I am here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
I'm really being honest with myself I know I need to leave. I left briefly once before - I don't know why I went back. I think because I'm afraid. He has said he will make it ugly for me and I know how ugly he can make things. He is a bully. My friend says she is just waiting for the day I wake up and realize I am strong enough to take on this fight. I'm just not there yet.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 27
I know most people here are (maybe ex-)spouses/partners. I was an adult by the time my dad really began drinking heavily, but you might think of it this way: Not only do you teach people how to treat you, but you teach your children how adults treat each other too.
It's obvious you are concerned for their well-being. The crazy thing about alcoholism in a family is that none of the relationships get to be "normal." Not only is there an unhealthy dynamic between the alcoholic and other members of the family, there are also different dynamics between the non-alcoholic parent and the kids. In time you may start to feel that you are all functioning in a specific way that allows your husband to keep drinking (i.e. the kids don't stay home alone with dad because he's wasted) or that your husband becomes the bad guy and you become emotionally dependent on your children and they on you.
I am not trying to scare you by introducing more "what if"s. I would only encourage you to keep reaching out to others and to know how many are affected by the same feelings of shame and guilt that you have. Don't wait until it becomes unbearable to reach out.
It's obvious you are concerned for their well-being. The crazy thing about alcoholism in a family is that none of the relationships get to be "normal." Not only is there an unhealthy dynamic between the alcoholic and other members of the family, there are also different dynamics between the non-alcoholic parent and the kids. In time you may start to feel that you are all functioning in a specific way that allows your husband to keep drinking (i.e. the kids don't stay home alone with dad because he's wasted) or that your husband becomes the bad guy and you become emotionally dependent on your children and they on you.
I am not trying to scare you by introducing more "what if"s. I would only encourage you to keep reaching out to others and to know how many are affected by the same feelings of shame and guilt that you have. Don't wait until it becomes unbearable to reach out.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
You are not making too much out of his drinking. It is making you and your children unhappy. Seriously, if the lifestyle evolves around drinking then there is a major problem with it. Do not buy into his manipulation and lies. He is truly sick with his addiction. I'm glad you are on this board and looking into Al-anon. Here and in Al-anon you will find guidance, support, and the tools to gain your voice back. Do not second guess your decision, and it will pay off in the end.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Daughter333,
I very much appreciate your perspective. I worry constantly about what this is doing to my girls. I worry too what seperating would do to them. I try very hard to protect them from some of the uglier stuff. I know they have both seen and heard way more than they should. I know they feel the tension and see when I get upset and nervous. But I try to keep him from lashing out at them. I use every means I have to try to let them have something that looks as close to normal as I can. To the point I sometimes feel like I'm whoring myself out just to give my teenage daughter some freedom.
I very much appreciate your perspective. I worry constantly about what this is doing to my girls. I worry too what seperating would do to them. I try very hard to protect them from some of the uglier stuff. I know they have both seen and heard way more than they should. I know they feel the tension and see when I get upset and nervous. But I try to keep him from lashing out at them. I use every means I have to try to let them have something that looks as close to normal as I can. To the point I sometimes feel like I'm whoring myself out just to give my teenage daughter some freedom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by retswerb 
Daughter333,
I very much appreciate your perspective. I worry constantly about what this is doing to my girls. I worry too what seperating would do to them.
I very much appreciate your perspective. I worry constantly about what this is doing to my girls. I worry too what seperating would do to them.
I exposed my oldest daughter to insanity for the first 8 years of her life, and it left indelible scars on her. I'm not proud of that, and it took me years to forgive myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
retswerb - I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I agree w/ your friends; you are totally up for this fight! I stayed for all the same reasons w/ my friends asking me the same thing. I finally did leave. We are currently going through a divorce and it's painful but liberating at the same time. My sweet son, he's 10, said to me last week "mom, I just want to say thank you for breaking up. I still love him but I am so much happier!" I just melted. I don't think he will ever know how much that meant to me.
My point is, your kids will always love their dad. But, like Daugher333 pointed out, you can change the way they perceive relationships and people in the future by your decisions, no matter how scary they are. I know that my kids are going to grow up knowing respect, happiness, trust, faith, and most of all LOVE. This to me was worth all of the pain and terror of the last five months (when I first decided to file).
My point is, your kids will always love their dad. But, like Daugher333 pointed out, you can change the way they perceive relationships and people in the future by your decisions, no matter how scary they are. I know that my kids are going to grow up knowing respect, happiness, trust, faith, and most of all LOVE. This to me was worth all of the pain and terror of the last five months (when I first decided to file).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Cleveland OH
Posts: 4
retswerb...it's so easy to fall under their spell...like you, there was an A and blame shifting here. In the beginning I tried Al-Anon but I just wasn't cut out to handle recovery from an A and the Al-Anon meetings...course now I see the behaviors are all interrelated... today I struggle dealing with a recovering wife (reason I found SR)
Anyway...I just wanted to pass along a place and an approach that has helped me come to terms with the infidelities...dailystrength.org>infidelity>180Muc h like here you will find wonderful people...I find the SR is more helpful for dealing my AW while DS is really useful for dealing my CS
Hope you fnd a little peace today...
Anyway...I just wanted to pass along a place and an approach that has helped me come to terms with the infidelities...dailystrength.org>infidelity>180Muc h like here you will find wonderful people...I find the SR is more helpful for dealing my AW while DS is really useful for dealing my CS
Hope you fnd a little peace today...
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