New Member: Looking for a place to vent, and for advice.

Old 08-31-2011, 11:23 AM
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Unhappy New Member: Looking for a place to vent, and for advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 7.
He has an 8 year old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 2 year old son together.

He has been an alcoholic for longer than I've known him. He was highly functional for several years after we got together, and it was good. I didn't see it coming.

He lost his job about the time that I got pregnant with our youngest, and was basically out of work until about a month ago. He's had jobs in between, but never lasting very long, and never giving us more money than he could spend on booze.

During the time that I was pregnant, he was drinking about a gallon of whiskey a day. He was jaundiced and spent most of his time throwing up. Toward the end of the pregnancy he decided to quit. After a couple of days of hallucinating and other scary behavior leading up to him hitting me in the face, he ended up in the ER for 4 days.

He got out, said he was done with whiskey forever, went and bought a bottle of wine, and carried on.

Then the whiskey came back.

His parents paid his part of the bills for over 2 years, and paid to send him to school. While, I was left to pay the rest of the bills, groceries and daycare for the baby which runs about $800 a month. (I only make $12 an hour, and the math NEVER adds up.)

Fast forward to present day.

He quit school and went back to construction work.

He quit whiskey again about a month ago, but is now drinking 2 large bottles of wine a day +/-. Spending probably $300 to $400 a month on wine.

He skips work, and goes in late. There is always an excuse as to why, and thus an excuse as to why he doesn't have the money for his part of the bills. AND his parents are also still giving him money. AND paying his child support for the oldest, which they have done for the last 8 years, and I have NO DOUBT will do until he's 18.

If I mention the drinking, he says he "quit drinking". He doesn't see the wine as a bad thing. Just the whiskey. He's in complete denial.

We are STRUGGLING financially. To the point that I've been considering cutting my losses and moving home. This month, for example we don't have even half of the rent payment which is due tomorrow. He says it will be okay, something will work out. It doesn't.

My parents have quit giving me money because they don't want to enable anymore. His parents, I don't think will ever stop, though I am considering asking them to.

There is so much in between that I just can't fill in without writing a book.

I love my husband. I don't believe that he will ever quit drinking, no matter how much it ruins his/our/our childrens' lives.

I'm losing patience, but I still have that part of me that wants to make this work. The good days are so good. I feel like if I leave, it will make me the bad guy.
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
I don't believe that he will ever quit drinking, no matter how much it ruins his/our/our childrens' lives.
Isn't that your answer right there? Now it's up to you to decide whether you want to live with it or not. I know that it's difficult, but as far as I can tell the ball is in your court. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:05 PM
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ach...your post reminds me so much of what my life was when I was still married to exAH...always struggling for money because he would drink/smoke/snort/spent it away. Always listening to his excuses. Always hearing "it'll work out somehow" when in reality it "worked out" because either I coughed up the money, or someone gave us a break, or we got further into debt. By the time I left him, I had gone bankrupt, my credit was ruined, I had no savings and I had lawyers calling me to get payment for various things he spent on. What a mess.

Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
I love my husband. I don't believe that he will ever quit drinking, no matter how much it ruins his/our/our childrens' lives.
The question here isn't whether you love your husband or not...it's whether that love is enough to justify staying with a financially irresponsible alcoholic who is nowhere near recovery? What about your children in all this? What do you think they are learning by growing up in a household where the partnership is so unequal and where the madness of addiction reigns?

Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
but I still have that part of me that wants to make this work. The good days are so good. I feel like if I leave, it will make me the bad guy.
If you had the power to "make it work", (i.e. make him quit drinking) wouldn't it have worked a long time ago?

Remember:
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking.

Nothing you say (or don't say), do (or don't do) can make your husband find recovery. That's in his power alone. You do have the power to change your circumstances though.

As for the Bad Guy thing, I totally empathize. I stayed for longer than I should have out of the desire to be the good, patient wife who "stood by her man", "through thick and thin" (insert all those stupid codependent sayings here). Do you believe you'll be the bad guy in your parents' eyes...your parents who truly see your husband for what he is? I'd venture to say "no".

What's more, is your husband worrying about "being the bad guy" when he is taking a nose dise into those bottles of wine and not paying the bills? This is person whose opinion you are concerned about? As I learned here on SR: "what other people think of me is none of my business".

IMO, you have children in your care and an alcoholic sucking the life out of everyone. Seems like the choice is logical.

You have an out with your parents. Why not take it?
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:28 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I've spent the last few days reading posts here. It's terrifying how completely textbook our situation seems to be.

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
I stayed for longer than I should have out of the desire to be the good, patient wife who "stood by her man", "through thick and thin" (insert all those stupid codependent sayings here). Do you believe you'll be the bad guy in your parents' eyes...your parents who truly see your husband for what he is? I'd venture to say "no". You have an out with your parents. Why not take it?
This is exactly how I feel.

It's more that I am afraid of being the bad guy in his eyes (stupid I know) and some of our mutual friends, along with his family.

