bayness0

I have (had) a beautiful and lovely wife we also have 2 children. She started drinking 7 years ago and I have tried to support her throughout it all despite losing our home and everything.

I made all the usual mistakes, couldn't work because she would get plastered looking after the children (I found out about her drinking when my 6 year old son ran up the road looking for help after she fell and smashed her head).

Tried drinking with her, actually stopped when I started waking up wanting a drink.

I am ready to stay with her till our children grow up and fly the nest but it seems that is not what she wants.

She blames me for her drinking and went out to a friends wedding and got totally hammered (she has no memory) and she ended up sleeping with someone else, it is also highly likely she did cocaine as there was plenty at the wedding (she has done this in the past). Also, just to make things worse, she fell over and broke her front tooth in half (the dentist has managed to fix it but it is not quite right).

Now she wants me out of our rented house and last Monday she announced she has stopped drinking.

Last night the house stank of red wine (we all know the smell) and she was locked in the garage drinking wine from one of those containers for washing machine liquid.

I don't know what is happening to her but if she thinks I am going to leave my kids with her she is very much mistaken.

I took the bold step today of telling her mother, not sure whether that is a good thing or bad (not even sure she believes me).

I feel a bit better for saying something.

If anyone has been here and has any advice please help as all advice is welcome.

catlovermi

We do have some men here in your situation; hopefully they will come along.

You are not in a hopeless situation! There are difficult decisions ahead, however.

Do you know about Al-Anon family groups? They are free community support meetings for anyone who is affected negatively by someone else's drinking - you will find a room full of compassionate "experts" there in your own neighborhood, to help you navigate these waters.

I'll keep this short; there are many here to chime in.

Please be patient, take a tour of the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of topics for this forum, and others will be along!

We are here to support you, and help you get your family to a healthier life!

CLMI

dollydo

Welcome,

My only advice is to do whatever it takes to protect those children. They will be affected their entire life by living in this toxic enviorment. Adult children of alcoholics suffer from depression, anxiety, impulsivness and a negative self image. Not to mention that they may carry the gene for addictive behavior themselves. Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. I know how children are affected as I lived in a home with two alcoholics.

A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family form h@ll.

As for your wife, this is her problem to resolve, you cannot fix her.

Read around this forum and the other F & F ones. Alot of your questions can be answered by reading others post. I would also suggest Alanon meetings.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

MMkM

Some of the more experienced members and moderators will be along to help.

All I will add is that I was the adult child of an alcoholic. And although as a child I remember a yelling parents marriage the drama of the alcholic (my Mom) did not start until we were adults.

And that was awful - they fall down, you find them just plastered, bruises where they have landed, the escalating drinking and the battles (even with other family members) to get them help.

Your little kids are watching and I am sure they are disturbed that their Mom is getting hurt, acting differently, having to run get help.

Have you made any plans to leave or anything?

This type of environment is not a safe, peaceful place for your kids, and a drain on you - your situation is already being affected in a negative way - as it usually is with an active self destructing alcoholic.

The group Al Anon is what you will want to join and work on you. Our efforts to get my Mom help always were useless and you learn here putting your energies in that is not healthy. And it rarely if ever stops an alcoholic determined to keep on with their drinking.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here.

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. We understand living with addiction. You are not alone.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as necessary.

I understand how frustrated, exhausted, and out of control you feel. I tried anything and everything to convince my alcoholic that change was needed. The result was I ended up with resentments; I ended up doubting myself; I ended up as a shell of my former self; I ended up not being able to help anyone - even myself.

I needed help. I needed support. I needed understanding.
The best resource for that is from professionals trained in addiction therapy or from others that have walked the same path.

SR, self-improvement books and Alanon meetings have given me the support, information and guidance I desperately needed.

Here is a link that contains steps that helped me along my recovery journey (Yes I needed recovery from living with the chaos of someone else's addiction)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

bayness0

Thanks for all your kind replies. Part of the problem with living with an alcoholic is that we try to cover everything up for them. That is exactly what I have been doing. Everyone thinks she is wonderful and she drinks a bit much when she goes out. They all think I am a miserly good for nothing.

