Polishlango

Hi. I am engaged to a man whom I love very very dearly. Who has had te battle with substance abuse, overcome it from near death, and has been off of the really bad stuff(meth, ecstasy, cocaine, etc) for 6 years.

However when we first met he was an avid cigarette smoker. He quit that and has been clean for over three years.

However he started drinking about 5 years ago, and has been since I met him a very heavy drinker. Luckily he isn't an angry drunk, but as a couple we've had a hard time getting him to get co trol over it. He goes in phases where he will drink casually, and it gradually gets more and more to the point where he has a stupid night, feels bad and depressed about himself the day after, stays away for a day to a week or two, and then the cycle continues. I don't know how to help. I cant tell him what to do, or that he can't drink, because that'll make him want to do it more, or manke him want to do it behind my back (which he has done in the past, told me about and I was furious).

Last night, in a drunken conversation, he said e wants to try smoking marijuana instead of drinking so much. It's come up before but this time we fought over it. I worry that if he's had this much trouble getting control of his use of alcohol, who's to say it'll get better after throwing another substance ib the mix? I also worry about the use of it as a gateway drug. I also am not comfortable with him doing it. And when I told him that he got mad. Lastly I worry because I've never really experienced him high on marijuana. I don't know the warning signs of if he's had too much, if he should call it a night, etc like I can when he's drunk.

I'm lost. Confused. Don't know what todo. I don't want to be an enabler. I want to be a helper. He's good at findig loopholes and ways around "rules" o get what he wants. He's stubborn so if he's told no he does it anyway. And yet he also cares (or at least says he does) about my opinion. How can I make him realize that just changing substances, or maybe een addin an additional substance to the problem will not make things better and will in fact, make the reliance on a substance so much worse?!

BobbyJ

You can NOT cure him, You can NOT change him, You can NOT cause him

to stop drinking or smoking weed...That's his choice!

Unless you wear a cape & your friends call you Super Woman...

Engaged??? Well from my point of view. I would hope that you are on the pill
and not think a baby is the cure....

Read around, there are alot of us, ladies & men here, who know that addiction
is addiction and it only gets worse, before, if, maybe... it will get better...

If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run as fast as you can like
the gingerbread man... Go enjoy life, with someone normal & SOBER!!

Alcoholics will come up with all kinds of lame stories. Hope you dont fall
for them....

I think your having some pretty wise thoughts, or you wouldnt be on here
asking for help...Follow your gut, I think you know deep down, its not right!!!!

If alcoholism or weed or drugs, wasnt such a problem, this site would probably
close down, dont ya think?...Look around, Read, it's a horrible diesase!

Seren

Hello polishlango, Welcome to SR!

I'm glad that you found us, but very sorry for what brings you here......Please know that you are among people who completely and totally understand what you are going through right now. Sadly, it sounds as though your fiance is not ready to be clean and sober......and there is nothing you can do to make him want it for himself. You are likely to get a variety of answers about "marijuana maintenance", but my personal opinion is that it is a fallacy. Someone smoking weed is still not sober or clean or willing to deal with life on life's terms.

We learn here, and in face-to-face support meetings of al-anon and nar-anon, about the three C's:

You did not cause the addiction.
You cannot control the addict.
You cannot cure the addict.

I hope that you will stick around, keep reading the threads and the "stickies" at the top of each forum. Educate yourself as much as possible about addiction.

Peace to you and prayers for you and your fiance. HG

wellnowwhat

Hi. I hear how confused and worried you are.

I live with my AH husband. If there is one thing I've learned, it's not to have drunken conversations. I would get hurt or angry or sad, and he may or may not remember the conversation, and really, what can come from a conversation under the influence?

I knew an alcoholic before my husband and had seen how it ravaged that person and all those around. I would never have married my husband if I knew he was addicted (to alcohol).

When I read your post, it doesn't sound like your fiancee has "overcome" his substance abuse. I feel that he switched his drug of choice, and is talking about doing that again. He is acting like someone protecting his addiction, sometimes attempting self-control of a fashion, but not like someone in any shape or form of recovery.

Please read lots on this Site, stickies (at the top of the page), threads and please consider Alanon. AA is for alcoholics, Alanon is for anyone who has, or has had, an alcoholic in their life. You'll learn what you can do, and perhaps more importantly, what you cannot do.

