KeepinOnDaily

I told my husband of ten years I wanted a divorce yesterday...it was very difficult, he cried and I cried too but I realize I just had enough. We are speaking and communicating and he even came over for dinner with the kids today. He said he doesn't want to throw this away but I said he made his choices because I was begging him to work on this back in June.

He wasn't faithful in the beginning of the marriage and cheated on me, and then a few years later i found out he was chatting with some girl he met on MySpace...we went to marriage counseling and things were better for a few years but the drinking began to progress and his temper tantrums increased....he was never physically abusive and is what I consider high functioning, still holds down a good job and everything but despite that, I just feel like I dont trust him and I dont want to wait around to be hurt again.

My question is this-- he asked me tonight if I would wait to make my decision or wait to file until after he finishes outpatient. I said I dont think my choice will change, that I pretty much feel even if he was successful I would probably feel like a detective in my own house...and I just cannot rely on him. He asked if I would atleast wait a month or 6 weeks, and I said I wasn't sure. I would like opinions or advice, PLEASE!

Freedom1990

You do what you need to do for yourself, dear.

His recovery is just that, his recovery, and I suspect he's trying to bargain for time in the hopes you will change your mind.

I find I must be true to myself in this life.

Whatever your decision, we are here to support you!

suki44883

If you have made your decision, 6 weeks isn't going to change your mind. It takes us a long time to come to a final decision and if you're sure you're done, then I'd go ahead and file. No use dragging it out if you don't think your feelings are going to change. Just because they quit drinking doesn't mean the other problems are going to go away.

dollydo

In my little pea brain he is asking you to set the divorce on the back burner in hopes that he can wear you down, so that you will give him yet another chance.

To be honest, he has done alot of damage to your self esteem, to your well being. There are people who will never stop cheating, they can back off for awhile, yet when the opportunity presents itself they repeat their indiscretion. For me, he has crossed the line one time too many, and, I could not trust him...may just be me.

I would say...trust your gut, it never will lie to you, it will never cheat on you.

Sending support your way.

KeepinOnDaily

I know...its sick because I worry about him if I file he will be so upset and distraught that he will not give his all or something. I really don't want to hurt him and want him to do this treatment program. Its depressing because I hate seeing him hurt and he didn't seem to care about how hurt I was.
Me waiting to file probably isn't going to change my mind honestly. My family doesn't want to see me with him, they feel I have taken too much from him with the cheating, lies, debt, drinking, etc. and I agree. I just wonder if waiting will clear my head a little bit more. I dont know anything about divorce and how long the process takes but this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I still care about him deeply.

Freedom1990

Again, his recovery is his recovery. If he's doing it for himself, and is dead serious about remaining sober and working a program of recovery, divorcing him shouldn't deter him from his goals.

Yes, divorce is painful. I made it through the second divorce clean/sober because there is nothing in this world that will rob me of my recovery.

Remember, the pain he feels is the result of his behaviors over the years that have hurt you. He has hurt himself in the process. You have your own pain to deal with as you still do love him.

Do what you need to do for your own peace of mind.

dollydo

To be honest, to me, waiting won't do a positive thing for him, for you or your children.

If he is serious about his recovery, he will do it whether you file or not.

You are trying to figure out how to save him, you are not that powerful, caring about him is one thing obsessing about him is another. You will continue to stay sick if you continue to care more about his feelings than your own personal well-being.

Trust your family, they are not trying to manipulate you, they are sound in their reasoning, they acknowledge what you want to ignore, they are thinking with their heads, not their heart.

KeepinOnDaily

Thank you for the advice. I know I have always bought his many sob stories,bs and have allowed myself to feel bad for him---like I always just kept hoping. Now look where I have ended up. 33 with two little girls and having to start my life ALL OVER.

He was sobbing and shaking and crying saying "You want to do this to the kids? You want to break our family apart?" I told him he did this to the kids, he broke our family apart with HIS CHOICES and HIS ACTIONS. He said "But I dont want that any more, I am going to treatment to change! PLEASE give me a chance!"

The fact is he is seeing how messed up things got and now he wants to make right on it all but too late.

dollydo

"But I dont want that any more, I am going to treatment to change! PLEASE give me a chance!"
************************************************** **************

My ex could turn the tears on at a drop of a hat. Coupled with his dramatic ability he could have been on stage. Yet, the bottom line was...these were only words...not actions. That what addictd do, beg, plead, threaten and manipulate. If they would
spend as much time working on their recovery, as they do trying to con someone, they
might get somewhere. They are very adapt at reading another weaknesses and playing
right into them.

That is why I suggested that you listen to your family, they see him for who he really is.

