Losing my alcoholic brother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: London
Posts: 2
Losing my alcoholic brother
I just found this site and wanted to talk through my experience of alcoholism. My baby brother was an alcoholic, and died just under a month ago from liver disease. He was only 40. We had done everything we could to support over the last few years (including home detoxes, and in hindsight, probably quite a lot of enabling behaviour - paying bills, cleaning his flat when the vodka and cider bottles were piling up ...)
The last few monnths I had detached from him as he was verbally aggressive when he'd been drinking and I knew that if I carried on intervening I would slowly go mad myself. He just didn't want to give up but expected me and my family to stay with him in his flat as he drank himself into a stupor.
I didn't know he was nearly as ill as he was though. I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and we were about to go on vacation. So I went to his flat to see if he needed anything and he had already passed away. The shock of finding him has been tough but the guilt of wondering what more we could have done to save him is terrible and I just find it so hard to come to terms with what has happened.
The last few monnths I had detached from him as he was verbally aggressive when he'd been drinking and I knew that if I carried on intervening I would slowly go mad myself. He just didn't want to give up but expected me and my family to stay with him in his flat as he drank himself into a stupor.
I didn't know he was nearly as ill as he was though. I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and we were about to go on vacation. So I went to his flat to see if he needed anything and he had already passed away. The shock of finding him has been tough but the guilt of wondering what more we could have done to save him is terrible and I just find it so hard to come to terms with what has happened.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I'm so sorry for your loss John, and for the circumstances.
As an alcoholic myself, I know a lot of people tried everything to help me and I pushed them all away.
I know I'm lucky to be here.
I know you must be feeling a lot of pain, but please - don't blame yourself.
There's a lot of people here who do understand.
We're glad you're here - welcome
D
As an alcoholic myself, I know a lot of people tried everything to help me and I pushed them all away.
I know I'm lucky to be here.
I know you must be feeling a lot of pain, but please - don't blame yourself.
There's a lot of people here who do understand.
We're glad you're here - welcome
D
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
So sorry to hear of your loss, John. This disease had the power over your brother, and that's what took him. He passed knowing how much you loved him. That's all any of us can hope for when it's our time.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
My heartfelt condolences, John. I have suffered the same loss. My brother was 35 when he passed from liver cancer as a result of cirrhosis. My family has been consumed by alcoholism (I suffered as well but found sobriety).
The only thing more powerful than alcohol is one's internal desire to quit. There is no magic pathway from the family to the afflicted - change can only come from within the individual and often the family's call is heard, but the compulsion and call of alcohol is twice as strong.
I've straddled both sides of the fence, and know it to be true.
I hope you find peace. You are a wonderful brother. Many blessings to you and yours.
The only thing more powerful than alcohol is one's internal desire to quit. There is no magic pathway from the family to the afflicted - change can only come from within the individual and often the family's call is heard, but the compulsion and call of alcohol is twice as strong.
I've straddled both sides of the fence, and know it to be true.
I hope you find peace. You are a wonderful brother. Many blessings to you and yours.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Welcome to SR.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Alcoholism is a tragic disease, and know that you or anyone in your family did not have the ability to free him from the chains of the addiction.
You are amongst friends here.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Alcoholism is a tragic disease, and know that you or anyone in your family did not have the ability to free him from the chains of the addiction.
You are amongst friends here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
My sincerest condolences for your tragic loss.
My husband became quite ill due to alcoholism, but nothing anyone could say or do could get him to stop. He even started to lose his vision due to neurological damage because of alcohol abuse ... it terrified and disabled him while doctors told him he had to stop to save his vision ... yet he couldn’t stop. He also developed liver disease along with many other debilitating health issues - but again he continued to drink despite it all. The irrational desire to drink always won ... and eventually he lost the battle and his life ... despite receiving ongoing health care.
May you find peace in knowing there was nothing more you could have done ... and knowing that your brother has finally found the peace that so eluded him in life.
My husband became quite ill due to alcoholism, but nothing anyone could say or do could get him to stop. He even started to lose his vision due to neurological damage because of alcohol abuse ... it terrified and disabled him while doctors told him he had to stop to save his vision ... yet he couldn’t stop. He also developed liver disease along with many other debilitating health issues - but again he continued to drink despite it all. The irrational desire to drink always won ... and eventually he lost the battle and his life ... despite receiving ongoing health care.