Wishing you well.

coffeedrinker

hello.

welcome to soberrecovery. i'm glad you found us.

one thing that jumped out at me while reading your post:

as a couple we've had a hard time getting him to get control over it.

bobby is correct; this is not "your" disease.

i think it's entirely possible that your boyfriend really and truly wants to get this thing managed, and the weed substitution seems to him to be a viable solution. i have a 30-year-old friend who has done this many times. maybe this time he won't go back to his favorite drug-of-choice - alcohol - but he always has in the past. but that's not really the point.

the point is: does he really want to continue to be dependent on mood alterations to get through life?
does he really want to numb out?
does he really want to be a slave to something that is costly, putting it up there with his highest priorities?

because all of those things will be going on.

please don't fight about this with him. you might win the battle but lose the war.

keep coming here and get support and information. we're a good group.

Carol Star

he's just changing seats on the Titanic......he's going down......

yorkiegirl

As much as I love this site (and it's often my lifeline), I would not mind if the day came that it had to close down because *poof*. . .addiction was no longer present in the world!

PolishLango, the best thing you can probably do is to just focus on yourself. Until he stops clouding his mind and medicating himself with mind-altering substances, anything he says (though they may be sincere for the moment) probably should be discarded. When my husband was active in his addiction, he would sometimes say these things that seemed like a lightbulb went on or "the right thing to say" like, "Yes, I don't always want to be drinking like this forever. Things will get better." I would hang onto those words, remembering that he did say that. Yet, I was disappointed time and time again. *Until* he is ready, until he is so sick and tired of being sick and tired, until he recognizes and desires the experienced benefits of being/staying sober outweighing being/staying in active addiction, you should just cast aside what he says in his drunken, mind-altered state.

There's so much you can do, though, to take care of yourself. . . This place is a great start! I learn so much from everyone's wisdom, strength, and experiences.

Cyranoak

This is husband material?

breakingglass

sounds like you have one like i have at home. he recently told me that not drinking makes him feel like a "prude" and that life isn't fun anymore. since when is drinking to much, screaming at your wife, throwing things and breaking them and denting her car, fun? my husband tried the "replace the vodka with pot" method and eventually it was not enough and he went back to drinking again. if he has that addictive personality, nothing is going to work for him..... i know this is a rough thing to say but maybe you should reconsider marriage to this person. if i knew what i know now, i wouldn't have married him in the first place.

PaperDolls

Sound to me he just been changing addictions over the last few years.
He hasn't stopped doing drugs/drinking at all.
Quits one and moves on to another.

He's good at findig loopholes and ways around "rules" o get what he wants. He's stubborn so if he's told no he does it anyway. And yet he also cares... --- What you said here, I think describes many/most addicts. We're good at getting our way .... or at least trying to.

danielleinto

The only comparison I can come up with is nicotine. When you start smoking it affects a part of your brain (sometimes, different drug different part). That part when fed it's drug will provide pleasure, relaxation etc... When you don't feed it you get an unpleasant feeling (withdrawal) so you feed it again. Anything anyone tells me - the doctor etc...- doesn't matter to me, I tell myself they don't get it. It's not until I'm done and done and I can apply some logic myself that I'll quit. I quit for 8 years and started up again. Just because someone beats an addiction doesn't mean you won't have to deal with it again. One hit off a smoke and that part of my brain says, "hello".

So, what I'm saying is that no matter what you say or do it falls on deaf ears. Alcohol doesn't only destroy the alcoholic, my AH's drinking turned me into an empty shell while I waited for him to get it. What kept me hooked for years was that he "might - could" get it. I wish I hadn't of put my life on hold. He'd listen to what I had to say and I believed he heard me. I'd hear, "you're right, this is what I need to do". He'd say whatever he had to say to keep me from leaving. Every time I heard this stuff I'd be hopeful and each time I was let down. That's the stuff that destroys the people who live with alcoholics.

breakingglass

so dead on here! i don't want to "waste" anymore years waiting for someone to decide whether or not their marriage, life, family, friends, the dog, etc is worth the fight to quit and stay sober i live my life now, still married to him and living in the same house, but separate. i go out separte, i travel separte, etc. that is no way to live either but at least i'm getting out there somewhat. i can't wait for the day that i am strong enough and hard enough to leave without the guilt that comes with it.... i buy into all the promises and pleading.... i'm nearing the end of that rope......

Carol Star

I heard on SR-"let go or be dragged"......

Polishlango

First of all, yes he is husband material. He's an amazing man with a ravaging problem, one that doesn't make me want to leave him. True love is unconditional, and I love him, even with this problem. I know I can't make him change, he has to want to change, but i can ensure that I am a good example, supportive of good habits and behaviors.

Secondly, he works in the service industry with lots of younger people who go out partying every night. He doesn't go along, but I'm sure hearing all the "fun" they have without him leads him to thinking that drinking is the only way to have fun or to relax. He often complains he is stressed and wants to relax as a reason to drink. Not a reason but an excuse to me, however.