Do what is best for you and your girls. You will be fine, I have reinvented myself many
times, and each time, I became a better, more rounded person, more able to deal with
the world on its own terms.

trapeze

My advice is for you to chart your own course.

There's an argument to be made that he has good support around him with his outpatient program, so this is a good time for you to move on.

gowest

I agree with the above.

He is actually in a supportive structured environment.
This is probably the best time for you to leave knowing that there are professionals readily available for him to turn to for his needs.

catlovermi

Here's a question:


In his asking you this, whose interest is he serving?


Just sayin'


CLMI

KeepinOnDaily

TOTALLY. HIS own interest....but he claims for the children's sake and for the sake of our marriage...

catlovermi

So... let's parse it out. In someone who thinks first and foremost and typically only after themself (including infidelities), how is this the best influence on either children or a "marriage?"

Versus: showing the children that marriage requires equal responsibility, respect, adult behaviors, and consideration of what is best for the unit as a whole.

What is best for the children, as a whole?: Showing them we have to put up with dysfunction, and learn to adapt to it, or showing them we can shoot for the top tier of life, and we must make difficult decisions sometimes to get there, but if we do, we can?

If he's still only thinking of serving his own interests, how has he changed fundamentally for the better - for the family or the marriage? Rehab is just skin to wear.

CLMI

bblackbirdflyy

Thanks for this. I am going through a very similar situation as keepingon (however I am the (ex)drinker) Drank to cope with his jerk ways and infidelity. I sobered up I wised up. I needed to read this. Funny how he manipulates my mind. Here I am thinking I am the villain. yes, i've made my mistakes but I never betrayed his trust.


Anyway thanks for the posts!

bblackbirdflyy

keepingon I will echo what has been said above. Put yourself first for once. Now is the ideal time. Just like my H, He has already had his millionth chance. Now its my turn for a chance.

wellnowwhat

It sounds like waiting isn't sitting well with you, or you wouldn't be here asking us. Sounds like your gut and your head are together on this one.

I think, if I were you, based on the little I've read on your situation, I would go ahead. You said he was cheating on you before the drinking took hold, so even if he is sober he still needs a lot of work. If he works hard on recovery and sobriety, you may have a change of heart way down the road - I'm talking year(s). Because of the children and the contact you'll have to have, you'll be able to witness this change, or not.

Sending you and your kids good thoughts, and him too.

Happiness Fairy

I was in the exact same scenario at the end of March. And I did put the divorce on hold. And, he went to get "help". From his medical doctor... He ended up back to himself within two months time and really ramped up the drinking and verbal so I proceeded with the original plan and he was officially served. After days of his crying, screaming, belittleing, begging, pleading, stalking (I'm sure I left out more applicable adjectives but you get the point), he was actually able to talk me into coffee. He proceeded to tell me he researched intensive out-patient treatment and had his evaluation in which they said "he didn't have a problem" but he insisted to them he needed help and this was the path he needed to take; would I please reconsider just through his treatment and then make my decision so I can see how much he changes?!

Ultimately, this time I chose me and I said no. Fast forward to our temp hearing and when his drinking and out-patient program was addressed by my attorney, his attorney laughed and said the only treatment he was actively seeking was grief counseling!!!! For a death that occurred over five years ago!!!!! The week we had coffee he told me his treatment program started that following Tuesday. QUACKER!

My point is this - don't listen to what HE is saying to YOU. Listen to what YOU are saying and put yourself first. It is SO hard but worth it. I too feel stuck; here I am at 37 with three kids - 10, 2, & 1. This wasn't supposed to be the plan, but I realized alcholism and abuse was not a part of my plan either.

If your decision is scary and it hurts like hell, it's probably the right one to make.

wanttobehealthy

My experience for what it's worth is I got the tears, the promises of I'll do anything and once I stood my ground and gave him a chance to do mediation and didn't RUN straight to litigation he turned nastier than I ever imagined.

I know it's hard to make the divorce move when he's saying all the right things and acting all repentant but I imagine it's only a matter of time before a) he doesn't keep the promises and when you call him on it you start the whole crazy cycle again or b) he starts to be nasty and mean and you lose the window of him acting sane during which time you could have gotten the divorce rolling.

I am in a hell like I could not have imagined bc I did not strike while the iron was hot and file for divorce when my AH was in his "I'll go to rehab and do whatever it takes". Now he is blaming me and accusing me of incredulous (yet believable) craziness and it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

I didn't listen to the advice I am now offering when I was surely given it when I was asking the same things as you and I wish I had... I hope that you are smarter than me!

And filing for divorce and starting the process doesn't mean that you can't stop or delay it if you decide you want to.

KeepinOnDaily

THANK YOU ALL. I have to tell you how helpful this support board is and I appreciate all of your responses. Makes me feel so much more confident in my decision.