Hi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Hi
I've been around, reading, not posting much and just thought I'd post an update.
AH is almost entirely moved out. Living with his A, unemployed, mentally ill brother. It was a battle to get him to go and I think he is most upset about not having the TV, the couch and the material comforts of our house. He's unpredictable about calling the girls, tries to make plans at the last min to see them etc... I'm trying to be the bigger person and be accomodating since the girls love him and I don't want to be the mom who alienates their dad (which he already accuses me of).
I am not working; didn't find a job that worked for my schedule and family needs this summer so bc I am able to afford it right now, I am taking my time to find a job, enjoying being able to bring my oldest to her new school (she just started 1st grade) and spending quality time with the girls in peace.
I have put the divorce proceedings on hold bc I was spinning my wheels (my lawyer was actually) and spending ridiculous amts of money going back and forth with AH over minutae. We agreed for the time being to put things on hold, we have a lawyer written/agreed upon parenting plan and I've decided that taking things one small step at a time is okay with me. I'm focussing on job searching, enjoying the peace around my house and getting my kids off to a good start of the year. I don't need to try and do everything at once and once I came to be okay with that I realized I was a lot calmer.
I'm very sad about all of what has happened, my anniversary is at the end of Sept, I'm being honest with friends when they ask what the status of things is and that's sad to deal with, I still wish things had turned out differently, and there are days I am angrier than I know what to do with (thank god for running!) and days when I wish the girls would see him for what he is or that he'd just disappear and I'd never have to deal with him again. All that being said, I am a lot happier, calmer and settled than I've felt in a long time and I am looking forward to the rest of my life being a lot healthier than the 1st nearly 40 yrs have been.
AH is almost entirely moved out. Living with his A, unemployed, mentally ill brother. It was a battle to get him to go and I think he is most upset about not having the TV, the couch and the material comforts of our house. He's unpredictable about calling the girls, tries to make plans at the last min to see them etc... I'm trying to be the bigger person and be accomodating since the girls love him and I don't want to be the mom who alienates their dad (which he already accuses me of).
I am not working; didn't find a job that worked for my schedule and family needs this summer so bc I am able to afford it right now, I am taking my time to find a job, enjoying being able to bring my oldest to her new school (she just started 1st grade) and spending quality time with the girls in peace.
I have put the divorce proceedings on hold bc I was spinning my wheels (my lawyer was actually) and spending ridiculous amts of money going back and forth with AH over minutae. We agreed for the time being to put things on hold, we have a lawyer written/agreed upon parenting plan and I've decided that taking things one small step at a time is okay with me. I'm focussing on job searching, enjoying the peace around my house and getting my kids off to a good start of the year. I don't need to try and do everything at once and once I came to be okay with that I realized I was a lot calmer.
I'm very sad about all of what has happened, my anniversary is at the end of Sept, I'm being honest with friends when they ask what the status of things is and that's sad to deal with, I still wish things had turned out differently, and there are days I am angrier than I know what to do with (thank god for running!) and days when I wish the girls would see him for what he is or that he'd just disappear and I'd never have to deal with him again. All that being said, I am a lot happier, calmer and settled than I've felt in a long time and I am looking forward to the rest of my life being a lot healthier than the 1st nearly 40 yrs have been.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WTBH, ((((hugs))))
Thank you for sharing that. You sound like you are in a much better place. I was worried for you and all that was going on there for a while.
Enjoy your serenity and your girls and let things happen at there own pace. Easier said than done of course.
It's good to have people share their success as it lifts us all up.
Your friend,
Thank you for sharing that. You sound like you are in a much better place. I was worried for you and all that was going on there for a while.
Enjoy your serenity and your girls and let things happen at there own pace. Easier said than done of course.
It's good to have people share their success as it lifts us all up.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thanks Mike,
I was worried there for a while too. I'm grateful actually that work has started again for AH as has his coaching bc he is quite occupied with maintaining his public image and it leaves him much less time for harassing me or pretending to be interested in being a father. Long weekend coming up and I'm hoping that perhaps AH and his brother will tie one on and leave me in peace for much of the weekend!
I was worried there for a while too. I'm grateful actually that work has started again for AH as has his coaching bc he is quite occupied with maintaining his public image and it leaves him much less time for harassing me or pretending to be interested in being a father. Long weekend coming up and I'm hoping that perhaps AH and his brother will tie one on and leave me in peace for much of the weekend!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
WTBH... you sound strong and at peace... with both feet firmly planted in reality. I love it girl!!
