any tips on how to avoid an arguement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: London
Posts: 3
any tips on how to avoid an arguement
Anyone have any tips or advice on how to stay calm or avoid arguements with an alcoholic mother. I find it so difficult to hold my tongue when she says nasty things and to make it worse the next day shes completely oblivious of anything she has said the night before and is totally convinced i verbally attacked her, its so so frustrating! I've tried going weeks with completely ignoring her just to avoid fights but she doesnt understand why i ignore her she thinks its me being spiteful when really its my way of keeping the peace. Or sometimes i just agree with what she says but none of it works it all seems to get me in trouble. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this please let me know! thanks
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome bertie!
Go to Alanon, read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, read here, do therapy.
There isn't an easy answer. The work is slow to realize your attachments, wishing others could change, being reactionary. Then, to take steps back, observe your reactions, and eventually begin to catch yourself doing the things you do. At that point you can begin to shift.
It takes time and work.
The short answer is the serenity prayer. Recognizing what you can and can't change and the wisdom to know the difference.
The short answer is that you can't change her and your experiencing frustration is your work to do. Let it go. Accept she is nasty. Whatever you are arguing over, accept she feels that way (even if it is loony).
I found making the distinction between accepting and condoning was HUGE for me.
I ACCEPT this is how it is. For me to accept it doesn't mean I SUPPORT it. I just accept it.
You can still think your mom is self destructive or mean...while you work on accepting that is real. You don't need to fight it anymore. You don't need to resist it anymore. It just is. Sometimes the way things are is lame, but true!
Our angers and frustrations are ours. Your mom gets to be how she wants to be.
You get to choose what you do with it. Hang out with her, let her go from your life, walk away when she irritates you, see her selectively when you feel like it - you get to choose the action that makes you feel the best with the most peace.
Part of the work for me has been not liking any of the choices. What I really wanted was for my XAH to be plain different.
Unfortunately, that wasn't on my choice list. And neither is your mom being different.
Stick around.
Hugs, fp
Go to Alanon, read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, read here, do therapy.
There isn't an easy answer. The work is slow to realize your attachments, wishing others could change, being reactionary. Then, to take steps back, observe your reactions, and eventually begin to catch yourself doing the things you do. At that point you can begin to shift.
It takes time and work.
The short answer is the serenity prayer. Recognizing what you can and can't change and the wisdom to know the difference.
The short answer is that you can't change her and your experiencing frustration is your work to do. Let it go. Accept she is nasty. Whatever you are arguing over, accept she feels that way (even if it is loony).
I found making the distinction between accepting and condoning was HUGE for me.
I ACCEPT this is how it is. For me to accept it doesn't mean I SUPPORT it. I just accept it.
You can still think your mom is self destructive or mean...while you work on accepting that is real. You don't need to fight it anymore. You don't need to resist it anymore. It just is. Sometimes the way things are is lame, but true!
Our angers and frustrations are ours. Your mom gets to be how she wants to be.
You get to choose what you do with it. Hang out with her, let her go from your life, walk away when she irritates you, see her selectively when you feel like it - you get to choose the action that makes you feel the best with the most peace.
Part of the work for me has been not liking any of the choices. What I really wanted was for my XAH to be plain different.
Unfortunately, that wasn't on my choice list. And neither is your mom being different.
Stick around.
Hugs, fp
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I don't know how old you are and whether you can get away easily from your mother.
I would follow Findingpeace1's advice, and it is a slow process. It cannot be rushed.
While you learn those things, and if you are finding it tough to physically leave the home, these are some things I do / have done and found them helpful:
I've developed a series of "umhah" "yeah?" "aaah" type of comment that could be yes or no (I developed them when my kids were toddlers and now use them on AH).
I say "You could be right" alot
I suddenly remember telephone messages I have to return
I now think "WAIT" "Why Am I Talking" - it keeps my tongue still because you can't win an argument with a drunk so why try.
I conscientiously remind myself that they are angry and lashing out because they are hurting - a lot.
I find excuses to leave the room, if not the home. I must have the cleanest clothes and cleanest hair of anyone I know!
I think about not what they are saying, because it doesn't really matter, but about me and my reaction and silently pat myself on the back when I defuse the situation and remain calm.
I try not to completely ignore because that it almost a challenge for him.
I do try to talk about something neutral, no "button pushing", if he's able to converse.
It sounds like I try to walk on eggshells, but it is the opposite. I am controlling my reactions to him to gain peace in my home. I've given up nothing. And, the more I practise this, the kinder and more compassionate I've become, and he senses it, and the relationship is smoother and the outbursts are fewer.
Hope this helps a little?
I would follow Findingpeace1's advice, and it is a slow process. It cannot be rushed.
While you learn those things, and if you are finding it tough to physically leave the home, these are some things I do / have done and found them helpful:
I've developed a series of "umhah" "yeah?" "aaah" type of comment that could be yes or no (I developed them when my kids were toddlers and now use them on AH).