My biggest worry at the moment is going to be the custody fight for my children. Like all partners of alcoholics I lived for the day when she would be better and everything would be alright - stupid me.

I am looking at being homeless in the next couple of weeks because we rent from a friend of hers. She has hidden the tenancy agreement so I don't even have hte phone number for the landlord.

However, I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday (the first time I talked to anyone about it) and the forces of the local health team should swing into action. Hopefully they will be effective in helping me fight for my children.

GettingBy

HI Bayness and welcome!

I understand so clearly how you feel. I am married to an alcoholic husband and we have two small children. I want out of the situation - but have come to understand there are legal ramifications to sudden and irrational decisions. As much as I would love to just up and walk out of my house with kids in tow, I can't. I have an attorney who is guiding me through the process so that I don't do something stupid that risks my ability to have custody of the children. Yes, my husband is an alcoholic but my irrational behavior would also come across as me being seen as an unfit parent.

SO, I am staying put - going to al-anon, working hard at learning/practicing detachment from the alcoholic insanity, and plugging away at our separation agreement (which spells out custody, child support, etc). I can not leave until those legal parameters have been established - sucks but true.

I would suggest that the next thing you do... is call an attorney and find out your rights. See if she can legally kick you out. If not, you STAY PUT with those babies.

My thoughts and prayers are with you... keep posting because we care and understand!
Shannon

m1k3

Welcome bayness0, I'm sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found us. My wife is an alcoholic also and I know what that is like. Luckily for me and my kids they were teenagers before their mom crawled into a bottle and decided she wanted to stay.

One of the really big things around here is the 3 c's.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Her drinking is her problem and you have to let that go. There is nothing you can do to fix it. She will get better only when she decides she wants to get better, if ever.

What you can do is to start taking care of your self.

My wife's drinking had a major impact on me. I was a wreck and to be honest it was killing me. I am in a much better place no due to SR and Al-Anon. Al-Anon is about helping you get your life back together. It is not about curing your alcoholic or helping you alcoholic get help. It is about you and how you can start focus your own life and be happy again. I know where you are now your thinking "yeah, right, like I'm going to be happy again", but I can speak from experience and say if you follow the program you can put yourself back into a place where happiness and contentment are normal feelings.

Posting here is also a great way to vent and reading here will give you a chance to see you are not alone and you are not crazy. There are huge amounts of wisdom, strength and experience here to help you with your journey.

As for young children living with an alcoholic parent all I can tell you is that it is not a healthy environment for children. My father was an alcoholic and I am still dealing with issues from that. And I'm 57.

You don't have to make any decisions today but just by posting here you have started with your first step towards your recovery.

So once again, welcome.

m1k3

Based on what I have read from other people in your situation can you document her drunkenness with pictures and/or video? Almost all cell phones now have cameras in them.

Maybe someone with experience in this could speak to this suggestion?

Your friend,

bayness0

It is difficult, I had plenty of opportunity before but you don't stay with an alcoholic thinking about divorce. I stayed hoping she would get sober and we could have a life again. I know it is hard to beleive, I don't beleive it myself now. But for the 7 years that is what I thought/hoped would happen.

I may stll get an opportunity to get the pictures/video. We are still in the same house at the moment and unless she knows an obscure rule about tenancy agreements she cannot force me out unless she gets the Landlord to evict me. I am sure the Landlord will do that for her as they are her friends but they will need to give me notice. I am sure she will give me the opportunity during this period.

mattmathews

Bayness,

I remember the first time I found the courage to tell someone that I thought my wife was an alcoholic. It was frightening, but I'm still very grateful for the compassion that person showed me...and I remember how much better I felt to have that secret out in the open. It took another 4 years before my wife & I reached our respective bottoms. (I made all those mistakes too.) If I could go back in time and give myself one piece of advice it would be to seek out an Al-anon meeting.
Living with an alcoholic makes us crazy. Al-anon has helped restore me to sanity. Having the opportunity to hear other from other survivors of alcoholism, and having the opportunity to share our stories with people who understand...it's been a gift.
Welcome to SR...keep coming back!