I hear ya on the divorce process stuff. As much as it would be lovely to snap your fingers and have it all done and over with (and the As dissappear!)... life doesn't work that way. I love your attitude... taking it one step at a time, one day at a time!
I'm right there with you! Enjoy all that time with the girls!
Shannon
I hear ya on the divorce process stuff. As much as it would be lovely to snap your fingers and have it all done and over with (and the As dissappear!)... life doesn't work that way. I love your attitude... taking it one step at a time, one day at a time!
I'm right there with you! Enjoy all that time with the girls!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
WTBH you can really see your strength and how calm you are in your post. I am also the type that wants everything done and planned out yesterday. I am slowly seeing that my HP has a plan and that it is not always my plan. When I step away from trying to control everything in life too feel calmer. Today I am feeling really unsettled and I am fighting the desire to figure it all out right now. I need to let it go for a bit and let the answers come to me, not force them to happen.
Enjoy your girls... they will be grown before you know it!
Enjoy your girls... they will be grown before you know it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
WTBH - enjoy your peace - hoping its not just the 'eye of the storm' but a more long standing serenity. Enjoy this time as much as you can. Seems like these days I blink and my little girls are taking driving exams and looking at colleges. Sometimes I wonder if I paid enough attention to the important things while I had a chance...
I am very happy for you this morning. You sound much more grounded.
I am very happy for you this morning. You sound much more grounded.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm glad that you are feeling better and he has stopped spinning you into a froth.
as long as he is out of your hair and supporting the kids you are OK with taking your time. and congrats for dealing with it by exercise too. I hope things get sorted out in the best possible least expensive way for you.
as long as he is out of your hair and supporting the kids you are OK with taking your time. and congrats for dealing with it by exercise too. I hope things get sorted out in the best possible least expensive way for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Most of my life I've been the "what if" and worrying about what's coming next and what I need to do next type of person. I am sure there's a reason for that related to having grown up in chaos but regardless, it hasn't been until I started dealing with what alcoholism has done to me and what my codependence has done to me, that I realized the world probably wouldn't end if I didn't have it all figured out rightnow....
To all who talked about how quickly kids grow... I really see that-- even though mine are still little (3 and just barely 6), I can't really recall a lot of happiness in the past 6 yrs and I've missed A LOT of time with them bc I've been obsessed with AH. And worse, THEY have missed a lot of time with a mother who ought to have been devoted to them and to herself and who wasn't.
D3 started preschool this week, D6 started 1st grade and I'm relishing every second I have with them. I am glad I am unemployed and wouldn't trade being able to pick them up and drop them off and spend oodles of time with them that I haven't been able to spend when I've been working crazily (for what? to earn $ for AH to blow?) for the past number of years.
I was talking to a childhood friend of mine who brought his daughter to D6's bday party this past weekend about my priorities and was saying that my kids are my priority- not my career (vs others who are more career driven which is what is right for them). His Dad recently passed away and he said that in the last weeks that they spent with his Dad at hospice, no one talked about what he'd done for work or how much he'd earned. They talked about the memories of times spent together and things done together and he said that he and his wife (who I'm also good friends with) had many talks during those weeks about reprioritizing their lives so that they had more time with their kids. It was really nice to talk to him and realize that I have friends who can be more like family to me than my own family and who share the same values I do....
To all who talked about how quickly kids grow... I really see that-- even though mine are still little (3 and just barely 6), I can't really recall a lot of happiness in the past 6 yrs and I've missed A LOT of time with them bc I've been obsessed with AH. And worse, THEY have missed a lot of time with a mother who ought to have been devoted to them and to herself and who wasn't.
D3 started preschool this week, D6 started 1st grade and I'm relishing every second I have with them. I am glad I am unemployed and wouldn't trade being able to pick them up and drop them off and spend oodles of time with them that I haven't been able to spend when I've been working crazily (for what? to earn $ for AH to blow?) for the past number of years.
I was talking to a childhood friend of mine who brought his daughter to D6's bday party this past weekend about my priorities and was saying that my kids are my priority- not my career (vs others who are more career driven which is what is right for them). His Dad recently passed away and he said that in the last weeks that they spent with his Dad at hospice, no one talked about what he'd done for work or how much he'd earned. They talked about the memories of times spent together and things done together and he said that he and his wife (who I'm also good friends with) had many talks during those weeks about reprioritizing their lives so that they had more time with their kids. It was really nice to talk to him and realize that I have friends who can be more like family to me than my own family and who share the same values I do....
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
I hope that you will be able to relax some with him out of the house. Do you and the girls have some fun plans for the coming weekend?
No specific plans. Just enjoying being together...
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