Maybe I'm a control freak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 25
Maybe I'm a control freak
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He's a professional. Has a good job, makes good money and we provide a good life to our 2 young children. But he drinks almost every day. He's done it for years and mostly behind my back.
At first I thought he was just a miserable person- grumpy, lazy, irritable, irrational, anxious, etc. Just not a nice person to be around. I was upset and confused by his behavior. Couldn't make sense of it until I clued in that he was drinking everyday, and realized that it was alcohol that was making him miserable. That he is still the good, honest, loving person I know him to be inside.
At first my reaction was one of concern and support. I encouraged and supported him to try moderation. He/we've done counselling. He's tried AA, and various other addiction services. Never really completed anything, and all the while continuing to drink in secret. He thinks he is being clever and successfully hiding his drinking from me, but it is all too obvious that he is intoxicated. Others probably would not notice, but I know and it makes me crazy/angry. He avoids me like the plague and I feel like I don't have a marriage anymore. That he is cheating on me with alcohol.
He knows that he has a drinking problem, and says the best thing for him/us/our family is for him to abstain. However, he has not gone more than a few days without drinking.
Now I'm just really angry and ready to throw in the towel. I'm most angry about the continued lying (drinking behind my back). If he drank in front of me, then I would be better able to deal with it (I think). At least there would be no more deceit and I wouldn't be always wondering if he was drunk or not. Now I feel like I'm being paranoid, distrustful, suspicious whenever anything seems a little "off".
I've told him over and over, I will not tolerate someone drinking behind my back (whether they have a drinking problem or not). That is just not how healthy relationships work. Plus, it is not good role modelling for my kids. Am I being unreasonable? It's tough because he really is a good guy and a good father. He's not an abusive, irresponsible, out of control drunk. He is just not himself when he drinks, and it makes me sad and angry.
Our last big fight he said part of the reason he turns to alcohol is because he feels little love, support, understanding from me. That I offer him little hope in us and him. That I make him feel so bad about himself. This is probably true. Lately, I've been very mean because I feel so angry, so betrayed. Every time I think that maybe things are getting better and let my guard down, he drinks. I don't know what to do... Sorry about the uber-long message. I'm a newbie!
At first I thought he was just a miserable person- grumpy, lazy, irritable, irrational, anxious, etc. Just not a nice person to be around. I was upset and confused by his behavior. Couldn't make sense of it until I clued in that he was drinking everyday, and realized that it was alcohol that was making him miserable. That he is still the good, honest, loving person I know him to be inside.
At first my reaction was one of concern and support. I encouraged and supported him to try moderation. He/we've done counselling. He's tried AA, and various other addiction services. Never really completed anything, and all the while continuing to drink in secret. He thinks he is being clever and successfully hiding his drinking from me, but it is all too obvious that he is intoxicated. Others probably would not notice, but I know and it makes me crazy/angry. He avoids me like the plague and I feel like I don't have a marriage anymore. That he is cheating on me with alcohol.
He knows that he has a drinking problem, and says the best thing for him/us/our family is for him to abstain. However, he has not gone more than a few days without drinking.
Now I'm just really angry and ready to throw in the towel. I'm most angry about the continued lying (drinking behind my back). If he drank in front of me, then I would be better able to deal with it (I think). At least there would be no more deceit and I wouldn't be always wondering if he was drunk or not. Now I feel like I'm being paranoid, distrustful, suspicious whenever anything seems a little "off".
I've told him over and over, I will not tolerate someone drinking behind my back (whether they have a drinking problem or not). That is just not how healthy relationships work. Plus, it is not good role modelling for my kids. Am I being unreasonable? It's tough because he really is a good guy and a good father. He's not an abusive, irresponsible, out of control drunk. He is just not himself when he drinks, and it makes me sad and angry.
Our last big fight he said part of the reason he turns to alcohol is because he feels little love, support, understanding from me. That I offer him little hope in us and him. That I make him feel so bad about himself. This is probably true. Lately, I've been very mean because I feel so angry, so betrayed. Every time I think that maybe things are getting better and let my guard down, he drinks. I don't know what to do... Sorry about the uber-long message. I'm a newbie!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi and welcome.