I say "You could be right" alot
I suddenly remember telephone messages I have to return
I now think "WAIT" "Why Am I Talking" - it keeps my tongue still because you can't win an argument with a drunk so why try.
I conscientiously remind myself that they are angry and lashing out because they are hurting - a lot.
I find excuses to leave the room, if not the home. I must have the cleanest clothes and cleanest hair of anyone I know!
I think about not what they are saying, because it doesn't really matter, but about me and my reaction and silently pat myself on the back when I defuse the situation and remain calm.
I try not to completely ignore because that it almost a challenge for him.
I do try to talk about something neutral, no "button pushing", if he's able to converse.
It sounds like I try to walk on eggshells, but it is the opposite. I am controlling my reactions to him to gain peace in my home. I've given up nothing. And, the more I practise this, the kinder and more compassionate I've become, and he senses it, and the relationship is smoother and the outbursts are fewer.
Hope this helps a little?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
How you handle it is to not handle it. Don't try and argue or communicate with a drunk. Ever. It's a complete waste of time and effort and you already know that.
Simply refuse to talk to her at all unless she is sober, or not at all. I know, it's your mom and that's hard. But there's your answer.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Simply refuse to talk to her at all unless she is sober, or not at all. I know, it's your mom and that's hard. But there's your answer.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
And the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cryanoak is right, and FindingPeace gave the key how to start what he is talking about.
There is magic in the Serenity Prayer.
" I have no control over what she does, what she thinks, what she says...How she feels...I Only have control over my own actions and choices. On my own and in response to her."
Get inside this thought.
Let it begin to be the way you view your work life, your relationships, your kids, if you have them...
At some point in there, it sinks all the way in and becomes REALLY available. and then comes the serenity, and for me then my RAH started to heal, because I let go of the other end of his rope.
When I removed myself from his equations, he was left with only his ridiculous sick thought process, his blame games. I just did not pick up the ball and throw back, and it was just rolling around in his court.
Its not a matter of "That'll show her"
After a while it becomes a matter of self preserving your sanity.
And she is sick and cannot do that for you, only you can do that for yourself. She may benefit from it at some point, but for now, preserve yourself.
the courage to change the things I can
And the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cryanoak is right, and FindingPeace gave the key how to start what he is talking about.
There is magic in the Serenity Prayer.
" I have no control over what she does, what she thinks, what she says...How she feels...I Only have control over my own actions and choices. On my own and in response to her."
Get inside this thought.
Let it begin to be the way you view your work life, your relationships, your kids, if you have them...
At some point in there, it sinks all the way in and becomes REALLY available. and then comes the serenity, and for me then my RAH started to heal, because I let go of the other end of his rope.
When I removed myself from his equations, he was left with only his ridiculous sick thought process, his blame games. I just did not pick up the ball and throw back, and it was just rolling around in his court.
Its not a matter of "That'll show her"
After a while it becomes a matter of self preserving your sanity.
And she is sick and cannot do that for you, only you can do that for yourself. She may benefit from it at some point, but for now, preserve yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Red sweater. It works wonders.
In the midst of her arguing, look at her with all the sincerity you can muster and with a look that you mean business, demand you sweater back. Inform her she has had it way too long. That you never intended her to keep it forever. Winter is quick approaching. And she better get that sweater back now.
When she asks what in the world you are talking about, turn it back on her. Tell her she knows darn well what you are talking about and you don't appreciate her making fun of you. Then just keep on demanding the sweater. Never relent.
Eventually, you'll have to leave the room because you won't be able to keep a straight face.
And she will stop arguing about what ever it was she was arguing about.
Really. Try this.
Remember the 3 phases of truth: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
So don't knock the red sweater rebuttal until you've tried it.
In the midst of her arguing, look at her with all the sincerity you can muster and with a look that you mean business, demand you sweater back. Inform her she has had it way too long. That you never intended her to keep it forever. Winter is quick approaching. And she better get that sweater back now.
When she asks what in the world you are talking about, turn it back on her. Tell her she knows darn well what you are talking about and you don't appreciate her making fun of you. Then just keep on demanding the sweater. Never relent.
Eventually, you'll have to leave the room because you won't be able to keep a straight face.
And she will stop arguing about what ever it was she was arguing about.
Really. Try this.
Remember the 3 phases of truth: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
So don't knock the red sweater rebuttal until you've tried it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
With my A stepson, we frequently found that calm, repetitive replies helped. Very similar to the non-commital answers offered by "Wellnowwhat". Repitition was key......"I'm not going to talk about this until you can be calm." "If you continue yelling, I'm going to (hang up/walk away)."
Losing your cool is exactly the response she wants. By remaining calm, it diffuses the situation and puts her off-guard.
Hope this helps!
HG
Losing your cool is exactly the response she wants. By remaining calm, it diffuses the situation and puts her off-guard.
Hope this helps!
HG
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