Thumper

There is hope for everyone, especially you - because you get to decide your own future.

I felt hopeless for a very.long.time. I felt that this was my life, my situation, my choice, and I would just get through it, one day at a time, until I died.

Once I let go of outcomes, once I just did the next right thing, once I gave myself permission to do what was right in this moment, I was able to be more hopeful. I was locked into one answer (and was not listening to the little voice inside me that was trying to look out for me) - and that is a recipe for hopeless no matter what the situation. That voice is our hope, we just have to listen for it.

MsPINKAcres

prayers and good thoughts for you and that precious little one ~ for strength, courage, wisdom and guidance from your HP for you to know what is healthiest for both of you.

From my experience, in doing what is healthiest for ourselves we allow our loved ones the opportunity to make the choice to do what is healthiest for their lives too ~ they may not make the choice we wish they would, but we have stepped out of the way and given them the respect, dignity and ability to decide on their own.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

nodaybut2day

oh Singer, I so feel for you and I'm sending you as many virtual hugs as you can handle.

Seeing as you have accepted the futility of arguing/begging/pleading/raging at an alcoholic, perhaps it is time for you to start looking at what YOU can do to find and protect your serenity. Your AW is clearly not ready to seek recovery and who knows if/when she will ever be. You and your daughter BOTH deserves a sane, healthy and happy home, and from where I sit, it won't be possible with your AW there, continuing to resist recovery. To me, a home is a refuge, a place to return to after a hard day, where you can relax, get into some comfy clothing, get hugs from loved ones and laugh/eat/rest before venturing out into the world again. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to create that for yourself and your little one.

Now, let's talk about you. What do you want out life? Where do you see yourself in a year? In five years? What steps do you need to take to get to where you want to be?

I realize that making life-altering changes isn't as easy as writing some list on a discussion forum...but that's where it starts. When you give yourself permission to go after what you need to be fulfilled, you suddenly find that drive to make those difficult choices and take action.

Very recently, I had to take action (once again) to protect my daughter from the choices I made, and though it was very sad for me, I immediately saw the effects on her. Suddenly, I found that the cloud of insecurity lifted, the tantrums all but disappeared, and I got back my happy, giggly little girl. That's how I knew I made the right decision.

Here's another to you for good measure. Keep posting. SR will always be here.

singerofsadsong

Initial therapy session went ok. AW stated she was willing to work on the problems. I of course am willing to do whatever I need to do. I'll keep posting updates. One thing recommended to me was to read the book, "Codependency no more" which I have already ordered. AW was recommended to read "In the realm of hungry ghosts"

@nodaybut2day

I long for the day where home is a place of peace. It normally is, but you never know what you are coming home to with a AW who slips once a week or so.

Your questions about my life are...well...tough. I started thinking about them a little, and found that I am basically defining myself by my wife's problems. Like what is my goal...well it was to have a healthy relationship with my wife, but I started thinking about my new son, and now it is to pass on my values, or at least make sure he make sure he becomes a morally sound and intelligent man. I am still thinking about your other questions.

choublak

Mouthwash poisoning?

purpleflower8

Here is the link to the story about listerine....how very sad
OOPS, I can't post a link, but search in here for the title i just looked his death certificate

/forums/alcoholism/230991-i-just-looked-his-death-certificate.html

m1k3

Singer, I feel so sorry for you. I left my wife of 36 years about 4 months ago. I know the pain of living with an AW.

My question is what are you doing for you? I found out it is really important for me to be selfish and focus on my recovery first. Whatever happens happens. She may go into recovery, she may not, she may give up drinking, she may not. That is all outside of your control. I found out that things got better for me when I focused on me. I stopped trying to own her problems and began to work on fixing my own.

As a codependent my drug of choice is my AW. As long as I am working on her problems I don't have to look at the gaping hole in my life. By focusing on me, I am filling that hole, starting to heal and putting myself in a place where I enjoy life again. I am in a much better place than I have been for 15 years. I know there is still room for lots of improvement but I am not in a hurry to get there because I am already in a place where life is good.

You can get there also. Keep reading and posting here, going to meetings, reading your literature and focusing on yourself and your child.

Give you wife the room and respect to work her own recovery if she so chooses. Remember she has the right to choose to NOT recover. That is her choice and hers alone.

Your friend,

wellnowwhat

Now, let's talk about you. What do you want out life? Where do you see yourself in a year? In five years? What steps do you need to take to get to where you want to be?

I realize that making life-altering changes isn't as easy as writing some list on a discussion forum...but that's where it starts. When you give yourself permission to go after what you need to be fulfilled, you suddenly find that drive to make those difficult choices and take action.

This is the first thing I read when I logged on, and it is exactly what I needed to read! Thank you!

StarCat

Here's the link for you, purpleflower. Thanks for hunting it down.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rtificate.html

seek

I have a question: Why do you have to have mouthwash? It is not a necessity of life. I realize that you pouring booze out is not helpful, so I guess you pouring mouthwash out would not be helpful either - but if she is in recovery and there is no booze in the house, why wouldn't it be prudent to get rid of the mouthwash, as well?

least

I am curious as to why you have a breathalyzer in your car.

singerofsadsong

AW has 2-4 dui's

seek

And again, why MUST you have mouthwash in the house?

nodaybut2day

I'm a bit of a granola hippy and I've ditched commecial mouthwash because of all the crap that's in it: benzalkonium chloride, calcium, cetylpyridinium chloride, chlorhexidine gluconate, domiphen bromide, enzymes, eucalyptol, fluoride, hexetidine, hydrogen peroxide, menthol, methylparaben, methyl salicylate and thymol...Sweeteners such as sorbitol, sodium saccharine, sucralose and xylitol are also often included, and some brands may have as much as 27% alcohol...

A sea salt rinse is quite enough for me thank you.

singerofsadsong

We don't. We used to have to because the Dentist specifically recommended it when AW was recovering from oral surgery.

For the record, she currently doesn't appear to be drinking mouthwash. It was just on my mind and the point I was fed up enough with worrying about her drinking to post, and I am glad I did because I did not know how dangerous it was. But she is drinking alcohol 1-2 times a week, even though she is "trying" to stay sober. I will certainly advocate that she does not buy regular mouthwash, but I am just along for the ride, I am also encouraging her not to drink alcohol but that is not stopping her.

I am waiting to receive my "codependency nomore" and continuing my education to learn how to properly handle these situations.

bellakeller

This book has helped me so much.