Is your request unreasonable? No.
Is it unreasonable to expect your alcoholic husband to honor that request? Yes.
He is an alcoholic. Drinking, and protecting his drinking, is the center of his life now. Everything else is secondary so promises and agreements, no matter how reasonable, will not be kept if they conflict with the drinking.
He is the person that he is today, in this moment. How he behaves right now IS who he is. He shows you everyday who he is. The acceptance of this is a tough one.
I refused to believe the reality before my eyes for a very very long time. I had a vision in my head of my husband, myself, and my family. I made decisions based on that fantasy, not reality. It was like running in quick sand. I was living in the land of crazy because my reality was nothing like the fantasy. I eventually hit my bottom and it all came crashing down. I had to look around at my family, myself, and at my husband and really see. I had to believe what I saw and accept it as real.
Continue to read here. I found so much support and info here. The stickies at the top are great. I also read the book Co-Dependent No More and it was a gift of a book! Much wiser advice will be coming I'm sure. Again, welcome to SR.
Is your request unreasonable? No.
Is it unreasonable to expect your alcoholic husband to honor that request? Yes.
He is an alcoholic. Drinking, and protecting his drinking, is the center of his life now. Everything else is secondary so promises and agreements, no matter how reasonable, will not be kept if they conflict with the drinking.
He is the person that he is today, in this moment. How he behaves right now IS who he is. He shows you everyday who he is. The acceptance of this is a tough one.
I refused to believe the reality before my eyes for a very very long time. I had a vision in my head of my husband, myself, and my family. I made decisions based on that fantasy, not reality. It was like running in quick sand. I was living in the land of crazy because my reality was nothing like the fantasy. I eventually hit my bottom and it all came crashing down. I had to look around at my family, myself, and at my husband and really see. I had to believe what I saw and accept it as real.
Continue to read here. I found so much support and info here. The stickies at the top are great. I also read the book Co-Dependent No More and it was a gift of a book! Much wiser advice will be coming I'm sure. Again, welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
You likely are a control freak in that you are trying to control something that isn't (and never has been) in your power to control. You are in good company here. 
Welcome.
Get thee to a meeting and also read some of the sticky threads at the top of the page. You will likely find them enlightening.
I'm fairly new here too and this board has been so helpful to me. It's not changed my AH one bit but I have grown and learned a lot and feel better and happier because of it.
Welcome.Get thee to a meeting and also read some of the sticky threads at the top of the page. You will likely find them enlightening.
I'm fairly new here too and this board has been so helpful to me. It's not changed my AH one bit but I have grown and learned a lot and feel better and happier because of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Hi,
Welcome. Your post sounds so similar to my story; the only difference being that over the past few yrs while my husband has remained the charming, successful at work guy that the world loves, he's become increasingly verbally abusive, withdrawn, nasty, etc... toward me and unreliable and at times physically violent.
The part I can relate to most is you talking about how the lying is what is most troublesome and how if he put it out in the open then you'd feel you could deal with it. Like you I said this to my husband for years. The problem is that neither my husband nor yours WANTS to put their drinking out in the open. They enjoy the secrecy, they need to lie to fuel the addiction and right now for both your H and mine, addiction comes first. And that's going to remain the case until they decide it's not a way they enjoy living.
I hate that he is telling you he is lying, drinking, and otherwise making you miserable because of you. When I read that last line I felt my blood boil bc that phrase, nearly verbatim is one that I've gotten for years from my H too. If I were more affectionate, if I praised him more, If I didn't expect so much (I expected virtually nothing at the end), If I talked slower/faster/louder/quieter... You get the idea. The bottom line, TRUTH is this. It's NOT you. He's telling you these things bc he knows you are a loving, caring wife who is invested in your marriage and if he can convince you that YOU are the one who needs to change and THEN everything will be okay, it takes the pressure off of him to look at himself.
I can't say that I dealt well with those kind of accusations. We had some huge fights because I tried to convince him I was loving enough and I really did want the truth (when he'd say I was lying and didn't really want the truth and that was why he had to lie). So, I won't preach and say "don't react" but that really is the best advice... When I can apply it it's worked out a lot better than when I do react.
