Further proof that I need to work on my recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
Further proof that I need to work on my recovery...
I am really embarrassed. I sought my XABF out yesterday and caused a public scene. I went to get a cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee place which happens to be right by one of his haunts. I noticed his bike locked up outside the bar. As I got my coffee I started getting so angry that he was there getting drunk on this GORGEOUS Sunday afternoon. This was the type of day that we would have been out riding bikes or playing frisbee when he was sober.
As I left the coffeehouse I walked to the bar and saw him in there drinking with a couple other guys. It's one of those bars that have the big garage door-type windows that open up. I just stood there and stared inside at him until he turned around and saw me. He was shocked. His response was something like, "Oh my God, Mo! What are you doing here? Can we talk?" At that point I went ape$hit. I started berating him about what a POS he is for being inside drinking on a day like this, how of course he isn't working on his sobriety, how he broke my heart, ruined my life, how the guys he was drinking with were POS's too and that they should stay away from him, etc. When I finished I was crying and shaking. Everyone in the bar was staring at me. It was ugly. I hurried to my car, drove home, flopped onto my bed and cried for an hour.
At first I thought that I was crying because I had made myself look like a fool or that I had embarrassed my XABF. As I calmed down and thought more about it I realized that I don't care what those people in that bar think about me. I don't care how it made my XABF feel. I was crying because I was/am ashamed that I allowed myself to "go there". The mere fact that I uttered the words "you ruined my life" makes me sick. I realize even more than ever how ill I am from the 1.5 year relationship I had with this man. I think it has been an ah ha! moment for me. I got my alanon literature out and read for a good, long while. I will go to my meeting tonight with a renewed sense of need for it.
Peace.
Maureen
As I left the coffeehouse I walked to the bar and saw him in there drinking with a couple other guys. It's one of those bars that have the big garage door-type windows that open up. I just stood there and stared inside at him until he turned around and saw me. He was shocked. His response was something like, "Oh my God, Mo! What are you doing here? Can we talk?" At that point I went ape$hit. I started berating him about what a POS he is for being inside drinking on a day like this, how of course he isn't working on his sobriety, how he broke my heart, ruined my life, how the guys he was drinking with were POS's too and that they should stay away from him, etc. When I finished I was crying and shaking. Everyone in the bar was staring at me. It was ugly. I hurried to my car, drove home, flopped onto my bed and cried for an hour.
At first I thought that I was crying because I had made myself look like a fool or that I had embarrassed my XABF. As I calmed down and thought more about it I realized that I don't care what those people in that bar think about me. I don't care how it made my XABF feel. I was crying because I was/am ashamed that I allowed myself to "go there". The mere fact that I uttered the words "you ruined my life" makes me sick. I realize even more than ever how ill I am from the 1.5 year relationship I had with this man. I think it has been an ah ha! moment for me. I got my alanon literature out and read for a good, long while. I will go to my meeting tonight with a renewed sense of need for it.
Peace.
Maureen
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Maureen,
I have been there myself... the shame and guilt I have for my own behavior is gut-wrenching. In doing a Step 8, I have come to realize that one of the people I have hurt the most... is myself. I have forgotten who I want to be as a person... allowed myself to slip back into the insanity and it puts deep scars in my soul.
Good for you for getting back into your books and recovery! You did the next right thing and that's all that matters!!!
Sending big virtual hugs your way!
Shannon
I have been there myself... the shame and guilt I have for my own behavior is gut-wrenching. In doing a Step 8, I have come to realize that one of the people I have hurt the most... is myself. I have forgotten who I want to be as a person... allowed myself to slip back into the insanity and it puts deep scars in my soul.
Good for you for getting back into your books and recovery! You did the next right thing and that's all that matters!!!
Sending big virtual hugs your way!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I've lost it before - it happens and happens fast. And then we are verbally vomiting all over someone. And afterwards, we feel even worse...not fair!
Here's an Al-Anon saying that I have hanging on my fridge to remind me to button my lip and walk away:
Things can't always go as you want them to. Accept disappointment quietly, cultivate the gift of silence when speaking may aggravate the difficulty.
I am pretty outspoken (aka have a big mouth!) and learning to shut up has been one of the greatest lessons in my recovery. But also the hardest! ; )
You're doing great...hang in there...
~T
Here's an Al-Anon saying that I have hanging on my fridge to remind me to button my lip and walk away:
Things can't always go as you want them to. Accept disappointment quietly, cultivate the gift of silence when speaking may aggravate the difficulty.
I am pretty outspoken (aka have a big mouth!) and learning to shut up has been one of the greatest lessons in my recovery. But also the hardest! ; )
You're doing great...hang in there...
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Maureen...
Check out yesterday's reading from One Day at Time!! So timely!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-al-anon.html
(Thank you Meredith for your service!!!!)
Check out yesterday's reading from One Day at Time!! So timely!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-al-anon.html
(Thank you Meredith for your service!!!!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Well, was any of what you said untrue? He did kinda "ruin your life" for a while there, and he broke your heart.
Just think of it as your last hurrah. You set the record straight. Sure, you feel bad for losing your cool, but you can't change it, and it won't happen again. Now you'll get on with "living well is the best revenge."
Just think of it as your last hurrah. You set the record straight. Sure, you feel bad for losing your cool, but you can't change it, and it won't happen again. Now you'll get on with "living well is the best revenge."
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by akrasia 
He did kinda "ruin your life" for a while there, and he broke your heart.
