PurpleWilder

Sigh.....

So, XAH's latest idea is this....

He lives in a house that is divided up into 2 apartments. The people upstairs from him are moving out at the end of their lease, next August. His idea is that I should rent the upstairs and move in.

Oh.....and he wants full custody of the kids. Because he is missing their childhood, ya know? He wants to more of a full time dad.

But I'm not the one who filed for divorce, am I? I'm not the one who harassed, emotionally and financially abused their spouse, accused them of being a liar, made threats and insinuations. But as he says, "It's been 5 years."

I didn't know stupid had an expiration date.

So I know I am gonna start getting all this pressure - ya know, the kind only an alcoholic can bring. That lovely, single-minded obsession/devotion when they are working on the premise that their goals in life should supercede yours and they can't even perceive that you might value your own pattern of living over their latest plan.

It is my bad habit to always undervalue my own life. I have some things I want to accomplish in the coming 12 months as well. Starting counseling, working on my physical health, learning how to value myself enough to go to regular medical/dental checkups, get out more socially, just be BETTER. Spend more time engaged with my kids rather than just being around while they do stuff. Now I gotta put up with this ****.

I already told him no twice but now I'm getting the "you don't get it cause you don't really understand it - let me explain it again VERY SLOWLY". I don't plan on giving in, but I can see what is coming. My best response at this point is to not lose my cool, respond calmly when I have to respond and encourage no personal contact at all except where the kids are concerned. I don't tell him about my day, I don't bring him my problems, I don't make him a part of my daily life.

I know I'm rambling but I am so very tired and getting an anxiety attack. Blech.....

dollydo

No, is a complete sentance, if he is too stoopid to understand a simple two letter word, then that is his problem...not yours. No reason to have any further conversation about the issue.

tjp613

Why don't you just say "Nooooooooooooooooo" very slowly so HE can understand it?

Asshat.

TakingCharge999

Perhaps this is a Test to see how far you have come in your recovery, self worth, dettachment, "picking your battles", etc ??

I don´t know if this is possible but I remember someone else in SR communicated with an ex only by email (except emergencies of course) and deleted VMs, ignored incoming calls, etc. Then she had a good friend weed out the manipulation embedded in the emails from the EX and mention just facts to her... like a Quackery filter...

Perhaps this is too complicated but you don´t have to listen, if he wants to fight custody he can get a lawyer or something and prove to the court how much he has changed... you don´t refer to him as a XRAH, so good luck to him with that...

Just because someone wants to talk it doesn´t mean you have to listen to every word..

Anyway I am sending you HUGS!!

Seren

(((PS)))

I can't really offer any advice here, but it does seem like living upstairs from your ex would be another way for him to control and manipulate your life......which, well, I don't know about you but it would make me anxious all the time.....not a good thing for the children.

PurpleWilder

Not to mention that living in the same house with him - even in a different apartment - would kinda put a damper on dating and moving on, doncha think? Who the hell would get involved with a woman who is essentially still co-habitating with her XH? I'm getting to the point in my life where I want to very carefully look for a lasting relationship with the opposite sex and somehow, I don't see how living above him would accomplish that.

And I'm sure by "full time dad" he means, "full time dad when I'm not out running around, doing exactly what I want when I want and not really caring if you are ever able to have a life."

Not to mention, if I were to give up custody, how long do you think it would be before he convinced the landlord to break his lease and then move as far away with the kids as legally possible? About a hot second.

Again, I say - BLECH!

lovelifetga

I agree....tell him NNNNOOOOOOOO very slowly. I get how frustrating it is..they tend to blame us for everything! My AH is a carpenter. I get the blame along with the frustration when his tools break or when he bites off more than he can chew. As if it was me that broke it or signed the contract. Why do we let them do this to us? It's so draining..both mentally and physically. Be strong!

Alone22

"I didn't know stupid had an expiration date."

Thank you for making me laugh this morning... I really needed it.


Reading your post you sound very clear headed and can see right through what is going on. You have the tools you need to get through this. Part of me wants to tell you to laugh it off because it really is such a silly idea of his, but the other part of me understands what dealing with an A is like. You can control you and how much time and energy you put into this. Stay strong!

tigger11

IMO, your post didn't ramble at all, PS. It was clear and strong. I agree with those who said; "let me say this very slowly; NOOOOO. That. Is. My. Final. Answer. No. More. Discussion."

Five years since your divorce? Girlfriend... it's time to move forward, with your chin up and your head held high. I love TC's suggestion about letting him TRY to get custody.

The man sounds like he's got the same old alcoholic fantasies floating around in his alcohol filled brain.

TakingCharge999

Purple, didn't you reply to my thread about moving in with my mom ... ? I thought you said you can't put a price on sanity!!

You have lots of clarity!! you are doing wonderful in your recovery.

"No", period.

Moving on to enjoy Friday, and the gift of another beautiful day!