Like you I have 2 young kids and after a lot of thought, reflection, tears, bargaining, believing promises that were broken, etc... I have separated from my H. My kids and I are a lot more peaceful and its made me realize how even my "functional" alcoholic husband really did add a great deal of stress, angst and fear in this house.
I noticed you said he's not abusive but I will say this; the things he is saying to you ARE abusive, they are manipulative and they are designed to cause you to question yourself and those are abuser traits. I am not saying your H is an abuser, but I am saying that you should give yourself credit where credit is due for the difficulty of living with someone who is verbally abusive bc it sounds that he is.
I've found many people on here to be wonderful support and give good advice/perspective and I've found that once I started talking honestly to friends and family about what life is really like in my house, that I had a lot more support around me than I thought.
I'm glad you're here and feel free to pm me anytime...
Welcome. Your post sounds so similar to my story; the only difference being that over the past few yrs while my husband has remained the charming, successful at work guy that the world loves, he's become increasingly verbally abusive, withdrawn, nasty, etc... toward me and unreliable and at times physically violent.
The part I can relate to most is you talking about how the lying is what is most troublesome and how if he put it out in the open then you'd feel you could deal with it. Like you I said this to my husband for years. The problem is that neither my husband nor yours WANTS to put their drinking out in the open. They enjoy the secrecy, they need to lie to fuel the addiction and right now for both your H and mine, addiction comes first. And that's going to remain the case until they decide it's not a way they enjoy living.
I hate that he is telling you he is lying, drinking, and otherwise making you miserable because of you. When I read that last line I felt my blood boil bc that phrase, nearly verbatim is one that I've gotten for years from my H too. If I were more affectionate, if I praised him more, If I didn't expect so much (I expected virtually nothing at the end), If I talked slower/faster/louder/quieter... You get the idea. The bottom line, TRUTH is this. It's NOT you. He's telling you these things bc he knows you are a loving, caring wife who is invested in your marriage and if he can convince you that YOU are the one who needs to change and THEN everything will be okay, it takes the pressure off of him to look at himself.
I can't say that I dealt well with those kind of accusations. We had some huge fights because I tried to convince him I was loving enough and I really did want the truth (when he'd say I was lying and didn't really want the truth and that was why he had to lie). So, I won't preach and say "don't react" but that really is the best advice... When I can apply it it's worked out a lot better than when I do react.
Like you I have 2 young kids and after a lot of thought, reflection, tears, bargaining, believing promises that were broken, etc... I have separated from my H. My kids and I are a lot more peaceful and its made me realize how even my "functional" alcoholic husband really did add a great deal of stress, angst and fear in this house.
I noticed you said he's not abusive but I will say this; the things he is saying to you ARE abusive, they are manipulative and they are designed to cause you to question yourself and those are abuser traits. I am not saying your H is an abuser, but I am saying that you should give yourself credit where credit is due for the difficulty of living with someone who is verbally abusive bc it sounds that he is.
I've found many people on here to be wonderful support and give good advice/perspective and I've found that once I started talking honestly to friends and family about what life is really like in my house, that I had a lot more support around me than I thought.
I'm glad you're here and feel free to pm me anytime...
Originally Posted by JustanotherWOA 
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He's a professional. Has a good job, makes good money and we provide a good life to our 2 young children. But he drinks almost every day. He's done it for years and mostly behind my back.
At first I thought he was just a miserable person- grumpy, lazy, irritable, irrational, anxious, etc. Just not a nice person to be around. I was upset and confused by his behavior. Couldn't make sense of it until I clued in that he was drinking everyday, and realized that it was alcohol that was making him miserable. That he is still the good, honest, loving person I know him to be inside.
At first my reaction was one of concern and support. I encouraged and supported him to try moderation. He/we've done counselling. He's tried AA, and various other addiction services. Never really completed anything, and all the while continuing to drink in secret. He thinks he is being clever and successfully hiding his drinking from me, but it is all too obvious that he is intoxicated. Others probably would not notice, but I know and it makes me crazy/angry. He avoids me like the plague and I feel like I don't have a marriage anymore. That he is cheating on me with alcohol.
