New to the process
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1
New to the process
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, living together for 2. I always knew that he liked to drink, and maybe was drinking more than the typical person, but being in his early 20s I thought it was just a typical college/post-college drinking thing. He has a grandfather who died from alcoholism, and a father he hates due to his 6+ unsuccessful bouts with rehab.
In the past few months he’s been on the road a lot(musician’s lifestyle), and it got bad. Suddenly he was picking fights with me, criticizing little things, he would disappear from bed and apparently go downstairs to drink. He was getting wasted every night and I had no idea-he was great at making me think he’d only had a single drink.
After being gone for the last month, I found out that not only had he been drunk every day for several months, but that he had cheated on me. I kicked him out after the cheating and the constant lying was revealed. The problem is I know thats not the “real” him and as much as I want to hate him for breaking my heart, I just can’t. Instead, I find myself still talking to him daily and offering my support to go to AA. I’m not sure if I should be helping him still or cutting him off due to his behavior. The problem is I really thought/think he is the one.
I’ve told him that the only way I would get back together with him would be at least 9 month to a year of complete sobriety and returning to his old, happy, respectful self. I have not guaranteed that it will happen, and plan to live single in the meantime, but I find myself not being able to give up entirely. In the meantime, I can be a friend.
Am I crazy here? Should the cheating and lying-alcohol or not be reason to cut him out completely? I'm completely conflicted here-I know who he was and if he could get back to that, maybe it could work out, I just don't know right now...
In the past few months he’s been on the road a lot(musician’s lifestyle), and it got bad. Suddenly he was picking fights with me, criticizing little things, he would disappear from bed and apparently go downstairs to drink. He was getting wasted every night and I had no idea-he was great at making me think he’d only had a single drink.
After being gone for the last month, I found out that not only had he been drunk every day for several months, but that he had cheated on me. I kicked him out after the cheating and the constant lying was revealed. The problem is I know thats not the “real” him and as much as I want to hate him for breaking my heart, I just can’t. Instead, I find myself still talking to him daily and offering my support to go to AA. I’m not sure if I should be helping him still or cutting him off due to his behavior. The problem is I really thought/think he is the one.
I’ve told him that the only way I would get back together with him would be at least 9 month to a year of complete sobriety and returning to his old, happy, respectful self. I have not guaranteed that it will happen, and plan to live single in the meantime, but I find myself not being able to give up entirely. In the meantime, I can be a friend.
Am I crazy here? Should the cheating and lying-alcohol or not be reason to cut him out completely? I'm completely conflicted here-I know who he was and if he could get back to that, maybe it could work out, I just don't know right now...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Well, that depends on what your boundaries are. In my books, cheating is a deal breaker. I got myself a nice STD from my husband's cheating, though I only discovered the cheating later. By the way, have you had a complete screening yet?
From where I sit, you're on the right path.
From where I sit, you're on the right path.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
ooh, let me answer! Let's see... ABF, check; musician, check; lying, check; staying up all night drinking; check!
Hey, you and I had the same boyfriend!
With alcoholism, the real person is still there, but the alcohol comes with. Always. You've distanced yourself a bit, and you want to be his friend. So, do that. Go to AlAnon, whether or not he does anything different.
It will take some time to figure out your own boundaries. I thought after I moved out that I could still be his girlfriend. I couldn't. Then I thought that if he worked on his alcoholism for a year or two, I'd consider getting back together with him. I won't. And I only left in April. I've gone to AlAnon about once or twice a month, and spent almost $1000 on a counselor. I'd like to be friends with him - but I don't know if I'm even willing to be that. And I love him. We were together for 5 years. He's a great guy. Except when he drinks.
- Sylvie
Hey, you and I had the same boyfriend!
With alcoholism, the real person is still there, but the alcohol comes with. Always. You've distanced yourself a bit, and you want to be his friend. So, do that. Go to AlAnon, whether or not he does anything different.
It will take some time to figure out your own boundaries. I thought after I moved out that I could still be his girlfriend. I couldn't. Then I thought that if he worked on his alcoholism for a year or two, I'd consider getting back together with him. I won't. And I only left in April. I've gone to AlAnon about once or twice a month, and spent almost $1000 on a counselor. I'd like to be friends with him - but I don't know if I'm even willing to be that. And I love him. We were together for 5 years. He's a great guy. Except when he drinks.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Tanyaboston, please use me as a cautionary tale. I met my husband 20 years ago, when I was 22. We had a fast romance and moved in together. I learned that during the time we were dating and then first living together, that he was sleeping with two other women as well as me, sometimes sleeping with one of us in the morning and the other in the evening. Know how I learned this? I caught a minor STD. I was devastated. I stupidly moved in together with him due to the fact that I had given up my housing and had no place to live and was struggling financially to support myself.
