IndieFlower

Hello,
I am new to this forum but I really needed an outlet because I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mom has been drinking heavily since I was 14 years old, I am 26 now. She began drinking after she found out my dad had an affair. She blames everyhing on him, even though she has always been a cold person. They still remain married, live in the same house but don't speak more than one word to eachother and sleep in separate beds. I recently moved back home because my house is being built and things have gotten worse than I remember. She drinks half a costco size bottle of gin daily, walks around the house doing nothing. To make matters worse she is in a very high political position in our area so everything is about saving face. I am completely stressed out seeing her act bizarre, have ataxic gait and slurr her speech. I keep reaching out to her but she refuses saying I am over reacting and that my father is the one with the bigger problem. She continues to hid the bottles in purses or in tupperware cabinets. Any suggestions on how to cope with this?

wister

Find an Al-anon meeting, or better yet an ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting in your area. Educate yourself on the disease by attending open AA meetings. These will help you learn how to handle your situation.

fulloffaith

Sorry you are dealing with this. It must be hard feeling like a parent, or like you are responsible for your mom. I totally agree that alanon is such a life saver. You mentioned you want to "cope". That is really awesome. You already know, on some level, that you really can do nothing to change your mom's behaviors. But posting and reading here will help you keep it all in perspective.
Alanon really helped me get to my path that is serene and peaceful. It's far from perfect(I'm now a single mom of five kids). But I'm "coping" with my AH in a much healthier and saner way. Alcoholism will try to wreck any person in it's path. We can each only care for ourselves, and save ourselves. Take care of yourself!!!
Alanon can b scary the first time, but it's so worth it. Give that gift to yourself. You deserve a life of peace and free of worry. Good luck!

MTSlideAddict

I think the first step would be for you to attend Al-anon, and also educate yourself about the disease. Remember that you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your mother is making the excuse that your father has caused the drinking, when in fact, no body forced her to drink. If your mother is not willing to admit to the problem or seek help, you cannot force her. The only thing you have control of is yourself and your peace of mind.

Once you get your support system together, you can think of possibly doing an intervention. To do an intervention you will have to gather loved ones to confront her on the issue, but you must have boundaries figured out. A local AA group should be able to help with an intervention, but it is her choice to get the help.

Remember we are here for you, and that you are not alone.

danielleinto

I went to an addiction counsellor to deal with being the child of an alcoholic. There are some really good books out there on the subject too. It's tough to deal with the past especially when it's still your present. The bottom line either way is detaching and accepting the way it is/was and not making it personal anymore. It took alot of work - the way I'd been thinking my whole life had to be relearned. I did come out at the other end feeling at peace with the whole thing. There is an ACOA board here, you'd be surprised at how similar all the stories are. I also attended an ACAO group and it helped to hear my story coming out of other people's mouths. Visit the adult children's board here ask for suggested reading material and take it from there. I couldn't have gotten healthy without working with the addiction counsellor.

IndieFlower

Thank you for all of your suggestions, I am going to look into meetings in my area. I have another question when people offer her drinks (including my dad) in social situations to save face to you think it would be wise for me to state that she is an alcoholic and shouldn't drink in public or keep publically denying the situation? It is a complete secret she keeps no one would ever know because she is a political powerhouse and would definetly get her kicked out of her current office.

m1k3

It is not your place to say anything. That is you trying to control the situation. You can't. It's that simple. There is nothing you can do for her.

For me, getting to Al-Anon was the answer. I got the tools I needed to get sane and happy again and the support on how to use them. You can't fix her so fix yourself.

Your friend,

StarCat

How about doing neither?
Why do you have to say anything at all?
If you feel uncomfortable in the situation, you don't have to stay, and you don't have to explain why you're leaving, either.

Words are just words. It's actions that really speak.

IndieFlower

Thank you for your constructive comments. I guess I feel that people are contributing to the situation and living in denial is not really helpful for those involved. In all honesty I feel like if she hit rock bottom she might wake up.

Freedom1990

The thing is, you can't define her bottom.

My bottom was sitting on the edge of a bed in a drug dealer's squalid house, needle in my arm. I was 109 pounds (I'm 6' tall) and was pregnant.

No one ever dreamed that would be my bottom, but that's exactly what it took for me to cry out and ask God for help.

"Outing" her in public isn't the solution to the problem, nor as someone else suggested, are you obligated to stay wherever it is if she's drinking. You can leave.

StarCat

She has to hit her own rock bottom.
If you try to force her into it, she'll turn that into resentment against you, and in all likelihood her bottom could drop even lower.
We can't determine where someone's bottom is, and we can't really help them reach it - all we can do is stop ourselves from saving them from it.


I know it's hard.
The truth is, though, just because you're not publicly announcing she has a problem does not mean that you are in denial - and at the end of the day, you are the only person you can speak for, anyway.
As difficult as it is to walk away, it's more constructive for people like us to focus on our own recovery, and let the alcoholic focus on their own recovery or lack thereof, whatever the case may be.
When you focus on yourself, you're free to decide what is best and healthiest for you, regardless of what anybody else does or thinks.

We can still love and care about the alcoholics in our lives. There's just nothing we can do to make them get better.
Recovery is a choice they need to make, or it will fail, because alcoholism is an insidious disease. It will keep whispering in her ear for the rest of her life - sometimes a faint whisper, sometimes a shout - and ultimately she needs to be the one to shoot down that voice, because she is the only one that can hear it. As a result, she needs to be strong in her convictions that she wants to recover, and the only way she can do that is if she's doing it for herself.
Anything less leads to resentment, resumption of the drinking, replacement of alcohol with a different drug, or an even more dangerous mixture of these.



Have you heard of a program called Al-Anon? It's a "sister" program to AA, for the families and friends of alcoholics. It's been a great help to me, and I've found that the things I have learned there I can apply to my relationships with everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am a healthier person because of it.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

It's great that you're asking these questions now. The sooner you look for your own recovery, the sooner you will find it. I am so glad I found the program when I did.

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us, and sad about the reasons you came looking.
You're not alone anymore. We understand.

IndieFlower

Thank you so much for your comments, this really puts things in perspective for me. As we speak I found an Al Anon meeting close to my area. I guess I really needed to hear the cold hard truth and know that I can't change things. It is extremely difficult for me to watch someone in this horrible disease since I am a healthcare provider myself and really can't reason with her. I am going to take the steps necessary to focus on myself which I never did growing up in such a caotic household.