He knows that he has a drinking problem, and says the best thing for him/us/our family is for him to abstain. However, he has not gone more than a few days without drinking.
Now I'm just really angry and ready to throw in the towel. I'm most angry about the continued lying (drinking behind my back). If he drank in front of me, then I would be better able to deal with it (I think). At least there would be no more deceit and I wouldn't be always wondering if he was drunk or not. Now I feel like I'm being paranoid, distrustful, suspicious whenever anything seems a little "off".
I've told him over and over, I will not tolerate someone drinking behind my back (whether they have a drinking problem or not). That is just not how healthy relationships work. Plus, it is not good role modelling for my kids. Am I being unreasonable? It's tough because he really is a good guy and a good father. He's not an abusive, irresponsible, out of control drunk. He is just not himself when he drinks, and it makes me sad and angry.
Our last big fight he said part of the reason he turns to alcohol is because he feels little love, support, understanding from me. That I offer him little hope in us and him. That I make him feel so bad about himself. This is probably true. Lately, I've been very mean because I feel so angry, so betrayed. Every time I think that maybe things are getting better and let my guard down, he drinks. I don't know what to do... Sorry about the uber-long message. I'm a newbie!
At first I thought he was just a miserable person- grumpy, lazy, irritable, irrational, anxious, etc. Just not a nice person to be around. I was upset and confused by his behavior. Couldn't make sense of it until I clued in that he was drinking everyday, and realized that it was alcohol that was making him miserable. That he is still the good, honest, loving person I know him to be inside.
At first my reaction was one of concern and support. I encouraged and supported him to try moderation. He/we've done counselling. He's tried AA, and various other addiction services. Never really completed anything, and all the while continuing to drink in secret. He thinks he is being clever and successfully hiding his drinking from me, but it is all too obvious that he is intoxicated. Others probably would not notice, but I know and it makes me crazy/angry. He avoids me like the plague and I feel like I don't have a marriage anymore. That he is cheating on me with alcohol.
He knows that he has a drinking problem, and says the best thing for him/us/our family is for him to abstain. However, he has not gone more than a few days without drinking.
Now I'm just really angry and ready to throw in the towel. I'm most angry about the continued lying (drinking behind my back). If he drank in front of me, then I would be better able to deal with it (I think). At least there would be no more deceit and I wouldn't be always wondering if he was drunk or not. Now I feel like I'm being paranoid, distrustful, suspicious whenever anything seems a little "off".
I've told him over and over, I will not tolerate someone drinking behind my back (whether they have a drinking problem or not). That is just not how healthy relationships work. Plus, it is not good role modelling for my kids. Am I being unreasonable? It's tough because he really is a good guy and a good father. He's not an abusive, irresponsible, out of control drunk. He is just not himself when he drinks, and it makes me sad and angry.
Our last big fight he said part of the reason he turns to alcohol is because he feels little love, support, understanding from me. That I offer him little hope in us and him. That I make him feel so bad about himself. This is probably true. Lately, I've been very mean because I feel so angry, so betrayed. Every time I think that maybe things are getting better and let my guard down, he drinks. I don't know what to do... Sorry about the uber-long message. I'm a newbie!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi WOA, are we married to the same guy? 
Your story could be mine, right down to the 'excuse' for the drinking.
Last spring I set out to educate myself about alcohol abuse because I had truly come to the end of my rope. Educating myself was extremely helpful. I read tons on the internet and attended some Al-Anon meetings. I concluded that nothing would change unless I took action. I wound up asking my husband to move out. We have 20 years and 4 kids together. We have been mostly separated for four months but attend marriage counseling; he has cut back on drinking but has not stopped, even in the face of losing his wife. It has been profoundly difficult, and sad, and I'm heartbroken, but it has been very helpful to have the peace and space to process my thoughts. This break has truly confirmed just how disfunctional our lives had become. I had lost my husband to an affair --- with Lady Beer (and as I found out, Lady Vodka). I am not going to let me or our kids get further pulled into this toxic three-way marriage.