May you find peace in knowing there was nothing more you could have done ... and knowing that your brother has finally found the peace that so eluded him in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: London
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for these words of comfort.
It's so hard to accept how little we could do for my brother when this terrible disease was taking him over.
We do take comfort from the knowledge we did as much as we could but we all still miss him terribly!
I will come back to these pages regularly. Thanks so much for your support b
John
It's so hard to accept how little we could do for my brother when this terrible disease was taking him over.
We do take comfort from the knowledge we did as much as we could but we all still miss him terribly!
I will come back to these pages regularly. Thanks so much for your support b
John
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by MTSlideAddict 
Welcome to SR.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Alcoholism is a tragic disease
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Alcoholism is a tragic disease
the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure...
god bless you and your family
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((John))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a recovering crack addict, and no one could make me stop until I hit my bottom. Some of our bottoms are death, and it really hurts those of us who loved them.
Take time to grieve and know that we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Take time to grieve and know that we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
John,
I am so so sorry about your brother. No matter how much we love, beg, promise, give, provide-they have to want it, to get well. We can only love them, and he surely knew he was loved.
al-anon might help bring understanding and peace for you and your family.
my deepest sympathies,
chicory
I am so so sorry about your brother. No matter how much we love, beg, promise, give, provide-they have to want it, to get well. We can only love them, and he surely knew he was loved.
al-anon might help bring understanding and peace for you and your family.
my deepest sympathies,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Hi John, and welcome to SR - under such sad circumstances. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Like everyone says, there was nothing you could have done. Alcoholism and drug abuse takes many lives and there are so many grieving people left behind. You could drive yourself crazy thinking why, and how, and what you could have done. It sounds like you and your family did all you could.
There is a ton of support out there for you. SR is a great place to talk things out, especially as we are all in it together - users, sober ones, friends, spouses, families. I am so glad you are here.
There is a ton of support out there for you. SR is a great place to talk things out, especially as we are all in it together - users, sober ones, friends, spouses, families. I am so glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by JohnLondon
I just found this site and wanted to talk through my experience of alcoholism. My baby brother was an alcoholic, and died just under a month ago from liver disease. He was only 40. We had done everything we could to support over the last few years (including home detoxes, and in hindsight, probably quite a lot of enabling behaviour - paying bills, cleaning his flat when the vodka and cider bottles were piling up ...)
The last few monnths I had detached from him as he was verbally aggressive when he'd been drinking and I knew that if I carried on intervening I would slowly go mad myself. He just didn't want to give up but expected me and my family to stay with him in his flat as he drank himself into a stupor.
I didn't know he was nearly as ill as he was though. I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and we were about to go on vacation. So I went to his flat to see if he needed anything and he had already passed away. The shock of finding him has been tough but the guilt of wondering what more we could have done to save him is terrible and I just find it so hard to come to terms with what has happened.
The last few monnths I had detached from him as he was verbally aggressive when he'd been drinking and I knew that if I carried on intervening I would slowly go mad myself. He just didn't want to give up but expected me and my family to stay with him in his flat as he drank himself into a stupor.
I didn't know he was nearly as ill as he was though. I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and we were about to go on vacation. So I went to his flat to see if he needed anything and he had already passed away. The shock of finding him has been tough but the guilt of wondering what more we could have done to save him is terrible and I just find it so hard to come to terms with what has happened.
Losing a sibling is a certain type of feeling unlike any other. I lost my older brother to cirrhosis/Hep C five years ago. I've often wondered if I could have said or done anything that would have changed things, even thought I know logically that I could not have.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's rough. But don't torture yourself with the idea that you could have changed the outcome. Just grieve.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, scunningham, and welcome!
This is a very old thread (from 2011), so maybe you'd like to post a new thread and introduce yourself.
I understand you had a loss, too, and I'm very sorry for that. If it would help to talk about it, we're here.
This is a very old thread (from 2011), so maybe you'd like to post a new thread and introduce yourself.
I understand you had a loss, too, and I'm very sorry for that. If it would help to talk about it, we're here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I see you already posted at the Grief forum. This forum is for Friends and Family of Alcoholics.
Please feel free to post wherever you are most comfortable, and wherever you think you will find the most help. We do have several members on this forum, too, who have lost loved ones to this awful disease.
Please feel free to post wherever you are most comfortable, and wherever you think you will find the most help. We do have several members on this forum, too, who have lost loved ones to this awful disease.
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