We agreed on the no marijuana issue. But the issue at hand is still, in my opinion, an addiction to alcohol. He doesn't like to talk about it and when we do I am so careful to not offend, not tell him what he can and can't do, but just offer my opinion out of sheer care for him. He knows when it's enough of an issue for me to bring it up that it's an issue. He's got a strong mind, and can get through things well (he went two weeks without a drink, which was awesome progress, had a night to celebrate and although it isn't as frequent as before the two weeks, it's still more frequent than I would prefer).

The bottom line: I already have the vow in my head "in sickness and in health, until death do us part" and that's what I'm sticking to. So those of you with rude comments about him and who he is need not reply. I have, however appreciated some of your responses and look forward to hearing from you again.

mattmathews

You're in love with an addict. He was an addict before you met him, and he's currently addicted to alcohol. It is the nature of the disease that it gets worse the longer he continues. Quitting drinking for two weeks is awesome, as long as he's still not drinking after two weeks and one day. As soon as he starts drinking again, the progression of the disease starts up right where it left off. He cannot control his drinking, he just doesn't have that power. He has to stop drinking, forever. He doesn't believe that, yet. He believes that he can be a normal drinker.
The end of the road for an addict or an alcoholic is death. You can die from drinking too much...for many people who drink heavily, the body just can't take it anymore around the time they hit 50. But it can happen much much sooner...think about Amy Winehouse.
In the meantime, the emotional, financial and psychological damage just keeps adding up. For you, and for your children. If you don't break the cycle, maybe your children will be able to...or maybe they'll just pass the damage on to their children. Or maybe, they'll look at their mother and wonder why she put them through hell and want to have nothing to do with you. (Sorry...but it happens, a lot).
I'm not going to tell you to leave your boyfriend. But I'm going to beg you to go to an Al-Anon meeting or to a counselor or therapist to learn about the disease. At least learn how to not support and enable his addiction.
I believe that addicts and alcoholics can be wonderful people. I'm married to one. But only when they are not using or drinking. When they are in the grip of the addiction, they have only one purpose--getting that next fix or drink. The person you love may still be in there, but you won't be getting through to them...the addiction will be standing between you.
Please, please, please get help. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the guy you love. Do it for your children.

suki44883

It's your decision and your life. We can't make you do anything. You'll do whatever you're going to do. But...when you come to an alcohol recovery board and tell your story, you are going to encounter people who know the deal. We won't lie to you; we will tell you the truth. We can share our experiences, which are chillingly similar, and you can either accept them or not. Again, it's your life. You may not always hear what you want to hear from us, but we speak honestly and only have your best interests at heart. Your fiance is an addict. Life with an addict is hell, especially for children.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

NYCDoglvr

Like alcohol, grass is simply another drug and he is not sober while he is high. How serious is he about dealing with addiction? Is he getting help? Has he joined an AA support group. Talk is cheap, what he does is so much more important than what he says.

LifeRecovery

Polish-

I am going to agree with the posts above that discuss talk versus actions. That is not to say that your loved one won't recover, my concern is about you.

I spent many years wrapped up in what my loved one said around his use of alcohol (he would have used pot too, but their were random blood tests at work). Though signs had been there prior to us getting married, it got noticeably worse right after we got married. After a "bad" drinking episode (he did not drink all the time, but when he did it was bad) he would admit he had a problem. We would talk about it. I was as loving and supportive as I knew how to be. He might not even drink for awhile, but at no point did his behavior ever match what he talked about. He talked about how he needed help, he talked about how he would cut down, how he would stop etc.

I started to get better when I started to realize that though I don't think he was trying to lie to me, I could not trust him about his use of substances (in my case there were some other issues too which I could not have a lot of trust).

The following helped me to get better. My marriage ended, but again that does not mean your relationship needs to. For me this is what helped me:
-Getting an individual counselor who was familiar with addictions
-Joining Al-anon
-Reading a lot about addictions

jayjay1882

I too married an amazing man with a ravaging problem..... In our early years he struggled with alcohol use and would swear it off and then start using marijuana. Slowly but surely the marijuana became as big of a problem as the alcohol. i.e. he was there but wasn't really there and it completely consumed his and my life. We couldn't leave the house to do anything unless he was high "enough". I couldn't discuss anything important with him because he was just in a haze of contentment. When the marijuana use got too much for me he turned back to alcohol. And then the alcohol again consumed our lives. And then he would turn back to the marijuana, and then back to the alcohol, and then the marijuana, and then the alcohol.... and on and on interlaced with periods of simultaneous use.