It made me feel more sane to learn that it is modus operandi for alcoholics to lie, manipulate, blame others, keep secrets, employ "smoke and mirrors" tactics, avoid responsibility, and accuse.
My husband is deep down a very good person. I love him so much. I miss the man he used to be. I am working on "detach with love" and disentangling from him and it's really helping me open my eyes and really, truly SEE what is going on. I do all this for my own good, and that of our kids, but I also do it because not continuing to enable him is the most loving thing I can do for him, too.
Hang in there. SR is a really helpful place and it helps to know you are not alone. Knowledge truly is power and this is a good place to learn. Also check into Al Anon meetings in your area and try a few different ones until you find one that feels like a good fit. If nothing else sitting in on them helps you realize your problem is very common and you are not nuts!
Your story could be mine, right down to the 'excuse' for the drinking.Last spring I set out to educate myself about alcohol abuse because I had truly come to the end of my rope. Educating myself was extremely helpful. I read tons on the internet and attended some Al-Anon meetings. I concluded that nothing would change unless I took action. I wound up asking my husband to move out. We have 20 years and 4 kids together. We have been mostly separated for four months but attend marriage counseling; he has cut back on drinking but has not stopped, even in the face of losing his wife. It has been profoundly difficult, and sad, and I'm heartbroken, but it has been very helpful to have the peace and space to process my thoughts. This break has truly confirmed just how disfunctional our lives had become. I had lost my husband to an affair --- with Lady Beer (and as I found out, Lady Vodka). I am not going to let me or our kids get further pulled into this toxic three-way marriage.
It made me feel more sane to learn that it is modus operandi for alcoholics to lie, manipulate, blame others, keep secrets, employ "smoke and mirrors" tactics, avoid responsibility, and accuse.
My husband is deep down a very good person. I love him so much. I miss the man he used to be. I am working on "detach with love" and disentangling from him and it's really helping me open my eyes and really, truly SEE what is going on. I do all this for my own good, and that of our kids, but I also do it because not continuing to enable him is the most loving thing I can do for him, too.
Hang in there. SR is a really helpful place and it helps to know you are not alone. Knowledge truly is power and this is a good place to learn. Also check into Al Anon meetings in your area and try a few different ones until you find one that feels like a good fit. If nothing else sitting in on them helps you realize your problem is very common and you are not nuts!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Welcome. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. First of all, let me say that one thing I have learned from the SR group is that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Addicts are master-manipulators....they only want to protect their drug of choice. You are no longer dealing with your husband, you are dealing with ADDICTION.
Addicts love to place blame anywhere but with themselves. My AH doesn't blame me neccessarily, but there's always a "reason" he uses pills.
I too feel as if he's "cheating" on me with drugs...the hurt is the same.
Definitely get the codepency book mentioned above. I've just started it and it's GREAT.
It's time to think of YOUR happiness. It sounds as if he makes you miserable. Life is too short to be playing detective everyday and feeding off of his moods.
Your children will be at their best when Mommy is at hers.
Hang in there and keep posting. Never forget the the bulk of words that come out of an addicts mouth are to protect their addiction and bring you down.
Stay strong.
Addicts love to place blame anywhere but with themselves. My AH doesn't blame me neccessarily, but there's always a "reason" he uses pills.
I too feel as if he's "cheating" on me with drugs...the hurt is the same.
Definitely get the codepency book mentioned above. I've just started it and it's GREAT.
It's time to think of YOUR happiness. It sounds as if he makes you miserable. Life is too short to be playing detective everyday and feeding off of his moods.
Your children will be at their best when Mommy is at hers.
Hang in there and keep posting. Never forget the the bulk of words that come out of an addicts mouth are to protect their addiction and bring you down.
Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 25
Thanks
Thank you all very much. What you all said makes perfect sense. I always thought that my husband was somehow "different" from other alcoholics in that he holds a good job, is well liked by others, and otherwise very responsible aside from his drinking. But I'm quickly learning that he really is no different. That I do deserve a better life for myself. But it is still hard because it is not all bad. In some ways, I wish it were. Then things would be more clear cut for me. On the other hand, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't have tolerated as much as I have thus far. I will continuing reading and continue posting. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi JustanotherWOA and Welcome to SR!
