Milly39

How do you keep yourself sane in all the madness??????????
I have been going to al-anon since June and I get great comfort from it...am reading all the literature but am unable to detach and seperate myself from the madness of it all.
Any tips or suggestions on how I might start the process...do I just start by pretending that none of it effects me and then eventually it WILL sink in????
My AH was in a treatment centre a few months ago...but started drinking again about 3 weeks ago. I really need to gt a grip onmy own recovery.

catlovermi

There isn't a person here who hasn't "stayed"... for a time. It becomes a question of how you want to live your life, and what you are willing to accept, for your life.

Many of us decided we wanted something different...

For myself, detachment was a STAGE of recovery, a tool to use as a bridge. I came to understand that for me, detachment in a relationship was an ironic oxymoron, and it wasn't the model within which I wanted to live my life.

CLMI

Freedom1990

There was no sanity and no detachment when I had active alcoholism/addiction in my home.

About two weeks into my AD's stay at my house, I got the feeling something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it.

Two weeks later it blew sky high and she was shown the door.

Cases of empty beer bottles were hidden in her closet and I found pieces of joints in ashtrays.

I no longer take a front row seat to her insanity..

nodaybut2day

Perhaps this is a sign from up above that you may need to re-evaluate your decision to keep living in this madness. Ain't nothing wrong with re-evaluatin'...

In my limited experience, when a situation presents clear impasses (i.e. drama/madness), it is my Higher Power gently nudging me onto another path where I can stay true to myself.

JMO...

Thumper

I don't know how to stay in a life like that but I did the above for a long time and it did not work. In hindsight I see it is one of the most self destructive things I've ever done.

Maybe instead of focusing on how to accept him and/or your current situation you let this question rest and focus on you, what your boudaries and values are, what your responsibilities to yourself are, things like that. Once you do that, you will slowly find the answers you are looking for.

I used to think I had all that down because I had an image of myself as a put together, smart, independent person. Once I started really thinking about it and trying to articulate it to myself - I realized a) I had no boundaries and b) I could no longer even articulate my values, needs, feelings, worth etc. None of it. I had been pretending and ignoring for so long I lost all that.

Carol Star

There came a tweak when I was in Alanon when I started to let go of XAH and think about me. My Alanon sponser said I needed to run away from him like he was my drug of choice. He didn't want me to go to meetings and I went anyway. I started feeling like he was my child instead of my mate. I resented having to drive him when he lost his liscence. He left treatment and lost his job because of it and that pissed me off and financially scared me. I got into therapy and the therapist also saw him once alone. She said he wasn't responsible. I secretly went to talk to his doctor because XAH was selling his prescribed pills the doc was giving him and missed an appt. The doc asked me what were my goals for the next 3 yrs. ? I didn't know. On SR I read "let go or be dragged...." I let go. At first I was sad. Now I see it for what it was and I am grateful. Today will be free of needless drama/chaos. (funny yesterday was a quake here)....and a hurricane is coming.....! BUT an alcoholic unwilling to help himself will not mess up my day. I gave him to his higher power. I am going to my Alanon meeting that I love.

Freedom1990

The thing is, none of us remain unscathed while exposed to active alcoholism, and I don't care how strong a program is worked.

I was sober myself 14 years when I took my AD in, and I was still affected greatly.

We only have one life to live. I have to remind myself of that from time to time, and evaluate if I am living that life to the fullest.

LaTeeDa

I will agree that most of us "stayed" for as long as we could. Until it became clear that staying wasn't working. Maybe you are coming to that point?

L

dollydo

I let him stay until I realized that nothing was going to change, that included me as long as I allowed his insanity in my life.

Never been more at peace or happier, no more wasted years for me.

RollTide

I agree with what Freedom said, "There was no sanity and no detachment when I had active alcoholism/addiction in my home."

In my meeting there are women who seem to be very "together" and happy and they talk about how much Alanon has helped them find serenity. However, they are no longer living with an alcoholic. I have wondered if they could have said that when they were living with the craziness.

Tuffgirl

That's me. That's how I finally ended the madness. We are still married and working on things, but we don't live together anymore. Granted, he's sober now, but if he weren't, we would be divorced by now.

It's just not worth it, the craziness that is addiction.

marie1960

Milly, sounds like your threshhold of living in the daily madness of alcoholism is desolving.
We all have our limitations. You do have the power and choice to make things right for YOU. Take care of you, sending you good thoughts and strength..................

duqld1717

I stayed with him until the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving. We only dated a couple years however. Now, I kick myself for even staying THAT long. Thats ok though, I have my life back now thank god! 2 days is too long to stay with an A in my honest opinion.

Thumper

duqld1717 makes a good point. In addition to the pain of staying what really got me moving and thinking was that I had become someone I did not know or like. I could no longer figure out how to mother or be the person I wanted within the framework of my marriage. I was worried about his example of being buzzed/passed out/etc. etc. but what hit me like a ton of bricks was that the example I was setting wasn't any better. The frightening thing I realized is that my children were seeing me as the parent that was hard to be around, not their drunk father. i was rigid, inflexible, emotionally flat, desperately unhappy, exhausted, strung out. I under-reacted (totally ignored) big issues, and over reacted to small ones. I was desperately trying to find security by controlling the uncontrollable (my husband) and our environment. It wasn't working so I over reacted to things like following a schedule and brushing teeth by 8pm sharp. Not 8:10pm, 8pm. :nutso: I was showing them very dysfunctional ways of handling issues, feelings/anger, life. We were not a calm peaceful family. We were all wired for sound and lost and the honest truth - I think that was because of me, not the guy passed out on the couch. Granted - I was that way because I was trying to live in an alcoholic marriage and all that entails but only I can fix me - so I went about doing that. Fix me rather then fix him. Bingo. I got my head out of the clouds, faced reality, and decide what I needed to do and then did it. Of course it wasn't a fraction as easy and black/white as it sounded typing it just now but counseling helped, SR helped, and Al-anon helped.

