the read.


Just because I haven’t finished my journey doesn’t mean I am not going to.

So many blue days filled with little happinesses. These are the memories I am creating for my girls.

I suddenly realised that I can’t go backwards. I keep revisiting what I had, looking for artefacts that I can take with me. There are so few, but the ones I leave behind have determined who I am now. I think that I may be missing what I wanted, rather than what I had.

My feedback from the world is that I am closed and remote. I feel warm and need to figure out how to start conversations.

When I marry again, we will look after each other, not necessarily financially, but we will care about each other’s happiness, I want some one with whom I can rise to the challenges the world throws at us.

here I am, feeling fat and middle aged, terminating the most wonderful, depressing, exhilarating, terrifying, freakish, rewarding, abusive, debilitating marriage

I am learning to live a linear life now, where I build on my knowledge, develop new skills, create business opportunities, meet new people and move forward.

I have realised that I need to recognise that all the good memories are just that, and by going back to him we are not going to create any more. I am heart broken that I can’t stay married to my glorious soul mate and best friend, but he has a heartless mistress and her name is alcohol.

Alcoholics don’t grow up, they just age and then ferment.

After he has been out, all of them together make me feel angry, scared and tearful.

Cheers to the life that was and cheers to the life that is yet to be

I have been thinking recently about the roles of the partners in a marriage, outside of parent, provider, lover etc. and have come to the conclusion that a very important role, which could make for a very happy marriage is that of a ‘pedestal’.
‘Pedestal’ – noun, support for a statue; ‘pedestal’ – intangible concept, respect and support for one’s spouse or partner.
Pedestals are organic, they grow and change as time goes by and people develop and mature, but they must be nurtured, they are not infallible. Pedestals need to be as sturdy as marble and as obvious as the weather, they need to be examined for cracks and lovingly maintained.
Alcohol is a powerful pedestal erosion agent.

So Lee Ann, you are getting divorced:
» Yes I am leaving my soul mate.
How is it going?
» One day at a time, giving up alcoholics can be as difficult as them giving up alcohol.
How do you feel about getting divorced?
» It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I’ve had some tough times.
If it makes you so unhappy, why are you doing it?
» Because its the right thing to do, it is the only way the girls and I will survive.

I realise that I have spent the last ten years surviving him instead of us fighting the world’s challenges side by side.

I just want to get away from all the glorious, miserable memories and start again else where.

“He was my North, my South, my East, and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

I didn’t leave him because I have fallen out of love with him. I am finding it incredibly difficult to leave a man that a part of me (that still remembers then) still loves, but who is dragging me into hell.

Yesterday must have been a long day because at ten o’clock last night I received a text from him saying that he was missing me.Alot
I can’t deny that I cried myself to sleep wondering why it had all gone wrong. But I did wake up this morning feeling that I had passed yet another milestone and that I am squinting in the sunlight at the end of what has been a very long and dark tunnel in my life.

I will get on track. Bring it on, I am not afraid, I was born for this!

GettingBy

Beautiful and well put. Congratulations on your recovery journey!

I admire your strength and courage. I was in the process of divorcing my AH this spring... I stalled out, but thankfully took all that energy and put it into me and my recovery. Going to Al-anon, soon to be see a therapist too... I'm getting better, stronger, and focused on developing a new life for me and my children.

Sitting around waiting and hoping for my AH to find sobriety hasn't worked out so well for me. Time for me to take charge of my own life.

Thanks,
Shannon

Leaping

What a beautiful post and one I can relate to. I remember that poem from "Four Weddings and A Funeral" although I suspect it is not orginial to that movie. It has always been one of my favorites.

I know there are happy days ahead for you and your girls and I want you to know I am out here, in the heat and humidity of Alabama, rooting for you. I hope you post again. I hope the sunlight becomes so strong you need sunglasses and the dark tunnel becomes a peaceful hallway. Peace -

catlovermi

These are some powerful insights that really stuck out to me, in your thoughtful and sad post.

Thank you for sharing your journey.

Welcome to SR; I hope you will find support and comfort in our community.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

shawty80

beautifully written! you sound quite the sage. best of luck to you on your journey.

KerBearz

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am going through this myself and I can relate to much of what you wrote. Divorce after 23 years is proving to be a very difficult thing for me.