I too am married to a "functioning" AH. I put quotes on functioning because he has tried to convince me that "he's not that bad!", "he has a very successful career"... and on and on. All things that get said to confuse me, and thrown me off from reality. The reality is - my husband is an alcoholic and he needs to drink - and nothing I say or do can stop that or control it.
I LOVE what Thumper poster. I'm very much like her. For years, I lived in denial/la-la land. I desperately wanted that fairytale life with the cute house, doting husband, two kids, and a golden retriever! Well, I got it, for the most part... except my husband. He just can't be that model husband that I wish for... because he's an alcoholic.
I filed for divorce back in April, but we are still living together. I started the process, and then slipped back into my denial. I bought into the empty promises that 1) he'd stop drinking and 2) he/we'd go to counseling. Sad to say that in 4 months - neither has happened... that's the reality of addiction. Lots of promises, well intended promises, that just can't be kept.
I know my husband loves me. He's told me that he knows his actions/behaviors disappoint me. BUT... nothing changes, and it won't because he is no where near ready to accept his disease and get help for it.
In the meantime, I'm focusing on me and learning all I can about addiction. As others will attest... our alcoholic loved ones have a drinking disease... WE having a THINKING one! I attend Al-anon meetings and have a sponsor so that I can recover from the effects of living this insane life for 10yrs! Trying to figure out whether or not he was drinking, how to make it stop, how to manipulate the situation to protect myself... it made me a crazy-ass woman. I did things I'm not proud of. I treated my husband as a lesser human-being. BUT... I'm getting better now. I'm cleaning up MY side of the street. Maybe some day my AH finds recovery, and we can salvage our marriage... maybe not... but at the very least, I know I held up my end of the deal!
Thanks for letting me share! I'm glad you're hear - keep coming back!
Shannon
I too am married to a "functioning" AH. I put quotes on functioning because he has tried to convince me that "he's not that bad!", "he has a very successful career"... and on and on. All things that get said to confuse me, and thrown me off from reality. The reality is - my husband is an alcoholic and he needs to drink - and nothing I say or do can stop that or control it.
I LOVE what Thumper poster. I'm very much like her. For years, I lived in denial/la-la land. I desperately wanted that fairytale life with the cute house, doting husband, two kids, and a golden retriever! Well, I got it, for the most part... except my husband. He just can't be that model husband that I wish for... because he's an alcoholic.
I filed for divorce back in April, but we are still living together. I started the process, and then slipped back into my denial. I bought into the empty promises that 1) he'd stop drinking and 2) he/we'd go to counseling. Sad to say that in 4 months - neither has happened... that's the reality of addiction. Lots of promises, well intended promises, that just can't be kept.
I know my husband loves me. He's told me that he knows his actions/behaviors disappoint me. BUT... nothing changes, and it won't because he is no where near ready to accept his disease and get help for it.
In the meantime, I'm focusing on me and learning all I can about addiction. As others will attest... our alcoholic loved ones have a drinking disease... WE having a THINKING one! I attend Al-anon meetings and have a sponsor so that I can recover from the effects of living this insane life for 10yrs! Trying to figure out whether or not he was drinking, how to make it stop, how to manipulate the situation to protect myself... it made me a crazy-ass woman. I did things I'm not proud of. I treated my husband as a lesser human-being. BUT... I'm getting better now. I'm cleaning up MY side of the street. Maybe some day my AH finds recovery, and we can salvage our marriage... maybe not... but at the very least, I know I held up my end of the deal!
Thanks for letting me share! I'm glad you're hear - keep coming back!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
JustanotherWOA,
First the good news.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
His drinking is his problem, there is nothing you can do to make him want to quit. He will quit only when he is ready. Totally outside of your control. You can just let go of that right now.
Now the bad news.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If he remains an active alcoholic it will get worse. Things are not going to get better on their own. An alcoholic ends up in one of three places, recovery, jail or the grave. That's it.
Now even better news.