That's right, I stayed with my cheater boyfriend. STUPID. I did not trust him, but I told myself he loved me and was sorry for his mistake and that I was The One. A few years went by. I squashed my feelings and convinced myself it was all OK. We grew together and all that. I began to trust him. He seemed to be a very good guy.
We got married 16 years ago. We had four kids. I was never again aware of him cheating on me but other patterns of lying/deception/secrecy have evolved in layers over the years. We had a good life all in all, but looking back I should have RUN RUN RUN and never looked back when I he cheated on me all those years ago.
Now I've given 20 years of my life and my marriage is in shambles and my husband is an alcoholic. Wouldn't trade my kids for anything, but please take my story to heart. Men who cheat on you don't hold you in high regard. Move on and share your life with someone who will love, honor and cherish you and won't put you at risk emotionally or physically by being unfaithful.
That's right, I stayed with my cheater boyfriend. STUPID. I did not trust him, but I told myself he loved me and was sorry for his mistake and that I was The One. A few years went by. I squashed my feelings and convinced myself it was all OK. We grew together and all that. I began to trust him. He seemed to be a very good guy.
We got married 16 years ago. We had four kids. I was never again aware of him cheating on me but other patterns of lying/deception/secrecy have evolved in layers over the years. We had a good life all in all, but looking back I should have RUN RUN RUN and never looked back when I he cheated on me all those years ago.
Now I've given 20 years of my life and my marriage is in shambles and my husband is an alcoholic. Wouldn't trade my kids for anything, but please take my story to heart. Men who cheat on you don't hold you in high regard. Move on and share your life with someone who will love, honor and cherish you and won't put you at risk emotionally or physically by being unfaithful.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Well said, SoaringSpirits................ Cheating is a character flaw. Add his abuse of alcohol and my only question is, why do you feel compelled to hang around and see what transpires? The writing is on the wall. I am sorry that his actions have hurt you.
As painful as these recent events have been for you, I would consider them a huge warning. You have been given a sneak preview of what your life will be like if you choose to commit to this person.
This could be your blessing in disguise. Alcoholics take hostages. What kind of life would that be for you? Put yourself first. He is in charge of his recovery, and it doesn't sound like he is ready to commit to recovery or you for that matter.
Set yourself free and run away...................... All my best to you
As painful as these recent events have been for you, I would consider them a huge warning. You have been given a sneak preview of what your life will be like if you choose to commit to this person.
This could be your blessing in disguise. Alcoholics take hostages. What kind of life would that be for you? Put yourself first. He is in charge of his recovery, and it doesn't sound like he is ready to commit to recovery or you for that matter.
Set yourself free and run away...................... All my best to you
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"The problem is I really thought/think he is the one"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++
Believe me, he is not the only one, there are many other "fish" in the sea.
As for the cheating, this is a total deal breaker for me. I do not believe that it is in any way related to his drinking, and, if I were a betting woman, I would bet that this is not the first time he has cheated....and probably will not be the last.
A road musicians lifestyle lends itself to drugs, alcohol and loose women.
You are too young to be betting on the come, his family history speaks for itself, he has inherited the predispostion to addiction and has chosen to follow in his fathers footsteps.
Take care of you,
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++
Believe me, he is not the only one, there are many other "fish" in the sea.
As for the cheating, this is a total deal breaker for me. I do not believe that it is in any way related to his drinking, and, if I were a betting woman, I would bet that this is not the first time he has cheated....and probably will not be the last.
A road musicians lifestyle lends itself to drugs, alcohol and loose women.
You are too young to be betting on the come, his family history speaks for itself, he has inherited the predispostion to addiction and has chosen to follow in his fathers footsteps.
Take care of you,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Tanya
Welcome, though I am sorry for your reasons on being here.
Though I cannot offer advice and I can offer this.
My husband of five years who I knew seven years was both struggling with alcohol and had an affair. In many ways it has become the best thing that ever happened to me. The alcohol had been a problem for me for awhile, but it was the affair that ripped my band-aid of denial off about how it was impacting my life.
Was it painful...you bet! But it got me through the door of Al-anon, got me reading about alcohol use, about affairs, and helped to move along my continued personal recovery.
The more I have kept working on me, the situation figured itself out for me.
If you would like book suggestions please let me know.
Good luck. By the way Al-anon is for friends and families of people struggling with A in case you did not know.
Welcome, though I am sorry for your reasons on being here.
Though I cannot offer advice and I can offer this.
My husband of five years who I knew seven years was both struggling with alcohol and had an affair. In many ways it has become the best thing that ever happened to me. The alcohol had been a problem for me for awhile, but it was the affair that ripped my band-aid of denial off about how it was impacting my life.
Was it painful...you bet! But it got me through the door of Al-anon, got me reading about alcohol use, about affairs, and helped to move along my continued personal recovery.
The more I have kept working on me, the situation figured itself out for me.
If you would like book suggestions please let me know.
Good luck. By the way Al-anon is for friends and families of people struggling with A in case you did not know.
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