onceuponadream

My girls are 3 and nearly 1. My husbands drinking is only affecting me right now (or so I think) since the verbal abuse and false accusations are directed at me after they are in bed and he's "going to that place". But as my oldest is growing up and becoming more aware of what is going on I'm scared that she will witness one of these attacks...I'm scared that it will someday be directed at her...I'm more concerned about protecting them from this than myself and I feel like I need to have some sort of plan in place to get us out of the house if I ever see something like this happening...he's never gotten physical with me but I'm afraid if I ever tried to leave with the girls he might get so angry that it could go there...

wellnowwhat

"I feel like I need to have some sort of plan in place to get us out of the house "

I agree. It sounds like you need a plan. It makes sense to start putting things in place before you must act. Keep your little ones' protection foremost in your thoughts.

And what are you getting out of staying?

Thinking of you and your little ones.

sojourner

Good for you for being concerned. Your children are affected in ways other than whether they witness the verbal attacks. They are affected because they sense your mood, your nervousness, your agitation that you carry with you all the time. And you would be surprised at what they hear at night when they are in bed.

I commend you for thinking of your children first and foremost. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Many people outside this forum will not see things the way you do and will judge you negatively. But just hang around these forums and read what many of us have had to say about having grown up with the active addiction of others in our own homes. Home - that place that is supposed to be a safe place to be - became the place we needed to avoid the most.

Keep coming back here. And also find Alanon/Naranon meetings to go to in your area. You and your children are worth it. So is your husband, but if he is not ready or able to change then you are the one to take charge.

You will learn, as you learn about alcohol abuse/addiction, that it is progressive. Your husband's behavior will get worse.

Thumper

Keep reading here and contact your local domestic violence hotline. They will help you with a safe plan for you and your girls.

Your gut is telling you that you need to protect yourself and your children. Always listen to that gut instinct.

nodaybut2day

In the middle of a huge screaming fit from my exAH, I visualized my baby girl as an adult woman, stuck in a marriage like mine, tiptoeing around her partner's addiction, being verbally/emotionally abused every day...then I became horrified. Then I felt helpless. Then I said "No f****** way am I letting that happen", and then I started to put together a plan to leave.

(and then I posted on SR about 5 times a day until my crisis period passed )

SoaringSpirits

Three months ago I asked my husband to leave. We have four kids ages 10 to 17. Seven years ago I began being very concerned about my husband's alcohol use. Everyone is right, it is progressive and gets worse. It has. Mostly the kids have not been aware that it's alcohol abuse per se, they just couldn't understand why their dad did not seem to 'like' them as much. My husband has been hypercritical, moody and has withdrawn from me. He never raged, never yelled. He just retreated to a barn to drink, leaving me alone with the kids many evenings and weekends. When my husband would come home from work, he'd enter the house and not even greet us, he'd just start in on ordering the kids to clean up and do chores. What used to be joyful kids shouting "Daddy is driving down the road!" was now a stressed, somewhat panicked "Daddy is driving down the road!" while they scurried to "look busy." It made me sick to see how we'd all grown around my husband's addiction.

When I told the kids in May that I had asked their dad to leave due to him being an alcoholic, they were stunned. The sad part is this: three of them are teens, and none of them thought we were abnormal or unhappy! So they were already internalizing all these toxic patterns. Then as time went by, they started sharing their observations about their dad --- the beer in the coffee mug in the car, the drinking in the car (with them!), the cases of beer they'd help him drag into the shed, all the ice they'd helped him fill a cooler with.

Your kids are at extremely formative ages. I have studied child development and attachment, and so much takes places between birth and three year old. They sense way more than you realize, and it does affect them. It's good you are making a plan to leave. This won't get any better on its own. Don't wait too long like I did.

lillamy

The kids will get affected. It's the only thing my son questioned when we left his father -- what took me so long. I have two children diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. If I could go back and do it differently, I would have left years earlier.

wifeypoo

I too have two girls, 14 & 9. I left my AH 3 weeks ago. His drunken verbal abuse began on my oldest. I found out she was cutting herself to release the emotional pain this caused her. I let him abuse me for years not thinking of the affects on my girls. The girls and I are happier, safer and working together in therepy.

Noone can tell you your path but LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

LittleApple

And just as important (if not more so) love your daughters.

onceuponadream

your responses have me in tears...I cant believe this is my life and I'm having to make these decisions...my eyes are opening...

Freedom1990

I agree. Children are like little sponges and they soak up every ugly emotion that is thrown around in a relationship with active alcoholism present. They are being affected; don't fool yourself.

My oldest daughter, now an active addict herself, spent the first 8 years of her life around active alcoholism/addiction.

What does your children's future look like to you, and what steps can you take to assure that future?

We have choices in life as adults, but the children don't. They are along for the ride, no matter how dysfunctional it is.

You are the only voice that they have.

