LanceLink

So my W of 20+ years has now been sober for almost 3 weeks. It's great and I am happy for her...but I can't help but feel shut out of her life, which I am...she is so far inside herself it's like we are just roommates, all emotions from her are gone.

There is always a back story and the short version of ours is...we are recovery from her two affairs over the last 18 months. After the discovery of #1 she attempted suicide, was hospiptalized and fought all recovery and counseling...never really accepting responsibility for her actions or accepting that I could just put everything in a box and close the lid...which led to # 2. Since that time we have made tremendous strides as individuals and as a couple...but since that start of her recovery she's become withdrawn and my answer has been to detach from her becasue it feels like it did with the A's and I really can't handle any more life shattering events...selfish? Maybe...but I have never given up on her through all this crap.

Maybe i'm being selfish...I go to counseling, am on the Infidelity boards, take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers all as a result of the last two years...I really am pressed to find the time to attend Al-Anon meetings and honestly feel like why should I? You had your chance and you blew it.

So....I guess what I'm asking is...Is it "normal" for them to detach?; for me to be frustrated and feeling like maybe I shoudln't be around her because our recovery has come to a complete stop.

Thanks for letting me ramble...

LifeRecovery

Lancelink

I started MY recovery in full force after finding out an affair that my exAH (ex-alcoholic-husband was having). I found out on a Sunday and it finally got me through the doors of Al-Anon (I was doing a lot of counseling prior to that for my own stuff and kept taking on his stuff as mine).

I stopped going for a bit to Al-Anon because I was angry that I "needed" to be there because of someone else's stuff. I had enough of my own.

Luckily I found my way back. In addition to my counseling the principles behind the Al-Anon program have helped ME to learn about my own stuff in relationships to someone with an alcohol problem, in addition it has really helped me to learn to detach from the affair also.

Being in recovery is a lot of hard work for anyone. It can be overwhelming when you are coming out of that fog....regardless of the addiction or affairs. I experienced the detachment.

Finally I read a lot of books, about alcoholism, about affairs, about forgiveness, about healing.

Keep posting, and welcome. We can all understand where you are.

twilli59

LL - I have been through the affair situation, and unfortunately, we did not make it. So - I admire you both for committing to each other. There is something underneath the drama that is holding things together - it seems that is the thing that needs to be fed and nurtured. As far as recovery, if neither of you are experiencing the fellowship and program of recovery available in 12 Step programs, it can truly change your life and flip your perspective upside-down! The work in the steps is the key - it requires honesty, openness and willingness. But, if you have that, it sets you free and leads you to the truth so that you can then make sensible decisions. Good luck!

wellnowwhat

I really am pressed to find the time to attend Al-Anon meetings and honestly feel like why should I? You had your chance and you blew it.

Because Alanon is for YOU. There is wisdom in the program and in the people in the room with you. It's so good to be supported by people who "get it" and it can help you, if nothing else, deal with your rage and bitterness.

It is not necessary for your wife to be actively drinking (or whether you are still together). You are still affected by what took place then, and what is taking place now. And heaven forbid she relapses (and unfortunately most do, at least once), you will be better prepared to have some peace throughout that new chaos.

Wishing you the best.

m1k3

Lance, al-anon is for you. It has nothing to do with your AW, nothing. It is a program to help you get your life back in order. Al-anon has been nothing short of a life saver for me. I am now much more centered, stable and believe it or not, happy. I have taken charge of my own recovery and my own life and I have learned how to let go of trying to manage my RAW's drinking and recovery. They are hers to own, I have no control over them.

So, in my experience Al-anon has improved my life more than I could have imagined when I started.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Interesting that you use the word "detach" in regards to how she handles her feelings. She isn't detaching, she is hiding from them, hence the substance use. And 3 weeks sober...she's probably barely hanging on, much less able to deal with the overwhelming flood of emotions without her #1 coping skill. Nothing is "normal" this early in recovery, and everyone's "normal" is different given a lot of different factors.

My suggestion - keep focused on you, your recovery from the chaos that is alcoholism, and give her one full year of her own recovery before dealing with any of the ancillary stuff - like marriage and affairs. Instead of worrying about how she is detaching from her emotions, try detaching from her and her recovery. It will be immensely helpful.

Take good care, and welcome to SR. Keep coming back.
~T

P.S. And go to an Al-Anon meeting. Or 6.