Through Al-anon you can begin your own recovery. You can get better whether he does or not. Totally up to you. You can end up in a much better place no matter what he does. Al-anon has truly helped me to move from a place very much like where you are now to a place where I am happy and enjoy life again. They will give you the tools and the support you need on how to use them.
So, please keep posting here. We are here to help and please look into Al-anon. It can change your life, I know it did mine.
Your friend,
First the good news.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
His drinking is his problem, there is nothing you can do to make him want to quit. He will quit only when he is ready. Totally outside of your control. You can just let go of that right now.
Now the bad news.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If he remains an active alcoholic it will get worse. Things are not going to get better on their own. An alcoholic ends up in one of three places, recovery, jail or the grave. That's it.
Now even better news.
Through Al-anon you can begin your own recovery. You can get better whether he does or not. Totally up to you. You can end up in a much better place no matter what he does. Al-anon has truly helped me to move from a place very much like where you are now to a place where I am happy and enjoy life again. They will give you the tools and the support you need on how to use them.
So, please keep posting here. We are here to help and please look into Al-anon. It can change your life, I know it did mine.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Hi JustanotherWOA and Welcome to SR!
I know my husband loves me. He's told me that he knows his actions/behaviors disappoint me. BUT... nothing changes
Trying to figure out whether or not he was drinking, how to make it stop, how to manipulate the situation to protect myself... it made me a crazy-ass woman. I did things I'm not proud of. I treated my husband as a lesser human-being.
I know my husband loves me. He's told me that he knows his actions/behaviors disappoint me. BUT... nothing changes
Trying to figure out whether or not he was drinking, how to make it stop, how to manipulate the situation to protect myself... it made me a crazy-ass woman. I did things I'm not proud of. I treated my husband as a lesser human-being.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
Get out, run away as fast as you can. Alcoholics are very sick but they are also very devious. they being out behaviours in us that we don't like. You will start to accept them as the norm.
Run and run as fast as you can.
Run and run as fast as you can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by JustanotherWOA
This is my situation exactly. Makes me feel awful. I am not that crazy person. We only bring out the ugly in each other and I hate it. It makes me so sad. I need to do better for myself and my kids. Thanks for listening and responding.
That was part of my fantasy - that I was kind, patient, understanding, independent, carefree, respectful, and happy as a person and as a mother with happy kids. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was no longer any of those things and hadn't been in quite some time.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thumper, yeah I know that feeling. I know when I hit I had this internal scream of pain that I thought would never end. It's hard to believe that just living can hurt that bad. Thank god for SR and Al-anon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Thumper
My behavior brought me to my bottom just as much as his. I realized I could not be the person I wanted to be w/in the framework of alcoholism.
That was part of my fantasy - that I was kind, patient, understanding, independent, carefree, respectful, and happy as a person and as a mother with happy kids. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was no longer any of those things and hadn't been in quite some time.
That was part of my fantasy - that I was kind, patient, understanding, independent, carefree, respectful, and happy as a person and as a mother with happy kids. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was no longer any of those things and hadn't been in quite some time.
What you wrote here Thumper describes me to a T and describes why I think it is that I've been feeling very emotional lately. I'm finding ME again and finding myself being the mother I should have been all along now that I'm apart from AH. What you wrote above could be verbatim from my own lips. You said it so well and it's so so true. I tried to think I could be a great person, a good mother, empathetic, caring and not let AH get to me and still stay with him. And it was only after some seriously crazy $hit (on my part) this summer that I realized one of us was going to wind up institutionalized (okay an exagerration!) if I didn't do something different. I am being blamed for everything by AH and his family right now and it sucks and hurts, but the peace of being away from the madness that had become "normal" and finding who I am again has been well worth it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
MY ex-husband WAS like yours. Successful and very sweet, but drank too much. Over time though, it gets worse. At 40, he started acting weirder and weirder. He lost clients, he lost motivation to work, he became immature and selfish and very unhappy with everything. Then he just went totally insane basically, and in the last year has been in multiple rehabs, gotten a DUI, I had to get a protective order against him because he was calling me 20+ times a day and harassing me. It became pretty surreal actually, and if anyone had told me five years ago he'd act like this, I would have never believed them in a million years. He was a great Dad, now he doesn't care about his little kids at all.