Lashing out at others for perceived "wrongs" does so much damage... to them and us. It is never acceptable to rage on someone, ever. When it happens... when we find ourselves being someone we don't like, we need to stop... examine our own behavior, and if/when the time comes, we need to make amends for our wrong doings.
No matter what those around chose to do/not do... WE are responsible for living our lives with dignity and respect.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
Thank you for sharing this moment in your life. It shows how working a program does not mean we become perfect. We get to take daily inventories and make corrections as we go along. This isn't a pass or fail type of thing; it's a work in progress. I was cringing as I read your post because I can completely understand what was in your head and how easy it is to go there. I'm so sorry you had a meltdown.
But I'm very impressed with how quickly you were able to identify the problem and get back on track. You didn't try to justify your actions. Clearly, your program is working for you.
But I'm very impressed with how quickly you were able to identify the problem and get back on track. You didn't try to justify your actions. Clearly, your program is working for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This is what I figure: there are good days and there are learning days. You just experienced the latter.
What I had to do to stop feeling like a victim was to take responsibility for my own words and actions. When I got sober I was in a destructive alcoholic relationship that had to go if I wanted to stay sober. The guy harassed me for a year by calling and hanging up the phone. What's my part in this? Well .... I picked him. Ouch! It hurt to see that, but this has been an invaluable tool that has saved me a great deal of pain. It's learning that actions have consequences and I'd better be ready to deal with bad consequences if I choose sick people.
What I had to do to stop feeling like a victim was to take responsibility for my own words and actions. When I got sober I was in a destructive alcoholic relationship that had to go if I wanted to stay sober. The guy harassed me for a year by calling and hanging up the phone. What's my part in this? Well .... I picked him. Ouch! It hurt to see that, but this has been an invaluable tool that has saved me a great deal of pain. It's learning that actions have consequences and I'd better be ready to deal with bad consequences if I choose sick people.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
We would not have brought our lives *here* if this is where we were not meant to be.
Your life isn't ruined. Your life is gifted with lessons.
He was a temporary teacher.
You are beginning to see yourself through his teachings.
You are learning to see who you want to (and don't want to) be.
You are learning to see all the greatness you deserve.
You are learning you can choose how to handle hard times.
You can handle them with a little more ease - a little more grace - you can see that is possible (in your seeing your own behavior you didn't like).
These are gifts.
It may come as a surprise, but you are doing a great job.
Keep at it and hold yourself ever so gently.
Peace
fp
Your life isn't ruined. Your life is gifted with lessons.
He was a temporary teacher.
You are beginning to see yourself through his teachings.
You are learning to see who you want to (and don't want to) be.
You are learning to see all the greatness you deserve.
You are learning you can choose how to handle hard times.
You can handle them with a little more ease - a little more grace - you can see that is possible (in your seeing your own behavior you didn't like).
These are gifts.
It may come as a surprise, but you are doing a great job.
Keep at it and hold yourself ever so gently.
Peace
fp
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
Dear Masuhanley,
I left my stbxah 4 months ago when his verbal abuse turned physical. It has been a long tough ride since then and I find strength to move forward where and when ever I can. I usually am doing very well. I have gone to a couple al anon meetings and then I found this site. I am sad to say I have fallen off of my own wagon of recovery yesterday. I had lunch with a friend and drank too much wine, (I haven't had a drink since I left because of my hatred of the disease and him). I actually ended up at his house to tell him the exact things you did! He pretended he wasn't home so I left frustrated and feeling like an idiot. I beat myself up about it all evening and woke up feeling even worse. Your sharing of this episode has helped me to realize I am not the only one living in Crazy Town. Its ok to feel anger and I am letting it go. I am going to forget about it and get on with my day!
Just because I haven’t finished my journey doesn’t mean I am not going to.
HUGS!
I left my stbxah 4 months ago when his verbal abuse turned physical. It has been a long tough ride since then and I find strength to move forward where and when ever I can. I usually am doing very well. I have gone to a couple al anon meetings and then I found this site. I am sad to say I have fallen off of my own wagon of recovery yesterday. I had lunch with a friend and drank too much wine, (I haven't had a drink since I left because of my hatred of the disease and him). I actually ended up at his house to tell him the exact things you did! He pretended he wasn't home so I left frustrated and feeling like an idiot. I beat myself up about it all evening and woke up feeling even worse. Your sharing of this episode has helped me to realize I am not the only one living in Crazy Town. Its ok to feel anger and I am letting it go. I am going to forget about it and get on with my day!
Just because I haven’t finished my journey doesn’t mean I am not going to.
HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Hey:
"No one is powerful enough to ruin our lives. It's just not possible. If our lives are not what we want them to be, it is a result of our own choices."
You'll note I put "ruin" in quotes!
But all the same, living with an alcoholic is damaging. You can leave and recover from it all, but it's damage all the same. Let's not blame the victim.
Yeah, it was silly to search him out instead of enjoying the lovely day, but I still think the guy had it coming. Probably about damn time someone bit his head off.
"No one is powerful enough to ruin our lives. It's just not possible. If our lives are not what we want them to be, it is a result of our own choices."
You'll note I put "ruin" in quotes!
But all the same, living with an alcoholic is damaging. You can leave and recover from it all, but it's damage all the same. Let's not blame the victim.
Yeah, it was silly to search him out instead of enjoying the lovely day, but I still think the guy had it coming. Probably about damn time someone bit his head off.
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