That isn't to say my choices are the only good one's - just that I had to start making some - that were good for me.

wifeypoo

"My AH was in a treatment centre a few months ago...but started drinking again about 3 weeks ago. I really need to gt a grip onmy own recovery."[/

I went through the same situation, my AH went to treatment then relapsed. During his recovery, i went to Al-Anon meetings but was unsure of what working MY recovery, detaching and setting boundries really meant. That is until he relapsed, I realized it was sink or swim for my and my kids. I left him and I will not go back to the craziness of living with an active A.

You are ALLOWED to detach, or run away from the crazy! Love yourself!!!!

wellnowwhat

Hi Milly!
I've stayed and I must admit I was a little reluctant to answer you because sometimes some posters can be a little harsh when they are coming from a different place in their recovery. But here goes!

And I answer quite literally, how do I keep sane?

First, I've already grieved the loss of my marriage. We are housemates (my choice). Period. And I am o.k. with that, for now. If he were to go into recovery, and I have no expectation of this, it wouldn't change this fact (again, my choice). He's accepted this as well. My kids are adults now.

My AH drinks daily, usually just gets quieter and quieter and then goes to bed so now there is not much drama. I used to (when the kids weren't home) have the useless "just quit" arguments, but no longer. I used to hide away in my own room with my t.v. or a book whenever I could detect he had been drinking, but no longer. I can detach from his behaviour and live in any part of the house, with or without his presence, peacefully.

With help from Alanon I have realized he is NOT my fourth child, he IS responsible for his consequences. He is a real, live, hurting person that I CANNOT change.

I've also realized I CAN change, I CAN grow and I CAN be happy. I make my own plans and do what I need to do. If it doesn't make him happy, and it doesn't, I realize that is his choice to be that way.

A boundry for me was drunk driving, which he had begun to do. I have put a breathalyzer on the car he drives and he is never allowed the keys to my car. This helps me sleep at night. If he were to drunk drive again, I would leave and divorce immediately.

If his drinking caused job loss or being arrested, I would leave.

Not because I am a fair-weather friend but because that escalation and those behaviours would cross a line of what I am willing to tolerate. He espouses moderation rather than abstinence and his behaviours, at this point, are on this side of that line.

Because he is basically a good man with a bad problem, I can feel compassion for him.

I try to treat him as an adult and not interfere too much. If something is bothering I mention it on two different occasions, when I know he is sober, and then leave it alone. (e.g. He's already had malignant melanoma and has a mole that bears looking at.) If he doesn't act on something, I don't let it eat me up. He, as an adult, has exercised his right to make a choice.

I sometimes revisit the "leave or don't leave" question. My day to day life isn't bad. Now that I am over the grief of a lost marriage, and with my new tools, I am mostly fairly happy. Although the way those who have already left describe their lives seems enticing, I am not sure I am at that point. To leave would mean a very substantial drop in living standards (not plush now) so I am going to work towards being financially independent so that if I decide to leave or stay it's not a "finance" based decision. I realize a lot of posters have a much more difficult situation than mine.

I am aware that this disease is progressive. I just keep in mind that because I've decided to stay at this point does not mean I can't change my mind later. Right now, this is alright, later it may not be, and that's ok too.

My mother left my father at my age and it didn't work out well for her. She was expecting a wonderful new life, and found loneliness. I look at some people around us, without alcoholism in their homes, and they don't seem any happier than us. If I leave, I want it to be with the personal growth to make it successful.

Hope this helps. This is just where I am, with my AH, in my life, at this time, and it may all change.

Milly39

Thanks all for your replies.
Each of you have given me food for thought.
I guess at the moment I am opting to "stay" but that may change in the future and thats ok too. We have 2 kids and I feel that I need to protect them from the madness that is addiction...and I am not ready to breakaway on my own..even though I feel I have been "on my own " for a LONG time.
I'll keep going to the meetings and coming here...so serenity is on the way !!!

Carol Star

My doc said being with an alcoholic is like "having a beautiful, red, racecar with no engine in it." My therapist said my integrity got me out of the marriage....it took a couple of years......There were dealbreakers; growing pot, verbal abuse, porn addiction, irresponsible, drinking and driving, dui,jail, refusing treatment, lost job, legal and $ issues......just wore me out.

TeM

I think I learned my coping mechanisms as a teenager, after my parents divorced. I spent time living with both parents and their new spouses, and I despised both of my step parents. I learned to detach before I knew what it was called. I spent lots of time in my room, reading, drawing... thinking.

Now, maybe that crippled me emotionally... who knows? In any case, I have used that ability to tolerate unpleasantness in dealing with my AW. I, like Wellnowwhat, used to confront her about drinking, but it never helped. Now, I just think of her as a housemate who drinks too much. I stopped investing in her emotionally years ago.

Can't recommend this approach to anyone, but that's what keeps me sane while I figure out what to do next.

sherby

After Countless Times Of Leaving My ABF, I Finally Left Him For Good... For Me To Keep What Sanity I had left, I had to get out of the relationship, it wasn't easy because at the time I thought I loved him, after being on my own and away from him, I came to realize that I only loved the idea of him and what I wanted & wished he would be...
Leaving with a addict is like Is Chaos and Sheer Madness, His behavior was causing me to be a person that I didn't like nor did I even recognize. I'm happy now and finally have found peace and serenity in my life again... Oh sure he calls now & then wanting pitty but he hasn't changed one bit... No more of my tears is he getting.