Alcoholism is progressive. Not to say all of this will happen to your husband, but many people are pretty functional until one day they aren't anymore.
Alcoholism is progressive. Not to say all of this will happen to your husband, but many people are pretty functional until one day they aren't anymore.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi WOA, and Welcome!
The one thing that I had to learn.....there is nothing I can say or do that will get the A to change their behavior, and ultimatums only work if I act on the "or else". I hope that your husband will find a recovery program that he likes and that works for him.
Hugs, HG
The one thing that I had to learn.....there is nothing I can say or do that will get the A to change their behavior, and ultimatums only work if I act on the "or else". I hope that your husband will find a recovery program that he likes and that works for him.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thank you all very much. What you all said makes perfect sense. I always thought that my husband was somehow "different" from other alcoholics in that he holds a good job, is well liked by others, and otherwise very responsible aside from his drinking. But I'm quickly learning that he really is no different. That I do deserve a better life for myself. But it is still hard because it is not all bad. In some ways, I wish it were. Then things would be more clear cut for me. On the other hand, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't have tolerated as much as I have thus far. I will continuing reading and continue posting. Thank you.
I know so so so well the feeling of "it's not that bad" and I imagine he's told you you're blowing things out of proportion plenty of times so that you wonder if maybe you are? (you aren't).
No one deserves verbal abuse, no one deserves to be blamed for another persons' choices/addiction/disease etc. Your H is treating you badly and you did nothing to bring it on, you won't be able to love him out it and until HE decides to stop he'll continue to treat you that way since you are the closest target.
Again, I am sorry for all you're going through and I truly can relate.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You are not alone; we understand.
I too became a crazy woman while living with active alcoholism
My AH was charming, funny, employed, kind - on the outside; but as stated, alcoholism is progressive. Outsiders didn't see the angry outbursts, the verbal assaults, the loss of body functions, the bed wetting, the debts, the gambling, the classic alcoholic behavior of a disease that progresses.
This is a link that contains steps to help you while living with active alcoholism/addiction. I followed these steps to find myself and protect myself and children from the progress of his alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You are not alone; we understand.
I too became a crazy woman while living with active alcoholism
My AH was charming, funny, employed, kind - on the outside; but as stated, alcoholism is progressive. Outsiders didn't see the angry outbursts, the verbal assaults, the loss of body functions, the bed wetting, the debts, the gambling, the classic alcoholic behavior of a disease that progresses.
This is a link that contains steps to help you while living with active alcoholism/addiction. I followed these steps to find myself and protect myself and children from the progress of his alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WTBH, brought up a good point. Some things to consider as you work your way through this.
Active alcoholics lie, all of them.
Active alcoholics are in denial, all of them.
Active alcoholics will blame anyone of anything as long as they don't have to take responsibility, all of them.
Active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages, all of them.
Of course as active codies (codependents) will believe all their lies, help them with their denial, take responsibility for all their failures and fail to see that we are hostages in a horrible situation, it is much easier to pretend that all either is well or could be well if only....
Only he can decide to stop being an active alcoholic.
Only you can decide to stop being an active codie.
BTW, welcome to control freak central. It's what we codie's do. It is our DOC (drug of choice).
Active alcoholics lie, all of them.
Active alcoholics are in denial, all of them.
Active alcoholics will blame anyone of anything as long as they don't have to take responsibility, all of them.
Active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages, all of them.
Of course as active codies (codependents) will believe all their lies, help them with their denial, take responsibility for all their failures and fail to see that we are hostages in a horrible situation, it is much easier to pretend that all either is well or could be well if only....
Only he can decide to stop being an active alcoholic.
Only you can decide to stop being an active codie.
BTW, welcome to control freak central. It's what we codie's do. It is our DOC (drug of choice).
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Pelican
My AH was charming, funny, employed, kind - on the outside; but as stated, alcoholism is progressive. Outsiders didn't see the angry outbursts, the verbal assaults, the loss of body functions, the bed wetting, the debts, the gambling, the classic alcoholic behavior of a disease that progresses.
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