I do suspect that his parents may on some level understand, and even see it coming. I hope that they will still be a positive part of my life... the only thing that I really see changing that is when we get to the custody issues, as I will do everything in my power to limit my son's exposure to his father unless he is sober, and that will probably be a major court battle.

Everyone in our lives knows what is going on. His parents and mine, my coworkers and friends... I stopped hiding it and have gone into full blown spew mode when someone brings it up. Everything just comes pouring out.


It may sound stupid, I suddenly feel ridiculous just typing it, but part of me is holding out because we just moved into this duplex in April and our lease is not up until May.

I just can't imagine having YET ANOTHER bad thing on my credit, or another person calling me for money... and I definitely can't ask him to leave and take it on all by myself, because I can't afford to live here completely on my own... I would have to move in with my parents, who live over an hour away.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:32 PM
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There's also this feeling I've noticed, as I see what I should do more and more clearly, and everyone around me is reinforcing that... I feel... resistant. Like the more I know that I should go, the more something in me just digs its heels in and says, no no no.

Is that normal?
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:00 PM
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This is a life altering issue you are facing. It is only naturally to be challenged in your decision making process. I believe you already know the answer. Often we hang on, hoping for a miracle, or another sign, possibly additional justification, anything to avoid the reality , of our happily ever after has ceased to exist.

You need to raise your kids in an enviroment that is healthy. If that means moving in with the parents, then move in with the parents.

Sending you strength...................... All my best to you
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
There's also this feeling I've noticed, as I see what I should do more and more clearly, and everyone around me is reinforcing that... I feel... resistant. Like the more I know that I should go, the more something in me just digs its heels in and says, no no no.

Is that normal?
In a word, yes. That fear is very normal. And the problem is if I listen to that voice of fear too much, it's good friend Denial is soon to join in. Between the two of them, they do a knock down job of keeping me stuck in a toxic relationship.

The way i combat them is to stay in reality. Journal... Write down the facts. Go to al-anon. Learn about alcoholism. Focus on taking care of myself. Love myself.

Do all those things and life will get better. Hang out with fear and denial and nothing changes (I know, I spent the last 5 yrs with them... Jerks).

I think you're on the right just coming here!! Keep up the good work!!

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:04 PM
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Normal? No. Probable? Yes. You see, we codies become as sick as the addicts themselves, we live in the state of denial. We truly believe that we can fix them, and, that we are the only ones who can do so.

Is that true? No, we neither have the skills nor power to do so. Yet, we do not want to admit that we are powerless, we cannot face reality. That is a benchmark of our illiness, facing the truth, admitting that we cannot control or cure another.

Sometimes in life, we need to take a step backwards in order to move forward. At least you have a safe place to go in order to regroup.

By what you have written, it would appear that you have already made some bad financial decisions, may be time to take the focus off of him and place it on you, to develop some skills in the money management area, so that you will not need to depend on a
man for your financial security.

As for the duplex, for the short term, possibly you can get a roommate to share the rent.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:46 PM
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As dollydo mentions, you have options. You can stay there, ask him to leave, and take on a roommate (perhaps another mama who needs someone to share childcare with). Or you can move in with your parents.

I chose option B when I left: my exah and I had a civil discussion regarding separation and then, one day, he started to threaten me and demand custody of our child, telling me he wouldn't *let* me leave. I had already been packing but at that point, I freaked out, called my parents, and they moved me out of there in less than 90 minutes. I took clothing, a rocking chair, a mattress, and toys for my little one. Everything else got left behind, and I was GLAD for it.

Living with my parents has given me the opportunity to get back on my feet financially and emotionally. I paid back *all* the debts my exah put in my name; I have saved money and I'm two years away from purging my bankruptcy from my record. It has given me a safe place far enough away from him. My daughter has blossomed when she was taken out of that toxic place...and when he stopped seeing her because he was pig-headed, things got even better. My little one started smiling again...and I remembered what it's like to be happy.

I understand your reluctance. It's part of the grieving process. You are grieving that dream you built for your family, and it's entirely normal to fight anything that you feel will take you away from that. Let me offer a different perspective: just because you leave doesn't mean that at some point in the future, if your spouse finds recovery and sticks to it, that you could not resume your relationship again. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

(As an aside here: when I left my then-husband, we had JUST moved into a new apartment and purchased a whole new set of furniture as per his specification. I fought with myself endlessly to justify staying because of all the money I'd spent...but looking back, HP was giving me a big red sign saying: "This isn't working anymore!!").

As for being the bad guy in his eyes...there's really nothing you can do to change or control his opinion of you. Yes, there will no doubt be backlash, but in the end, your leaving would be just *one* of the consequences of your AH's choices. You cannot protect him from those consequences. He's a big boy and he will have to deal with them himself.

Keep posting!
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Old 09-01-2011, 07:20 PM
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Thank you guys. It's nice to get perspective from people who have been where I am.

I'm really glad I found this site.

I will keep you all posted as we move forward.
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