Why he just can't leave

Old 08-16-2011, 11:53 PM
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Why he just can't leave

Hi there!

Almost 2 months ago, I asked my AH to leave, that I need a break, I want to break up. At that moment he agreed, but he never left. We talked calm, with respect as grown ups, but still, he didn't do anything what he said.

And what make me mad is that he is surprised and cannot understand why I'm not talking to him and ignoring him.

What should I do? Does he really want me to kick him out? Put his things out and change the lock?
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:13 AM
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Sorry to hear about your situation. There can be so many variables involved as to why he will not leave. Such as ... does he have some place else to live, or does he have any rights to stay where he is now ...etc. and feel he is entitled stay in your home. Maybe he just fears leaving and being out on his own.

My AH had little awareness of how dramatically his drinking had changed him and his behavior. Not many alcoholics do. As a result, he really felt he wasn’t doing anything that wrong, and that I was just being unreasonable. This is all part of the distorted thought processes of an alcoholic - they do not see things the same way other people do. Also, in my case, my AH felt it was his right to stay in our home - and unfortunately laws many times support this right since our home was in both of our names.

When he was sober, he would be more cooperative, but as with many alcoholics - his mood and attitude would swing back and forth constantly and he could go from being reasonable to confrontational in a matter of minutes. For him, leaving was a power play he didn’t want to lose.

Eventually, after considerable effort and many lengthy explanations about how his drinking was seriously traumatizing his entire family, he reluctantly left - all while hoping he could somehow find recovery and be able to return home again.

As long as your husband is struggling with an active addiction, most likely you will not be negotiating with someone rational and reasonable, capable of fair and logical decisions. Hopefully, you will be able to navigate through this situation and eventually your husband will honor your request - and your life and home will become peaceful once more.
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Old 08-17-2011, 04:16 AM
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If he is in throws of addiction, nothing he says or agrees to means a thing.

Have you been to an attorney to find out what your rights are? I would as every state has different laws regarding the domicle.
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:26 AM
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Unfortunately, without a restraining order and/or his willingness to leave, it's unlikely you can "make" him leave. I had to make it clear to my AH (and follow through) that I would take our girls and I would be the one to leave if he didn't. Thankfully since his image matters to him, he realized he'd look like a bigger a$$ than he already is if he forced his kids to live elsewhere bc he wouldn't leave, so he left and the girls and I are here.

I think that if you want to be away from him, as inconvenient/unfair (and it is, I agree) as it is, you are going to have to be the one to leave if he won't. Is there anywhere you can go for a while?
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:36 AM
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Since you are in Hong Kong it would be a very good idea to get some legal advice.

If he will NOT leave and you are finished with his antics, then I guess .......................... you will have to remove yourself.

Please don't be a stranger. Keep posting. Let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much, and I am honestly not even sure there is any Alanon in Hong Kong. Many of us have been where you are now and share our own ES&H.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:07 AM
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So often, I have found that there is an underlying belief that if something is just ignored, it won't happen. And so often, I've found that my actions have supported that underlying belief. I've made threats (even in the form of rational, adult conversation) and then I don't follow through to assert my boundaries. I mean...how often have you begged him to stop drinking, rationally explained that you can't stay in a relationship with an active A, had him rationally agree that it was done...and then go back to the exact same patterns just days later? Personally, I've danced to that tune hundreds of times. It was finally up to me to refuse to get on the dance floor and mean it.

You will probably have to assert yourself again on this point. If that doesn't work, like Laurie said, you may have to take the action yourself.

My best to you. I'm sure this is frustrating.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:19 AM
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Alcoholics cling to enablers because it's easier than taking responsibility for their own lives. Left to himself he has to do something about his disease. Denial is one way of dealing with the fear and pain, but it only delays the inevitable.
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:23 PM
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((luli))

I have found in dealing with alcoholics/addicts and unhealthy people - it is best that I speak with specific directions, boundaries and answers.

For me -instead of . . .

you need to move out
I need to say. . .
It is apparent that you have been unable to stay within the boundaries we both agreed to keep and so that this home can stay a healthy atmosphere for me and the children, it will be necessary for you to find another place to stay by _____________(insert a specific date)

and if that specific date comes around & he still hasn't left - then I would have to say something like. . .

In order to keep this household as a healthy enviroment for me and the kids and since you haven't been able to keep with the date to leave the home, then I am going to have to
a. serve you with divorce papers
b. leave with the kids & leave you with all the bills
c. _________ (whatever you and your atty decide is another option for you)

It has been my experience that dealing with addicts/alcoholics - I must be clear, concise and direct in what I want, what I need and what I will accept. Otherwise, I will get exactly what I have had ~ a whole bunch of empty promises, good intentions and little to no actions.

Just my experience, strength and hope,
PINK HUGS & prayers for your HP's very best,
Rita
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:49 PM
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Thanks to All for the posts.

Actually we are renting our home, which the contract will end up next Jan. We own a company, so the income is half and half.
He does have another place to stay and he also can rent another apartment.
I told him that if I was alone without kids I would leave, but I have children and hope he can understand that it is more difficult for me. He agreed but at the bottom he didn't care at all.
Since then, our relationship became worse and worse.
I struggle everyday, because I have to see him at home, in the office and also in the bar (we also have a bar). I try to detach but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. The pressure is killing me.
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Old 08-19-2011, 04:02 AM
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I am sorry, this is a tough one. How about his parents, are they aware of the problem? If so, perhaps they can help him to understand that this enviorment is not healthy for the children.

Sending hugs your way,
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Old 08-19-2011, 08:53 AM
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Hi luli,
I agree with the above poster, get legal advice about your options.
Hugs.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:19 PM
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Thanks Dollydo and TakingCharge99, I will talk to a lawyer to see my options and his family doesn't know about it, not sure if they are in denial or what, I guess because they are a lot of miles away and they just want to keep it that way.

Hope that all this nightmare will end up soon.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:34 PM
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Hi Luli - I went thru this my with stbxah. he refused to leave, then left, then came back (we were renting as well). After a few times of this, I realized that even if he left again, I would be living in fear of hm coming back. Unless, you can do make him move legally, it is better to move out yourself. I moved out. Legally, where I live, he is entitled to live in the house as much as I was. I couldn't do anything to make him leave, so I moved out. Find out what the laws are where you live - good luck.
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:57 PM
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It's funny that it's gonna be almost a year that I asked him to leave but the sad part is that I still am in the same place...

I feel sad as ever. Cannot think clearly. Cannot make any decision.
Hesitating all the time. Cannot focus.
My memory doesn't work as usually, always forget things.
I try to cry but no tears.

I guess not strong enough lately.
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:57 AM
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Originally Posted by luli2979 View Post
I feel sad as ever. Cannot think clearly. Cannot make any decision.
Hesitating all the time. Cannot focus.
My memory doesn't work as usually, always forget things.
I try to cry but no tears.

I guess not strong enough lately.
Wow, you just described me!
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Old 04-06-2012, 11:36 AM
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It's funny that it's gonna be almost a year that I asked him to leave but the sad part is that I still am in the same place...
Do you want to continue being in the same place? Perhaps you've noticed that there is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking. It really is up to you what kind of life you want to have.
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