GettingBy

I can't stand people who don't accept responsibility for themselves and their actions. But worse than them not accepting culpability is the bald-face accusations that I AM somehow to blame!!

Somehow it's easy for me to detach whent there is alcohol involved. But when AH is sober - I try to detach but seem to find myself sucked into the game because I want to defend myself. Why!??! I have no clue.

Last night he couldn't find his iPhone charger. He blamed me for using it on my iPad - but I hadn't. He went on and on about how I'm careless with things. Lose my keys, lose my debit card... yada-yada-yada... and because of that, there was no doubt in his mind that I lost his charger. I didn't talk at first... and then I remembered where his charger was. He had it this weekend, and I recalled exactly where it was, and in great detail why I was certain that's where it was. He went there...and sure enough - it was there.

Now, any reasonable, kind loving, responsible, mature human being would have said... "I'm sorry I blamed you for losing it." or something to that effect. But my AH? NOPE. He came back upstairs, into my space - with the blame game in full-effect. "Well you knew where it was because YOU put it there." WTF? And instead of walking away, I engaged. I defended myself, and used FACTS and LOGIC as to why I was not to blame. No use. He simply would not take responsibility for himself.

How. *******. Immature.

So I finally realized how crazy I was making myself and walked away. He followed me, and I turned and said, "I really don't appreciate you pushing my buttons." His response was, "OH lighten up! It's a joke. God, you are too sensitive."

Yeah? Really? Well, **** YOU!

I didn't say that - but wanted to!

I need to double up on meetings today ... and really get cracking on a place to rent.

Thanks for letting me vent.
SHannon

LaTeeDa

Well, a reasonable, kind, loving, responsible, mature human being wouldn't have blamed you in the first place. But, I think you realize you're not married to one of those. It seems to me you're still wanting him to be someone other than who he is.

L

dollydo

Since you have chosen to stay with him, you will just have to accept his behavior, as it will not change.

Meetings sound like a great idea...take care of you!

Tuffgirl

Like Dolly says - find some acceptance with this behavior and then try a different tactic. I am thinking of how to deal with an out of control child here, because that is what this kind of behavior seems like IMHO.

I call my RAH on this stuff now. Does it work? I don't know yet. But I call him on it every time. Gently, kindly, non-confrontational-ly, let him know I am not responsible for his stuff, literally and figuratively. And then walk away.

It is annoying when it happens, but I am guilty of it too...on occasion...so I am careful to not be too judgmental.

Seren

(((GB))) We have ALL engaged when we knew better.....we live, we learn, we put it behind us, and we move foward.

I'm sorry you were so upset, and hope you are feeling better by now!

Hugs, HG

tigger11

I've had that exact same conversation with my AH. A's and CoD's are pretty pitiful. I'm including myself here. (((GettingBy)))

Thumper

I'm sorry gettingby. There are better days ahead so hang in there. That post really took me back.

Yes because, IME, detaching from, ignoring, and living with the unacceptable lead to my bottom. Perhaps it wasn't true detachment, or perhaps I just don't get detachment, but I couldn't live like that and not deteriorate internally. I didn't engage, defend, reason, or let the crazy stuff change my day, so I wasn't acting crazy on the outside but I was getting crazier by the minute on the inside. It led to fog, lack of clarity, loads of denial trying to accept the unacceptable, a constant shushing of the little voice inside, and enough rage/resentment/anger/frustration to obliterate any kind of healthy problem solving. It (sanity and that house of cards I was trying to live under) began to collapse, and that was my bottom. I was mentally, physically, and emotional exhausted and empty. Eliminating that exhaustion was a gift bigger then I could have ever imagined - and honestly that alone will keep me single and unattached. Life shouldn't be that exhausting.

Tuffgirl

I totally second this...I can deal with this kind of juvenile behavior only because we don't live together. So when I say I try a different tactic, it means I call him on his behavior and then LEAVE. Such a great feeling.

But then I come home to teenagers...who do the same darn thing...

Alone22

Oh gettingby your post is something right out of my house, in fact I think it was over the phone charger as well. Honestly my AH is just as difficult to deal with sober as when he is not. When he is drinking he usually gets reclusive and hides. When he is trying not to drink he is a miserable dry drunk. Personally I am not sure if his behavior is because of his alcoholism or if it is just who he is or if the A exaggerates the other. What I do know is that I don't like it whatever the reason. That is the message that I am sending my RAH. I want and deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. If he is unable to do that then I need to make further decisions. Fingers crossed that after rehab and MC we will be able to work through stuff.