If you want to marry this man by all means do so, but do it with eyes wide open. Addiction is a progressive disease in that it only gets worse. It may be managable right now but as the days and years go by your loved one slowly slips away. Before you know it you are planning your activities to the short time frames when you know he'll be sober. Like on weekends you'll only be able to do things after 12 or 1 or 2 pm because they have been up all night indulging in thier addiction. When invited to go to company christmas parties or other social engagments you'll have to keep a close eye on him so that you can gently guide him towards the door when he's had too much before he can cause a scene like falling down or knocking things or other people down. But remember you can't let him know it's time to leave because he's "had too much" otherwise you'll have to endure the embarrassment of him loudly declaring to the room "what are you talking about? I haven't had too much! I have it UNDER CONTROL, I'm fine, quit being such a b***h!!!!"
Loving and supporting an addict means that you must give up all your dreams. Home ownership? out of the question. He loses too many jobs.
Savings account? Forget about it. Any money you save will be going to bailing him out of jail and paying fines for DWIs etc. It will also be spent on the DRUG OF CHOICE for the addict. Because the drug of choice ALWAYS must come first.
Healthy happy kids? You'll be doing ALL of the work. Changing diapers, bathing them, washing thier clothes, taking them to school functions.
Also you must explain to them how daddy is just tired when he's passed out at four in the afternoon, why daddy isn't at thier dance recital, why he missed t-ball practice....
Vacations? Well, make sure that you have plenty of stuff planned to do on your own. Or you CAN just wait around for him to sleep off his hangover before you go and have a fun filled daytogether. And be ready that he might be too grumpy after you've waited on him to wake up to want to do anything.

Remember, your spouse's addiction MUST come first at ALL times. Your needs, even the most basic ones will have to come second. He needs to make sure there is enough alcohol, or marijuana, or whatever to last through payday before any bills are paid, or food is bought.

Sure, you can talk to him about how his addiction is overtaking all aspects of your life. And he'll even agree with you on how he needs to cut back or stop. But that demon in his brain will start screaming for it's drug and soon enough he'll be using again. As you continue to confront him about his usage as the cycle continues to repeat over and over again be prepared to handle the insults he'll hurl your way. As he struggles to protect his addiction against your sound reasoning you WILL be attacked verbally and the tables will be turned on you. He'll remind you of all your shortcomings like the dishes are unwashed, you didn't make the bed this morning, or what ever he can think of.
But you must always be understanding because it is the addiction saying those vile things to you, not the loving sweet man you married.

You are right, true love IS unconditional. You will continue to love him as you begin to despise him. You will be encouraging in the bedroom when the "equitment" fails again and again. You will make excuses for why he couldn't attend the family barbeques. You will explain to your friends for why he got so drunk last night because his job is so stressful lately......

It is wonderful that you are going to be a good example of good habits and behaviors. But understand that he will resent you for it because it will make him guilty that he can't JUST STOP his addiction and join in all the healthy living going on around him.

Remember, these things will not happen all at once. It is progressive. If you are in your 20's now by the time you are in your 30's THIS will be your daily life if not worse. There is NO cure for addiction. Only abstaining from the substances will help. IF AND WHEN he quits be prepared to deal with a person that has little to no capacity on how to live and survive daily life and stressors. He hasn't developed healthy coping mechanisms like the rest of us. So when he stops he'll still have a LONG road to living a normal happy life and it could take an additional decade or so before you two can get on with your dreams.

This has happened to EVERY SINGLE one of us on this forum. We have all mourned our dreams, and losing our loved ones to addiction.......

Best wishes to you.

blwninthewind

You came here for help. We can't it into you.
He does NOT have a handle on his addiction problem. He just keeps changing to something new that isn't solving the problem.

I would suggest you keep reading these posts.
Maybe see a counselor that you can talk this through with.

He may be a great guy....sober. But how would you know considering he's been using your entire relationship. Your fooling yourself if you think that's marriage material.
I'd love for you to sit down and make a list of the characteristics of what you believe is an ideal spouse. Then make a list regarding your current bf's qualities...when he's using. I think it would be eye opening.

I don't know about you but I want my spouse to have the good qualities ALL the time. Not just when he's not usinig or when he's sober...hence, an addict is not a good choice for a spouse. Not my opinion..but REALITY. The truth.

We can't tell you what you should do..but we can share what we've been through and pray you'll see where your heading.

We can't solve his problem anymore than you can. It is something he needs to do on his own. Yes you can be supportive but you can't fix him.

I do wish you luck.