I learned the hard way the long-term effects it had on my oldest addicted daughter.

mhealer3

o dear lady, my heart feels ur pain.
i was there 2, long ago.
regardless the plan u choose, or advice u take--
be penetrating heaven to touch the heart of God Who Loves u.
no matter our errors or foolishness, God's awesome healing will cover ur children if u ASK.
HE WILL NOT INTRUDE WHERE hE IS NOT WELCOME.
the Bible need not b completely understood 4 the Word to make miracles in ur life
look inside it, pick one verse that you believe He has chosen 4 u (u will know),
and make that verse like food: chew on it, soften it up, taste it, & swallow it.
(meditate on it, watch ur understanding grow, faith comes).
it's a real miracle indeed how God's Word, the tiniest verse u can memorize--
WILL DELIVER U. but doubt not, as He knows who comes in sincerity.
i rejoice 4 u-- to find His Peace-- that insulates ur lovely kids from this world ,Amen.
blessings & miracles from new york state

onceuponadream

my hopes and dreams for our family are crumbling down around me....

Thumper

Oh I understand that feeling and remember it so well, how utterly painful it was. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.

sweetteewalls

I understand your pain. My daughter is 3 and my separated RAH is so up and down. You have to care for your children first. She is the only thing keeping me making the right decisions when I am weak and missing him. I want her to have stability and joy and not live in a dysfunctional household. When you are weak, think of your children. For the time being, every night when they are in bed is hard for me, but thats when I let myself cry. Be patient with yourself.

Freedom1990

I know it seems the world is coming to an end as you have known it right now, and it is.

Awareness can be very painful, but it also allows us to start making decisions based on healthy choices.

I used to think divorce is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.

Today I know it isn't. I survived not one, but two divorces in the end.

I have learned from those. I know it sounds crazy because I am also grateful for both of them. I am the sum total of all my life experiences, and I wouldn't trade who I am today for any changes in my past life.

I have grandchildren now, and I have seen the profound impact that their mother's addictions has had on them.

I am powerless to change that, but I can love on those grandchildren every chance I get, and show them what recovery looks like in my home.

The legacy I left for my oldest daughter was too little too late to impact her in a positive way as she transitioned into adolescence, and then adulthood.

Perhaps by working a program of recovery for myself, my grandchildren might just latch onto something that keeps them on the right path. I don't know. I just try to lead by example.

marie1960

onceuponadream, I believe you know what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids. It doesn't have to happen today. You can start making a plan. Adjust your sails and go forward. Perhaps talking with an attorney, it will give you some insight as to what your options might be. It is easiest when the Alcoholic leaves the home, but as we all know, that doesn't always happen.

As his alcoholism progresses, so will his demeanor. I certainly do not want you or your kids to continue to live in the hell that this disease causes. You, are all the kids have right now, and they are counting on you.

Seems what we don't get right now, living in the present, we pay for later, read some of the threads from "Adult Children of Alcoholics." their stories are so powerful. As parents we only have a few short years to get it right for our kids. All my best to you.....

nodaybut2day

to you onceuponadream. I remember the grieving period I went through when I realized that my exAH would never be the father our DD deserved. We would never be that "picture perfect" happy family, because his addiction, his abuse and his psychological issues would always poison us.

Give yourself time to grieve. Cry, rage, whatever you need.And take it from those who have been right where you are: time passes, it does get better, and you can create *new* dreams for yourself and your children...dreams that don't include the madness of addiction and abuse. Your daughters deserve to grow up with a happy, fulfilled mama.

lillamy

I can hear that pain through the computer screen.
That pain of realizing your AH isn't the father you so badly want him to be for your children, and that he might never be, is profound. And then you feel guilty for having children with him. And then you feel guilty for feeling that way because after all, these wonderful children wouldn't be here without him, right?

So, on the good side, let me tell you what my counselor told me recently when I said I felt helpless when I have to send the kids to an actively drinking alcoholic, and feel like a bad parent for not being able to protect them from him even after the divorce:

People, when they have a choice, tend to shy away from sick behaviors and thinking patterns and move towards healthier ones, if both are modeled in their lives. Pathologia isn’t a friendly inviting continent; the land of healthy thinking is. Kids, even young kids, will figure this out on their own. Don’t waste time explaining to them how his thinking is diseased, focus on modeling healthy thinking. When they come home and say “Dad says you’re a filthy dirty *****,” don’t even let them see you twitch. Your response should be, “Well, I guess that’s one way of looking at it – here’s how I look at it, because I think this is a healthier way to see it: People like to be with other people who treat them with respect and are nice to them and make them laugh. I like people around me that are fun to be with and who are nice to me. Don’t you? So my new fiance is nice to me, and he’s nice to you, and we do fun things with him, and he makes me laugh, and I love being with him – and that’s why I like to spend time with him and want to marry him.”

She said she’s had kids as clients who grew up with two addict parents who basically left the kids to fend for themselves – and when she was surprised at how “normal” the kids were, one of them said “we watch a lot of TV and we really wish our parents were more like the Huxtables on The Cosby Show, so we try to be more like the Huxtable kids, because even if our parents aren’t like the parents on TV, we feel better when we behave like those kids.” (Who’d have thunk that TV could be a role model

So there is hope. There is always hope.