EnoughisEnough7

Is there anything more frustrating than to have to put up with all the crazy behavior when they are drinking ... and then instead of acting decently when they are sober - the alcoholic continues to act self entitled and obnoxious?

If it helps, just continue to react to him as if he were drinking - and try to ignore and detach from his offensive, childlike behavior ...
remembering that, until long term and a heartfelt recovery is estabished - you are still dealing with someone impacted and influenced by addiction.

May your journey towards a better life eventually lead you to the happiness you deserve...despite those frustrating bumps along the way.

GettingBy

That's so the truth. Sp today, i am stepping up and taking responsibility for my situation. I am the one who is staying put and allowing this behavior to affect me.

I know my attorney says that we need to co-habitate until the house is sold but I simply can't do this to myself anymore. I called my real estate agent, found a great apartment in our school district, near a gym in the village I love... It's available in 2 weeks, and in my price range! It's a bit small, and I may need to do some hard negotiating to take my golden retriever with us... But they didn't say absolutely not... So there's hope!

I put leaving on hold back in June because I felt responsible for our mess. I knew my behaviors contributed to our dysfunction so I wanted to own my part, work on me and see if that made a big difference. Things did get better, but it was still only one person working on the marriage. He suggested marriage counseling back in May... And he has yet to even find a counselor, let alone make an appointment. I put things on hold, I gave him a chance... And when I look at his actions... I see a selfish man who only cares about himself and doesn't want to work on his marriage. There is only so much I can do... Without a partner, I'm rowing in circles.

I'm done rowing. I am leaving this awful little facade of a life behind me and getting on with my happiness.

LaTeeDa - you are right. I was stuck wanting to believe he could be the man I hoped for. I am today pulling my head out of the sand and accepting who he is. I am focusing on letting go of the dream.

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding.
Shannon

GettingBy

I wanted to add that I also realize that MC isn't going to fix our problems. I know the alcoholism needs to be addressed first and foremost. I have not seen AH take responsibility/acknowledge that the drinking is an issue either. In fact, he recently switched to hard liquor... Which is a big red flag to me. Time to get the he'll out of dodge.

Again, thanks for keeping me honest folks. My denial has been so unbelievably hard to overcome.

Fandy

RUN QUICKLY to put a deposit on the apt....offer a "pet deposit" for the dog if they are concerned and possibly a "doggie letter of recommendation" from the vet.

dollydo

I do understand the whys and wherefors of why you didn't move forward in June, I've been there, I finally figured it out, we were in the same boat trying to row in opposite directions. There was no captain, only two adrift and lost at sea.

It is your attorneys job to interpt the law and to advise you accordingly, however, it your job to make the business decisions. Those that impact your well being, your life.

I am glad that you are moving forward, you deserve a life of peace and happiness, and, it is within your reach.

Captain.... start rowing your boat towards the shore!

wicked

Thank you, GettingBy.
Tough to admit this, but now you can put it down! Now you can move a little easier in reality.

Your posts have been so helpful to me.

Beth

Freedom1990

Hey now that sounds like a good deal to me!

LaTeeDa

GB, I get it. Letting go of the dream is soooooo hard. Especially in a culture where we are taught we can have anything if only we are willing to work hard enough at it. I was also stuck for a long time thinking we were different, he was different, I was different. Sadly, addiction doesn't care how hard we work at it, how much we own our stuff, how much we care.

I will tell you that once I let go of MY dream of how I WANTED things to be, amazing and unexpected things started to happen. It sounds cliche, but I don't think I was really meant to live the life I imagined for myself. The life I am living now feels as though it's right for me and sometimes I can't believe I didn't allow it to happen sooner.

L

duqld1717

Sounds like you went to the hardware store asking for some bread. Believe me, I know the feeling. The ex would play the blame game all the time. He lived in an apartment that was along a narrow one way street ally. His car always got its drivers side view mirror knocked off late at night by drunk drivers driving by too fast and too close. My car even got the side view mirror knocked off once when I stayed there. Guess who he thought the culprit was?? ME. He claimed I would go running out in the middle of the night and rip his mirror off with my hand after we would have a fight. LOL. (Don't pay any attention to all the drunk drivers out there driving by too fast).